The Struggle Within

The 20% Day

2012-01-27T22:11:00.001-05:00

I am learning a lot from Trina and Fit4Females Stroller Boot Camp. The one nutrition seminar I was able to attend that Trina held she spoke about the 80/20 rule. As long as you are good and stick with your proper eating habits 80% of the time, the other 20% of the time you aren't going to be such a saint and potentially still have weight loss results. Today was that "other" 20% day. Even then, my day was fantastic...up until after dinner and temptation was placed in front of me.

I had my usual breakfast of cereal and banana. I can't help it. I know it isn't the "cleanest" food, but I loves me my cereal. I drive Brad nuts. At any given time I will have 5 or more open boxes of cereal. I like to rotate through them. None of them are the sugary crap either. I love a good Raisin Bran or Life or any variety of Cheerios or Shreddies. MMmmmmm....Shreddies. When I was pregnant with James and had the wicked bad morning/noon/night sickness all I could keep down was Shreddies. Unfortunately I no longer purchase Shreddies. You just can't have a bowl of them without 2 inches of brown sugar coating the top. Great. Now I want Shreddies. Since I've been learning a little more about nutrition I'm trying to get at least three food groups into each meal. So I usually try to have a glass of milk and either a banana or blueberries in with my cereal.

Lunch today was Cream of Mushroom soup, 7 soda crackers and milk. Dinner was chicken almondine and blanched green beans with lemon juice.

Then we went to my Mom and Dad's house. I knew going in I had 4 points left in my day. Good for me since it is Friday night tradition stemming back from when we used to visit my Grandmother on Friday nights that we have a "Friday Night Goodie". Today's was doughnuts from Tim Horton's. I really do not like doughnuts. Knowing this, can someone please explain to me why the fuck did I have 3? Yes. Three. Okay, okay, let me explain. It really was like a strategic move in chess. The first one I had I chose carefully and with much consideration. I had 4 points. I knew I still had earned exercise points to use and all of my 49 weekly "woo-hoo" points. My selection was an old fashion chocolate dip. Tasty and complimented my vanilla spiked black coffee. James' selection was a filled sprinkle doughnut. He ate about 2/3's of it and discovered, much to his dismay, it was filled with Strawberry Jam. Before I knew it and without any rational thinking at all, it was in my mouth. I am usually pretty good at not finishing food that James hasn't finished. I don't like other people's spit...even if they are from my own gene pool. From that point on it was like a wild beast took over my body and was playing mind control games in my head. I then ate another doughnut that I picked out all on my own (a double chocolate old fashion) and scoffed that down. Hey, I still had that coffee left. I accidently asked for a large, forgetting Tim's changed their cup sizes and ended up with the old extra large cup. James' next selection was a Boston Cream, fortunately he ate the whole thing...but then the little bugger also took a plain chocolate dip...and it sat on his plate for a good 30 minutes. So of course, after I changed Piper's bum, down on the floor, sitting next to that remaining 1/2 of the doughnut, again that wild beast took over and forced that damn thing down my throat. It wasn't me officer! Honest!!! It just jumped into my mouth. I was holding it for someone else. It isn't mine!

On the ride home I had time to ponder my actions and try and figure out where my head goes in these situations. Brad and I had a discussion the previous night about drinking and alcoholics. I forget how the conversation came up but he believes anyone who binge drinks is an alcoholic. I know when I drink, I only do so to get drunk, which, now that I have kids, let me tell you, really isn't often. At all...and remembering some of my hangovers, that isn't such a bad thing. Relating that to food, I do the same thing. If I'm going to be bad, I do it to be really bad. If I go over my points or have a bad day food wise, I then will eat anything and everything that I shouldn't that I can find. A perfect example of this was what I did at Christmas. I ate all kinds of baked goods, cookies, chocolates, cakes, breads, candy and chips. Anything I could find. To the point I gained 7 pounds in a short 2-3 weeks. I felt like a convict that had been in lock up for 25 years without knowing the pleasure of sex for that long....I needed it and as much of it as I could get because I didn't know when my next meal would be. I binged on food like there was no tomorrow. Which is what happened to me tonight with the doughnuts. I binged.

Great. I know this about myself now. So now what? First step? Admit to it and take ownership of my mistake. I was going to pretend this didn't happen. I was not going to share this shame with you. I wasn't even going to journal this horrible sin. But I did, I am. I want to be completely honest with you and in doing so...with myself. "Hi, my name is Kim and I am a binge eater".

Here's the ugly, ugly truth.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Friday, January 27, 2012

Morning

Life Cereal - Quick-added food

1 large banana(s)

2 cup(s) black coffee

Subtotal

Midday

1 cup(s) canned cream of mushroom soup, made with whole milk

1 serving(s) 7 Saltines Salted

1 oz Cheddar or colby cheese

8 medium uncooked baby carrots

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

Source Yogurt - Quick-added food

Subtotal

Evening

1 cup(s) cooked green beans

1 Chicken Almondine

Subtotal

Anytime

1/3 doughnut(s) Filled Donuts - Filled Donuts Strawberry (filled donut)

1/2 doughnut(s) Cake Donuts - Cake Donuts Chocolate Glazed (cake donut)

2 doughnut(s) Cake Donuts - Cake Donuts Old Fashion Plain (cake donut)

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

No entries for exercise.

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

The Results Blog and Other Ramblings

2012-01-26T21:03:00.000-05:00

Let's not beat around the bush. Today was official Weight Watchers weigh in and I lost 0.6 and I hate their scale. It weighs more than the one at home....plus I don't weigh in naked at the meeting...you're welcome for that image. I don't want to tell you my weight. I really don't. I don't want anyone to know. But I'm going to tell you.

*COUGH194.4COUGH*

I know I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed by this. It is just a number after all. A number I am not happy with none-the-less. I grew up as the chunky, unpopular, ugly red-headed kid with the 'fro, lost the weight, was happy with the way I looked, even if I didn't want to admit it. Now, I feel like I've come back full circle to that fat lonely kid again.

0.6 for first "official" Weight Watchers weigh in or not, I'm happy I rejoined. Going to the meetings help to give that added sense of accountability...and someone to help share my successes and failures with. I have always done better going to meetings than going it alone on line. I think for the next 20 weeks I will finally break over my weight slump and finally have the losses I was hoping for and expecting all along. I have an excellent handle on the program and have been getting in as much activity as I can, and am trying to find ways to include even more in my daily routines. It is hard when Brad is working shifts and taking care of the kids by myself but if this is something I want bad enough, I will find a way.

Today I feel ... yucky ...for lack of a better descriptor. I am feeling bloated and thought I had gone drastically over my points both yesterday and today so wasn't going to bother doing them, then realized those are exactly the behaviours that set me up for failure, so I went back and recorded it all. And you know what? Wasn't at all bad. In fact, with my earned activity points from my high intensity boot camp yesterday, I still come out ahead. I even still have one point leftover today. Looking at my food journal today, I didn't do so well getting in any vegetables or fruits and had a lot of carbs, which would probably account for why I am feeling so bloated. I also didn't drink enough water today. Only one crappy bottle of Dasani with lunch. I have a problem getting started drinking water. If I go for a run, I will drink it for the rest of the day. When I don't, it is hard to get that first bottle down. Without that first bottle I just can't be bothered. Will have a better plan for tomorrow.

At the meeting today I saw someone from my past. A past I had all but forgotten about, but played a major role in leading me to my current path in life, finding myself and beginning my Weight Watchers journey. I graduated college for something entirely different than what I am doing in my current career. In fact, I don't think what I graduated from could be further from my current job...other than they both deal with the handling and spending of money I never actually see. After graduation I got a job in my "chosen profession" and moved away from home at 23 to be closer to the city where the jobs where. Though I moved in with my, then, boyfriend and another male room-mate and had a dream job, I was so desperately unhappy. I didn't want to be so far away from my family and friends, I lost all three of my living grandmothers, and my dream job was a dream, just not my dream. I was so unhappy that thought I couldn't change my career or the path my life was taking so instead, I sought out to change who I was. My weight, at that time, had reached its all time high and when I joined Weight Watchers the first time, I was 182.2. The weight was slow to come off back then too, but at that time I knew I could do it and had to do it for my own peace of mind and happiness.

Turns out losing the weight (40.2 of it to be exact!) did more for me than just made me look at feel better about myself. It helped me to become more confident in who I was and in my decisions. I made up my mind to go back to school, move back to Hamilton, and do what I wanted to do with my life. Turns out, the contacts I made at the college I attended were solid and I made quite the impression on those I worked with. I was only in my new program for 8 weeks. I didn't even make it to mid-terms, before I found a "temporary" part-time job at the college. I haven't looked back since and the rest...as they say...is history.

So maybe, just maybe, this is why I am struggling so hard to lose the remaining 44 pounds this time around. This is the third time I've joined the program and have had a significant amount of weight to lose. This time around I am happy. All my complaining and bitching aside, I am happy. I have a loving husband, who I love (most of the time....give or take a few douchey moments of his), two beautiful children who I adore, a job I love (well...we'll see if that changes when I go back), a home that is our own and I get to make the decisions as to when I rip up a floor or two. I'm running and attending the most incredible exercise class. I have loving, concerned and supporting parents. I am living the life. Maybe my therapist was right. Maybe I'm okay just the way I am.....

.........though I could always be better.

Sweet dreams.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Morning
1 large banana(s)	0
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
2 cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
Weight Watchers Toasted Coconut Bar - Quick-added food	2
1 serving(s) 6" Turkey Sub Subway	7
Subtotal	9
Evening
1 cup(s) cooked quinoa	5
2/3 package(s) Instant, Mix-Ins Chocolate fudge instant pudding	2
1 serving(s) Mealtyme White Bread	4
3 Tbsp 95% fat free whipped topping	1
1 Kim's Homemade Chili	5
Subtotal	17
Anytime
7 nut(s) almonds	1
Subtotal	1
*Food PointsPlus* values total used**	29
*Food PointsPlus* values remaining**	1
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
*Activity PointsPlus* values earned**	0
Check off these important items daily:

And yesterday

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios

1 large banana(s)

Subtotal

Midday

1 serving(s) Quaker Maple instant Oatmeal

Hazelnut Flavour Shot Tim Hortons - Quick-added food

1 cup(s) black coffee

1 large fresh apple(s)

1 Kim's Homemade Chili

Subtotal

Evening

1/3 package(s) Instant, Mix-Ins Chocolate fudge instant pudding

4 slice(s) mixed-grain bread

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

2 Kim's Homemade Chili

Subtotal

Anytime

No entries for this meal time.

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

Bootcamp - Activity I created

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

Amazball

2012-01-24T22:15:00.002-05:00

Today was a day at rest. Not from doing things around the house, just from actual activity. Did not get out for my run. The days I do not get out I feel like no matter what I eat, I won't lose weight and it is a day beyond redemption. I know that isn't the case. I write every little thing down that I eat, and now drink. Looking at my points today I went over only by 1...and since I have both banked activity points AND my weekly allotted points remaining I know that, realistically, it is okay to be over by one. So then why do I feel like I failed today?

I am a little bloated feeling. I could probably attribute this to having a diet pepsi today. It had been a while and it was delightful. Not a habit I want to get back into though.

Lunch was amazballs. I made chocolate banana whole wheat pancakes topped with apple slices. To die for. I usually don't like pancakes, but these were pretty damn good if I do say so myself! Dinner was Turkey Chilli. I even managed to get James to eat half of his...including the zuchinni. I make a mean chilli.

I've been enjoying trying new recipes each day. Nice breaking out of the rut of the same old things that I know how to make. I've never really been a very good cook. I tend to prefer baking. I like to know exactly what to do with meat and what to make along with it. Since most of the things we've been trying have been turning out, my confidence in the kitchen is getting a little better to the point where I'm creating my own dishes. The thought of returning to work with Brad working shifts has been terrifying me. Some days I will have to hand the kids all by myself, from dropping them off at my parents (or school eeek!) in the morning then picking them up at night, getting home and making dinner. It has been very reassuring knowing that some of the new things I've found in the Best of Clean Eating cook book have been easy to make with things that I have on hand and have taken a fairly short amount of both prep and cooking time. Maybe I can do this after all. See? There it is. I have to stop telling myself now that I can't do it and I won't be able to do it and that it will be hell on earth. It will be doable. Many women do it every day. Many of them single moms who have to do it all day, every day. Because of this, I am eternally grateful I have a husband who is willing to help out when needed and to have my parents who would do anything for me and the kids. Honestly, without my parents, the first three months of Piper's life...I don't think I would have made it through without them.

Tomorrow morning is boot camp and unofficial weigh in at home for my on line weight watchers and the bet I have going with Brad. Wish me luck!

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios

1 large banana(s)

3 cup(s) black coffee

Subtotal

Midday

Banana Chocolate Chip Whole Wheat pancakes - Quick-added food

1/2 large fresh apple(s)

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

Subtotal

Evening

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

5 slice(s) mixed-grain bread

1 Kim's Homemade Chili

Subtotal

Anytime

1 serving(s) 7 Saltines Salted

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

No entries for exercise.

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

Rebel Without a Cause

2012-01-23T19:13:00.001-05:00

AHA! I figured it out. After some careful self evaluation and hard thinking, I believe I have figured out why I set myself up for self sabotage and can't control my mindless eating.

All my life I've had to answer to someone else, follow someone else's rules. I struggled to find myself and become my own person while living within, what I felt, were strict rules. I rebelled as a teenager the best I could. It was hard to figure out who I was when I wasn't allowed to go far from home and didn't have many friends.

Now, I have no one to answer to. I am my own person. I have no rules and the decisions I make are my own. The only one telling me what to do is myself, and as the cliché saying goes, "I follow nobody's rules, not even my own". I suppose down deep I don't like people telling me what to do so much that I even rebel against myself. Does that make sense? I have no one else to say no to or disagree with other than myself.

Being aware of this unfortunately doesn't make it any better. I can only try to be more mindful and aware of what I am eating and why. The good feeling of being in control and having a positive self image is far, far better than the depressed, bloated, self hating feeling I get when I spiral out of control. I want that good feeling to last. God, I am my own worst enemy. How can I know what is right and what to do and then do the exact opposite? I am a pro at this Weight Watchers thing. I know it works. I know that it works well. Is it because I know that it does work I figure it'll still work if I only kinda sorta follow the program. I think I over think things a little too much.

I've had a lot going through my head lately. Brad and I have been discussing James and what is best for him in preparation of school in September. He is a fairly well behaved, fairly polite little boy. He plays well by himself. I only want what is best for him. Brad is strongly making an argument for placing him in pre-school two days a week (most centres won't allow for only one day). I feel guilt either way. I feel guilty for keeping him home, without interaction with other kids. He is good at playing independently when I'm cleaning or cooking dinner. He doesn't mind being alone. However he doesn't share well and doesn't get to play with other kids all that much. I feel guilty for considering placing him in pre-school because I am home, I am able to take care of my own child. I will never again have the opportunity to be home with my kids all day everyday again. Once I go back to work that is it. Given our current financial situation, we also don't really need an extra $78 a week. Sure I'm good at the family budget and we can fit it in, especially since there is no more pizza and wings or eating out. I also know that it will be met with disapproval from my parents. And more than any thing else, I do not want to disappoint my parents.

I digress. Hard life decisions. My kids are my world and I only want what is best for them. I had a fair lonely childhood and didn't make friends well...and as Brad loves to point out...I do not share my toys well.

I did well today with both food and activity. Got my run on this afternoon after the ran stopped and the sun came out and used all but three points of food. Considering a beer....hmmmm....................

Today's dinner was my own creation. Quinoa with beef sirloin stir-fry.

Previous day's lunch was whole wheat pancakes with apple and banana slices

.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, January 23, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K

1 large banana(s)

1 cup(s) black coffee

Subtotal

Midday

1/2 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained

1 item(s) Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Grain Tortilla

1 tsp Dijon Mustard

1 gm dried chia seeds

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

1/3 oz Cheddar or colby cheese

2 oz Dill Pickle(s)

5 item(s) uncooked baby carrots

Subtotal

Evening

1/2 cup(s) cooked quinoa

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

1 Beef Teriyaki Stirfry

Subtotal

Anytime

10 nut(s) almonds

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

17 min jogging

30 min walking, brisk

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

That One Day

2012-01-20T11:12:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was *the* day. You know that day. The day where one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you find yourself on the couch with a large (skinny*snort*) vanilla bean latte, a bag of chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels, a slice of left over deep dish pizza from the previous night and a pity party in the making. Never had that kind of day? No? Denial ain't just a river in Egypt for your then is it?

Yesterday started out typical. It was Brad's day off. I started my day out okay. Had a play date at an indoor play ground with the kids, from there went to my Weight Watchers meeting, didn't have time for lunch. James was rewarded for going poop in the potty by being allowed to go to the Bulk Barn to choose a candy reward and that's probably where it all went down hill. I happened to notice a bin of Milk Chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels. OF COURSE I had to try some. I mean, creamy sweet milk chocolate. Salty smooth peanut butter. Salty crunchy pretzels. Who in their right mind could pass up this once in a lifetime flavour experience? Then because there was a mild snow storm and it was just across the street, I HAD to get a latte.

Sad part? They pretzels gave me a tummy ache and I had maybe a quarter of my latte. I don't know how many of the pretzels I actually had. Yesterday I didn't bother doing my points at all. I had planned on pretending like yesterday didn't happen and just go on about my business and beg ignorance come weigh in time. Honest, I don't know WHY I gained this week. I was a perfect angel. What good would that be though? Lying to myself and any blog readers I may actually have. What is the point of this then? Why pretend I'm perfect and my life is perfect? It isn't. So I did my points. I looked up the nutritional info on line for my pretzels and it isn't pretty. 4.5 grams of saturated fat? Seriously?

Nutrition Facts
Pure Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter filled Pretzels

Serving Size: 40 g

Amount

% Daily Value

Calories 200

Total Fat 11g

17%

Saturated Fat 4.5g

Trans fat 0g

Total Fat Percentage

23%

Cholesterol 5mg

Sodium 300mg

13%

Carbohydrates 21g

Dietary Fibre 2g

Sugars 9g

Proteins 5g

Vitamin A

Vitamin C

Calcium

Iron

I will be getting rid of the rest. Honestly? They were rather disappointing anyway.Today is a new day and I will not dwell on yesterday. I will aim and strive to do better.
Yesterday ended up looking like this. Probably way off on how many servings of the pretzels I had.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Morning
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
1 cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
3 serving(s) Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter filled Pretzles	16
1 serving(s) Second Cup Skinny Vanilla Bean Latte	5
1 Windy City Pie	7
Subtotal	28
Evening
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
Subtotal	2
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
*Food PointsPlus* values total used**	32
*Food PointsPlus* values remaining**	0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
*Activity PointsPlus* values earned**	0

The Music to Move You

2012-01-18T21:30:00.001-05:00

On my run today I forgot to change the playlist from what the kids and I had been dancing to while cleaning up after dinner last night. I ended up doing my entire run/walk/climb to NKOTBSB. I'm not one for pop music. There are certain Lady Gaga and Katy Perry little ditties that I can tolerate, mostly though my tastes are a little harder. Usually the angrier or faster, the better. The change to the "older" happy music of my childhood energized me and got me moving better than the "other stuff".

Music really does set the mood. When I used to work out at the gym on my lunch hours at work, the harder the music the better for me. I needed that type of music to fit my mood back then. I have a job that, at times, is very fast paced, demanding and stressful. I would go for an hour, do 25 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weights. I needed something that would relieve my stress and help push my body to my limits. Nothing like a little Disturbed, Drowning Pool or Rob Zombie to sweat to! Trust me, these sessions saved some of my more needy clients a punch in the nose.

Now that I am off work I need something to be able to relax and reflect to. To remind me of the simpler things in life. A little bubble gum pop music may just be able to do it, in the form of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. I even found myself mouthing the words to songs at times. Great, I'm getting soft in my old age. I draw the line at Justin Bieber though. These ears are still Bieber virgins.

It is too bad that Weight Watchers officially starts tomorrow and today was the very first weigh in to get the starting weight on the little side bet Brad and I have going again. Compared to last week I lost 3.8 pounds! See? The program works when followed and followed correctly. Add to that my attempts at clean eating (cleaning anyway), I had an awesome week. I'm still 2 pounds above where I got down to prior to the Christmas season, but I will not and am not dwelling on it. I actually felt so disgusted with myself and depressed beyond any level I had been since starting my medication that I am using that to motivate me and keep me motivated. I do not want to feel that bloated and low on energy again. Weight this week: 190.6

Today's dinner was another recipe out of The Best of Clean Eating. The picture makes it look quite naughty, however, under that cheese is a whole whack of vegetables and turkey sausage. The home-made crust was whole wheat and nice and crispy. A definite try again.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K

1 large banana(s)

2 cup(s) black coffee

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

Subtotal

Midday

1 large egg(s)

2 item(s) egg white(s)

1 cup(s) fresh spinach

1/2 cup(s) button mushrooms

1/2 oz Cheddar or colby cheese

1/2 item(s) Ezekiel 4:9

1 serving(s) Activia Peach/Prune Yogurt

Subtotal

Evening

1/2 cup(s) strawberries

3 Tbsp 95% fat free whipped topping

2 Windy City Pie

Subtotal

Anytime

No entries for this meal time.

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

30 min jogging

10 min stairclimber, 36 steps per minute

30 min walking, brisk

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

GAH and double GAH!!!

2012-01-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

GAH! Just when a plan comes into place and works out to make your life easier, someone goes and changes a tiny element of it, throwing everything out of whack! DOUBLE GAH!

Yesterday I was so happy about the plan to be able to attend Weight Watchers meetings on Wednesday's after boot camp. It was going to involve a lot of driving, but it was going to be okay, it was going to be alone time and as one of my readers pointed out, time to blast MY music for a change. I even figured out where I was going to be able to park without having to pay for it AND get lunch to bring to the meetings. Someone decided to change the day of the meeting to Thursday instead of Wednesday meaning two out of three meetings I will have to figure out what to do with the kids. Bright side? I can still park at the mall and get Subway as planned. Down side? I really don't want to bring James and Piper with me. Yes, I'm sure if I asked my parents would watch them for me, how ever I hate always asking and I really don't want to drive them all the way into their house, back across the mountain to the meeting, back again to get them and then back again to take them home. Two days in a row just isn't worth it. Small change and big issue for me. Dammit!'

Still motivated today. Yesterday went well. Went for a run and completed the Fit4Females M.O.M. challenge at home. For dinner I made home made Sheppard's Pie. It is a Weight Watchers recipe I learned when I first joined that I tweaked slightly to be clean. The recipe calls for Instant mashed potatoes, which I actually prefer, but I used real mashed. More of a pain in the ass to make, especially when Brad is on nights, as he was last night, but a better option. I enjoy Sheppard's Pie, especially on cold winter days, however James is turning into quite the picky eater. Lately anything I make is a "yucky dinner". I'm not one for making him stay at the table until everything is done, I do insist however that he at least try it. It has been a struggle especially when Brad is working the night shift and I'm trying to get James to eat dinner while at the same time keeping Piper happy. One of life's challenges with two kids and the husband's new job.

I've gotten into a routine. Life just works right now (with the Weight Watchers meeting exception), I am terrified of going back to work, and the new challenges that will go along with it, and then again when James will start junior kindergarten in September. We'll save the blog for another day, stay positive now and just roll with the punches that come my way now.

Today is a day of rest as far as running is concerned. I do plan on the challenge again later tonight after the kids are in bed. Left over Sheppard's Pie again tonight wither James likes it or not.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, January 16, 2012

Morning
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
1 large banana(s)	0
3 cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
1 cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1 tsp olive oil	1
2 tsp balsamic vinegar	0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk	3
1 Chicken Almondine	8
Subtotal	12
Evening
shepard's pie - Quick-added food	8
4 slice(s) pumpernickel bread	8
Subtotal	16
Anytime
1 large fresh apple(s)	0
1 Tbsp flax seed(s)	1
Subtotal	1
*Food PointsPlus* values total used**	31
*Food PointsPlus* values remaining**	0
Exercise
60 min jogging	13
*Activity PointsPlus* values earned**	13

2012-01-16T14:24:00.000-05:00

Just got back from a run and a rather delightful yet chilly run. It is funny. When I'm out and actually doing "the deed" I'm nothing but positivity and rah rah I can do it. I suppose it is the fresh air and the time alone and quiet to clear my head without constant interruptions. I planned my meals for most of the week and the lunch I was going to have when I got back home while I was on my run.

I'm not one to get "bored" of food, so when I find a meal I can fit into all of my requirements, I stick with it, especially if it tastes good. I know that isn't a good thing to practice since your body does need a variety of nutrients and may get used to what you put into it if it is the same thing over and over. Before I left, I had planned on another spinach and egg white omelet. Had that yesterday, tasted good, easy to make, fail safe. Instead I was able to think about what was in the house and planned lunch around that. Ended up having a leftover chicken almondine breast on a bed of spinach, flax seed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar on it. Delicious!

I found the Chicken Almondine recipe in a new cook book I got after the holidays. "The Best of Clean Eating". I really like some of the recipes in it. They mostly use ingredients I already had around the house and are really simple to make....and are common sense. When you think about it, most recipe books are "clean" since they mostly require fresh ingredients. I do recommend this book to anyone who is thinking about eating a little bit healthier.

Here's the chicken recipe for anyone interested:

1/4c slivered unsalted almonds, toasted, divided (I didn't bother toasting, next time I'll give it a try)
1 tbsp whole wheat flour
1/4 tbsp Spanish paprika
Sea salt and Pepper to taste
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (1lb total) pounded to 1/2 inch thickness (which I didn't do)
Olive oil cooking spray
1 lb fresh green beans
Zest of 1 lemon (about 2 to 3 tsp)
Juice of 1/2 lemon (about 1 tbsp)

Grind half of the almonds to a powder. In medium bowl, combine grounded almonds, flour and paprika. Season with salt and pepper. Dredge chicken breast in almond-flour mixture and set aside.

Set large non-stick or cast-iron skillet over high heat for one minute. Mist with cooking spray and heat for one minute more. Reduce heat to medium-high and saute chicken for three minutes per side or until golden brown with no pink remaining. Remove from heat.

Bring a medium pot of water to boil. Add beans and blanch for one minute. Remove beans from water. In large bowl toss beans with lemon zest and juice, season with salt and pepper.

To serve, sprinkle with remaining eight-cup of almonds over top of chicken, dividing evenly. Serve each chicken breast with 3/4c of green beans.

Calories 220
Total Fat 6g
Sat Fat 0.75g
Carbs 12g
Fiber 5g
Sugars 2g
Protein 30g
Sodium 111mg
Cholesterol 66mg

New Strategy and Thinking

2012-01-15T10:44:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with me? Seriously what is wrong with me? Why can't I do this? Why am I having such a hard time doing what I've been doing for the past 12 years?

In councilling we've started working on my negative self image and my up coming return to work. I always focus on the negative. It doesn't matter if it is in regard to myself, my house, or my accomplishments. Often if I can't do something "good enough" or be the BEST at it, I give up. I have an "all or nothing" attitude. If I can't be the best at something, I'd just rather not do it to avoid failure or losing. What kind of life is that? If you set yourself up for failure, you will lose everytime.

I'm being taught to change my thinking from I'm not good enough or I'm not worth it to "I am good enough, I'm okay just the way I am and I am worth it". So hard when after 33 years you've told yourself "yes, but...".

I am trying hard to change my thinking. I'm trying hard not to just do what I know I am capable of and to push myself a little bit further. If I do fail, I fail, I'll just keep at it until I am able to accomplish it...and then it'll feel like a success. This is the case with my running. I took the month of December off (which I regret). I was able to come up with all kinds of excuses...the kids traded a bad cold back and forth since November 28th. I was sick with a mild sinus cold. December was crazy insane with family event after family event. This lax attitude helped me to regain 7 of the 9 pounds I worked my ass off to lose the 3 months before. I had a pitty party. I was in a very dark place again. So easy to slip back into old thinking and feelings. My first run of the new year I went back a week in training. It was difficult but I got out there. Considering going out today once I'm done this post.

I have officially rejoined Weight Watchers meetings. I have been following on line with some small success. I always do better in the group meeting sessions. I like have someone to compare myself with. Horrible I know. My place of employment is offering an "at work" 20 week session of meetings. Wednesdays will be crazy busy with me driving across the city 4 times that day. 1 to drop James off at my parents then go to bootcamp, 2 to drop Piper off at my parents then drive into the college for meeting, 3 to drive back to my parents to pick up the kids and 4 to drive home once it is all over. Sometimes though you have to do what you have to do to take time for yourself and make yourself happy.

Speaking of which, I need to make time for myself and keep my blog up. I suppose I haven't been doing so because I didn't want anyone to know about my failures. Failures though are what make us all human. This is a struggle for me. When I don't do well, I get depressed. Writing my feelings down in highschool in my diary used to help get the negative feelings out and refocus. I recently shredded my old diaries. I couldn't even re-read them. Some of the feelings in there were too painful to relive. I honestly didn't have a bad life. I had a bad self preception which lead to years of misery and pain.

I don't want to live that kind of life and I certainly do not want to pass it on to my kids. I try my damnest not to obsess over my looks, say I'm fat, have negative self talk infront of them. When I am asked why I'm not having ice cream or cookies with the family or why I go to exercise class or out for a run, I simply say "to get healthy".

Because ultimately that's what this is all about. To get healthy. Both physically AND mentally.

Jealous much? The Results Blog

2011-11-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

I lost 3.8 pounds this week and according to MY scale I am officially out of the 190's! I weighed in at home at 189.8! I am so excited! I have been motivated. I have been feeling good about myself. I have been able to avoid temptation and say no to certain foods that have been offered to me. I've added flax, almonds, more vegetables and cut out all processed foods and "white" foods.

Brad? Well. 'Kay first, men lose easier. Second, he has a lot more weight to lose than I do. HE lost 12.8 pounds. In a week. Just by following the same diet I have been. I'm proud of him. I'm happy for him. I am a sore loser though. We have a side bet going on who can lose 20 pounds by December 21. I was winning. And then, he started taking it serious and I started cooking healthy. So I take FULL credit for his loss. I'm the one who got his ass off the couch for a walk. I'm the one gently suggesting what not to eat and what to eat. What habits that should stop. Pointing out to him his unconsious eating.

Yea, I'm a sore loser, however it certainly doesn't help when he is over my shoulder as I type this gloating and teasing about his great job.

I do jest though. He's done a great job. To start eating healthy like this takes a lot of disipline and you do have to come to terms with it and be ready. I'm proud of him for doing this with me. This is the support I so despereately needed in my life and this is the change in his that he needed.

Together, we will be unstoppable! ( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)

K

( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)

2011-11-21T21:06:00.000-05:00

I feel amazing. I am trying new things that before I didn't think I would like or would be too hard to maintain. Now that we have the proper groceries in the house and have replaced certain items with a healthier or better option, eating "cleaner" is a whole hell of a lot easier.

I am enjoying my lunches of spinach, tuna and eggs. I started throwing a quarter cup of tuna on my spinach salad along with a couple tea spoons of flax seeds, pair it up with a hard boiled egg, a cup of milk and Greek yogurt (another teaspoon of flax) and your GOLDEN! Tonight's dinner was one of my best yet. I made a stir fry creation of my very own! I'm usually pretty unwilling to concoct something in the kitchen on my own in fear that it won't taste good and no one will end up eating dinner. However, I made my own stir fry marinade. A couple shakes of soy sauce, a couple shakes of worshetershire a teaspoon of olive oil, a table spoon of honey, garlic and pepper. Sauteed a cut of sirloin beef, measured 3oz per portion, onion, green and red pepper and zucchini and a side of brown rice. DELICIOUS! James even ate and liked it. Yeah, the sodium content could have been better, but it was a start.

There have been some misses too. Take today's lunch for example. I took two hard boiled eggs, mashed them up and filled a whole grain tortilla along with spinach and some cheddar cheese. It definitely needed something...else. Something tangy. I'm not one for egg salad, so mayonnaise it out. Maybe some dill pickle spears for crunch and tang. Might be willing to give it another try.

My attempts at a total lifestyle change are having an impact on both James and Brad. James and I had a good discussion about what is and is not healthy and why healthy is good for you. Brad has been eating better and making a conscious effort to lose weight. He is even allowing me to coach him a little bit and be a bit of a drill sergeant when I see something he shouldn't do or could do better. Like, finishing off James' food, especially if it is something bad. He's even joined the YMCA so he will be able to use their gym facilities. Yes, baby steps are being made all around and I am proud of us all.

I haven't been able to get in much activity this week other than housework unfortunately. The weekend was busy with family stuff and with the loss of my itouch and running program, I was unable to get out for a run. I'm not happy about that but I am not going to beat myself up about it like I normally would. I'm not sure how well boot camp and possible runs will go this week as I've had a minor physical set back. This morning at 6:00am I began my day by falling down the stairs. All 8 of them, from the very top to the very bottom. I've twisted my knee and ankle pretty badly and have wicked bruises on my elbow and bicep. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, however I am eternally grateful that I was not carrying Piper at the time.

I'm off to have a nice hot bath now. It has been a long day, I am sore and sleepy. Tonight? I'm going to bed happy.

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, November 21, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
2 tsp flax seed(s) 1
Subtotal 4
Midday
2 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 serving(s) Ezekiel Whole Grain Pita 4

1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 oz Cheddar or colby cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) PC Hummus 2
7 item(s) uncooked baby carrots 0
Subtotal 12

Evening
3 oz cooked lean and trimmed beef sirloin 4
1/2 cup(s) uncooked instant brown rice 5
1 Tbsp soy sauce 0
1 Tbsp honey 2
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet green pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet red pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked onion(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14

Anytime
10 Almonds 2
Subtotal 2

Food PointsPlus values total used 34

The day the lights went out

2011-11-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

We had big plans for today. James and I cleaned the living room while Piper watched and Brad slept in the morning, in preparation for decorating for Christmas. At some point in the morning I placed my iPod on our Rubbermaid set of plastic drawers (the ones I keep all the soothers and bibs in) along with my mug of coffee. As I happened to look over, I saw Coffee (our cat) hop onto the drawers and prepare to jump over to the half wall that separates the entrance from the dining room. I act a second too slowly and the drawers, coffee (the tasty beverage) and ipod go every which direction. DEVASTATION! The coffee (again the tasty beverage) can be refilled. The ipod? $170 to fix or $180 for a new 8 gig. Coffee (the cat) is in the dog house.

I did not realize just how attached I have become to that handy little device until the lights went out on it. It has become my source of socialization while on maternity leave. I hate the telephone, even as a teenager. I'd rather text or email, facebook or tweet. More importantly than anything else, this time around with the baby, that little device (which I had named Harvey II) is my key to weight loss. My running program is on it as is my mobile weight watchers tracking. I find I will track my points much more easily and readily since it is right there. I'm not required to look points up for anything as it is all in my database. All points are kept track with no math work for me to do. I automatically know what my daily, weekly and activity points are at a glance. I can also keep track of my water intake and how many servings of each food group I have consumed. Tomorrow we have to take it back to the Apple Store and I will be without for a while. I'm actually panicking. I was doing so well and I don't know how I can keep my motivation up without it. Especially with the running. The helpful timer and beeping ensured I was learning to run correctly by slowly building up my endurance. Oh please people at Apple, be gentle. Harvey is worth an additional $170 to me because he is my life! Reason I opted to get Harvey fixed rather than replaced? Mine is a 32 gig. The Replacement would only be 8 gig and I enjoy having my entire cd collection and then some in my pocket, ;P

So despite my best intentions of grocery shopping and going for a run, I did neither as we ventured to the Apple Store for NOTHING. We have to go back tomorrow to drop it off (long story). Hopefully I can get one more run in before I have to give it up. Harvey is still operational, just no longer back lit, so very hard to see.

Food wise I did very good. While I did have a sub for dinner, we didn't take the easier way out of burger and fries or any other fast alternative since we didn't get out of Apple until 5:30.

Today was a crappy, frustrating day. It is now over. Tomorrow will be better. I know it will.

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Friday, November 18, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3

Midday
1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp red wine vinegar 0
1 oz Cheddar cheese 3
1/4 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained 1
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
Subtotal 10

Evening
Roast Beef Sub on Whole Wheat, no cheese - 12
Subtotal 12

Anytime
Date loaf - Quick-added food 4
Subtotal 4

Food PointsPlus values total used 29
Food PointsPlus values remaining 1

You are what you eat

2011-11-17T20:58:00.000-05:00

Today I am proud of James and I. I made a healthy dinner, and he ate it. Without being prompted! Tonight I made Wild Salmon brushed with a tsp of olive oil and two tsps of balsamic vinegar, broiled for 12 minutes, a side of brown rice with zucchini quickly sauteed in a little bit of soy sauce, and a baby spinach salad for me.

James ate his entire salmon fillet without any problem at all, and even commented that it was "really good Mommy!". I had to encourage him to try the rice, and he did, said it was good even. Then he tried one of the cucumbers in it (zucchini, but did nothing to discourage him calling it that at the time since he loves cucumber).

Eating healthy and a positive self image is something I am very concerned about with my kids. Today James asked me why I go to an exercise class. I was very careful not to say it was to lose weight or to get thin. I made a point of saying it was to get and stay healthy. I try really had that no matter how badly I am feeling about myself on any given day, I do not project those feelings of doubt and self hatred. Having low self esteem and a low self image is a horrible thing to have and I certainly do not want either James or Piper to have these feelings that I am plagued with almost every day. I make sure to call James handsome and Piper beautiful. I tell both my children I love them and that to me they are special. I want my children to have the self confidence I pretend to have while inside I doubt in myself everything. You can especially tell when I'm attempting to be confident at work and I start stuttering and tripping over my words. The worst is when I know I'm doing it and am aware of it, just makes it all come out worse. The only problem I hope I don't encounter is creating little monsters who think they are the only ones in the world with giant huge egos. Must find the balance to create well rounded creative thinking individuals.

I did not make it out for a run today. Instead I had a play date for James. It was bloody cold out anyway. I will go tomorrow and have rescheduled my run for Saturday (I had planned on resting on the weekend anyway). This works out better anyway. I had three days straight of activity, time to give the body a day of rest and get back into it tomorrow. I was quite pleased with my eating today. I think I ate as clean as I could get with what I had on hand. Given a properly stocked pantry, it wouldn't be as hard as I had always assumed it to be. Still can't quit the coffee though. Almost fell asleep this morning while giving Piper her bottle. So we'll just have to cut it down to two cups a day and go from there.

Tomorrow is measurement day! Let us hope for good things. Fingers crossed!

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Thursday, November 17, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3
1 large banana(s) 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3

Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 oz cheddar cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 7

Evening
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
1 serving(s) Salmon Fillet 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Renee's Lemon Poppy Seed 1
Subtotal 13

Anytime
1/2 slice(s) date-nut bread 3
Subtotal 3

Food PointsPlus values total used 26
Food PointsPlus values remaining 4

Dr Seuss Knows Best

2011-11-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

Breathe in. Breathe out. Now silently scream inside your head. Scream even though you knew what the out come would be. Scream and criticize yourself because there was probably something else you could have done. Should have done. Lied to yourself about somewhere along the way. Didn't push yourself hard enough. Took the easy way out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now...let. It. Go. Poof.

Negative thoughts. Always negative thoughts first. Today was weigh in day for both Weight Watchers and for the Biggest Loser Challenge. I got to watch my weight rise and feel like a big loser! Wooo! This week I thought I did pretty well. I made some food choices I normally wouldn't make. Tried to think outside the box and make the best of what I had on hand in the house already to make due until grocery day (and payday) Friday. I made sure that every day I had scheduled a little red "R" on my calendar, I got my ass out the door. Sure I had some slip ups along the way, but as far as Weight Watchers was concerned, I wrote down everything I ate. Everything.

So what happened? How did I manage to gain 0.6 pounds this week? I don't know. It is a mystery. “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr, Seuss. In other words. Shit happens, learn from it and move on. Sure, I"m taking it out of context, but for my purposes, it fits. Maybe it should read more like: "Don't cry, because it is over. Smile because it happened". Yeah, I gained. I was really hoping to do well my first week of this challenge. But to quote another create "creator" "You can't always get what you want"...but I may just get what I need...in this case, the kick in the ass and the extra motivation I need to make me even more determined, more stubborn and more on target than last week. Ha. That is me. Taking a negative and turning it into a positive.

Trina was great though. I think she really knew how hard the gain hit me even though I (think) I maintained a brave exterior and didn't show how badly it effected me. She gave me the pep talk I needed to hear. Sometimes I get caught up trying to be the best I can be and if I don't see the results, I pretty much give up. I am hard on myself. Extremely hard on myself. I hate to fail and I hate not seeing results and giving anything less than my best. Because of which, I think I often underestimate myself. Must stop that. I will do better. I will get through this. And, more importantly I think, once I get there, I WILL be happy with myself and what I have achieved. I will quit trying to reach for perfection, because that is the one sure way to ensure a failure.

However, as much of a perfectionist as I am, I am still looking for that one thing that I can be happy with, be proud of and flaunt. And it ain't NEVER going to be my butt or thighs...sorry Trina!

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3 - can't give up my cereal. Too quick and easy in the morning and I LOVE cereal. Will try to find a better kind of cereal though.
1 large banana(s) 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Tim Horton's Chicken Ranch Wrap 5 - it was a whole wheat tortilla. My parents bought it for me and I couldn't say no. They had it ready and waiting for me when I picked up James after bootcamp.
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5

Evening
4 oz cooked pork loin, lean and fat 7 - will break out the food scale again for exact portion sizes.
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1/2 zucchini 0
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Sub dried tomato dressing 1 - am out of olive oil, could not make my own. Measured out actual serving size as per packaging.
Subtotal 13

Anytime
10 item(s) baby carrots 0
1 large banana(s) 0
Homemade Date Loaf - 3 - I love to bake...and I needed the date loaf to help out until I am able to get to grocery store and purchase chia and flax seeds. Don't ask. ;)
Subtotal 3

Food PointsPlus values total used 24
Food PointsPlus values remaining 6

Exercise
Bootcamp - 4
Activity PointsPlus values earned 4

Reflections

2011-11-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

We're back to being motivated and I'm pretty proud of myself today and yesterday. Especially today. Last night I attended a seminar for nutrition and learned a few things. I have entered a "Biggest Loser" challenge through the trainer I have been taking my boot camp with. I figured I could use all the motivation I can get. Since I'm a competitive person, I need others to know what I am accomplishing and doing.

I'm glad I went. I think it was the kick in the ass I needed. Today I made the best decisions food wise that I could given what we had in the house and got active. For lunch I actually had two hard boiled eggs, roman lettuce, homemade balsamic vinaigrette and strawberries. I didn't think I would be full, but it actually filled me up and kept me satisfied until dinner.

The problem with eating clean and healthy, to me, is that it seems like a lot of work. It is so easy, especially when Brad is on nights, to open up a box of some premade food to feed the kids rather than cook a chicken breast. And not eating sugar or white flour seems next to impossible. So in that respect, when and where I can avoid these types of foods, I will. Otherwise I will watch my portions and give it my all. Combine that with Weight Watchers, I should be golden. Maybe not winning golden, but maybe a nice bright amber.

I have been feeling good this week, which helps. Piper has been cranky as all hell. A tooth broke through tonight so that explains her surliness for the past 4 days. Today I had a fitness high. I made it out for a training run. I love being able to run through the park, there is a beautiful view of the city, it is quiet and everyone you pass smiles and says hello. After my 30 minute training session, I continued on for a walk along the trail. At the end I was able to pause again on the park bench, with a beautiful view of the city and bay, and just meditate. Clear my mind of all thoughts. I didn't care if anyone walked by and saw me sitting there, lotus position, eyes closed, just breathing. Figured, if they did see me, they'd just be jealous anyway. I love being off on maternity leave. There will never be another time in my life that I am able to actually raise my own kids. To watch them grow and enjoy their childhood. It makes me sad thinking that my time with them is half over and this will eventually have to come to an end. I do not want it to end. I am trying to enjoy my time to the fullest. I am sad that I wasted my first 5 months being sad and depressed. I am grateful that I was able to ask my doctor for help and get the help I needed when I did. I couldn't have taken wasting another minute of my time.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Morning

1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) Maple Oatmeal Squares 5
Subtotal 8

Midday
1 cup(s) romaine lettuce 0
3 medium strawberries 0
2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar 1
2 medium whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 Tbsp olive oil 4
Subtotal 9

Evening
1 serving(s) Fettuccine Alfredo Sidekick 3
2 slice(s) cooked lean ham 4
1 cup(s) cooked corn kernels 4
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14

Anytime
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Food PointsPlus values remaining 0

Exercise
Run - Activity I created 5
Activity PointsPlus values earned 5

K

Everything Zen (inside chaos)

2011-11-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

I want to lose weight more than anything...I think. Really I do. So why do I keep screwing it up? I become frustrated with the slowness of the process and one day of a whoopsie becomes five very quickly. Is it that I am feeling sorry for myself? Possibly. Even though my weight isn't changing, my "dimensions" certainly are. I took a peek a few days ago. I will technically record the inches on November 18th. But I am so far amazed with the results. Not to give anything away, but I believe it has been more than 2" in a month!

Brad is still at the sabotage game. He went to a football game with the guys on Sunday. And of course, he had to pick up some snacks for the trip over to Buffalo. Before he left for his shopping trip the Friday before, he asked if I wanted anything from he Bulk Barn. Of course thoughts of Skor bars and chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter filled pretzels and chocolate covered espresso beans filled my thoughts, I said no thank you. Even though I said no thank you, he came home with chocolate covered cappuccino bits. After he was back from the game they had stopped at Taco Bell, he didn't eat his apple empanada, gave it to me to eat. Discovered someone had put a bag of chips into his bag and gave that to me (thanks Andy...jerk!). Of COURSE I know I didn't HAVE to eat them. I know that. Worse yet, I didn't really want to. But I did. Out of habit? Thoughts that go through my head when doing it? Not much actually. I think, "well, one won't hurt" "I'll have this now, since I don't know when the next time I"ll get to have chips will be" "Fuck it". Honestly, that last one is the worst. A simple "Fuck it" and I'm scoffing down Halloween candy like there is no tomorrow. For this simple reason, I try not to allow these kinds of things into our home. Yet somehow, junk always finds its way in through my door. Right now, right above me on the computer desk is another one of Brad's gems. A bag full of wine gums. However, I don't like wine gums, and I am able to keep them out of my mouth and away from my thoughts. Too bad potato chips taste like angels dancing on my tongue in an orgy of salty goodness.

I managed to get out for a "run" yesterday. Since I haven't been able to make it out in a couple of weeks, I am starting over at day one. I'm not sure how effective it is since it was a very slow jog. Extremely slow. I think power walkers could have passed me. My knees hurt. Amazing how quickly your body falls out of it and how long and hard it takes just to get it back. I think what I need to do is schedule my runs on the kitchen calendar. Work it out with Brad's schedule and if it is written down, go on the day when scheduled. When I was out actually doing it yesterday, it was nice to be alone with my thoughts. It was a beautiful fall day, I wasn't at work, I was able to spend time with my beautiful children. Hell, after my run was over I sat on a park bench in the lotus position meditating, allowing thoughts of absolutely nothing fill my head. Just the sounds of the wind in the trees and birds chirping. Life should be that calm and zen all the time. Which reminds me...anyone know of any good, yet inexpensive, yoga classes in the area? God, I miss yoga.

Tomorrow I begin a "Biggest Loser" challenge run through the fitness class and instructor I have been going to. I figure I need all the motivation I can muster. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need. I am an extremely competitive person and hate to lose anything. I do not expect to win, or even finish in the top 10. I do however plan on giving it my best.

K

The Result Blog - And other stuff

2011-11-04T09:19:00.000-04:00

I have been remiss in blogging. Weigh in day was on Wednesday. Much to my disappointment and frustration I gained 0.2 pounds. This means for the ENTIRE month of October I only lost 2.6 pounds. I know I haven't been following the program as good as I should. I go days without journalling my food. I don't know what it is going to take to get me to be totally committed to this. I want this more than anything. Because of that, I get easily frustrated and eat because I'm frustrated.

I've moved my kitchen around to make it harder to get into our fridge. You actually have to move a chair and table to be able to gain access to it, just too much work for a snack. Of course, it is healthier to snack from the fridge than the pantry. Maybe a lock on the pantry would be more effective.

Still have yet to get out to do another round of the Couch to 5K. It isn't like I've just been sitting on my butt doing nothing though. I have been cleaning the house. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, cupboards, appliances, walls and floors with warm water and a bucket of soap. House smells better at least. Next to tackle, upstairs.

And on that note, I better log what I ate today. The only one who can make this effort is me.

K

Bloated Fat Carcus - The Halloween Post

2011-10-30T20:24:00.000-04:00

I hadn't intended on dressing up for Halloween, but since I am feeling and looking like a body from CSI that was just pulled out of a gully somewhere, I might as well take advantage right? Yeah. That's it. Perfectly terrifying. Little children can poke me with a stick to see if they can make me expel gas. DNA experts will have to determine if I am human or swine.

So, okay. I may be overly dramatic, it is just the way I have been feeling all week. I'll admit it. I haven't exactly followed program this week. The start of the week I journaled breakfast and lunch. Today I didn't even log on to the program. I have snacked non stop through out the day, and made the wrong food choices entirely. The good part? I have not been into the Halloween candy as of yet. However, that isn't saying much since Brad hid it on me as soon as it was brought home. I have a sneaking suspension it is in the hidden compartment in the trunk of my car, I'm just too fucking lazy to go and look.

Then there is Brad. He hasn't exactly been helpful this week. For his birthday he wanted ribs and chicken wings for dinner...along with potato wedges. Kim's kryptonite. No, no one held me at gun point, held my nose and waited for me to take a breath before shoving a wing down my throat. I enjoyed the deliciousness all on my own. When it comes to food pushing, my husband is second to none. It is so bad that he is not allowed to enter a grocery store on his own. Budget in place or not, I sent him out to buy milk and the man will come back with cinnamon rolls...because they were looking lonely. All alone on the reduced to sell rack. I can't blame him entirely. He is very close to 330 pounds. He was never taught or encouraged to eat a healthy balanced diet. Over indulgence was and is, his way of life and a few extra pounds was not seen as a problem. Unfortunately a few extra became a couple hundred. He was like that when I married him. I knew what I was getting into. Stupid me, thought I could change and help him. When he joined Weight Watchers with me once, he managed to lose 50 pounds and quickly. He even got to 280. I distinctly remember the conversation we had at our apartment in Toronto. I told him I had been getting ready to leave him for good as I was no longer attracted to him. I was so proud of him working so hard to lose the weight. When he did good, I did good. We were happy. He promised me that he would never ever get to be over 300 pounds again. Looking back on our relationship...there haven't been too many...if any...promises he's made to me that he's kept. Yet, I love the man. I must be fucking insane.

Today I was unable to get out and go for a run. I have been itching to get out and break the cycle. It seems if I"m able to get out alone for even half an hour and exercise, it will motivate me to do better and stay on track. Brad is on nights this weekend. Today he woke up and started moving a 2:45...he leaves for work at 3:45. Did not exactly leave me any time to do anything I wanted to get down, even something as simple as shower. So that means, I've had no help with the kids at all this weekend, I am going stir crazy and feeling really down on myself. All I am is a Mommy. Why should I care what I look like? After all, who am I trying to impress especially since I never leave the house. Hmmm...maybe that's it. Maybe he's doing this if even subconsciously, so I don't lose weight, go out have fun, find someone new...blah blah blah. I would suspect that is the case and why all the sabotage, if I wasn't smoking hot before I had kids and he's used to a super hot wife. LOL!
I'm just in a "poor me", self deprecating mood. Pardon my pity party. It just seems like such a long hard struggle. I'm impatient. I want me back now. I honestly don't feel like me right now. I do feel like just a Mother (which isn't an entirely bad thing) but I do miss Kim. I miss me. I miss my clothes. I hate this gut. I hate the way my gut hangs. I hate myself for allowing myself to get this way again...after doing so well my entire pregnancy, and then Piper was late, and I was so uncomfortable, I couldn't chase after James, I could only sit and wait...and eat.........and actually right now...I'd kill for a bag of ketchup chips and a beer.

K

Well that didn't last long - I FOUND IT!

2011-10-28T21:52:00.000-04:00

It was here last week. Has anyone seen it? If so, please return my motivation back to me, please. Why can I not stay on track for more than a week at a time? I have not gone out for a run at all since last week. Didn't yesterday because I was tired and still really sore from class. Today, I just wasn't feeling it. I can come up with every excuse in the book. I dread thinking what will happen come Monday. Halloween. Candy. It will be the ultimate challenge and test to my actual commitment to losing this weight.

I often wonder if I am still committed or if I've become placated to my new "Mom" body. Look, I"m under no false pretensions thinking my body will go back exactly the way it was before. I have already mourned and thrown a wake for my former breasts. They were fabulous previously. Now? Now they closely resemble deflated milk bags. Odd, especially since I didn't breast feed either of my children. These stretch marks are my war wounds which I will wear proudly for the rest of my life. My nipples oh my nipples...um...let us say not the small little cute pink nipples I once had (you are most welcome for that mental image!). And my belly button. Oh! For alas, my belly button. No more ring in it for you. Time to grow up. I may be growing up and getting older and more mature, but I will fight it tooth and nail the entire way to the grave. Which, would explain why at 32 years of age I finally said fuck it and got the tattoo of my necklace that I always wanted.

Maybe it is the change of the weather. Maybe I'm getting my period. Maybe I'm a little sad because my sweet little baby boy turned 3 last week. Who knows the cause. Who knows the reason. I'll get back on the wagon and start this vicious cycle all over again.

Until then, someone pass the chicken wings!

K

BAH! SHIT!

2011-10-28T21:51:00.002-04:00

I just lost a blog that I was working on!
It was pretty deep. I rambled some about how I've lost my motivation this past week, starting the cycle again. Pondered if I've accepted my new "Mom" body...blah blah blah...pass the bag of chips...blah blah blah. But I am tired and can't be bothered to rewrite it again.

So...good night. DAMMIT!

OUCHIE!

2011-10-27T20:40:00.000-04:00

Bootcamp killed my glutes yesterday! Stupid bridges. Little sore today. Didn't go for a run today. Was busy making Halloween cookies for James to decorate and made my killer vegetable lasagna. Cottage cheese, spinach, zucchini, green and red peppers and mushrooms. Healthy, tastes good, a bitch to make, and James wouldn't even try it. Arugh! I keep trying new recipes try to incorporate vegetables and he is such a picky eater, I don't know why I even bother cooking. Oh well. Brad and I enjoyed it. I made two. One to eat now and one to freeze. Handy for when he's on nights.

Today's confession is an interesting one. I caved. I was so busy in the kitchen and when I'm cooking and banking there used to be nothing that I loved more than I frosty Diet Coke. So without thinking, I opened one. I had two sips and couldn't finish it. I just didn't like the taste. Gave it to Brad to finish. Honestly, it did not taste good. Huh. I amazed myself even.

Nothing else going on. Off to get my jammies on! Night all.

K

The Results Blog

2011-10-26T20:52:00.000-04:00

Drum roll please! I stayed exactly the same. Exactly. To the ounce. 194.8. Again. As determined as I am, I really don't think I can reach 20 pounds by December 21. As of right now, I am only 2.8 into that goal. I know that kind of thinking isn't going to help me out in the least. There is a lot to be said about the power of positive thinking. I know if I follow the Weight Watchers program to a "T" it is possible. However at the best of times I struggle being good. This week, while I did step up the activity level a LOT, there were some incidents that could have been avoided. Like the fry wagon (that I didn't blog about) on Saturday, the pumpkin pie cheese cake, 5 point cookie, banana bread. I aim to do better. I would like to lose at least a pound next week. Determination and stubborness will be my guide.

Tomorrow James and I will be decorating Halloween cookies. I love to bake. I love to try new recipes especially when it comes to baking...it is dangerous to have it around the house though. I know I can have anything in moderation, it is the moderation I'm still working on. As my daily points allowance gets less as I lose weight, there will be less room for these types of indulences so I might as well try and cut them out now. Thankfully the program has changed so that most fruits and vegetables are 0 points, so when hungry it really helps to have an apple or banana or carrots or brocolli. Smart thinking Weight Watchers! No one ever got fat eating salad!

Nothing new on the Mommy front. James is almost completly potty trained. He can go all through the night without any accidents. We're accident free for almost 2 weeks...peepee wise anyway. Poop is a whole 'nother story completely. Ugh. So far, the worst thing I've had to do (other than spork James' diaper for a poop sample) has been to clean out poopy underwear. I actually just threw out a pair entirely rather than have to figure how to get it out of a pair. It'll take some time. We'll be trying the sticker chart / reward system. People on facebook all seem to be in agreement this is the way to go. So we'll give it a try. At this point, I'll try anything!

K

The Best Intentions...

2011-10-24T21:57:00.000-04:00

I have a plan. Usually I am horrible at making them. I hate trying to think that much in advance. That usually means, when I don't have a dinner plan, we end up eating easy to prepare packaged food. Something I want to try to get away from. While I'm currently on maternity leave, it is easier for me to prepare an actual meal. Yesterday we got groceries and we purchased a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I had an idea of things I wanted to make this week:

Eggplant Parmesan
Stuffed Green Peppers
Homemade Spinach Lasagna
Chili

All four utilize the vegetables we just bought. I don't mind cooking. I like to create...when following a recipe. I find it hard to keep the fresh ingredients in the house between grocery days though. I often get frustrated when I want to make something and I don't have what I need on hand. The first week after we go for food is easy, it is the second week that is the hardest. We're not the type of family that will go out everyday to pick up what is required for dinner that night. We're on a food budget and extra trips to the store will put us over. I dread thinking what is going to happen when I get back to work...again, lest us not dwell on unpleasantness.

Tonight we had the Eggplant Parmesan. Unfortunately we didn't have whole wheat pasta. So we made due with regular. James didn't eat the actual eggplant part...just the noodles. I managed to get in my servings of vegetables/fruit and milk today...and have had plenty of water. Still no Diet Coke. Almost a week has gone by without.

I'd also like to thank those of you who have taken the time to comment or send me a private message of encouragement. It means a lot to me knowing that people have taken an interest in my story. Weight has always been an issue in my life, a constant struggle and it is nice to know I am not alone and I have my cheer team standing behind me. And if I can help just one other person relate to what I am going through so they know they are not alone, I have done a good job.

K

Monday, October 24, 2011Morning

1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3

Midday
1 serving(s) Meal Time Whole Wheat Bread 4
Deli Meat - Quick-added food 2
1 serving(s) strawberry banana juice 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) poppy seed dressing 1
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Subtotal 13

Evening
1 cup(s) cooked spaghetti 5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1/2 piece(s) pumpkin pie, prepared from recipe 4
1 Eggplant Parmigiana 3
Subtotal 15

Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0

Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Foo PointsPlus values remaining 0

Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned 0

....just don't bend over...

2011-10-23T20:49:00.000-04:00

My closet is a virtual mall just for pants. I have sizes currently in there ranging from 14 down to 8. At one point I even had a pair of 18s and 16s from before I lost the weight from James. Sometimes it feels like I will never be able to wear some of my dress pants that are 8s, so when I am able to fit into a smaller size than I had been wearing, it feels like a small victory. Today, I was able to fit into a straight leg 12 (a "sweetheart" style jean from Old Navy). These were jeans that only 2 weeks ago, I was unable to get up past my thighs and over my butt. I attribute it to the Boot Camp classes I have been attending. I may have just attended only my third class, but it is working already! It isn't just the class alone either. It is the motivation that comes along with it. Money is really tight right now. So shelling out $155 for a fitness class was a big commitment. For that kind of money I'm not going to miss a class or not try my hardest while I am there sweating away (except when it comes to push ups. I cannot do a push up if my life depended on it). Taking this class also proved to me that I don't have to wait until I'm back down to a size 8 to start running again. I surprised myself on the very first class when I was bursting with energy and was able to run around the gym...pushing a stroller with a 15 pound baby and a 40 pound 3 year old no less. The very next day, I got my butt of the couch and went out for a jog and it felt AMAZING. So good that I ended that run with a flight of stairs down and up the escarpment. I even got the motivation to give up my diet coke. I am aspartame free for 6 days now and while I almost caved a little today, have not given in to the temptation. I am so glad I joined and look forward to seeing what else I can achieve that I never thought I would or could!

This weekend was a bust for any activity. Brad was off so it was a weekend to spend some quality family time. Got caught up on a lot of household chores. Still am doing laundry. Had planned on going for a run today but ran out of time after cleaning the main floor of the house. I don't feel comfortable going after dark. Brad is on days Monday and Tuesday, so looks like I won't be going until Wednesday. Ugh.

Night all!

K

It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution - Oscar Wilde

2011-10-21T22:14:00.000-04:00

The topic of today's discussion boys and girls is "guilt". There isn't a day in my life that I don't regret something I said or did. Hell...I am still embarrassed for actions from when I was 5!

What makes a good Mommy? What makes a good person? What makes a good wife? Sometimes what makes a person "good" in one category, makes them a poopy person in another. Motherhood the first time around came with guilt. The second time around? Forget it! If I were catholic, I'd probably never leave the confessional. Thank the powers that be, the only power I bow down to is myself. Because a) I am always right b) I am never wrong and c) I am all knowing and all powerful and let us not forget d) modest.

I feel guilt when I clean my house, leaving James to play quietly by himself in the basement or playing on the computer. I feel guilt when I am making dinner or doing the dishes after dinner, leaving James in the living room watching tv (I hear the collective gasps from the super moms out there...allowing a 3 year old to watch tv! The shame!) I feel guilt when I don't clean my house and instead opt to play with James building a ramp and raceway for his cars. The house isn't as clean as it once was. I try to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. Vacuum every other day or so. Screw washing the dust or the food off the walls in the kitchen. Or removing the layer of dust...no...at this point, the layer of fuzz off the ceiling fans. Honestly, who looks up anyway? I feel guilt when making a dinner of fish sticks and french fries or chicken nuggets when Brad is on nights. I feel guilt when Piper sleeps too much. I feel guilt when she when we go out (to my exercise class or the library) and she misses a nap. I could go on and on and on...

And of course, right now the ultimate guilt of trying to find the time to better myself by taking an hour or so to exercise. I know as a Mommy your have to sacrifice certain things. Like your identity. I no longer have an actual name. I shall be referred to from here on out as Mommy...until I get back to work...then it is usually..."that bitch". I missed out on playing softball this season because the games were scheduled too late at night. Brad still got to play. I don't get to listen to my music anymore. I do know all the words to all of the Wiggles songs and the Little People cds. I'm up on all the PBS kids shows and Sesame Street gossip. I'm trying to convince myself that a happy Mommy = happy kids. If I feel better about myself, I'll feel better about my capacity for being a Mother. While I'm no where close to perfect (yes, I admitted it...don't tell anyone) I'm not the worst out there either. I'm a fairly average, run of the mill, normal kind of girl.

Today didn't do any exercise. Planned on doing the MoM challenge, but didn't get around to it. I had a large Pumpkin Spice Skinny latte, a slice of pumpkin cheese cake and a Halloween cookie. Lesson learned. After a week of healthier living and avoiding that sort of thing, I feel yucky...and guilty.

Also, day four of an aspartame existence. It is easier now that Weight Watchers has removed the calorie factor from their point calculations. I no longer an attempting to find the lowest calorie value foods, which often means it is label "diet" and includes aspartame. I don't even miss my diet coke today. Huh.

K

They Keep on Calling Me...

2011-10-20T21:10:00.001-04:00

Shhhh....do you hear that? There it is again. No. It isn't the kids. They are both sound asleep in their beds. Nope. Not Brad either. He's on nights tonight and I'm pretty sure the cats haven't learned to say my name yet.

Just as I suspected. The banana cranberry loaf I baked yesterday has teamed up with the case of Diet Coke and they are singing their siren song to me. Trying to lure me in with promises of sweet nothings. Yes. Keep telling my self that. They are nothing but sweet nothings. I think day three of going Diet Coke (or diet anything for that matter) has made me delirious. They say aspartame is addictive and I'd have to agree. We're starting off easy. Kicking the Diet Cola habit...which will hopefully lead into kicking the caffeine addiction all together. It'll be a sad departing, but one long over due. I really don't like the taste of coffee. Nor do I like the lingering coffee breath. I do love the smell of it. Reminds me of my Grandma...who always had a pot brewing in the morning. Hmmm...somethings are worth it. As for the banana bread I baked? I love to bake...so shoot me. I have not yet succumb to devouring either. Teeth are brushed and bottle of water is in front of me. This will have to do.

This week has been about getting more active. Tuesday went for a training jog session. I can't really call it a run or an actual jog for that matter. The first three days involves a 5 minute walking warm up followed by 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking intervals for 20 minutes, ending with another 5 minutes of walking to cool down. This first day I was so filled with energy and it was such a beautiful fall day that I ended walking for a half hour additional and did 1/2 the Wentworth Stairs!

Yesterday was boot camp day. Aside from the fact that I am extremely shy in those kind of settings and do not know anyone in the class, I have been enjoying the variation to the workout and routine. I am just so afraid of holding someone else back or hurting someone (especially when it comes to the sparring!). I have been feeling awkward when we have to get into partners since I don't know anyone else and everyone has a friend...feels a little like elementary school all over again...especially when I have to pair up with Trina (the Instructor). She's really sweet though...at least when I'm partnered up with her, I am able to get the moves correctly since she's right there to correct me.
Today, regardless of the body aches (shins and legs from Tuesday and oddly arms from Wednesday) and the crappy weather, I got out and did another "run" this afternoon. This time it feels less like exercise and more like time alone by my self without constantly being asked why mommy why? That's good right?

So I have proved to myself even with Brad on nights, I can still find the time to make a date with myself. What happens when I go back to work? Let's us not dwell on unpleasantness shall we? Let us focus on the now and enjoy every single moment I have to spend with James and Piper because this opportunity will never present itself again.

A thought has occurred to me dear reader. I used to get so angry at my Mother and my brother for reading my diary as a teenager. That thing held my most personal thoughts, hopes, wishes and even fantasies. And now here I am. Laying it all out for you and inviting you into my diary. After all what good is a diary if it isn't for anyone to see?

Till tomorrow...a day to let the body rest.

K

3rd Time Charmed?

2011-10-19T21:43:00.002-04:00

Where to begin? How about at the end? I vow to lose 20 pounds by December 21st, 2011. I started this personal challenge 2 weeks ago and have lost 2.8 pounds so far.

Why am I starting all over again? I gained some weight. Er...72 pounds more to be exact...but, who is counting right?

In all fairness, I did have another baby. Piper Rose was born on May 12, 2011 and is beautiful and sweet and full of joy and smiles and is the light in the rocky chaos that has become my life. As is my 3 year old son James. They are the reason I live and get up each an every morning...and the reason I drink half a pot of coffee.

You see, a week before I gave birth (to an overdue Piper) Brad (the hubby) got a new job. The job is wonderful. It is everything he ever wanted and everything this family needed. The problem with it? 12 hour rotating shifts. It has been quite the adjustment for our young family. I have learned to be more independent and organized and gain more confident in myself and child rearing capabilities. The job is for considerably more money than his previous place of employment, with more perks than I can possibly mention...and even though it almost killed this marriage, I think it will in the end, be what saves it.

I found myself very angry with the world, with my house, my life, my self and everyone in it for the first four months of Piper's existence. While she wasn't exactly planned, she wasn't an accident either. I wasn't certain I could possible have enough love in my heart for two children. James is my little boy. I loved him with all my heart and I didn't want anyone, or anything to come in between us. She didn't. If anything, she made my heart open up and grow bigger. It is a different kind of love. My life was complete. So...why so angry? I think, no, I know...it was and continues to be postpartum depression. I had battled bouts of depression previously in my teendomhood so I recognized the feelings of hopeless and helpless. When my thoughts turned to suicide, I really scarred myself and made sure to share my feelings with my family doctor. Thankfully, thoughts of having my little boy find me and try to "wake Mommy" up, kept me alive and I was able to share my thoughts of that day with my doctor, and here I find myself mediated and will soon be going for counselling.

Today, I am doing much better. Now that I have my feelings and hormones under control, it is time to focus on me. In the early months, I would go days without showering or brushing my teeth, things I hid from the world and those closest to me. I have just recently started my 5k training program again and have signed up for a Baby and Me Boot Camp. Trying to be a good girl with my Weight Watchers program (which after 10 years of being on program, I am actually finding it hard to stick with) and am making sure to get out with the kidlets once a week to the library.

While the issues that caused my hatred and anger are still present and unresolved, I am able to possibly forgive and forget and maybe will one day soon be able to discuss those issues with the person (not naming any names *coughbradcough* who caused the emotions. I am also realizing that I can take some time for myself once in a while and still be a good Mommy. Just finding the time to do it will be the challenge.

Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my blog and lay it all out for you, my reader. I will be completely and brutally honest with you and myself...starting with this...My weight is currently 194.8 again after coming within 15 pounds of my goal weight after James. I am taking it little bits at a time. I am attempting to lose 20 by December 21, 2011.

To date I have lost 41.2....only 15.2 of it since starting Weight Watchers. I'm going it alone online this time without the benefits of the meetings due to Brad's shift work. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.

I'M BACK!

2010-02-12T10:30:00.002-05:00

Trying to find time for life, let alone blogging has been quite the challenge lately. If it isn't one thing it is another. I don't know what I was expecting life would be like once I got back to work but this certainly wasn't it. I've always been a selfish person and I value my private, alone time and am protective of it. Those of you who have kids, are laughing right now. Welcome to my reality check.

I think my inability to lose weight right now is me rebelling against myself. My weight hasn't changed since July. Sure I have weeks of losses and weeks of gains. I'm holding fast and steady right between 172-174. Playing with the same 2 pounds. It is rather frusturating. Even more so because I know what I am doing wrong. I'll be perfect with Weight Watchers Monday to Friday. As soon as the weekend comes, my old mentality of I can eat what ever I want (which used to be the case) comes back and I ruin all my hard work of the past week in two quick little days. I'm really good at maintaining apparently. It has been quite the while since I've actually had to lose weight.

I'm hoping getting back into blogging and journalling daily will help. Right now I'm focusing on getting back into a gym routine. Even there I'm sabatoging myself. I keep saying my 25 minutes a day at the gym isn't worth it because really...what is 25 minutes of fat burning cardio anyway? I miss walking to work. That was an automatic 2 extra points a day right there...and kept my problem areas of butt and thighs in respectable shape.

I've got to do this for me. How though when I'm the last person on my mind?

Today's menu looks something a little like this:

Breakfast
1c Cheerios
Breakfast Pita
Black Coffee

Snack
Fiber One Bar

Lunch
Healthy Request Chicken and Rice Soup Bowl
Yogurt
Diet Coke

Dinner
Sheppard's Pie (with celery and peas and carrots)

I know, where's the fresh food? Where's the fruit and vegetable servings? You'd think because I'm so concerned with what James' is eating it would make my job at Weight Watchers easier because that's how we all should be eating right? Wrong. I don't know how to cook. I never know what to make. I start the week with the best intentions of making a meal plan for the week...I'll sit with my cook books, say "can't make that, don't have that..." get frusturated and give up.

Anyone know of a good professional organizer?

Week 3 - back at work

2009-11-13T12:22:00.002-05:00

Only made it to the gym twice this week unfortunately. Well...three times if you include my aerobics class on Monday. I was ready and more than willing to go today on my lunch, however I forgot my pass card. No card. No go.

My aerobics class has a new instructor, whom I dislike right now. I can't hold it against her, she's just not what I'm used to. In all honestly, she's probably exactly what my aerobic routine needs, a little shake up. She moves at a quicker pace than the class is normally used to. It'll be a push to try and keep up with her. It will mean I'll be back to tripping over my feet again, but hey, that just makes it all the more fun.

I'm getting frustrated with myself on my lunch hour work outs. It seems to me that I was able to accomplish more before. I'm not a patient person. I realize realistically I'm not in the same cardiovascular shape I was before I was pregnant and shouldn't expect to be right back were I was before all this. I know this...I just don't want to accept it. I expect the best from myself at all times and if I can't give my best I get annoyed. Maybe changing my thinking is in order. I'm doing the best I can...for now. It'll come. Just like with my job. It is all slowly coming back to me...all good things come to those who wait. I'm just not helping matters forgetting my card!!!

I'm really missing my walk in the morning. I believe that was a huge factor in my staying in shape. It also means that instead of 70-80 minutes of activity a day, I now only get 20-30. Instead of a basically automatic 2 activity points a day with the walk, and my time at the gym for a total of 4 a day, I'll only get 2. Walking was a great way to keep my butt, thighs and calves in shape. I mourn my morning walks.

At the Weight Watchers meeting on my lunch hour on Wednesday, I was a little discouraged. I knew what the results would be before I weighed in. I did lose. I only lost 0.4 however. I have got to get my weekends under control is I have any hope of losing this weight. Otherwise, I'll just be maintaining and I will not be happy with myself if that scale doesn't move.

I'd like to think this week is going well food wise. I've kept up my journal, even recorded the slip ups (there was a run-in with some Dill Pickle popcorn from Kernels Wednesday night when Brad had to unexpectedly leave the house and I had some points left over...). Last night there was a celebratory dinner at a buffet restaurant (I hate hate hate buffets, as should any self-respecting Weight Watchers member). I think I did well there. Had the soup and salad. Had only small portions of the three things I love (most of the time I can take or leave Chinese food) but blew it with three of those tasty tasty honey twist cookies. But, I recorded it all and tried to estimate my points as accurately as I could.

The weekend looms ahead of me. I have the determination this week to do better and hope for better results on Wednesday.

Till then....

K

No Rest yadda yadda yadda

2009-11-09T12:25:00.002-05:00

I think I've got my poop together...er...now I just have to work on the language issue. This past summer the only time I was able to have adult conversations without little ears around was on the baseball bench...so now I'm swearing like a sailor...tee hee!

Last week I managed to go to the gym three times. Wednesday I didn't go because I attended a Weight Watchers meeting instead. Friday I didn't go because I went shopping instead. Decided I needed to buy some new clothes in a size that will fit me now. I'm not too devastated by doing that though. The tops I bought are medium (same as always) and the pants are an 11 (a little big actually but they didn't have a 10). Not too far away from my previous seemingly impossible to achieve 8's. I'm a happy girl!

Eating is coming easier too being away from home. I can only eat what I bring to work with me. I've started eating frozen entrees (yes Pam, I know...sodium!) for lunch since they are portion controlled and easy to figure out point values. Still need to work on dinners. It isn't so much what we are eating as me controlling the portion sizes, so nothing has changed there.

Today is Monday...this past weekend didn't go so well. We ate out (or ordered delivery) three times. I didn't order a side salad instead of fries at Swiss Chalet Friday night. McDonald's for lunch on Saturday I did have a Thai Chicken Salad (okay, not bad...grilled chicken 7 points) and well...we won't discuss the pizza, garlic bread and wings Sunday night. I have no will power. NONE! AUGH! On going struggle in that regard. Working on it. Weekends are a whole different animal now that I am back at work. I worked like a fiend on the housework Saturday. Sunday we did some running around that needed done that we couldn't do during the week. Hopefully as we figure out a routine there will be less eating out and more cooking.

I didn't get to the gym today on my lunch (obvious since I'm sitting here writing this now). Got half way there and realized I forgot my gym card...so I will be going Tuesday, Thursday and Friday this week. Besides, I have aerobics tonight and Zumba Wednesday...all bases are covered.

Weigh in is in two days. Hopefully I'll still be able to lose considering I've at the very least upped my activity....if not, I'll know why and hopefully that'll be the kick in the ass I need on weekends.

A Whole New World

2009-11-05T08:01:00.002-05:00

The day came. There was nothing I could do about it. I have now been back at work for a whole week as of yesterday. I am getting frustrated that it all isn't coming back to me right away. It bothers me that I forget how to do things and am making mistakes on things I thought I remembered how to do and then have to find out, I should have asked for help after all. The woman who covered for me did an amazing job. I have no complaints. Most of my frustrations is just not in knowing the back stories and where things are. Simple things. Hopefully as the days go on, I'll get good at my job again...managing the phone calls, in-person visits and the e-mails along with the paper work. There is a fine art to juggling your time management and it is something I haven't had to do in a while.

The hard work starts now. I've joined the at work Weight Watchers meeting. I'll be honest. I haven't been to a meeting since October 3rd. As soon as October hit, depression and the realization of going back to work hit me hard. I couldn't care less about how I looked or what I was eating. I didn't want to get up early on Saturday for an 8:00 meeting. At work, I can go on my lunch hour and remain accountable. I'm excited about it! Yesterday was my first meeting and I'm happy to say that even though I haven't followed the program or really made the best food choices in a month, I'd only gained 1.8.

I've been back to the gym twice. I gave myself the first four days back off from the gym. Didn't want to pile it all back into my life all at once. I started back this past Monday. 15 minutes elliptical and 10 minutes on the stationary bike. Wasn't bad. In fact, I think I could have done more had time allowed. Hopefully 25 minutes a day will be enough. I used to walk to work (which I'm really missing) and walking was a great way to keep the backside and hips in shape.

OH! Speaking of hips...I've lost an inch off of 'em! 39" now! I credit that to Zumba. I feel silly and can't bring myself to stand in front of the full length mirror during class...but I go. And it apparently works...and quickly! Who knew moving your hips and dancing with out the help of a security beer would actually help to lose weight?

27 Days

2009-10-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

The count down is on. And after a long break from blogging and obsessing over my weight. I'm back on the wagon. It was a long run. Since my last blog I've only lost 2 pounds. I'm okay with that. It was a long summer and fall is now here. It is almost time for me to go back to work.

I'm looking forward to my return to work for some reasons. First and foremost, the opportunity to use my brain again. Having a more structured day. Not as easily accessable to the kitchen. Being able to get back to the gym during my lunch hours and of course, adult interaction. I am not looking forward to leaving the new life I have carved out for my little family. Seeing James grow up has been the best thing to date in my life. I will miss being able to hug him and kiss him all day long. I'll miss playing with him and seeing him smile and hearing him laugh. I know he'll be in good hands at my parents' house and he loves his grandparents to bits. Even though they are my parents it is still like handing him over to someone else to raise. This part of being a working parent sucks. And I've hidden from the world because of it. Not answering my e-mails. Not wanting to leave the house other than with my family. I'll get over it. I just take some time to adjust to change. Who knows. I may enjoy my newer new life just as much if not more.

Developments on the weight loss side? I'm able to wear a pair of my pre-pregnancy dress pants (still a little tight around the butt and thigh area...always been the "problem zone") and have two pairs of pre-pregnacy casual pants (a pair of cords and a pair of jeans) that get easier and more comfortable to wear each week...both a size 9. That's exciting.

Haven't been exercising this summer much at all. Aerobics ended way back in June or July...and do not start again until mid October. Last night however was my first Zumba class and OH MY GOD! What fun! I have no rhythm and these hips don't talk much but it is worth it. Can't wait to do it again. Zumba may be the latest "fab" but this is one fad I can get on to!

I've been going to Weight Watchers meetings every Saturday morning. These last 25 pounds are going to be a bitch...but should be a heck of a lot easier once I'm back to work.

Week 23 - Reality Check

2009-08-06T10:32:00.004-04:00

Another successful day on program. I actually used my scale to measure and check the point value of the pork chop that I had for dinner. Turns out it was a good thing I did. Darn thing was 8 points...AFTER I took about an ounce off to give to James. My husband is a meat man. He loves his meat. The bigger the slab, the better. Don't get me wrong. I love myself the occasional pork butt (not too keen on the red meat thing) however, it is time to get real about portion size. Normally I would have given the chop a point value of 5 and not think twice about it. Just goes to show you the importance of actually stopping to measure and weigh what it is you are eating. Goes along with the whole lying to yourself thing. You can only lie for so long then be confused and fusturated as to why the weight isn't coming off. Reality check time for me.

On that quick note James is stirring. I think we'll go for a walk. It is a beautiful day...plus baseball night! Pray once again to the baseball gods I don't get hit in the face.

1c Shreddies 3
1/2c Blueberries
Black Coffee (x3 or 6) 0
1c Fresh Cherries 1

1 slice Weight Watchers recipe Banana Bread 2

2 slices Whole Wheat Bread 2
3 slices Turkey Deli Meat 2
1 slice Kraft FF single 1
Mustard 0
2 Silhouette Yogurts 1.5
24oz Crystal Light

Pork Chop 8
1c Frozen Peas and Carrots (BLUCH) 0
1 Smile Fry 1
Diet Pepsi Max 0

Week 23 - Combating Laziness

2009-08-05T14:09:00.002-04:00

Had an "A-HA" moment yesterday. Tracking points isn't hard. It just takes a teeny tiny bit of effort and planning on my part. I think I was expecting whatever I was eating to just keep track of itself and at the end of the day everything would magically adjust to fit within my daily point range. News Flash there Kim. It doesn't.

I have to be the one and only one to be accountable for myself. Sure I can lie to myself about portion sizes but the scale is a lie detector test. It won't lie for me. Yesterday I managed to stay within my points. There was a minor incident with some ice cream. I said no to a bowl full then ended up in the kitchen while Brad with in the shower with a spoon and peanut butter chocolate ice cream melting on my tongue.

Another realization is no one is perfect. In my head I picture everyone as perfect. I picture everyone better than me. A group of friends e-mail each other to keep each other in check. We had all gotten off track and the e-mails stopped for a while and they've just recently started up again. I need them to see that I am not the only one who has some slips here and there. Those slips do not mean the rest of my week is screwed. It means the next day I start over again. I need to see that. I hate feeling like everyone is better at this than me. We're all in this together. Once I realize this isn't a race and there is no prize at the end other than a longer, healthier lifestyle...I'll be alright.

This morning I baked banana loaf. It was a Weight Watchers recipe which means to the normal person it is going to taste like poop. To me it is a reasonable facsimile. Now the trick is to only have one PORTION SIZED piece a day. Then again...2 points per PORTION SIZED slice isn't bad. Wish me luck! I love baking...I just HATE HATE HATE having it in the house. Ask me about my chocolate chip mint cookies. I ended up bribing an umpire with some of those!

Yesterday:

3/4c Life Cereal 2
1/2 Banana 2
Black Coffee 0

1c Fresh Cherries 1

2 slices Whole Wheat Bread 2
3 slices Deli Turkey Breast meat 2
1oz Havarti cheese 3
2 Silhouette Yogurts 1.5
24oz Crystal Light 0

3oz Boneless skinless chicken breast 4
1c Roasted Potato 3
Frozen Broccoli Cauliflower mix 0
1c 1% Milk 2

Used 23.5

Week 20 - Eff Me Sideways Again

2009-08-04T14:09:00.002-04:00

I'm a colourful swearer...what can I say?

After having not been to a meeting or officially weighing in for two weeks, I did both this past Saturday. I lost. I lost 0.6. Total officially gone with Weight Watchers 20 pounds even. Officially since October 11, 2008 63.8 pounds. New official "end date" is October 11th, 2008. I'd better have 85 pounds lost by then so all I have to deal with is saggy, flabby skin at the gym. 24.2 left to go.

I started off Saturday with a renewed vigor. Excited to once again be back on track. That resolve ended roughly 6 hours later. I just don't know why I can't wrap my head around this. I'm not taking it seriously at all. I'm sick of it all really. I've been doing this for 8 years. It should be second nature to me. Before the baby it really was a way of life for me. Most days I didn't even have to write things down. I just knew what I should or shouldn't eat and how much. It was common sense. Now I can't be bothered. I'm not even eating things that I did before I joined back in 2001. I'm not eating a bag of chips, chocolate bars like water. But I do indulge in things I shouldn't maybe more than once a week. Eating out is big. Even when we don't have food in the house I manage to over eat and find something.

I'm trying for will power and trying not to make this a competition. I'm a little depressed for what I did to myself. I kept saying for 9 months I'll deal with this weight after the baby comes. I just honestly thought it would be easier than this. I really did. I thought I'd fall right back into Weight Watchers. If only I could get into my head and figure it out...I'd sell the secret. I'd be freaking rich. For now. I vow and PROMISE myself I will stay with in 23 points each and EVERY day for the rest of this week. And when I promise myself something...I keep it.

I PROMISE.

Week um.....

2009-07-31T10:05:00.002-04:00

To make my life easier...let's go with whatever week I'm in officiall with Weight Watchers and since I'm too lazy to look that up right now...I don't give a poop.

Let's see what is new this week? Trying to get back on track. After my last blog I got a really encouraging message on facebook from one of my professors from college. I now work in the same college by a turn of the fates. I saw my return to work there as one of my biggest failures in my life. I graduated from a program, lasted two years in the advertising industry and came running back home. It was there that I got one of the best compliments from one of my newspaper sales reps. She told me I was "too sweet" to make it but insisted on giving me a letter of reference. For the longest time I saw my new career as a failure. Now thanks to your message Cathy, I am able to see it for what it is; one of my biggests successes of my life. I am happy in my job. I love working at the college. It had been a part of my life for going on 25 years (my father worked there too) and I am happy to be giving back in some small way. I'm trying to be more easy going, giving into chaos. Who cares if things aren't as I planned (even though I am anal to the point of OCD...I even make phone scripts for some calls)...I'll get to where I want and be happy...eventually. Sometimes you forget that. I will get back to the gym and maybe I won't look like I once did but I'll be happy.

Had only one day of "oopsy" this week. Went out for lunch with Mom and even though we went to Swiss Chalet and I ordered the chicken on a kaiser and salad, said no to dessert....later in the day I allowed my Mom to buy me a chocolate bar. In my defence...do you know how long it has been since I've had a Wunderbar?!? I said no later to an iced coffee. Baby steps.

Speaking of baby steps. Getting my exercise in chasing James everywhere. He's walking around the perimiter of rooms. He's crawling across them and giving me heart attacks everywhere we go. I'm in trouble in the future I think. What does it mean when you say "No-no James" and in return you get a look over the shoulder with a grin? Oh crap.

Here's yesterday's journal. I may have missed some BLT's (bites, licks and tastes of James's snacks) here and there working on dropping those out of my daily eating.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Thursday, July 30, 2009

Morning
1 serving(s) Shreddies 3
1 cup(s) fresh blueberries 1
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 4

Midday
2 cup(s) green cabbage 0
2 tbsp Kraft Free Coleslaw Dressing - Quick-added food 1
Subtotal 1

Evening
2 slices Dr. Okter Spinach Thin Crust Pizza - Quick-added food 10
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 10

Anytime
2 serving(s) Silhouette 0+_Yogurt 1.5
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
2 tbsp reduced-fat peanut butter 4.5
2 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1.5
Subtotal 9.5

Food POINTS values total used 24.5

Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
90 min softball 5

Week 23 - Giving up?

2009-07-24T10:35:00.003-04:00

I have no motivation. I am bloated this week by three pounds. Scale at home is showing my weight at 177. Not fun. I am trying not to let it get me down but of course it is. I am convinced I am destined to have a "Mom Body" the rest of my life and will be relegated to "Mom Jeans" with the nice pouch in the front and the junk in the trunk. Well...okay, I like the junk in the trunk...but only when it stops doing jumping jacks within 15 seconds of me doing jumping jacks. Oh hell...who am I kidding?? I don't do jumping jacks!

I tried jumping jacks at aerobics on Monday and let us just say the bladder control isn't exactly up to par. Glad to share with you.

I'm trying to look within myself and determine if I have indeed given up. At least temporarily. I see my return to work in a few short months as another new beginning. The plan (HA! *) is to start right back up at the gym for three days a week on my lunch hour for the first month and then get back up to five days like I was before. I stopped going to the gym early on in my pregnancy unfortunately due to horrible morning sickness that lasted into my 6 month of being pregnant and by that time I was too fat to care.

* I say HA because so far any and all of my plans since becoming pregnant and having James haven't exactly panned out. The only thing I managed to do was continue to walk to work (for the most part) until I was 7 months. I planned on going to the gym throughout...didn't happen. I planned on walking daily with James while on Maternity leave. Clearly didn't happen. Why should this final plan go was I expect? And it is with THAT attitude I am setting myself up for failure.

Why is this so important to me? Why am I sabotaging myself when it is bringing me down and clearly the focus of my entire time off and sometimes gets in the way of enjoying my baby? Vanity. Selfishness. Conceitedness (is that a word?). At the risk of losing "friends" on Facebook (ha ha ha!) how do I word this? Facebook pushed me to work hard at my body before I got pregnant. In highschool I was a non-person. I honestly do not think people noticed me or knew who I was. I of course (like many girls 15-19) thought I was hideously overweight (looking back at pictures I wasn't). I wanted to at least maintain and tone my body so as each new friend I gained on Facebook from highschool would see me and think, damn, she looks good. It was for some reason important to me that I didn't have a Mom Body (at that point of course I didn't, I didn't have a child!) when so many of the others had (IMO...) "let themselves go". Now I am in that category. Then again, in college I was fat...which prompted me to join Weight Watchers in the first place. I was an odd kind of person in college. Didn't really want to be there. Wasn't allowed to go to the college or program I wanted and just sort of fell into where I was. My weight soared then too. When I am unhappy in my situation in life, I let things get away from me then I struggle back.

I am living vicariously through two year old pictures of me on my profile and online photo albums. I am living a lie on line. I'm like a creepy on line dater who posts pictures of models to pass off as myself. I could post current pictures...I just don't have any. I haven't allowed many pictures of me with James. So if any of my close friends do have some or of me while pregnant, please send them my way. I would like to see them...if only to know that I have come a long way and really don't have far to go...it is just this elephant skin on my midsection that is going to be a bitch to tame.

Vanity be thy name.

Here's James and I now...self portraits...no body shots ;)

Week 23 - Damned if you do...

2009-07-21T10:18:00.002-04:00

Riddle me this...

How is it that I can feel guilty that I haven't taken James out for as many walks as I intended yet when I do take him for a walk I feel guilty that he's spent that much time in the stroller?
That is time he could be playing and learning. I intentionally took him during his nap time thinking (like when he was little) he'd fall asleep on our walk. No dice. He was alert and looking all around. Talking and cooing. He finished off his juice (it was a heck of a lot hotter than I thought it was outside). We stopped at a park and played on the swings which, he loved. It was a nice long 90 minute walk. Good for us both I suppose. Now I just have to stop feeling guilty about every little thing I do with him!!

Part of my insecurity and stress comes with feeding him. And oddly, I think it has a lot to do with my self image and eating issues. I know that if I'm not careful, my weight will get way out of control. That is the reason I joined Weight Watchers the first time at 21. I saw my weight sky rocketing and I wanted to put a stop to it and reverse it before it got too bad. Even now. As lackadaisical (is that how you spell it?) as I am following the program, at least my weight isn't getting worse than it is. With that in mind and all the studies pointing to obese children, I do not want that for my son. I've got weight issues, his Father is a big man, I want James to be a happy, confident healthy little boy. Isn't that what all Mothers want for their babies? But...how do I do that? I'm still feeding James baby foods...we seem stuck at foods for 6 month olds. He won't eat the junior food. I've read somewhere that babies don't like tasting too many things at once and they are better off eating people food separately. I would like to move away from the baby food and jars (it is getting darn expensive) but Brad and I don't exactly eat the healthiest. To feed James properly and to lay good food and healthy foundations in him, Brad and I are going to have to change our lifestyle. I'm already trying to get away from processed food and too many carbs and foods out of boxes. This means I am at a loss when it comes to eating and feeding my baby.

It means I am going to have to plan meals in advance...have food (fresh foods) in the house and available to eat and cook with. I've never been very good at planning meals in advance. They recommend it for Weight Watchers and I know it'll help me to lose weight quicker...I just can't seem to get my head around it all. So instead of figuring out dinner and doing the right thing, I get frustrated, give up and we end up eating out of a box. ARUGH!

I have fed James a few things here and there. When he isn't napping, which usually falls around our dinner time, I give him what I think are "healthy" things for him to eat...homemade baked french fries, chicken, roast beef, vegetables.

It is a struggle and just one more thing I'm going to have to figure out for the health of my family, myself and most importantly my baby. This is when it matters most. Teaching him skills that he will use for the rest of his life and it scares me shitless.

Week 23 - Vacation from it all

2009-07-20T10:25:00.002-04:00

Didn't journal. Didn't exercise (other than aerobics last week). Didn't even attend a meeting this weekend. I'm faltering again.

Don't know how much of it is my sadness of the passing of time. James is growing and developing in leaps and bounds right now. As soon as he hit that 9 month mark last week, he's learning a lot of new things. He has 5 teeth and can sit up all on his own. Crawl like a fiend. He's so close to walking on his own it is scary. I just sit and watch him thinking how quickly the time goes. I'm afraid I've wasted my time and his time and I haven't taught him all I should. Silly I know. But as I get closer and closer to having to leave him, I get sadder and sadder and I just want to hold him (which of course he is NOT interested in. He wants to squirm and walk and play). He plays independently now for long stretches of time. He is still as happy as can be. Loves books and flipping through the pages. He'll crawl over to his books and pull them all out and look at each one for half an hour.

Door....SWEET! I just got invited to a "How Can You Survive The End of the World" convention. Unless there are Zombies involved...SO NOT interested in learning about Jehovah.

Where was I? Oh yes, speaking of Zombies, the nightmares I was plagued with just after James was born are back. Worse this time. This time the Zombies actually got me. I woke up just in time to avoid being eaten alive. I slept under the blankets for the rest of the night. It is ridiculous really. A grown 30 year old woman being terrified of her nightmares to the point where she is convinced the world has ended outside her window. The world was disturbingly quiet however. Quieter than it should have been at 4:30 in the morning. Usually I can begin to hear the birds at that time. Even with the sun up, my unease hasn't left me. I guess it is my sub-conscious mind again, beginning to mourn my new life that I have come to know and love. It will all be over as of October 27th. I am not looking forward to the juggling it is going to have to take to live my new-new life. I have no model to go by. No example to follow. My Mom stayed at home with the kids. I feel like I will be robbing James by going back to work. But sadly, there is no other option. Unfortunately raising children as I am learning makes you so unsure of yourself to the point of tears. Am I feeding him right, am I doing the right thing by not putting him in daycare and letting my parents watch him? Am I taking advantage of my parents in asking them to take on this huge responsibility?

I've got so much going on in life and in my head. So much that still needs to be done around the house. August is going to be crazy nuts busy. The mortgage will be renewed and our refinanced money will be in. We'll be getting a new desperately needed roof, new windows, digging out the driveway and patio in back. All hopefully done by the time I have to go back. So much happening that eating right and watching my points has taken a back seat.

This week all I can hope for is to start small. Journal everything. I've put away my 3 month Journal for a while and will be using the weekly paper journal. Easier to carry around and remember to track.

Last week was my official break from it all. We ate out a lot. There were pizza and wings. McDonald's twice (okay, okay, I DID have salad both times for only 7 points), Taco Bell, Kelseys' with my Mom. A busy week. This week is going to be busier since this weekend there is two family BBQs (on the same day), a wedding shower, I'm looking forward to having all my friends over for lunch tomorrow...everyone who is currently on Maternity Leave and lunch with a friend Friday. Busy week. Thank goodness no baseball this week. I don't need that mental game on top of it all. Wish me luck...and sweeter dreams.

Week 22 - SUCCESS!

2009-07-13T10:04:00.002-04:00

I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I REALLY REALLY DID IT!

I have a new key chain on my ring now. I've gotten rid of my old key chain with my goal and life time charms on it and replaced it with my BRAND NEW 10% Goal keyring. I'm so ecstatic! I finally got to 10% of my initial starting weight. I've now lost 19.4 pounds with Weight Watchers. 63 gone in total. 10% may not seem like a lot to people who haven't had the privilege of following the program. But for us in the cult of WWers...it means a lot.

I lost 1 pound last week after three weeks of chasing my first official goal with Weight Watchers. There was a horrible storm raging outside and just as I was about to be presented with my keyring, the power went out. As they finished with me, the power came back on. I was totally okay with that. The early Saturday morning meetings are full. Over 100 people on a good day. With the power off, the lights were out and no one could look at me. However, even in the dark the leader could tell I was getting emotional and even commented on it. How could I not? I had convinced myself that after a baby, that is the end of the body and weight you once had. I had enough people tell me that as well. To all of them I say, "Screw you...I'm doing it".

As I sit here writing this blog, waiting for James to wake up, I'm wearing one of my older size 7 skirts. I can't get too excited about it though. I probably shouldn't be. We are going to a memorial service today and I can't very well wear any of the clothes I have gotten over the past few months. They are all casual and I'd feel very disrespectful wearing them. So I've squeezed into a size 7 jean skirt...thank god for stretch fit and longer shirts. I can sit (comfortably!!!) in it so it'll do for now. I do feel a little bad for wearing denim to something like this...but have I mentioned...it is a 7?!?!?!?!

The weekend was all mine. Pizza and wings. A MooLatte from Dairy Queen. Pancakes for breakfast Sunday. Time to get back on the horse today and start journalling again.

Baseball is tomorrow. Haven't decided what I'm going to do yet as far as playing since I'm scared SHITLESS the more I think about it, the worse it gets. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Need to get over this fear or I'll never play again.

Aerobics tonight. Hopefully the ankle will be okay for bouncing and jumping around on it. Busy week ahead.

Week 22 - The Date

2009-07-10T09:58:00.002-04:00

October 27th. That is my day to count down to. Back to work. I have mix emotions about going back. I've grown accustomed to my current new life. Fairly routine. James is an easy going, happy-go-lucky baby. When I go back to work, life will become hectic and more stressful and busy. I'm not looking forward to the aspect of leaving my baby for the majority of the day.

I am looking forward to a more structured day. No pantry at my beck and call. No arrowroots handy and ready. I'm especially looking forward to getting back to the gym at lunch.

This week has gone okay. I've been tracking everything again. I may not be right within my daily point range but I am writing it all down. We've had two softball games this week. I only played one and a half. I got hit again at the Wednesday's game. Left leg, above my ankle. This time it throbs worse than the last time. I'm now scared poopless. I've mentioned before that I enjoy playing baseball. It is the only activity I do currently that makes me relax and feel like my old self again. When I'm playing, I'm not Brad's wife, I'm not James' Mommy. I'm just another player on the field. I enjoy pitching. I enjoy the stress and the pressure. All I have to do is concentrate on the ball hitting the board. I enjoy friendly banter with the other team's batters and joking with my own teammates. I love getting up to bat. I love the concentration it takes on hitting the ball and trying to out run the throw to first. I'm free when I play. Now I am terrified. I am happy to take a ball off the knee like the first time or the leg like this time. It stings at first, then throbs then the best part, turns purple and blue and brown and yellow. I'll proudly wear my bruises like badges. I'm not a girly-girl by any definition of the word. However...once I get hit on the leg, in my head, every other ball hit after that is coming straight for my head. I'm terrified of getting hit in the eye socket. Very specific I know. I was able to pitch a few innings after getting hit. Even take my turn at bat. By the second game of the double header Wednesday night, the anxiety had built up so big in my head that I finally broke down and cried. I can't not play. That isn't an option. However, where else can I play? Part of the problem was I had a massively bad headache before the game and all day before playing. I took migraine relief pills followed by an energy drink trying to get rid of the pain. My reflexes probably weren't what they should have been normally. It wasn't an especially fast line drive. I should have gotten the leather on it or been able to dodge it. Too slow pokey joe.

I got to get over my fears. As it is I'm going to get shin pads. What can I wear on my head that won't get in the way of fielding but will protect me in case my reflexes aren't there?

Tomorrow is weigh in. Wish me luck for that elusive 10%!

Week 22 (?) - Update Blog

2009-07-07T10:09:00.002-04:00

Where to begin?

Let us start with Saturday's weigh in. I lost 1.2 this week. But it doesn't count. Previous week I gained 1.0 so TECHNICALLY I lost 0.2 this week. This upcoming Saturday's weigh in will be week number 3 that I am hoping to achieve Weight Watcher's first main goal of reaching my 10%. I was only 0.8 away from getting a new key chain...this week I'm going to do it. That will make an official 19.2 pounds lost at meetings. I don't *think* I can. I *KNOW* I can.

It has been a busy week so far and it is only Tuesday. Brad had a fire lit under his ass of which I am grateful. He's worked on the basement, started working on the bricks for around his garden (which have been sitting on my patio for a month), helped me take out my evergreen stumps in my front garden. We even managed to go down to the "It's Your Festival" at Gage Park. We made it to Babies R Us to pick up some baby gates (can someone please show me how to use these mother flarkers?) AND got groceries. This is not lazy. This is what I like. Keeping busy. Idle hands are the work of the devil you know.

Yesterday I had a lot of coffee, diet cola, crystal light and an iced coffee thrown in the mix. I was a little high strung and flying. I got so much done though. I think as I get closer and closer to work I get more and more anxious and nervous and worried. I don't want to leave James even if it is just going to be with my parents. I feel guilty now for asking them to watch them. They could have said no...but what if they felt they couldn't? They've already raised to kids. They are retired. This is a big responsibility. Crap, I look at my day and routine, it is busy I hardly ever sit down. When I'm not playing with James I'm either feeding him or walking him around the house. When he is napping I clean like a woman possessed. Yesterday for example I:

stripped our bed completely
washed - the mattress cover, all the pillows, the blanket (which I hung outside to dry for that oh so clean outdoor freshness) and the sheets
dusted our bedroom - which would include the ceiling fan and pictures on the wall, removing any and all knickknacks from all dressers and surfaces for individual dusting)
dusted the living room (again, removing any and all knickknacks from surfaces, taking a damp cloth to the couches for cat hair removal, ceiling fan)
cleaned outside picture window, window in stairwell and side screen door
cleaned windows in front storm door including gross dirty screen itself
took down front ugly drapes to wash them and am debating the need to put them back up
made bottles
vacuumed everything and everywhere

Oh and to add to my 6 hours of cleaning yesterday (a possible 15 activity points) we had two softball games last night. I pitched every inning and made base every time but once. My quads are completely healed (Thank GOD) so I was able to give it my all in running the bases, sadly I am still slow as all hell...but then again, I was the last season I played and in shape. So I got a LOT of exercise last night. A possible 7 activity points for 2 hours of baseball.

Today I'm feeling it. I'm tired and groggy and my parents are coming over to help me with the floor. There is another game tomorrow. If I don't get my 10% this week there is seriously something wrong with me and I should just give it the fuck it.

Stay busy folks!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, July 06, 2009

Morning
1 serving(s) Shreddies 3
1/2 small banana(s) 0.5
3 cup(s) black coffee 0.5
Subtotal 4

Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
4 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2
1 tsp Honey mustard 0
1 slice(s) Mozzarella 1
32 fl oz Sugar Free Raspberry Ice 0.5
Subtotal 5.5

Evening
2 slickes Pizza Funghi - Quick-added food 10
Subtotal 10

Anytime
Tim Horton's Iced Coffee w/milk - Quick-added food 4
2 cup(s) Honey Bunches Of Oats 6
Subtotal 10

Food POINTS values total used 29.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
120 min softball 7
360 min cleaning 15
Activity POINTS values earned 22

Week 23 - Quick Update

2009-07-02T13:54:00.002-04:00

Last week at weigh in I gained 1 lb. So I'm back up to 177. Haven't been tracking as much as I should. I don't know if it is the summer block or just the emotions getting the better of me.

I've been feeling trapped and overwhelmed as of late. Doesn't help that I am left at home with a half done house, a cave for a laundry room (dark and extremely dirty) and left NO FRIGGING CAR SEAT. What if there is an emergency? My husband is too goddamn lazy to either switch the cars in the morning or put the car seat back in mine. Whoops...and there is the problem. There is a stain still in the marriage. I've eluded to it in the past. In me it is getting worse and worse the closer I get to work. The closer my return to work date gets (and to this point, I really don't know when exactly that will be, I have an inquiry into that at HR) the more stressed and overwhelmed I get. Things aren't getting done. I've finally given up on nagging and have taken to some of the projects myself. I'm currently in the process of removing some evergreens from the front of our house. I'm just waiting for the perfect weekend where I'm not doing anything to remove the stumps I created two weeks ago. With the help of my Father I am ceramic tiling my front entry way. I've ripped up the old damaged hardwood myself, gotten help to lay some plywood...next week we're tiling and I'm so excited for it. This was a project that we bought all the materials for three...four years ago. I manage to get a lot done as James sleeps. I do find it a little frustrating doing things in hour and a half stints though. I'm the kind of person who will sit for hours doing something...I don't like leaving things half done. Must do things start to finish with maybe a day in between. See? This bothers me. I am able to tile a frigging floor in a total of two weeks start to finish while my husband was laid off for four months and GOT NOTHING DONE. What the fuck? The more I think about it all, the angrier I get and I don't know how to talk to him without my temper getting in the way.

So once again, I am sidetracked from what I really want the most. I haven't been exercising...aerobics starts up again next week thank god...I haven't been watching what I should be eating. I'm just a ball of rage and emotion. Up until now I think I've been pretty patient and understanding. I've run out of patience and understanding. It wouldn't be so bad if he were helpful around the house. Picking up after himself. Putting his lunch bag in the closet after work, not on the kitchen table. Maybe do the laundry twice a week so I don't have to go down into the cave and see the mess that my lower house has become...a source of constant embarrassment. It wouldn't be so bad if he were to do the yard work. Best I see it, I do all the housework, yard work, baby stuff while he does the dishes and makes the bottles every other night. This is why I'm stressing about going back to work. Where in the hell am I going to find time to do everything if I'm working? Most of it I do during the day now. I don't want to do it on the weekend...I want to spend time with James as well.

I'm stuck between guilt of expecting more out of him even though he works, and pissed off because I know more will be expected out of me. I married a lazy, lazy man...who wasn't this lazy when we got married. I don't know what I did or when he stopped caring but I can't live like this. Something has got to give. Add to that my unhappiness with my body and weight...I'm a mess with no escape in sight. Yes...this would be my cry for help. I'm hurting inside and am trying to appear strong on the outside so that no ones knows anything is wrong but I'm not made of stone. I'm about to crack.

Week 21 - The Results Blog - I TOTALLY ROCK!

2009-06-20T11:23:00.002-04:00

-3.4

I am totally awesome and stunned that I did this well this week. Lost 3.4! I'm 0.8 away from Weight Watcher's goal of 10%! That means I'll be able to replace my old key chain and start fresh! What an exciting time for me right now. Crunching the numbers I've lost a total of 62 pounds since October 11th, 2008. 18.2 since "officially" rejoining Weight Watchers. And I've done it all in a relatively short amount of time with only 26 more pounds to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is calling to me!

This past week I was met with plenty of challenges. I met them head on and came out the other side alive. At the party at my Grandfather's last night I did well. I didn't take any potato salad at all. Not a fan of it so why bother taking it if it isn't my favourite. A little tiny bit of macaroni salad. Two hot dogs...only one was on a bun, the other I just dipped in ketchup. MMmmm...hot dogs!

Four months left being at home. I'm going to miss it. I'm having trouble coming to terms with it. My Mom was a stay-at-home Mom and I'm nervous about the mechanics of it and finding time to do everything. Now I can clean while James is napping during the week. I've been trying to convince Brad to take James to swimming lessons Saturday mornings but he has yet to sign him up and I fear now it is too late for July classes. I'm coming to terms with certain issues in my life...not sure how I'm going to handle/solve them...slowly simmering though...slow slow burn that will be turning into a wild fire that will be spectacular. On the positive side? Four more months until I can get back to the gym.

Happy weekend!

Week 21 - Eating Out

2009-06-19T14:28:00.002-04:00

First I'd like to thank "Who Am I" for posting a comment and suggestion a while back regarding my stressing about losing a point. She suggested looking over my daily journals and find something I could find a way of cutting down the point value. It never occurred to me to do that. Thank you! Your suggestion worked brilliantly! I had been eating a "fried" egg sandwich at lunch. I'd gotten out of the habit of the sandwich with a side of spinach "salad" because it was using too many of my points for lunch. I've started using egg whites instead. I can use three egg whites for 1 point. A bigger tastier sandwich for less point value! And now that that I've invested in Egg Beaters, I'm not wasting 1/2 the egg...since James wasn't too thrilled with mashed up yolk. We'll try again soon. Thanks! You saved me that point I've been missing.

I've had a busy week as I've previously mentioned. Usually I stress out about it, breaking for a routine that I can follow easily and prevents me from snacking and thinking too much about what I'm going to eat and when. It is all about finding the best possibly choices even at a not so good restaurant. I mentioned before Tuesday I had a Veggie Delight wrap from Subway with no cheese. 5 points (an extra point for the honey mustard...hey, I needed some taste!) instead of the 10 I would normally have had for a foot long turkey sub. It is lunch...gotta change my thinking, don't need a foot long at lunch.

Yesterday was a little more difficult. Mom and I were out most of the afternoon shopping. Mom and I love going to a "diner" for lunch. Before the baby we'd go for breakfast...now I just can't get my butt out the door in time. Besides, I like waiting until James wakes up from his morning nap before going anywhere. Gives me time to relax (and get dressed) in the morning. Diners aren't known for the healthiest of foods. I spent a long time before choosing what I'd have. I finally decided on a 1/2 club sandwich with a side of vegetable soup. Best I figure 2 points for the soup and 8 for the sandwich. Not bad considering normally I'd have a quesidilla or full club sandwich or western sandwich with a side of fries. Oh and of course the ever present diet cola.

Dinner...hee hee...it was a baseball night. I hadn't planned on playing last night. I honestly thought it was going to be rained out since the weather hasn't been the best in Southern Ontario as of late. So I made Brad rush. I stayed at my parents' house and he had to bring over my uniform and baby food after work. We were rushed and hungry so we decided on McDonald's. Riddle me this...how does one manage to have only 9 points at McDonalds and avoid feeling full of grease all at the same time? Get a Happy Meal! I'd forgotten all about my lunches while working in Toronto...I'd walk down the street to pick up either a Mandarin Orange Salad or a Happy Meal. Plus...you get a toy...life is good. 4 McNuggets (4 points) and small fries (5 pts) diet coke...you've got yourself an okay meal. Yey me! Now if only I could get rid of this fear that the ball is going right for my right eye socket after every pitch, I'd be a happy girl. Gah...you get hit by one ball and that's all you can think about for the rest of the season...and unfortunately it is effecting my performance "on the mound".

Tonight is a party at my Grandfather's retirement home. Plus it is his birthday. So the family is going there for a BBQ...this will be a challenge for me since I've been having issue with my will power and portion control lately. Tomorrow maybe a family BBQ with the in laws...same issues there. I just have to remind myself that both sides of family know how much weight I gained with James and that I'm a Weight Watchers cultist. They'll be watching me eat...even if it isn't true...going in with that mentality will help to keep me in check.

(Ps...yeah I know softball isn't really 7 points of activity...especially when you suck and need a pinch runner...Thanks Karyn!)

Happy weekend all.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Morning
3/4 cup(s) Quaker Life Oat Bran Cereal 2
1 large banana(s) 2
Subtotal 4

Midday
1 1/2 tbsp Fat Free Honey Mustard Dressing 1
1 item(s) Veggie Delite Sub 4
Subtotal 5

Evening
Whole Chicken Leg - Quick-added food 6
1 cup(s) cooked brown rice 4
Subtotal 10

Anytime
Lrg Iced Coffee w/Milk - Quick-added food 2
1 serving(s) Crackers 2
1 serving(s) Animal crackers 2
Subtotal 6

Food POINTS values total used 25
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise No entries for exercise.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Thursday, June 18, 2009

Morning
3/4 cup(s) Quaker Life Oat Bran Cereal 2
1 large banana(s) 2
4c Herbal Tea - Quick-added food 0
Subtotal 4

Midday
1 cup(s) vegetable Soup 2
1/2 item(s) club sandwich 7.5
Subtotal 9.5

Evening
1 small French Fries 5
Happy Meal Sized Diet Coke - Quick-added food 0
4 pieces Chicken McNuggets, Small 4
Subtotal 9

Anytime
2 item(s) English muffin(s), any type 5
2 tbsp peanut butter 4.5
2 tbsp Strawberry Spreadable Fruit 1.5
Subtotal 11

Food POINTS values total used 33.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
120 min softball 7
Activity POINTS values earned 7

Week 21 - Playing it by Ear

2009-06-18T09:34:00.002-04:00

I'm journalling this week. At times too late. But I am journalling. I've been at my parents' house soon to be three days this week but have been doing good while there. Yesterday there was a Ritz cracker incident but I came out of it okay.

Lunch was a Veggie Delight wrap from Subway with no cheese and we changed it up a little bit with some honey mustard. Mmmmm....sooo good! Didn't even miss the meat and got in some vegetables.

Then yesterday I went for coffee with friends and didn't get a latte like I normally would. I ordered an herbal tea. With no caffeine. Blueberry tea. Quite nice. Baby steps but baby sets in the right direction right?

Dinner has been going well this week and had been planned out in advance. Monday night we ate at my parents. Ended up having two hamburgers once again even though I only planned on one. Tuesday we had whole chicken legs with roasted asparagus and potatoes. I've got to use a little less olive oil. I'll get it right eventually. Yesterday was whole chicken legs again with brown rice. Doing good, doing good.

Two and a half more days until weigh in...hopefully I can keep this up. I like our home scale MUCH better. Before going to bed last night I was 175...why after eating and drinking all day do I weigh less than I do on a Saturday morning before eating? I don't get it.

Happy Thursday!

Week 20 - The Results Blog

2009-06-15T10:07:00.002-04:00

I'm up 0.4 this week. But I am accepting of that on two accounts. These aren't excuses. They are me coming to terms with things.

1. I didn't journal last week and let my eating get the better of me. I cannot keep turning to food when I'm emotional. Bad bad bad. Bad. Time for a Kim shopping trip again I think. I am stressed to the max and need a day away. But I have nothing to do. Sucks.

2. I lost a point. When the middle number of your weight changes, so does your daily point allotment. It usually takes me a bit of adjusting to figure out where I can cut back. I am looking at my breakfast. I'll take out the yogurt (sometimes glass of milk) and just add more coffee. Hmmm...or rather stop the banana on the cereal to keep in the serving of dairy and add more coffee. Either way, greasy sweats or not...I'm adding more coffee. Just can't function with out it.

We have food in the house again. I tried to make a conscious effort on lower point, better for you foods while shopping. We bought most of the food from the fresh food section and hardly any from the frozen food section. Desperately trying to get away from processed. It is so hard without a weekly meal plan. In fact, as I'm writing this, I am realizing my plan for tonight is already screwed. We were going to have bbqed whole chicken legs, potatoes and onions in foil on the bbq and roasted asparagus in the oven....and then it hit me. We're out of propane. And I don't do propane. Poop.

See...? There's always something!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Saturday, June 13, 2009

Morning

Weight Watchers Brownie Bar - Quick-added food 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Chocolate Caramel Just 1 pt Bar - Quick-added food 1
Subtotal 3

Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1/2 cup(s) Sugar-Free Cherry 0
4 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2
Kraft Cheese Slice - Quick-added food 2
Diet Pepsi Max - Quick-added food 0
Subtotal 6

Evening
2 Spinach Tortillas - Quick-added food 7
1 boneless Skinless Chicken Breast - Quick-added food 3
1/8 cup(s) fat-free sour cream 0.5
1/2 oz cheese - Quick-added food 2
Subtotal 12.5

Anytime
3 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 2
1/2 cup(s) Peanut Butter Chocolate Persuasion Ice Cream 6
Subtotal 8

Food POINTS values total used 29.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise 30 min walking, leisure 1
Activity POINTS values earned 1

POINTS® Tracker entries
Sunday, June 14, 2009

Morning
3/4 cup(s) Quaker Life Oat Bran Cereal 2
1 large banana(s) 2
1 serving(s) Source Yogurt 1
Subtotal 5

Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
5 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2.5
Kraft Cheese Slice - Quick-added food 2
1 tsp Classic yellow mustard 0
Diet Pepsi Max - Quick-added food 0
Subtotal 6.5

Evening
2 item(s) hamburger bun(s) 6.5
2 burger(s) Tuna burger, 98% fat free 4
1/2 oz Mild marbled cheddar cheese 1.5
Subtotal 12

Anytime
Brownie Bar - Quick-added food 2
Chocolate Caramel 1pt Bars - Quick-added food 2
2 cup(s) Cinnamon Toast Crunch 7
Subtotal 11

Food POINTS values total used 34.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
90 min gardening, hedging 5
Activity POINTS values earned 5

Week 20 - Unmemorable

2009-06-12T13:53:00.002-04:00

This week kind of got away from me. I have been journalling but without much enthusiasm. Haven't spent much time at the computer so I have e-mailed my food journal buddies nor have I written my blog. When you have an unmemorable week, it is hard to come up with things to write about.

I do know it has been stressful for no other reason than I think too much. The 8 months at home are starting to get to me. Wednesday and Thursday I went for a walk. Wednesday's walk was to clear my head and relieve some of my inner tension. Yesterday's walk was purely to drop some papers off at the bank...but an hour walk is an hour walk right?

Have learned that on baseball days it isn't a good idea to clean the house, go for a walk and NOT drink coffee. I was practically falling asleep in the parking lot. Luckily I drank Brad's energy drink....and couldn't sleep last night.

The house is empty of most healthy non processed foods so finding things to eat for breakfast and lunch has been challenging. I think it has actually helped me this time. I've had to be more creative and get away from the usual Shredded Wheat and yogurt blah blah blah.

Not going to bother posting my journal since I haven't updated my on-line one at all this week and my time is precious when James is napping.

Happy weekend everyone. Be good!

Week 20 - NOT at the Zoo :(

2009-06-08T11:22:00.002-04:00

Gah. What a waste of a vacation day for my poor husband. We're obviously NOT at the zoo. With expected showers and thunder storms for today, we weren't chancing it. Besides. It is rather cold. Maybe I can convince the men in my life for a walk down by the Harbour Queen. Not at all with ulterior motives since there is a Timothy's Coffee Pub there as well.

I've found a way to get in some milk AND caffeine without hating that I am drinking away my points. Homemade latte. Seems obvious right? I just always assumed that it was too difficult to make a latte. Almost as good as my Second Cup lattes (but not up to par with Starbucks). We bought dark roast coffee and it tastes like ass IMHO. What do you do with strong coffee? You make lemonade! Er...or you get the idea. 1 cup of strong hot coffee, 1 cup of hot milk (first I attempted it in the microwave...it boiled over and made a hell of a mess. Next tried it on the stove and burnt the bottom of the pan...so the perfect cup is in the middle somewhere). In large mug add milk to coffee (so far 2 points) then add in 1tbsp of Quik Chocolate Syrup for 1 point. And VOILA! 3 point Mocha Latte! Much cheaper, accessible and tastier than going out for one. I'm so smart! S-M-R-T!

That was about the only highlight of the food journal weekend. Busy day Saturday. Boring day Sunday which leads to over eating for me.

Here's the journals. Lost a point so have to adjust. And MUST MUST MUST track this week and stay on program. While I may not have been an angel this past weekend, I once again journalled EVERYTHING. That is key. ALWAYS journal even if you think you've screwed your day (and week) up. WRITE IT DOWN. It really does help me stay in the proper mind set. I've had weeks where I've had a bad weekend, didn't write it down and I keep up that kind of momentum for the rest of the week. Last time it took me three whole weeks to get tracking again. Don't do that to yourself. Always write it down.

Have a great day everyone!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Saturday, June 06, 2009

Morning
1 large banana(s) 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
1 cup(s) Multi-Grain Cheerios Plus 2
Subtotal 4

Midday
1 item(s) Foot Long 14
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Subtotal 14

Evening
6 oz cooked lean beef steak 7.5
Medium Potato - Quick-added food 3
Subtotal 10.5

Anytime
1 bar(s) Oats & chocolate 2
2 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1.5
Coffee Toffee Twisty Frosty - Quick-added food 12 <-----NOT WORTH IT. Spend the money and extra points and get a frappicino if you are craving something icecream and coffee like.
Subtotal 15.5

Food POINTS values total used 44
Food POINTS values remaining 0

POINTS® Tracker entries
Sunday, June 07, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
2 serving(s) Source Yogurt 1.5
1 tsp Spoonable brown 0
Chocolate Syrup - Quick-added food 1
Subtotal 6

Midday
2 item(s) whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
Subtotal 6

Evening
2 slice(s) cooked lean pork 4.5
2 cup(s) potato, red, white 4.5
1 cup(s) canned green peas 2
Subtotal 11

Anytime
2 piece(s) pineapple upside-down cake (2 1/2 inch square) 11 <---- Brad baked...how could I not?
24 item(s) tortilla chips 6
1/2 cup(s) salsa 0
Subtotal 17

Food POINTS values total used 40
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Week 19 - The RESULTS Blog

2009-06-07T14:15:00.002-04:00

-3.2!!

If there were a way to make that number flash and blink and dance I would. This week I managed to lose 3.2. There are however a few asterisks involved with this week's results.

1. I missed weighing in last week. So this is actually a two week result.

2. I didn't have a very good week prior to this weigh in so I may see the damage at this coming Saturday's weigh in.

3. It is in my nature to diminish my accomplishments by saying yes...but. Why must I do that to myself?

So my weight is now officially out of the 180's and I'm tipping the scales at 179! Great news for me! I now lose a point a day though. I must now stay within 23 daily points. Crap. I was having enough trouble with 24.

Crunching the numbers I've now lost at total of 59 pounds since October 11, 2008. I have 29 more to go. 26 if you want to get technical and go back to where I was pre-pregnancy. This number (29) seems a lot easier than the 32 I was stuck at forever.

The body certainly doesn't look (or feel) the same as it did before. I've been trying to remember what my body looked like the first time before I joined Weight Watchers. Did my belly button of that folded over line, lived in look? Will my tummy go flatish again? Will my arms get toned again? Will my butt get rounded again rather than have these flat spots? Will my freaking thighs stop rubbing together? I remember the first time around when it dawned on my that my thighs no longer rubbed when I walked to the office from the subway station. The next day I wore a skirt without nylons (middle of the summer, MAN I was grateful) and I smiled the entire way. That was a moment when I knew I could to this. I'm still waiting for that to happen.

I'll get there. In due time. Patience...

Week 19 - Icing Up

2009-06-05T10:37:00.002-04:00

It finally happened. Got it done and over the way early in the season. I got hit. I got hit hard. Right in the knee cap. Being a pitcher on a softball team, you have to expect and accept the fact that sooner or later you are going to take a line drive up the middle to a body part. All I ask is that I walk away each game with my teeth intact and my face unscathed. Hasn't turned purple yet. I have a feeling like the line drive to my forearm two years ago this one won't be turning pretty colours. Too deep. Now I can put the fear of being hit aside and focus on hitting the plate!

I hope it doesn't get too sore. I'm sitting here icing it up again. Brad has taken Monday off and we're taking James to the zoo. I hope a) the weather is nice and b) I can walk it.

I'm looking forward to going to the zoo. I think (and hope) James will love it. I know he's young still (soon enough to be 8 months) but he loves animals. He squeals in delight every time Coffee or Norris comes into the room. When outside and a stray cat walks by he loves it. Watches birds and flaps his arms (not because he knows this is what birds do...because that is what he does when he is excited). I'm also looking forward to the exercise. All day walking...or for a few hours at least. Now just keep your fingers crossed for me that the weather is nice.

I almost manage to stay right on point range last night. If it weren't for the dumbass working the Mr. Sub drive thu I would have. I ordered a Turkey sub on Whole Wheat with no cheese or onions with lots of pickles and mustard. I somehow ended up with a Turkey Sub (yay!) on cheese bread WITH cheese (no onions...yay! Good for you!) with lots of Black Olives (YUCKY) and Ranch sauce. DUMBASS! So extra points for the cheese, cheese bread and ranch dressing. Frig. Couldn't go back and complain because we got 'em before the game and ate them after. Lesson learned. Just wait until after. Play hungry.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Thursday, June 04, 2009

Morning
1 large banana(s) 2
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
2 serving(s) Source Yogurt 1.5
Subtotal 5

Midday
Orange Chicken - Quick-added food 4
32 fl oz Sugar Free Raspberry Ice 0.5
1 bar(s) Oats & chocolate 2
Subtotal 6.5
Evening

Gross Sub that dumbass at Mr. Sub screwed up - Quick-added food 14
Subtotal 14

Anytime
2 serving(s) Rockstar Energy Drink - Light Vanilla Roast 2.5
Subtotal 2.5

Food POINTS values total used 28
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
90 min softball 5

Activity POINTS values earned 5

Week 19 - Remaining Positive

2009-06-04T13:53:00.003-04:00

Okay. So I'm over my flex points AND 30 activity points by 18.5 points for the entire week...not that anyone counting (er ha ha) but that's an extra 83.5 points I've over eaten. 83.5 points. Where did it go? I don't recall eating one thing this week and thinking...man...that was a lot of points but SO worth it. Even my Pecan Mudslide after playing four games of softball in one day wasn't worth it. I was too freaking tired to enjoy it.

Time to spin it into a positive. Yes, I'm horribly horribly over points. But wait, I know exactly how horribly over points I am and I know exactly what I've eaten each day this week. I've written every single solitary thing down that has passed these lips. It would have been easy enough for me to say screw it. I'm not writing that. What's the point? Think of it this way...if I hadn't written it all down I'd be lying to myself by saying, "Why did I gain that much? My week wasn't that bad." I know I'd have said this...I've done it many times before. Then I would have blamed the gain on being bloated and it being a couple days before that special time of the month. I would have continued on lying to myself next week too, feeling sorry for myself. Telling myself I am a failure and that this stupid plan isn't working. I would have lied and I would have believed it. I can't now. I have it all written down. The thing is Weight Watchers works. I works awesomely. Millions of people who've lost weight all over the world are living proof that Weight Watchers works. Look at me. I had lost 32 pounds previously and had kept it off for 5 years. That is proof it works. But...you have to do the work. I will do the work. I did it last time without a shred of exercise. I can and WILL do this again. I had an off week. It is behind me. Time to get back at it with a vengeance.

Note to self...Thursdays suck for trying to get James to have a long nap. Snotty baby or not. Can't sleep through Garbage trucks, Recycling Trucks, Green Bin trucks AND just for fun a goddamn street sweeper today FUCK!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 tsp Spoonable brown 0
2 serving(s) Source Yogurt 1.5
Subtotal 3

Midday
Orange Chicken Lean Cuisine - Quick-added food 4
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
1 bar(s) Oats & chocolate 2
Subtotal 6

Evening
4 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 5
2 pattie(s) cooked ground turkey (Club House Sloppy Joe mix) 9.5
Subtotal 14.5

Anytime
32 fl oz Sugar Free Raspberry Ice 0.5
Medium Banana 2

Subtotal 0.5
Food POINTS values total used 26
Food POINTS values remaining +2
Exercise
No entries for exercise.

Week 19 - Still having a heck of a time.

2009-06-03T10:14:00.003-04:00

Just can't get my head around things this week. Brad was home sick yesterday and something as simple as having him around and it not feeling like a "normal day" was enough to throw me off. I'm fully expecting a gain for this week. Plus I'm bloated and have only just started drinking water to get rid of the sodium and bloat. Still really tired. When I finally got James down for a nap yesterday everyone in the house slept until almost 4:30. Guess we're all really tired. I can't even get up the energy to go for a walk this week. James and I skipped out on Mother Goose today since we're both not feeling 100% and I didn't want to get the other Mothers and Babies sick too. I don't want to be "that guy".

Planning dinner now what have I got in the house? Wish me luck. This is getting hard.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 large banana(s) 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
4 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2
1 slice(s) Singles American pasteurized prepared cheese 2
1 tsp Classic yellow mustard 0
1 cup(s) Italian Style Wedding Soup 2
Subtotal 8

Evening
6 oz cooked pork backribs, lean and fat 17
1 large potato, baked 3
Subtotal 20

Anytime
No entries for this meal time.

Subtotal 0
Food POINTS values total used 30.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.

Week 19 - Capable of Salvaging?

2009-06-02T14:34:00.002-04:00

The good news? I am journalling. The bad news? I'm -15 points in the hole this week (technically only day 4) including using my 25 gained activity points. Oops.

So my killer week last week of being good, staying within points and journalling like a mad woman isn't going to be worth a hill of beans to me.

Why I wonder can't I stay on program for more than a week straight? This week I have been tired and sick. That shouldn't mean that I can't eat well. Even though I told myself yesterday I wasn't going to do it...we had frozen pizza and wings for dinner. I only had one slice of the pizza. The good news is that junk is now out of the house. No more frozen pizzas to fall back on. Last grocery day I picked up the things I would put on a homemade pizza. Now I just have to make the dough. No problem! I am going to start thinking of what is for dinner right now. Brad called in sick to work so I should have an easier time cooking without trying to figure our dinner out, cook it and feed James all at the same time.

Here's the past three days journals. I really didn't think they were that bad at the time. Lesson learned. Even if busy take the time to work out the points. I had my books with me...I don't know why I didn't keep track. Live and learn.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Saturday, May 30, 2009

Morning
2 cup(s) Honey Bunches Of Oats With Almonds 6.5
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
1 cup(s) orange juice, chilled, includes from concentrate 2
1 tbsp jam 1
Subtotal 9.5

Midday
1/2 cup(s) scrambled eggs 5
1 slice(s) cooked lean ham 2
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 tsp margarine 1
1 tbsp peanut butter 2
Subtotal 12

Evening
3 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 3.5
5 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2.5
1 serving(s) Rockstar Energy Drink - Light Vanilla Roast 1
2 Slices Frozen Pizza - Quick-added food 10
Subtotal 17

Anytime
1 serving(s) Pecan Mudslide 16
Subtotal 16

Food POINTS values total used 54.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
300 min softball 18

Activity POINTS values earned 18

POINTS® Tracker entries
Sunday, May 31, 2009

Morning
2 cup(s) Organic honey bunches of oats honey roasted 6
Lemon Bun - Quick-added food 6
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 12

Midday
1 serving(s) French Fries 9
1 serving(s) Chicken Nuggets 6
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Subtotal 15

Evening
1 cup(s) canned green peas 2
6 oz cooked trimmed beef round steak or roast 7.5
1/2 cup(s) canned beef gravy 1.5
1 cup(s) mashed potatoes 4.5
Subtotal 15.5

Anytime
Whole Wheat Bun - Quick-added food 3
Turkey - Quick-added food 2
Havartti Cheese - Quick-added food 3
1 bar(s) Oats & chocolate 2
Subtotal 10

Food POINTS values total used 52.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
120 min softball 7
Activity POINTS values earned 7

POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, June 01, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 large banana(s) 2
8 fl oz Low acid orange juice 2
Subtotal 5.5

Midday
Whole Wheat Bun - Quick-added food 3
2 oz havarti cheese 5
5 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2.5
Subtotal 10.5

Evening
10 item(s) Honey Garlic Chicken Wings 12
1 Slice Deluxe Frozen Pizza - Quick-added food 6
Subtotal 18

Anytime
1 bar(s) Oats & chocolate 2
6 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 4
Subtotal 6

Food POINTS values total used 40
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
No entries for exercise.

Week 19 - Sick Sore and Tired - but worth it!

2009-06-01T11:03:00.002-04:00

Unfortunately didn't make it into Weight Watchers for a weigh in this weekend. Too much going on. Baseball tournament weekends are busy. So that means I'm going to have to be on my best behaviour for this week too if I want to make sure I get the credit and the reward of having an "on" week last week. Gah. Being forced into these things suck.

The weekend itself went good. Made the best food choices I could given the circumstances. Didn't have any beer or wings. Didn't have any of the BBQ at the beer tent. I only slipped after Saturday was over and being dead tired and hungry it was *MY* idea to get ice cream at Dairy Queen for dinner. I haven't looked up the points yet for my Pecan Mudslide but I have a feeling it isn't going to be pretty.

I'm out of shape. There is no denying that now. The very first game Friday night at my very first at bat (I'm 3rd in the order...so pretty early on in the freaking game) I managed to somehow pull both my quads on my very first hit running to first. This unfortunately made me pretty much useless for the rest of the tournament running wise. Fielding I wasn't running for normally easily caught short pop flies and there was no trying for any extra bases. When I made it to first I'm ashamed to say I had to resort to a pinch runner. HOW EMBARRASSING. I will be stretching before games from this point forward.

Right now I'm trying to remember exactly what I've eaten this past weekend so that I can track it. I will record on it and today's journals tomorrow.

James, Brad and I are all sick. Who knew baby germs would be contagious. Huh. So I'm still tire and sore and now sick. Should be a challenge for me in that I'm going to want to eat comfort food or processed food since it is quick and easy to make when you don't feel up to cooking. Maybe chicken and couscous tonight for dinner.

Congratulations once again Lisa on the baby this past weekend. You can't imagine how excited I am for you! Our little boys are going to be the bestest of friends!!!! YAY!!!!!! Love ya and take one day at a time

Week 18 - Being Forced into Activity!

2009-05-29T10:15:00.003-04:00

Stupid rain didn't let up and the game was cancelled last night. Stupid rain. Now it is supposed to rain Saturday. Good thing I like playing in mud puddles. Hmmm...better bring extra shoes. Don't want to get my cleats all muddy.

On the baby front I won't be sitting down to play with James anymore. He has figured out walking. Not on his own yet. At only 7 1/2 months he is running around the main floor of the house! Time to baby proof, get things out of his reach and install baby gates. We spent all day yesterday exploring and examining things he'd previously only was able to see from a distance. The poor cats. They weren't too sure of him when he was just sitting there reaching for him. Now that he is practically mobile and is able to chase them...as we spend the better half of yesterday doing...they are terrified of them. Norris is getting his fair share of attention and likes being chased. Coffee...not so much. My lower back is a little sore from hunching over. My hamstrings and inner thighs however are getting the workout of their lives. Lunges all day. Woo-hoo. My little boy is growing up...and fast. I think he forgot all about crawling!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Thursday, May 28, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) Multi-Grain Cheerios Plus 2
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 large banana(s) 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 6

Midday
1 item(s) whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
Lean Cuisine Orange Chicken - Quick-added food 4
Diet Ginger Ale - Quick-added food 0
2 serving(s) Source Yogurt 1.5
Subtotal 7.5

Evening
1 item(s) Sour Cream And Chives Potato 7
1/2 large serving(s) Chili 3
Bucket o'Diet Coke - Quick-added food 0
Subtotal 10

Anytime
5 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 3.5
Subtotal 3.5

Food POINTS values total used 27
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise No entries for exercise.

Week 18 - Rain rain, go AWAY!

2009-05-28T10:20:00.003-04:00

Stupid rain. Stupid fog. I had made a promise to myself I'd get out walking at least three days this week. I know I won't melt in the rain. I know that James has a weather guard. I just plan don't like getting wet. Have enough hair issues as it is with out the added moisture. See...I have excuses for EVERYTHING ;)

Plus it is the weekend of baseball. Starting (hopefully) with tonight. Double header tonight, a game tomorrow. Four games Saturday. Life is good. Supposed to rain for tonight and tomorrow. Stupid rain. I WANT TO PLAY DARNNIT! After a season of sitting out I'm ready to go! I'm a little disappointed my parents won't be able to come to the games. Which means James won't see Mommy and Daddy playing. Just as well. The bench gets a little rowdy and the girls dirty. No one needs to hear that. I'm so excited for the tournament otherwise. Just what the doctor ordered! Too bad none of the parks we play at have playground equipment.

Yesterday was filled with processed food unfortunately. Lunch was a Lean Cuisine. Low in points but high in sodium. Dinner I did the best I could with what we had. Didn't want to cop out and make the frozen pizza. I can really only afford to eat two slices which isn't really filling. I really must pick up fresh ingredients and make my own dough in the bread maker. Starting grocery list now as I type. So I made chicken fingers (not the low fat kind...why do we buy these things?) and periogies. Not too bad if you stick to serving sizes. Wasn't hungry after and didn't snack at night so I must be doing something right.

Tonight is an early game and I hate having a full stomach while playing. So it is Tuna sandwiches and boiled eggs for dinner...mmmmm...protien...plus I enjoy making Brad (our first baseman) stinky smelly with the farts...poor opposing bat catcher...sorry! My bad...is that underhanded of me? ;)

POINTS® Tracker entries
Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 tsp Spoonable brown 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
1 serving(s) Lean Cuisine Italian Cheese Ravioli 5
2 serving(s) Source Yogurt 1.5
32 fl oz Sugar Free Raspberry Ice 0.5
Subtotal 7

Evening
3 No Name Chicken Fingers - Quick-added food 6
8 No Name Potato and Cheddar Perogies - Quick-added food 9
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Subtotal 15

Anytime
1 large banana(s) 2
1 slices pineapple 0.5
Subtotal 2.5

Food POINTS values total used 28
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Week 18 - Feel Good about Yourself

2009-05-27T12:46:00.002-04:00

I'm still amazed at what small changes will do to make yourself feel better...about everything. There is a saying at the end of my Weight Watchers meeting "Nothing tastes as good as being in control feels". This week I am learning it is the truth. After James was asleep last night I was offered a fudgecicle. I was already one point over for the day and a fudgecicle is only two points. What's being only 3 points over when I've got flex points left right? I said no and it felt really good. Being only 3 points over leads to being 10 points over very very quickly and when you're only 3 points over each and every day, it adds up. So I said no and I felt good about it.

Along with my new clothes I bought new headbands for my hair. Now that I am done with losing my hair after having James, hair is growing back. The new growth is of course around my face. Since I have curly hair, these fine hairs just don't look good. So with the help of a head band I'm hiding them and once again, feeling better about myself in the process.

Feeling good about myself lead me to taking initative with the house. I cleaned the bathroom last night. I will admit I'm a little obsessive about my bathroom. It takes me an hour to clean a 10 x 8 room. I take a sponge soaked in Pine sol to the toilet. Let it sit then rinse it off. Last night I was in such a groove and the OCD set in and found myself steam cleaning my floor grout. It is a small thing. No one but me notices if my floor grout is white or not but it is important to me. So now it is done. James had a bath and I even managed to stay up until 11:00pm! See...feeling better about yourself is important. It leads to a better mood and a better life.

I'm slowly learning to do things for myself and change my way of thinking. I can't keep mourning the loss of my old life. It really wasn't all that exciting anyway. I can't keep telling myself I miss certain things. I have to refocus my thinking and focus on all the new things I have now that I didn't have before. I've said it many times before. I don't know what I did before in the morning. There is no feeling in this world than going into your baby's room in the morning to have them smile up at you. At that moment in time you are the only person in their world and their eyes are filled with such a pure love that you've never seen before. And that my friends is the BEST part of parenthood.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 tsp Spoonable brown 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
2 slices Wonder Wheat Bread - Quick-added food 3
1 slice(s) Singles American pasteurized prepared cheese 2
1 tsp Classic yellow mustard 0
1 slices pineapple 0.5
1 serving(s) Sugar Free Peach Iced Tea Mix 0
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
4 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2
Subtotal 7.5

Evening
1 cup(s) cooked brown rice 4
1/2 cup(s) Peas And Carrots 1
5 oz cooked lean boneless pork chop 5.5
3 tsp canola oil 3.5
Subtotal 14

Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0

Food POINTS values total used 25
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise No entries for exercise.

Week 18 - Overwhelmed by Support

2009-05-26T10:21:00.003-04:00

I had a good day after all yesterday. I had a lot to get off my chest blogging helped a lot. Friends can't know what is going on in your head unless you tell them and they may begin to think they've done something wrong. It isn't the case at all. I just need some time alone to find myself and my way again. The e-mails and facebook postings on my wall with suggestions from friends make me realize I'm not alone in this even though at times I couldn't feel more alone in the world.

Yesterday ended up shopping and buying some new clothes. Today I'm sitting here in a size 11 jean capris (yay Reitman's with a wide variety of sizes!). Sure it gives me a little bit of a muffin top in my belly area but I suppose in time that will be taken care of. Nothing a nice new longer tee shirt can't cover up! So I got 4 new summer shirts...the tank tops of summers past will be demoted to sleeping in until I can get back to work and weight training...besides my new post-pregnant skin is burning like a SOB in the sun. Not that I was a tanned goddess before. Previously I came in to shades, Caseper and Extra Cripsy. Now the theme of the summer looks like either freckled or Extra extra crispy. Nice. I HATE SUNSCREEN! So sticky and smelly. But...I digress. Also bought three new pairs of pants. Two capris and one pair of shorts. Got to be prepared for all eventualities. Couldn't find any yoga pants for baseball. The search for that continues. Maybe WalMart or Zellers will be more helpful.

Food wise I like to think I did okay. I ended up at my parents so when shopping my Mom could watch James while I tried on clothes. Dad ended up offering to watch James while we went out. We waited until after noon so I could feed the monkey and we left. Mom hadn't had lunch yet (neither had I for that matter) so she suggested McDonald's in Walmart. Moment of panic. McDonald's in Walmarts SUCK. They don't offer a full menu. No salads. I couldn't find the menu for happy meals. So I think I did the best I could. I had two Fajitas and a diet Coke. Passed on the fries. 8 points for lunch. Not too bad considering normally I'd just have a combo and say fuck the day. Minor slip up with an Iced Coffee from Tim Horton's (4 points with cream). Note to self. Next time ask for it with Milk instead. For a medium it reduces the point value to 2.

Hopefully I can keep this up all week. Monkey is awake...

POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, May 25, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 large banana(s) 2
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
Subtotal 5.5
Midday
2 CHicken Fajitas McDonald's - Quick-added food 8
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
1 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1
Med. Tim Horton's Iced Coffee (w/cream) - Quick-added food 4
Subtotal 13

Evening
1/2 chicken - Quick-added food 3
White Flour Tortilla - Quick-added food 4
Subtotal 7

Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0

Food POINTS values total used 25.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise No entries for exercise.

Week 18 (?) - More Soul Searching

2009-05-25T09:30:00.003-04:00

Being trying desperately to get my head and heart back into this. This time around I just can't get motivated (if that goddamn motorcycle just woke up James people will DIE!).

I'm finding it hard to sit down and do the computer thing. It wastes a lot of time and now that it is nice out while James is napping I'd much rather be outside weeding the garden, watering my plants, reading the newspaper on the patio...living life ya know. However it seems without e-mailing my friends my journal, updating my online Weight Watchers journal and writing my blog, I lose the little drive and motivation I do have. So I'm going to try and give it another go.

I've been trying to look inwards again to find out what is different and why I'm feeling the way I have been lately. I've slipped into an utter depression to the point where family members visited the house yesterday and I'm ashamed to say I hid upstairs in my room crying. They probably think I'm the rudest person in the entire world, but I just couldn't bring myself to go down the stairs. The laundry baskets were downstairs and the clothes that fit me were in them. I tried to get dressed but couldn't find a goddamn thing I felt comfortable enough to be seen in by someone other than Brad or my parents.

And there it is. Right there. This time I don't feel just fat. I feel so utterly unattractive and ugly. Since giving birth my previously unruly but manageable with a lot of product and work hair has taken on its own life. So in my brilliantness I thought maybe a change of colour would help. I get bored of my hair and dye it maybe once a year. I last dyed it just before I found out I was pregnant and hated the colour I used then...picked up the same colour again forgetting it was what I used the last time. So now I have a hair "style" (for lack of a better word) I hate and a colour that is so the other side of natural looking it is a good thing I love hats.

In my previous life in the summer time I like wearing tight clothes. I liked to tell myself not tight in a way that people grimaced but tight in a way to show off the figure. Now they are tight in a "WHOA she should not be wearing that" sort of way. I have no clue how to dress this new me. Usually I'm pretty confident in my personal life now I'm hiding in a house while it is beautiful outside. I just want to hide from the entire world but the world keeps finding me.

On the good side, the baseball season has started again and it is EXACTLY what I need right now in my life. Not for the socialization. Actually I stayed away from most of my friends at the last game...trying to get my head in it. I felt the most like me at that first game than I had since February 2008. Sure I can't wear my cute little short jean shorts to play anymore (no one needs to see that) sure I tried to kill the ball and didn't have a good two games at bat but I was ME. For two hours I wasn't a Mommy (um guilty feelings much?) I wasn't on maternity leave no one was judging me on my parenting skills. I was just a pitcher for the Angry Scotsmen. I was having fun. I'm so excited for this week. It is going to be extremely busy but we've got games three days in a row! A regular season game on Thursday and a tournament Friday, Saturday and possibly Sunday. I hope my parents will be able to come and watch was play. They'll be watch James and I'd like him to see Mommy and Daddy playing. But Dad isn't well. And the park we play at isn't really ideal for his illness. I think that is weighing heavily in the back of my mind too...hoping Dad will get better so that he can enjoy doing things with his grandson. I had a close relationship with my Grandma and a baby needs that in their lives.

Anyway...I'm tearing up so time to sign off. I'm heading to the mall to give in and buy some summer clothes...I have to start feeling attractive or nothing will get better.

Here are my journals for the weekend. I'm trying. I'm trying hard this week.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Saturday, May 23, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 large banana(s) 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
2 slices Wonder Wheat Bread - Quick-added food 3
4 slice(s) tomato(es) 0
1 tsp margarine 1
1 cup(s) cucumber(s) 0
1 small apple(s) 1
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Subtotal 5

Evening
2 cup(s) potato gnocchi 8.5
1 serving(s) Healthy Choice Sauce - Chunky Lovers 1
Homemade Herb Bread - Quick-added food 4
Cheese - Quick-added food 4
1 tsp margarine 1
2 cup(s) low-fat milk 4.5
Subtotal 23

Anytime
1 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1
Subtotal 1

Food POINTS values total used 32.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise 60 min walking, leisure 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3

POINTS® Tracker entries
Sunday, May 24, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 large banana(s) 2
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
Wonder Wheat Bread - Quick-added food 3
4 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2
1 tsp Classic yellow mustard 0
Subtotal 5

Evening
1 item(s) cooked chicken drumstick with skin and bone 2
1 item(s) cooked chicken thigh with skin and bone 4
1 oz cooked chicken fillet 1
2 serving(s) Straight Cut French Fried Potatoes 5
Subtotal 12

Anytime
2 slices pineapple 1
1 large banana(s) 2
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Fudgecicle - Quick-added food 2
100 cal Icecream Cup - Quick-added food 2
Subtotal 7

Food POINTS values total used 27.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise No entries for exercise.

Activity POINTS values earned 0

Week 16 - Updates

2009-05-19T11:13:00.003-04:00

Where to begin?

I had the best weigh in this Weight Watchers go-a-round on May 9th. I lost 3.4 pounds quite unexpectedly. FINALLY made it to my first mini-goal of being the weight I was the first time I joined Weight Watchers. This time being 182 the struggle to make it back to 150 seems a lot less daunting and intimidating. Why I wonder? I've been giving that a lot of thought. I've already lost this EXACT weight before. I've already had to go through seeing the scale slip down into the 170's, 160's and finally the 150's. I know I can do this part of it. The first 50 seemed damn near impossible. This I've done before and can and will do it again. So then why is it so frigging challenging for me to stay on freaking program?

Is it that I'm on maternity leave and have a tendency to get the boredom hungries. I've been restless and bored as of late. There is so much I could be doing and want to do, but obviously with a baby I can't just spend 8 hours working on a project as I did just two years ago. I'm the kind of person who likes to sit and do something start to finish. There is no leaving something for tomorrow. I like to know that once I start something I'll finish it and be able to move on tomorrow. I've got all these plans in my head like painting the hall, giving my kitchen a face lift...oh the plans I have. I'd rather do it all myself rather then spend lots and lots of money to have someone else do it for me.

I guess that is why I've been so restless as of late. I see the finish line. When we moved into our house we took a lot of "temporary measures" fully expecting to update things within the first five years. We bought this house five years ago this month and I moved in five years ago as of September 25th. I'm done with temporary. I'm ready to work. I say I can see the finish line because our mortgage is up for renewal and with the rates as low as they currently are we are planning on re-financing and will end up paying only $6 more than what we do now. Pretty sweet huh?

My first week without a computer was stellar. My second week (and so far this week) not so much. Again, I'm an emotional eater. I had a less than memorable Mother's Day. You want the first one to be special right? Let's just say I've been trying to forgive and forget.

Back on track today. I'm not going to let a long weekend and dumb food choices ruin my entire week. I can stop the damage here and now. I may not be able to reverse the damage I've already done at least I can't make it worse.

Will post today's food journal tomorrow. I've got a busy week a head of me. Mother Goose with James tomorrow. Thursday involves driving Dad to a Dr. appointment then our first ball game at night. Friday...open right now.

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Week 15 - Taking Time Off

2009-05-08T09:26:00.002-04:00

No, not from Weight Watchers. Things are going so good right now in that regard. I'm taking time away from the computer for a couple of weeks. Now that it is beautiful outside I want to spend more time gardening and playing with James in the backyard. The computer, while served its purpose for me in the first 6 months of his life keeping me sane, is now more of a time hindrance.

I love writing my blog. It keeps me honest and is a place for me to vent my frustrations and record my successes and failures, challenges and rewards. I will miss it. But much like my coffee addiction I'm cutting it out cold turkey...okay I caved with the coffee. I had a cup on Sunday and a cup this morning. The Tassimo is great for that. Will only make a cup at a time. Perfect little pick me up this morning. That way I won't drink enough to get the greasy icky sweats. Bluch. I digress...where was I? Oh yes. Blogging. My computer is acting all funky. I like to think I'm okay around computers but in trying to make more room for my music and picture files, I've inadvertently screwed a few things up...deleted some virus software that old chestnut. Computer is old as it is and slow so it is getting the Daddy Overhaul. Going to the parental unit's place to live for a few weeks to come back all clean, shiny and new.

Hopefully when I am able to blog again I'll be able to share some good news. I'm hoping to make it out of the 180's within the next two weeks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Wish me luck! I can do this in time...how soon will depend on me. Only you can make the change if you want it bad enough.

Cheerio! Kim

Week 15 - Focusing on Other things

2009-05-06T17:30:00.002-04:00

I've been trying to step away from the computer this week. Sure it is my only link currently to the outside world and how I stay in touch with friends but I am slowly coming to the realization that I am not SuperMom and I can't do it all.

Monday was a good day. Didn't do the dvd thing. I did the cleaning thing. Monday's are perfect for that. Get as much done between naps. Don't need to exercise because it is aerobics night.

I inadvertently had an hour nap in the morning on Tuesday. I put James down, went to make our bed and laid down in it thinking I'd just get up when his fishy aquarium stopped. Ummm....there is a reason those things are made to put baby to sleep. I woke up an hour later when James did. Tee hee! That's okay. We made up for it though. After lunch James and I went for a 3.27mile long walk. Gained three activity points for our efforts. Ran into an old teacher from high school. Music teacher. Great guy. But what a talker ;) our usual hour and half long walk ended up being three hours. Of course James and I did stop off at the drugstore and the bank. It is called git r' done! (ugh) Dinner was homemade enchiladas. Mmmm....a Weight Watchers recipe that is quite good. Had two and was more than enough for me.

Today did the dvd thing. Eating is going well. I've figured out how to allot my points better for each meal. 6 for breakfast. 6 for lunch. Leaving 12 for dinner. This way I can get in a fruit/vegetable and a milk in lunch and breakfast, leaving dinner easy enough to plan for knowing exactly how many points I need to use. Makes planning for the day easy. Great...what am I going to do when I break out of the 180's and lose another point?! Of course, at this rate, I won't have to worry about that for another three months. Grrrrr....

POINTS® Tracker entries
Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 1/2 large banana(s) 3
Subtotal 4.5

Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1/2 oz havarti cheese 1.5
Knorr Broccoli Soup - Quick-added food 3
2 tbsp Italian Salad Dressing 0
2 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1.5
Subtotal 6

Evening
2 Weight Watchers Enchiladas - Quick-added food 14
Subtotal 14

Anytime
1 serving(s) Silhouette 0+_Yogurt 1
Subtotal 1

Food POINTS values total used 25.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise
45 min walking, brisk 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3

Week 14 - The Results Blog

2009-05-04T14:18:00.002-04:00

When is a loss not really a loss? When you don't lose all that you gained the week before. Arugh! This week I lost 0.8.

I know I shouldn't obsess so much about my time frame for losing weight. I just really want this done and over with. I'm not helping matters much. I need a weekend home with not eating out or having a busy day to just sit and relax and not use all my flex points in the first two days.

True confessions of a drama queen? Saturday evening the family went to a friends house for a early "summer" bbq. I made a lite macaroni salad and there was chicken and pork chops and a veggie platter. Easy enough to stay with in points right? Not when you have two chicken quarters AND a pork chop. Hey, at least I had to say no to dessert....ice cream and pop have a bad reaction in my tummy. Or no. Wait, I had three mini tarts. Whoopsie!

Sunday wasn't bad at the on-set. Got some yard work done...mowed the lawn, dug a new garden...that kind of stuff. Even had a baseball practice (YAY Softball season! After having to sit last year out I'm really looking forward to this!). I was terrified to play again mainly because of my wrist. Once I got started though turned out okay IMHO. I'm afraid to throw harder though too much force will jam it again...and as a pitcher...it'll keep my wrist straight trying not to tweak it so my pitching will be straighter (I HOPE!).

So the practice wasn't the problem. The Taco Bell *I* suggested we have for dinner after the practice was. So once again I'm in the situation where it is only Monday...5 days away from weigh in and I'm already out of flex points. Why do I knowingly keep doing this to myself? Swear I'm in the habit of self sabotage. Why? Am I that afraid of failing at this that I'm willing to screw myself over? Do I not what it bad enough? Why am I doing this week after week? That is why I need a weekend to myself to sit back, cook a real meal and stay within points all day, everyday for one whole week. At least I am journaling again.

Tonight off to aerobics. Cleaned during James' morning nap no dvd...figured tonight's 8 activity points would be more than enough.

Little man is moving...good day all!

Week ;14 - Whoops. Crap.

2009-05-01T10:19:00.002-04:00

And just like that I am right back where I was. Back at the correct attitude today. I've got no excuses. Had a busy day out and didn't choice the best choice for dinner. Darn those tasty smelling chickens and meal combos at the grocery stores. But when it is 7:00 at night and you still have to cook dinner what else is there to do?

Brought lunch to my parent's house. I didn't have fries or a burger at Wendy's. Had the SMALL chili and sour cream baked potato. Was happy with my lunch. Didn't have any cookies at my parent's. Didn't even look to see if they had any. Came home and had to pick Brad up from the car dealership...long story short he's getting a new tire replaced. Went for groceries from there and was lured in by the deli section. MMmmm roasted chicken. Okay...so I didn't need to eat as many fries as I did. Heck, I didn't need to eat the fries at all...or the potato salad but I did and I can only blame myself. We'll see how weigh in goes tomorrow won't we. Time to seriously get back on track.

No exercise dvd today. No excuse for that either. I'm tired and sore still a little sick. We'll get right back at 'er on Monday. Sunday is the first softball practice of the season. That's exciting. I'm a little nervous for my wrist with the tendinitis since if I move it the wrong way it'll aggravate it all over again...yeah, aggravate it like throwing a ball!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Thursday, April 30, 2009

Morning
2 packet(s) uncooked instant oatmeal with cinnamon and spices 6.5
1 Mint Chocolate Mini Bar - Quick-added food 1
Subtotal 7.5

Midday
1 small serving(s) Chili 4
1 item(s) Sour Cream And Chives Potato 7
Diet Dr. Pepper - Quick-added food 0
Subtotal 11

Evening
1 leg(s) roasted skinless, boneless chicken leg 4
1 cup(s) roasted skinless chicken, chopped or diced 6
1 regular serving(s) Spicy Fries 13
1/2 cup(s) store-bought potato salad 4
Subtotal 27

Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0

Food POINTS values total used 45.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise No entries for exercise.

Week 14 - On again

2009-04-30T10:33:00.003-04:00

When I'm on...I'm on fire. When I'm off I crash and burn.

Amazing dinner last night...or at least I thought so! I made seared (sounds better than fried) Tilupa with a little bit of Sweet Chili sprinkly on it, roasted vegetables (celery, asparagus, carrots, Brussel sprouts all FRESH) and olive oil (okay, a little too much olive oil) and brown rice. Filling and actually a good way to eat vegetables. I actually enjoyed it. Huh. Who'da thought?

And I did what I set out to do. Did the 30 Day Shred in the morning and went for a 5k walk in the afternoon. The pedometer tells me it was 7500 steps and 5k. Not bad! A pleasant afternoon actually! This morning I've already done the DVD thing. A little slower today. The body is a little tight. Not used to all this movement so early in the morning. Plus, the whole no coffee thing is making me a little sluggish. It is true though. The more you move and take care of yourself the better you feel about yourself.

The house is relatively clean and I think James' (and certainly me) is bored. My Dad has a cold (your welcome) but I'm contemplating going over there today. Maybe Mom and I will go shopping. I need out. There is a certain sadness and tension in the house. I'm almost positive Brad is reading my blogs...yet I can't discuss my feelings with him for some reason. It always turns into a fight and he doesn't fight back. I'm thinking maybe he is depressed himself. Other have noticed a change in him and I've been noticing him withdrawing into himself too. He needs to get out more with his friends. Unfortunately he's past the stage in life where that means going out to a bar and drinking ... what else is there to do? The girls and I try to get together once a month for lunch (used to be dinner and drinks)...the group of 7 or 8 of us try a new place, talk then go home. A nice balance to the rest of our busy lives. Brad needs something like that. Or find a friend to go to the gym with. I'm positive if he'd try it, he'd like it. Clears your head and takes away your stress. Heck, there were times I was mulling over a problem at work just to go to the gym at lunch and have the problem solved within 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer. God I miss it!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 tsp Spoonable brown 0
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
1 item(s) whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
2 medium low-sodium dill pickles 0
Subtotal 4

Evening
3 oz cooked tilapia 2
2 tsp olive oil 2.5
1 cup(s) cooked brussels sprouts 0
1 cup(s) cooked celery 0
1 cup(s) cooked carrots 1
1 cup(s) cooked onions 1
1 cup(s) cooked asparagus 0
1 cup(s) cooked brown rice 4
Subtotal 10.5

Anytime
1 serving(s) Just 2 Points Banana Nut Bar 2
1 Arrowroot Cookie - Quick-added food 1
ChocoMint Mini Bar - Quick-added food 1
Subtotal 4

Food POINTS values total used 22
Food POINTS values remaining 2
Exercise 20 min aerobics, high-intensity 3
45 min walking, brisk 3
Activity POINTS values earned 6

Week 14 - Accountability

2009-04-29T10:39:00.002-04:00

I can't keep blaming others for my sins. This occur ed to me last night after I ate dinner.

The story? I am on a cleaning kick. James jumped happily away in his Jolly Jumper yesterday afternoon while I dusted and vacuumed the living room. Together we danced to good retro '80's music. Coincidentally he loves Come on Eileen. Brad called to tell me he was on his way home and asked my least favourite question. "Any thoughts about dinner?" When I spend all my energy cleaning and tidying the house all day, by the time I was done the living room and feeding James his dinner I hadn't even given thought to it. I guess he was craving hamburgers on the BBQ. So he suggested picking up buns and burgers on his way home from work. Not a problem. I had enough points to fit in a burger...a normal burger. I don't know what kind of meat was in this burger but he has clearly forgotten the number one rule of Weight Watchers. ALWAYS read the label. Calories were 410. Fat 31 (!!) and only 1 gram of fiber. Total point value for the burger was 11. 11 freaking points! I'm used to a burger being 6. Plus the bun was 3. So 14 total for this burger. Forget putting on cheese. I only had one. Plus a lovely baby spinach salad. Looking back...a second after he brought them in to the house...I should have said none for me and gotten a chicken breast out of the freezer and had that instead. I prefer it anyway. Lesson learned. Only I can control what I eat no one else. I did okay in that knowing they were 11 points I only had one. So...small victory for me.

Another small victory for me. Today for James' 10:00am nap I didn't go to my computer right away. I got up off my butt and did my 30 Day Shred DVD. I just can't seem to make this a habit though. I'd rather go for a walk. So new way of thinking. I don't really do much during him morning nap so rather than making my computer and link to the "outside world" a priority, I'm only turning on this horrible vice AFTER I've done my workout. This is perfect, it opens it up for doing other things later. I'm planning on taking my new WWers pedometer out for a spin after James' lunch. That way he can nap while we walk.

I think I'm having trouble with priorities. Before in the winter I was putting exercise before all else. Now I'm putting organization and a clean neat house before my health. Must have balance. I'm going to find a way to get to yoga again...missing the meditation. I feel silly doing it all by myself at home. Oh...and I may be kinda cranky for a week or so. I'm giving up coffee...cold turkey. Now that it is summer I don't like the greasy sweats and the racing heart beat...so my energy level may fall drastically.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 tsp Spoonable brown 0
1c low fat milk 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
Knorr Carrot Soup (GROSS) - Quick-added food 3
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 item(s) whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
Subtotal 7

Evening
Super 6 Hamburger Patty - Quick-added food 11
1 1/3 item(s) White Hamburger Bun(s) 3 (the 1/3 is to get the points to reflect what I calculated from the bag)
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Kraft Free Lemon Poppy Seed Dressing - Quick-added food 1
Subtotal 15

Anytime
1 serving(s) Just 2 Points Banana Nut Bar 2
Subtotal 2
Food POINTS values total used 27.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.

Week 14 - WHEN WILL THIS END?!?

2009-04-28T10:24:00.003-04:00

It is raining. Supposed to rain all week. I feel gross though. I got sun burnt yesterday while I was tossing shit angrily around in my garage. I tripped on a board that had a rusty nail sticking out of it while trying to get at my gardening tools. Damn good thing my tentus shot is only three years old. You thought the basement was full of crap? That is nothing. You should see my garage!

I'm not one to complain and complain though. No, let me rephrase that. I am one to bitch and bitch and bitch and then I turn passive aggressive. If I'm not happy with something, I'll change it. I should post the pictures of what the basement looks like now. I took a friend's advice (thanks Karyn!) and made piles. Toss, Donate and Sell. The furnace room is cleaned out. Everything is organized. My toss pile will be going out into the mess that is the garage so that all I have to do is call Got Junk and have 'em haul it and my bad mood away. I'm quite proud of all that I have accomplished in the short spans of time I have while James is asleep. I think I'm doing good in the regard of balance in that way. James doesn't want for attention. We play, we dance, we bounce, we walk and we sing. And in little increments I get organized. Maybe the house isn't as clean as it once was but I do okay. I'm afraid though of burning out and the crash is going to be hard.

So why then, can't I put this determination and energy into my weight loss and exercise? Last night at aerobics it took everything I had left in me out. We did some punching routines and it just drained me emotionally. I have a lot of pent up aggression and releasing just a little bit of it opened the flood gates and after class I found myself embarrassingly crying in the parking lot spilling my heart out to my friends. We had a good talk. Now if only I can have that talk with Brad. I'm afraid he is going to have a heart attack before he is 40 if he doesn't wake up and change his way of life. I did it. I hid the xbox and I must have done it in a fit of rage because today I can't remember where I hid it. Happy Easter! When I was at work I'd go to the gym on my lunch hour. I'd hit the cardio machines sometimes weights for 25 minutes and go back to work refreshed, feeling like I was just starting the day regardless of what argument I'd had at 10:00am with a client. I was at the peak fitness level of my life. I wasn't super thin but I was healthy. I had the best cardio health I've ever had. I was able to jog on the treadmill for 20 minutes straight without stopping at a steady fast pace. It was my outlet. It was my stress relief. It was my salvation. I'm pissed off at my self that now I can't even keep up at aerobics. And I'd feel guilty if I joined say...Curves and left everyday for and hour or so leaving Brad alone with James. Then again...I'm alone with him for 10 hours every day so why should I feel guilty? I have so many conflicting emotions in my that I can't figure out which emotion to run with and make feel better!

Trying my hardest to journal this week. I have my journal and a pencil in my back pocket and before I even take my first bite of food, I am journalling it. James' next nap I'll be surfing for dinner recipes. I have to put this aggression into weight loss. I need an outlet. Have I mentioned that?

POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, April 27, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
Mini Chocolate Min Bar 1
Subtotal 2.5

Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1/4 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained 1.5
Chocolate Caramel Bar 2
Subtotal 5.5

Evening
4 oz cooked chicken fillet 3.5
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
Subtotal 7.5

Anytime
1 serving(s) Sugar Free Peach Iced Tea Mix 0
2 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1.5
2 slices Cinnomon Toast 6
1 tsp margarine 1
Subtotal 8.5

Food POINTS values total used 24
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
45 min aerobics, high-intensity 7
10 min aerobics, low-impact 1
Activity POINTS values earned 8

Week 13 - The Results Blog

2009-04-27T13:03:00.002-04:00

I suck. I suck hard. I gained (as expected) 1.8 pounds. Welcome to my roller coaster. Yes I know why I gained. I didn't journal. I didn't care. I didn't move. I was sick. A lady at the meeting Saturday said sometimes you've just got to allow yourself to be sick. Nuh-uh. I used it as an excuse. I thought poor me. I'm going to gain anyway and I let it happen.

I'm starting to think I don't want this enough. I have become complacent and used to living and eating a certain way. I don't want to have to give up certain things. I want to reward myself or make myself feel better by eating and doing things my way. Why must weight always be at the forefront of my every waking thought? I've got enough other problems.

Today has been a day of reflection for me. I'm through being patient with aspects of my life. Why can't I have nice things now? Important to me are James, my family, my friends and my home. I take great pride in my home and I want it looking nice. I'm sick of it being just a place full of stuff. I'm sick of the gardens and grass being overgrown and weedy. I can't keep everything up and looking nice all on my own. Especially now that I have a baby. Last year when I was pregnant and just didn't give a shit about anyone or anything, nothing got done outside. The hedges didn't just trimmed, the grass cut, my flower beds weeded (during an especially non-morning sickness plagued month I did manage to plant flowers). The house didn't get cleaned...hell...I've done more now that I'm off on mat leave than I did all of last year. I'm especially pissed off that because I couldn't do it at 9 months (37 weeks) pregnant last fall my clay planters didn't get put in the garage. Every last one of them now must be thrown out because each and every one of them have cracked open. THOSE WERE BLOODY WEDDING GIFTS! I asked you to put them away for a reason!!!!

Which leaves me thinking about what is important to my significant other. I don't know what is important to him. I don't think he has the pride in ownership in his home. If he did...he'd help me more at least outside. I'm feeling overwhelmed in life again. I'm feeling like I've got two kids. I am the one responsible for making sure all the bills are paid and that we have money to pay the bills. I'm the one who cleans the bathroom, changes the sheets, does the laundry, sweeps and washes the kitchen floors, disinfects the kitchen counters, weeds the lawn (okay, had the unfortunate opportunity to plant forget-me-nots in a garden last year, they ran rampant and know they are in my lawn), rakes the leaves from the fall and spring out of the hedges, vacuums, dusts, bathes the baby, feeds the baby, does the laundry, makes dinner, brings home 70% of our income AND still finds the occasion to have a bath. Sorry if I'm feeling under appreciated and not like having sex tonight and if I want to have a shower and go right to bed once James is asleep...that's my right. I think my patience has finally come to a slow boil and I've had it. Try and find the xbox now.

With all these feelings of responsibility running wild in my head, it is no reason I want to rebel in some small way and say screw you to Weight Watchers. Yes, I want it bad enough however, I want other things in my life just as bad and maybe if I put my energy into these other things, I'll get it first? Who knows...I just want to shout and scream and cry but it feels like I'm shouting and screaming at a brick wall in an empty room and it doesn't matter to anyone but me.

Week 13 - Obese?

2009-04-24T09:58:00.002-04:00

The good news? I can swallow without tears jumping into my eyes. The better news? I can now stop eating for no other reason than to scratch my throat. The bad news? I'm more than likely 1.5 to 2 pounds up this week.

I didn't journal again this week. I didn't have the best food choices. I don't think that I went overboard with eating.

Obese? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, obese means the following: excessively fat. Syn: corpulent, fleshy, gross, overweight, portly, stout. Oddly enough these are words that I used to describe myself. However, would I consider myself excessively fat? Not really. I'd consider myself flabby. Fat...not in excess though. Maybe I'm delusional? Sure, I'm roll-i-er now than I was a year and a half ago. But I'm not drop in a dead stop and stare fat. Or am I? Gah...I wish I could see me as others see me. LOL...I used to say this exact thing to myself when I was thin too. Maybe I should be more worried about how I see myself!

What has led me to this train of thought? According to BMI scales I have a BMI of 30 (up from 24).

Your BMI is 30: This is above the BMI range of 20-25 which experts generally consider to be healthy. Losing weight would help your health and energy level, plus reduce your risk for disorders such as diabetes and heart disease.

BMI Ranges: Experts generally consider a BMI below 20 to be underweight and a BMI of 20 to 25 to be healthy. BMIs of 25 to 30 are generally considered overweight while a BMI over 30 is generally considered very overweight (obese).

I have to lose 30 more pounds to be considered "healthy". Some times it seems so easy. Other times (like this week) it seems so far away and unattainable. More good news? After crappy weeks like this, I have a really good week and lose the week after.

Wish me luck for Saturday...9:45 am Saturday morning starts a new beginning!

Week 13 - I feel like Poop

2009-04-23T09:50:00.003-04:00

I feel like Poop. Poop warmed over. Poop that has been squished and has been drying on pavements somewhere.

I am never ever venturing into public again for fear of germs. I've been out of germ range for 6 months and they've hunted me down, tranqued me, tagged me and released me back into the wild.

I haven't been journalling. I've been forging for food around the house all week. Am dying for comfort food. Probably will be up this week since I haven't gotten off the couch much and when I have it was to go for lunch with my Mom and I had FRENCH FRIES. In your faces. Karama got me back hard though. Chipped a tooth (again!) slow eroding away.

James isn't taking longer than 45 minute naps which doesn't help me much. He's up there grunting in his crib now. Better go before he wedges himself sideways again and freaks out.

Week 12 - The Results Blog

2009-04-20T09:37:00.002-04:00

If that cat jumps on my key board one more time....anyone want a slightly annoying overly cuddly attention whoring cat?

It was a busy, busy weekend. I didn't stay for the Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday, I did however go to get weighed in. I managed to lose 2.8 pounds! Total weight loss since October 11th has now been 54 pounds! I'm ecstatic! I'm not sure how I managed to lose this week though and am hoping it doesn't catch up with me next Saturday. I didn't journal all week and there wasn't an aerobics class due to Easter Monday. I'm going to have to be really good this week to make sure the sins of my past don't come back to haunt me. Oh...and Brad lost 7. In one week. Not journalling. MEN! No, I'm happy for him really. I hope he sticks with it. When he does, he does amazingly.

I suppose I did do a lot last week. I moved a LOT of heavy stuff, (two sheets of sheet rock together...not bad!) didn't sit on my butt for too long during James' naps, went for walks, got out into the beautiful weather. Yeah, okay, I did better than I thought.

I have bought a food scale now too. No more estimating (under-estimating I'm sure) point values for meat and other things that probably should be weighed. Previously if I couldn't put it in a measuring cup, it didn't get portion controlled. I'm sure I'll be shocked by the actual weight sizes for certain food.

Anyway, back to my busy weekend. I think I did okay as far as eating. No, I didn't journal it. Yes, I am back at journalling now. Saturday was a bit of a stressful morning. Brad had to work in the morning and we went to a birthday party for my cousin way way out in Brampton's Dave and Buster's. I had planned on taking James to my WWers meeting but fortunately Brad got home just in time to watch James while I got weighed in. While I was gone, he took James to my parents so we could head out to be in Brampton by 11...okay, we were late. Got there at 11:30. I did good there. I only had two fajitas...really really really could have had more but limited my self. Even though I didn't want to go I had a really great time and had a lot of fun. Learning that it is okay to leave the safety of my little world every now and then.

Sunday a team of my friends went on a 5K walk for M.S. It was a sunny day (if not a little chilly) took James and again, had a good time WHILE getting exercise. All in all, a good weekend.

Tonight is aerobics. Looking forward to that. Crappy weather is predicted all week, so either back to the basement or exercise dvd. Probably should do some yoga today. My hamstrings are a little tight from all the walking I've been doing lately and want to be able to jump around tonight at aerobics.

Have a good Monday! Bah!

Week 12 - Eating and Sleeping

2009-04-17T09:54:00.002-04:00

I've been solving the world's problems in my sleep as of late. I've been visualizing my house the way I want it. I've been paining my hallway with a new, darker modern colour. I've been dreaming about what James will be like when he grows up, his dreams and accomplishments. I've been gardening, landscaping and renovating. What I'm NOT doing is sleeping.

Last night I tried all my old tricks. Played my alphabet game...for each letter of the alphabet I come up with a band's name. I counted to 1000 both front and back. My head just felt oddly...open. Last night shouldn't have been like that. James and I had a good day. To be cliche he slept like a baby. He got lots for fresh air, jumped in the Jolly Jumper for an hour and had a bath. I did two hours of raking and gathering leaves (stupid hedges). It didn't get down last fall so it was twice as a pain in my butt as usual. Brad must know he's in the dog house. He came home with flowers. I of course couldn't just say thank you. I asked if it were because I'd been complaining he doesn't do stuff like that anymore. I can't just accept a nice gesture. This doesn't mean he's off the hook. Until he accepts and understands that certain things are important to me, I'm probably going to remain pissed off.

I need to focus on putting my negative energy into losing weight. I've been doing so much stuff around the house when James is sleeping that I haven't been walking or exercising. Getting the rest of my life back in order right now is more important than toning my body right now. I'll tone when I get back to work. Now I have to lose weight. I'll just not wear shorts this summer stupid peanut shaped thighs!

Happy weekend all! I've got a team doing the 5K MS Walk on Sunday so I'll get out and get walking!

Week 12 - Back to the Journal

2009-04-16T10:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally but a good day food wise. I wrote everything down and didn't have any chocolate. The Mr. Munchy chocolate bunny in my freezer is no longer calling to me. He can't. He doesn't have a head. No head...no mouth. HA take THAT Mr. Bunny you don't have any power over me anymore.

Had a nice little freak out in my basement and it is looking better already. Oh the plans I have. It is funny that I have (possibly the misplaced belief) that the basement is the key to the rest of my house. See...with the basement finished, the computer goes down stairs (with the litter box bluch) opening my "dining room" for shelving, meaning I'll be able to unpack (and find) all my serving dishes and things to display. All the boxes downstairs full of books and picture albums can get properly displayed. Most of the junk in my furnace area will find a home. AH the dreams I have.

Since I was in a real emotional state (and remained quite busy between baby feedings and changes) didn't have time to snack so the eating part was easy. Especially since we got groceries on Tuesday so I've got my bananas for breakfast and spinach and soup for lunch. Odd how my entire day's success hinges on what I have for lunch.

I'm not looking forward to Saturday. The sins of the past seven days will have to catch up eventually. While cleaning yesterday I found my original record of measurements. My thighs were 24". Now 27" each. No wonder they are chafing again! But I have a plan in the making about exercise now that the semester at the college is almost over...stay tuned hopefully for that announcement and change! That's me...always plotting and scheming!

Week 12 - A Cluttered Mind

2009-04-15T11:26:00.006-04:00

In case you've been checking in, you may have noticed I haven't really blogged this week. I must admit, I haven't really journaled this week either. Not bad. This is the first time in the 6 weeks (I think we're on the 7th week of program) that I haven't journaled for the full 7 days. My motivation is still there. I just have other emotions that are over powering my will and need to lose weight right now.

It may seem like I'm about to go horribly off topic, but stick with me. We'll get to my point eventually. You'll see I have rather er..."strong" emotions about this subject.

We have been in our house for almost 5 years now. It is a cute little 59 year old story and a half. Typical for the city and area we live in. It was a lot of work initially re-decorating. There was a LOT of wall paper and most of the decor was right out of the groovy '60's and I've never been a Beatles fan. Cosmetically, the upstairs and main floor level are okay. Livable. Not what I envision, but that will come all in due time. Three years ago Brad renovated the bathroom. Took 7 months start to finish. I finally had to ask my Uncle for help with my Dad to at LEAST get a bathtub in. (THANK YOU UNCLE SCOTT!!! You'll never know how much that meant to me!) Normally wouldn't be an issue right? We've only got one bathroom.

Brad has great intentions. He's enthusiastic about starting jobs and "seeing" the "big picture". Getting there is the problem. Can YOU work in a space that looks like THIS?

Yep. This is what is being "worked on". I think he's in over his head. HOWEVER he won't ask for help. My Dad while sick, is still more than willing to help. The laundry room part is a total fire hazard:

Yep, notice the water heater in the back corner and the furnace amongst the junk. Safe huh?

Today I decided enough was enough. I've had it. I've officially reached my breaking point. I can't deal with the garbage (I spent an hour cutting up boxes for recycling) and the smell (I found an open bag of cat litter collections and dirty diapers waiting for garbage day). This is the area you see when you first come into my house. This is what sets the first impression for the rest of my house. I done with being embarrassed and pissed off. Starting today it is going to change.

A cluttered and messy home leads to a cluttered and messy lifestyle. I'm not faulting Brad for not coming home from work and working downstairs. I am faulting him for Sundays playing video games. I'm not okay with laziness and refuse to be dragged down into it. It doesn't really scream motivation to do stuff myself when the other person is sitting there playing games. ARUGH! He has no energy anymore and at 311 it is no wonder. I love him dearly I really do. He's got a heart of gold but somethings got to give. Letting it continue is acceptance and acceptance will lead to my own weight gain and I'm not okay with that.

Funny how your environment can effect your mood (talk to me about my motivation?) and eating habits. I haven't been exercising as of late because I'm constantly cleaning and tiding up. I hate left over dinner dishes. They get in the way. Okay. Maybe I'm anal and a clean freak but I can't live in mess or clutter. It leads to lethargy and I'm not lazy!

Now I'm rambling. I had a point in there. My head hurts and I can't think straight. James is asleep again so I'm off to the dungeon to get more done.

Week 12 - No One can be Perfect all the Time!

2009-04-13T10:23:00.002-04:00

Whoops. The best intentions right? Ever have a mini egg? Those gloriously candy coated little chocolate eggs that just melt in your mouth? I sat down, saw the bowl and all my good intentions and pep talks to myself went out the window. Sooo good. Then I told myself I'd keep count of how many I ate, just so I knew how many flex points I've used. Open window out to the wind. Oh. Then there was an incident with a Cream Egg. My favourite ever. Bite into make your teeth hurt sweetness. That at least is 4 points and I can only manage to eat one before going into a sugar coma.

That's okay. Back on track today right? The weather forecast looks beautiful all week. Walking, 30 Day Shred and lots of water. No aerobics tonight thanks to Easter Monday. What is Easter Monday anyway? Anyone actually have it off? I think it is an excuse so kids don't go back to school the day after eating too much sugar.

Oh! Oh! OH! I forgot to mention. Yesterday and Saturday I was able to wear my Engagement ring for the day! Another one of my mini goals down! It got a little difficult talking it off at night but I was able to wear it. WOOO HOOO!

I'm off to my parent's for lunch and hopefully a walk.

Good day!

Week 11 - The Results Blog

2009-04-12T13:59:00.002-04:00

Wow, weigh in and the meeting seem so long ago now. Official loss for week 11 is 1.8 pounds. I was hoping for better results but I'll take it. At home I was down to 184. "Official" Weight Watchers weight is 186.8 (which is what the scale at home told me too before I left for the meeting). I KNEW baking Friday wasn't such a good idea but Peanut Butter Balls seemed like such a good way of saying thank you to Brad's boss for the Jay's tickets at the time.

Again, I'm looking at this whole weight loss thing the wrong way. If I want to get really technical about my loss, I've lost 51.9 pounds since October which, really is nothing to sneeze at. For some reason I can't get past that the first 32 pounds that came off right away really count for anything. But they DO don't they? I mean I was 238 at my final doctor appointment. I could have said screw everything and managed to maintain that weight but I didn't. I got to work immediately (okay, a month after) James was born and made the decision to lose the weight as quickly as possible. I guess because it initially did come off so fast I don't think it really counts. But if I want to tell people I gained 85 pounds while pregnant then dammit, I'm going to tell them I lost 52 pounds to date!

This Easter weekend has been a breeze (so far!) as far as staying on track has been. I haven't been journalling unfortunately but I am sticking to my usual schedule and food choices. This is also (so far) my first Chocolate-less Easter. We're not religious people in the least (please don't ask me my views, that is another blog entirely ;) ) but to each their own right? Since Easter isn't a religious event in this house hold, it is (unfortunately) about chocolate and family...and food. So far I haven't missed the chocolate and James is obviously much too young for it, making this year quite easy. I cleaned the house this morning, organized a closet and am preparing for the family. My parents I can guarantee there will be chocolate all over the house. It is now up to me to decide if I want 150 bad enough or if I want chocolate bad enough. Dinner will be easy...everything else will be hard.

Wish me luck and am wishing everyone a very Happy Easter!

Week 11 - Forget belt loops...How about a new SIZE?

2009-04-09T09:45:00.002-04:00

I guess patience truly is a virtue...one of which I do not possess. After my blog on Sunday about how depressed I was about trying on jeans at Old Navy did I mention I bought them as added motivation? Life lesson #54,234. Don't try on a new jean size while you have PMS and are expecting your little gift from Mother Nature. I suppose I was retaining water because today, right now, as I sit here writing this blog, I am wearing those size 12's that had me crying in the change room!

I feel great! The sun is shining and we're off to the big city to catch the Jays' game today! Mom is watching James and I think I'm more excited about having a day off being Mommy. Is that bad? Of course I've packed basically the entire house to bring to my parents. All his favourite toys and of course his Jolly Jumper. That boy is going to have legs of steal! It is so cute. When I'm doing my aerobics or yoga, I'll put him in it and he'll happily jump around with me, squealing the entire time. Best invention and shower gift ever!

I can't wait for weigh in this Saturday (have I mentioned that about a billion times already?). However immediately after weigh in I'll have two Easter dinner's to deal with. I'm nervous for the challenge. It will be the first actual "holiday" that I'm taking Weight Watchers seriously. The game plan. Vegetables go on the plate first followed by meat and potatoes. Watch portion sizes and it is okay to not have dessert (unless of course it is apple pie at Mom's house, anything else I'm okay with not eating). Still have quite the aversion to wine due to a drinking "incident" Christmas 2007...and not drinking since (partially due to the incident and majorly due to the baby). And of course the challenge of going to the ball park today. Of course the lure of a $20 hot dog doesn't really do anything for me.

Was a little over my daily point allotment for yesterday, but was under the day before so it works out in the end. Or WOULD have if Weight Watchers were still using Winning Points. Banking points made more sense to me at the time...but am getting used to Flex points. I went shopping with my Mom in the afternoon and had lunch at their house so did a little more snacking than I'd like, but kept it within check.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Morning
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5

Midday
Campbell's Italian Wedding Soup 2
Crackers 2
1 Arrowroot Cookie 1
Almond Thinsation 2
Subtotal 7

Evening
2 slices Cheese rising crust pizza 10
4 item(s) Teriyaki chicken wings 4
Subtotal 14

Anytime
1 bar(s) Chocolate caramel 1
Special K Mocha Bar 2
Subtotal 3

Food POINTS values total used 29
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Week 11 - SInk or Swim

2009-04-08T10:13:00.002-04:00

Wow. I'm either on fire or out to lunch with this Weight Watchers thing. This week I'm a woman a'fire. Yesterday was another good day. I expect big results Saturday. I've got some challenges coming up so I've got to get my butt in gear.

I've been thinking what has been different this time around with the program. First, I'm 9 years older. I was 21 the first time I started WWers. Myth or fact that it is easier for the young to lose weight? I know I gain weight so much easier on my 30 year old body than I did on my 20 year old body. I refuse to accept this is me now however. I've always considered this weight gain as temporary. I have no intention of it becoming permanent and accepting this as me now. Once I lose the mentality of a temporary gain, I lose my motivation.

The first time I joined, I was in a very bad time, place and stage of my life. I had just graduated college. Moved out of my home to live in Etobicoke and work in downtown Toronto. I hated my job. I hated being away from my family. I hated Toronto. I do miss the subway and their public transit system however. I thought every aspect of my life at that time was how it was and how it was going to stay. I felt the only thing I could change was the way I felt about myself and the way I looked. I controlled the one and only thing I could...my weight. Life around me may have been bleak but I attacked the program with a fury and loved it. I even had a couple co-workers (once I changed to a better job at a better ad agency) join because of the progress I made. I felt better about myself and even my job. Being away from my family was still horrible. I eventually had a quarter-life crisis and changed all that too! But that is another story for another blog all together :D

Money. At the time I joined for 6 months at a time (I still do) and it was a LOT of money for someone who was earning a piddly income. I didn't want the money to go to waste. If I was going to join a program, I was going to make damn sure I didn't just throw $300 out the door. That's the beauty of Weight Watchers. If you can make it to goal and stay there (within two pounds) you never have to pay again. I will get there again. Brad and I are by no means rolling in the money, we are however comfortable (who knows how much longer that will be in today's economy though). Sure I could have taken that money and put it toward a gym membership or blinds for the front picture window so I stop giving the neighbours a free show every night...but decided this would be a better use for my money. I'm all about spending...but spending wisely.

In the end, I'm glad I rejoined. I don't think I could have done this on my own again. Sometimes you just need a reminder why you're doing this and what is going on in your life to help assist with your "journey".

POINTS® Tracker entries
Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Morning
1 small banana(s) 1.5
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
Subtotal 5

Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
2 tbsp Italian Salad Dressing 0
1/4 oz Mild marbled cheddar cheese 0.5
250 ml Knorr Autumn Vegetable Soup 2
Subtotal 2.5

Evening
1 Chicken Enchilada (homemade!) 9
Subtotal 9

Anytime
1 bar(s) Peanut butter bliss 1
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
64 oz water 0
200 ml Source Yogurt 2
Subtotal 3

Food POINTS values total used 17.5
Food POINTS values remaining 6.5

Exercise
20 min aerobics, high-intensity 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3

Week 11 - Muscle Fatigue

2009-04-07T09:53:00.003-04:00

Good morning! Yesterday was one heck of a busy day. Between playing, feeding and changing James, cleaning the bathroom and laundry I managed to get in 45 minutes of yoga. It's all about time management. Okay, time management and working up the will to do it...or pumping yourself so full of caffeine that you just can't sit still or your head will explode. I really don't like the taste of coffee at all. I drink it black. I love the smell...hate the taste. I drink it for the greater good. I am NOT a morning person at all. You wouldn't like me decaffeinated.

By the time it was time to go to aerobics, I didn't want to get off the couch. I tried to get my energy level up by choosing wisely and smartly before I went. Wasn't happening. I couldn't put a bounce in my step or raise my legs for the life of me. I had a fruit smoothie (well...a "Smooth-eez) and a slice of bread with a tablespoon of peanut butter on it before I went. Didn't help much this time around. Things are all or nothing with me unfortunately. I can go hard and heavy for a day and then crash the rest of the week. If only I could keep this momentum up all week; I'd be GOLDEN!

Today will be 30 Day Shred Day. Can't stop now...I didn't lose many inches this time around. Hadn't been exercising much lately.

Waist : 34" (lost 1")
Chest : 39" (same)
Hips : 41" (lost 1/2")
Left arm : 13" (same)
Right arm : 13" (same)
Left thigh : 27" (lost 1")
Right thigh : 27" (lost 1 1/2")

I'll also be looking up and researching hip, butt and thigh slimming exercises on-line today. If I'm ever going to go down a jean size, these are the body parts I've got to focus on. Yeah...good luck with that right?!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, April 06, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 small banana(s) 1.5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5

Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
250ml Knorr Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato soup 2
2 tbsp Italian Salad Dressing 0
100 ml Source Yogurt 1
Subtotal 3

Evening
1 serving(s) Pineapple coconut dream 4
1 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 1
1 tbsp peanut butter 2
Subtotal 7

Anytime
1 bar(s) Peanut butter bliss 1
1 Whole Wheat Pita 3
Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast 5
Subtotal 9
Food POINTS values total used 24
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
45 min aerobics, high-intensity 7
15 min aerobics, low-impact 1
45 min Yoga 1
Activity POINTS values earned 9

Week 11 - Mis-shapen Body

2009-04-06T11:42:00.003-04:00

Wow! James will be six months next week on the 11th. Time sure flies when you're bumbling about day to day. He's much more interactive and now that we're in a routine, I'm feeling more confident in my ability not to kill him.

Yesterday I managed to get out of the house all by myself and take some time for me. Nothing really special. Got my hair cut. Back to the shorter, shoulder length hair with a little layering so the curl is curl and not frizz. Then I decided to torture myself by going jean shopping since the one pair I have now are falling off me...and tend to get stinky by the end of the week.

I'm currently in a size 14. Went to the mall to use my Old Navy gift card. Nothing makes you feel worse about yourself than trying on clothes that don't fit. I had forgotten what it was like to go into a change room and not be able to wear the style of jean you picked out. I have the classic hourglass figure. Which I liked to flaunt before I was pregnant with tight little tee-shirts (I have quite the collection of female superhero shirts...kinda a thing with me). What this means for me now is while I may have a littler waist (I'll be posting my new measurements tomorrow) my butt and thighs prevent me from wearing a smaller size. The only way I got rid of this problem last time was 25 minutes on the elliptical trainer five days a week...I'm still 6 months away from that. The good news? I could get the size 12's up...just don't ask me to close them around my hips...and my thighs are not pretty in tight pants. Frustrating. I had forgotten all about what it feels like to cry in a change room. I bought 'em though. I will be in them by summer I swear it on my own pride.

Got some gardening done yesterday. I think we're single handedly responsible for the snow today southern Ontarians. Brad cut the grass yesterday ;) Not a lot got done around the house last year both inside and out. I couldn't be bothered (have I mentioned yet this month how much I HATED being pregnant?!) and Brad? Well...he's Brad.

He's trying hard I think. He didn't have his usual 20 point weekend breakfast yesterday. So he's making little changes to start. I'm proud of him. I don't think he's resistant to Weight Watchers. He's done it before by attending meetings with me with a lot of success. I just think he can't be bothered on his own. So I am once again the puppet master and by controlling him, I control me. Go team!

Aerobics tonight. I think I'll try a fruit smoothie before I go. When I get back, two eggs on toast (thanks for the article Donna!). I am feeling good about this week. I need a big loss week to get me back into the "game".

Good eating everyone!

Week 11 - The Results Blog

2009-04-05T18:10:00.002-04:00

ARUGH!

What is wrong with me? Why can't I "get" it? I am back up again this week and am frustrated as all out hell. Frustrated. Upset with myself. Impatient. Pissed off. Depressed. Sad. Annoyed. If it a negative emotion, name it and I'm feeling it.

Sure it is only 0.4 of a gain. But that now means that I've been back at meetings for 6 weeks now and I've only lost 5.8. I'm not happy with those results. I've been at this a really long time. Since I was 21. I should be better at this. I know what the problem is. Now I just have to convince myself that by changing it and fixing it I'll lose quicker. I'm too busy comparing my progress to others and beating myself up that I SUCK AT THIS. I'm letting myself down and I'm letting my "loyal readers" down. ARUGH!

Okay. Changes I have made. 1. Didn't refuse the little paper journal they give out each week. Took it and am making my husband's life a living hell. That's right. I'm tracking his points and making him do this with me regardless if he wants to or not. You're in Spring training now baby, your ass is mine. 2. NO MORE PROCESSED FOOD (or to the best of my capability). 3. NO MORE SNACKING regardless if they are 1 point bars or not. Have more than 1 and they are no longer 1 point. 4. VEGETABLES. BLUCH. Enough said.

Saturday I did good. Friends went over to the States with us. I ordered the best I could when we had lunch. I had a turkey burger, left off the mayo, no cheese and had steamed broccoli as the side. Who the hell orders broccoli as a side? Me apparently. Bluch and bluch. I hate cooked vegetables. BLUCH. But I ate them. And I ate them all...with minimum bitching.

POINTS® Tracker entries

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Morning
1 small banana(s) 1.5
100 ml Source Yogurt 1
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 2.5

Midday
1 item(s) hamburger bun(s) 3
Bucket o'Diet Pepsi 0
1/2 pound(s) frozen turkey burger(s) 12.5
1 cup(s) cooked broccoli 0
Subtotal 15.5

Evening
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 pouch(es) Sourdough pretzel thins 2
Subtotal 3.5

Anytime
100 ml Source Yogurt 1
2 bar(s) Chocolate caramel 3
Subtotal 4

Food POINTS values total used 25.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

POINTS® Tracker entries

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 small banana(s) 1.5
100 ml Source Yogurt 1
Subtotal 4

Midday
1 item(s) whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Subtotal 4

Evening
5 oz cooked pork loin, lean and fat 6.5
1 medium potato, baked 2.5
1 cup(s) cooked broccoli 0
1 oz cooked carrots 0
1 oz frozen brussel sprouts 0
Subtotal 9

Anytime
Med. Skinny Vanilla Bean Latte 3
1 medium baby carrots 0
Subtotal 3

Food POINTS values total used 20
Food POINTS values remaining 4

Exercise
20 min gardening, digging 1
Activity POINTS values earned 1

Week 11 - Walking Disaster

2009-04-03T09:53:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I went for a nice long walk with a friend. It was a beautiful day along a beautiful trail. The sun was out. We saw snakes and butterflies, birds and squirells. Fresh air. Sun burned face. Felt the burn. So then why did I get home and feel terrible?

I don't know why but when I got home I felt lonely and very hungry. Points didn't go so well yesterday. Did a lot of snacking that I didn't write down as I ate it so I've lost track of what I put in my mouth. I was more stressed out than when I started out. As I was feeding James dinner people (kids) kept knocking on my screen door (I couldn't ignore them because it was open) asking for money.

Brad worked late. I had a headache. I was tired. Cranky. James kept pooping every ten minutes. Thank god this week is over.

He's awake now. Got to go.

Week 11 - Being Honest with my Journal

2009-04-02T09:38:00.002-04:00

There is a saying at the end of each Weight Watchers meeting including the phrase: If you bite it you write it. Makes sense. Often there are times when I'll say to myself, it was only the last bit of cheese that was too small to grate, it was nothing. Yeah? That one 1/2 oz piece of cheese was 1pt which if I do several times a day (a hand full of Cheerios here, a cracker there) it all adds up.

This thought occurred to me the other day when I made turkey burgers for dinner. Each burger included a bit of egg and bread crumbs. I then melted about an ounce of cheese onto each burger under the broiler. I wasn't going to include the cheese in my point calculation. Then thought to myself...well why wouldn't I? Sure I can lie to my blog readers and make it seem to them that I had an awesome day. I can lie to my journal and final point total at the end of the day. Hell...I can even lie to myself by telling myself it was only a taste, it didn't count. But (and yes, I know this whole post has been cliche) I CANNOT lie to the scale. The scale will know that I forgot to include the handful of french fries last Saturday that came with the pizza combo (okay, that I honestly forgot about until last night when I couldn't sleep). The scale will know about the little bit of Cheerios that were in the measuring cup that created a little mound. Hey, it is still a cup as long as it all fits in the measuring cup right? I've tried to be as honest as possible with myself, my blog and my journal this week. We'll see how it all turns out in two days.

I'm actually quite proud of myself for yesterday. I managed to get in 3 servings of milk and 5, yes FIVE servings of fruits and vegetables! It was actually easier than I thought it would be. YAY me! And I tried to change up what I ate a little. Shake it up a bit. Changed my breakfast slightly and eliminated the sandwich I usually have for a spinach salad. Plus got in 20 minutes of my 30 Day Shred video. Today is gorgeous so a friend and I are going for a walk. The rest of the week looks like it is going to rain though. Soon enough the better weather will be here...I hope.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
1 small banana(s) 1.5
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
100 ml Source Yogurt 1
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
Subtotal 6

Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Knorr Cream of Broccoli Soup 3
2 tbsp Lemon Poppy Seed Dressing (PC is CRAP) 2
32 oz water 0
1 medium baby carrots 0
Subtotal 5

Evening
3 oz cooked centre loin pork, lean and fat 4
1/2 cup(s) cooked white rice 2
Steamed Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrot mix 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 tbsp Italian Dressing on vegetables 1
Subtotal 9

Anytime
100ml Lemon Meringue Parfait Source Yogurt 1
1/2c Chocolate Fat Free Pudding 2
1 bar(s) Chocolate caramel 1
Subtotal 4

Food POINTS values total used 24
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
20 min aerobics, high-intensity 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3

Week 11 - If I Only had a Brain!

2009-04-01T10:28:00.002-04:00

Do you ever see food and all thought goes out the window? I do. I like to try new things. Especially "snacky" foods. When we go grocery shopping I'll see some new thing to try and as soon as we get home (literally) I'll be putting things away, tear open a box and find myself eating whatever it is. I did this last night. Eventually I will learn not to even bring these types of things into the house in the first place. Last night it was Special K's new Mocha bars. I'm a sucker for anything coffee flavoured (anyone know of any coffee flavoured hard candy or vegetable?)

I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been a coffee flavoured ice cream. Okay, THAT I have enough sense to not bring into the house and even when Brad brings ice cream home, I'm able to avoid it. I must be missing a female gene. I'm not a fan of ice cream. So I ended up going over my points by 5.5 points. Whoopsy. Good thing I went for a very brisk hour walk. Gotta get those activity points in. I've earned 17 this week...and have used 11. Tee hee.

Today will be a good one. I have my whole day planned out. It is actually pathetic. I couldn't sleep last night, planning out my day. Most excited about my lunch. Baby Spinach Salad. Too bad I forgot mandarin oranges! I love salad! I am just lazy. I HATE cooking. Hurry up and retire Pam so you can come and be my personal chef. I NEED YOU!!!

POINTS® Tracker entries
Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) Multi-Grain Cheerios Plus 2
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 4

Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 item(s) whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
1 large Minestrone Campbell's Soup 1
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Subtotal 5

Evening
1 oz Marble Cheese 3
4 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 5
2 pattie(s) Turkey, ground, 93% lean/7% fat, cooked 8
Subtotal 16

Anytime
1 bar(s) Peanut butter bliss 1
1/2 cup(s) canned pineapple, packed in juice 1.5
2 Special K Mocha Bar 2
Subtotal 4.5

Food POINTS values total used 29.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
60 min walking, brisk 4
Activity POINTS values earned 4

Week 11 - REALLY? Week 11 already?

2009-03-31T10:09:00.002-04:00

Week 11?? Why am I not back in my old pants? Or at the very least my sweaters? Obviously my original goal of losing 50 pounds by May was unrealistic. Some people can do it. I guess I'm not one of them. I DO NOT want to take 2 years to lose it like the first time but it seems like I'm headed that way. Which is totally going to suck because by then I may want another baby.

The thought absolutely horrifies me. Why am I losing this weight just to possibly regain it again and go through this depression and self loathing and hard work just to get pregnant and gain all over again? Second time will be different. The first thing I'm going to ask the doctor is to send me to a nutrionialist (um...can't spell this one and spell checker doesn't recognize it...guess I'm not even close ;) ). The second thing would be continue to go to the gym on my lunch hours (like I planned this time and couldn't). I will not get lazy. I'll will tell you one thing for sure. It isn't going to happen unless I get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight that's for DAMN sure.

Yesterday was good. I have to be a super saint this week to ensure I don't gain due to my wondrous weekend of pizza, wings and garlic bread (my typical weekend fare before getting pregnant and it didn't bother me at the time...gee was it because I'd work my ass off at the gym?!!). I'm committed to it. Brad knows the situation and is on board, helping me out the best he can which is going to be a huge asset to me. If I can get him helping me, I'll be all the more successful. That includes not suggesting things he'll know I'll say yes to and sending me out of the kitchen when I wander in there to forge like a forest animal.

Let's see yesterday I did 15 minutes of the Jillian Michael's Wii 2009 Fitness Ultimatum game. Don't know how good of an "exercise" routine it is but at least I wasn't just sitting doing nothing for 15 minutes and the jogging in place is actually really really hard. During James' afternoon nap did 45 minutes of yoga and of course 45 minutes of high impact aerobics last night (and 15 minutes of low impact). Total of 7 activity points. Plan on going for a walk this afternoon.

Food wise, still a lot of processed food and not enough "natural" food. Still need more vegetables and less snacking. Monday's are difficult though. I'm now finding a peanut butter sandwich before aerobics gives me enough energy to keep up but not enough to sustain me for the rest of the night. Need to find something to eat after the class that is light. Last night it was a hot dog.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, March 30, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) Multi-Grain Cheerios Plus 2
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
1 bar(s) Chocolate caramel 1
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5

Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 item(s) whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
250ml Campbell's Minestrone Soup 2
32 oz water 0
Subtotal 6

Evening
1 tbsp peanut butter 2
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 bar(s) Peanut butter bliss 1
Subtotal 5

Anytime
1 item(s) regular hot dog, beef or pork 5
1/2 cup(s) canned pineapple, packed in juice 1.5
1 pouch(es) Sourdough pretzel thins 2
1 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 1
Subtotal 9.5

Food POINTS values total used 25.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
45 min aerobics, high-intensity 7

Activity POINTS values earned 7

Wow. 9.5 points for "anytime" food? Not good. Though it does include my pre-workout meal.

Week 11 - Confession is Good for the Soul

2009-03-30T09:49:00.002-04:00

This is going to hurt. But I'm gonna do it. I'm going to be accountable for what I did this weekend. This way if I have a very small loss or a large gain next Saturday I'll know exactly why.

POINTS® Tracker entries
Saturday, March 28, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) Multi-Grain Cheerios Plus 2
1 bar(s) Oats & chocolate 2
16 oz water 0
Subtotal 4

Midday
1 cup(s) Italian wedding 2
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1/4 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained 1.5
Subtotal 5.5

Evening
1/2c LOAF Garlic Bread w/CHEESE 12
8 item(s) Honey Garlic Chicken Wings 9.5
4 slices Thin Crust Veggie Pizza 12
Subtotal 33.5

Anytime
2 bar(s) Chocolate caramel 3
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
1 pouch(es) Sourdough pretzel thins 2
Subtotal 5

Food POINTS values total used 48
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
60 min walking, leisure 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3

POINTS® Tracker entries
Sunday, March 29, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) Multi-Grain Cheerios Plus 2
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
Subtotal 4

Midday
2 Slices Thin Crust Veggie Pizza 6
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Subtotal 6

Evening
1/2 medium cooked sweet potato 1
1 item(s) cooked chicken fillet 3
1/2 cup(s) Kraft Dinner 3.5
Subtotal 7.5

Anytime
2 bar(s) Chocolate caramel 3
2 slices Thin Crust Veggie Pizza 12
2 bar(s) Peanut butter bliss 2.5
1 bar(s) Oats & chocolate 2
Subtotal 19.5

Food POINTS values total used 37
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Exercise
No entries for exercise.

Going over my food intake and my points for the weekend actually helped me. Huh. It has made me realize that maybe this week will be salvageable so long as I get my activity points in for the week. Wow. That has actually motivated me to get out and move. Unfortunately the weather forecast for the week is wet wet wet with the exception of Thursday (for now). Aerobics restarts tonight and not a week too late. That'll earn me 7 points tonight a good starting point. I promise myself to do yoga today during James's afternoon nap and my Biggest Loser dvd the rest of the week. Out for a walk Thursday (whatdoyousay buddy, I'll e-mail you!). Oh and drink the equivalent of Lake Erie in water.

I will not let one bad weekend discourage me. See? This is why I'm keeping a blog. It is really really helping me. Normally I wouldn't have bothered with figuring out my points and would just assume the week was lost and make matters worse than I thought. Maybe that is the meaning of being accountable. I will turn this around. Wish me good luck...I'm going to need it.

Week 10 - The Results Blog

2009-03-29T18:27:00.002-04:00

Another successful weigh in! This week I managed to lose 1.2 pounds this week. That means I've now lost a total of 6 pounds since rejoining Weight Watchers 5 weeks ago. Still having mixed emotions about it. I'm happy to obviously be losing. I've lost consistantly for five weeks in a row. Unfortuately with the exception of the first week's disappointing loss of 0.6 my progess is slowing down. However, I still am impatient and was expecting the weight loss to go much quicker than it is.

Okay. Big picture. Since having the baby I've lost a total of 49.8 pounds with only 38.2 ;eft to go. I'm more than half way there. And I've lost that 49.8 pounds in just under 6 months. That has got to be something to be proud of right? I've got the determination to do it. I've got the fight to do it. I just don't have the patience to do it.

This week has been a bad one. I counted all the points I used yesterday. I was good in that we went for a family walk on a Saturday and I earned 3 activity points. Then we had pizza, wings and garlic bread (with cheese!) and I ate like I used to (and used to be able to when I was going to the gym five days a week). I had all but 8 Flex points left (out of 35). No problem. I kept track. I was still looking good. Today I'm tired and getting a cold I do believe. I'm exhausted, sore throat and headachey. Started eating about 2 in the afternoon and I stopped at 6. I'm going to write it all down but doubt I'm going to bother to count the points I just used up. Positive side? Aerobics starts again tomorrow so I'll get out of the house and do some sort of exercise. Bad side? Probably see a gain next Saturday which'll frusturate me all to hell.

I'm just tired. Tired of the colder weather. Tired of my living room. Tired of spending all day cleaning only to have it end up in more of a mess in less than two hours. Tired of the mess in my basement which has now seeped into the one spot I tried to keep clear down there for my laundry. Tired of the mess in the garage. Tired of things falling apart in the house. Tired of having to be the nag. Tired tired tired. One day. Just one day of sleeping in until noon and not feeling guilty about leaving the husband to look after the baby. One day away from the baby and my responsibilities. Tired of being responsible. Somehow managed to forget to pay the gas bill last month. Whoops. Tired of being the one who has to take the initative to figure out our budget and make sure things are paid and one time. TIRED TIRED TIRED.

Huh. Maybe that's why I took a mini break from counting points these past two days. I have too much else to worry about in my head. Did I mention that we're also having to get a new roof? I'm the one putting out the call for quotes? But...I'm no dummy. I made 'em call his cell phone. Ha! Passed of that one!

Anyone got a bag of Dill Pickle Chips? Anyone? Anyone?