Obviously I am back to work at this point.  It has been a challenge to my ability to keep my life and my brain together.  I think if I were able to just sit back and think about it, I would break down.  Still on my medication and at times I wish I weren't.  You know how sometimes, you wish you could just sit in a room, alone, and just have a good cry?  That's what I need, but no matter how hard I try when I do have a spare moment, the tears just won't come.

I'm ashamed to admit it, I am happy to be back at work.  I hate the new format of the office and the environment that the new office is in.  It has a lot of potential.  A lot of potential.  It just isn't operating to it's full extent.  Every morning I go into work to a full voice mail box.  I am usually able to return those calls by noon, go for lunch, have the box fill up again and as I'm returning those calls, the box fills up again...and so on and so on.  This is while juggling in person visits, the paper work that comes from the issues the visits and calls bring and don't forget emails!  I'm trying to go to the gym on my lunch hour, but often find myself working through just to try and get a head.  I'm not used to being inefficient and giving horrible customer service.  I'm trying my best, but unfortunately it just isn't good enough.

Near the end of my maternity leave though, I was ready to go back to work.  I would never cut it as a full time, stay at home mother.  I love my kids.  I really do.  They are my pride and the love of my life.  I just don't know what to do with them all day!  It would break my heart when I was trying to do something around the house like fold laundry or do the dishes and James would be trailing behind me "Mommy, will you play with me?".  I don't ever remember my parents playing with us as kids.  Not that that was a bad thing.  I want James to be able to amuse himself.  But it still kills me to think he may be lonely.

I haven't been able to lose any weight.  I'm still playing with the same 5 pounds lost since January.  I'm eating because I'm lonely.  I've been back to work almost 2 months now and I'm really lonely.  Yes, I have my kids, yes, I'm back to playing softball...but I"m lonely.  With Brad working shifts, and off every other weekend, we don't see each other much.  Not that I necessarily would want to see him anyway.  I'm still really pissed off and annoyed with him.  I"m not supposed to be living pay cheque to pay cheque.  This new job feels like it has been all for naught.  He's working lots of overtime and bringing in decent money for a change, but it all goes to his debt.  I'm constantly stressing over bills and money, making sure we have enough money to pay our regular bills on top of the line of credit, and he keeps spending it.  I'm making sacrifices, doing without and it is no skin off his back.  

I'm eating to fill the voids.  Eating to keep myself "happy".  However, it isn't making me happy, it is making things worse.  Much, much worse.  It just seems like nothing is ever going to get any better on any front and I just don't have the patience to stick any of it out.

Something has to give.  At work.  In my relationship.  In my own way of thinking.