Being trying desperately to get my head and heart back into this. This time around I just can't get motivated (if that goddamn motorcycle just woke up James people will DIE!).
I'm finding it hard to sit down and do the computer thing. It wastes a lot of time and now that it is nice out while James is napping I'd much rather be outside weeding the garden, watering my plants, reading the newspaper on the patio...living life ya know. However it seems without e-mailing my friends my journal, updating my online Weight Watchers journal and writing my blog, I lose the little drive and motivation I do have. So I'm going to try and give it another go.
I've been trying to look inwards again to find out what is different and why I'm feeling the way I have been lately. I've slipped into an utter depression to the point where family members visited the house yesterday and I'm ashamed to say I hid upstairs in my room crying. They probably think I'm the rudest person in the entire world, but I just couldn't bring myself to go down the stairs. The laundry baskets were downstairs and the clothes that fit me were in them. I tried to get dressed but couldn't find a goddamn thing I felt comfortable enough to be seen in by someone other than Brad or my parents.
And there it is. Right there. This time I don't feel just fat. I feel so utterly unattractive and ugly. Since giving birth my previously unruly but manageable with a lot of product and work hair has taken on its own life. So in my brilliantness I thought maybe a change of colour would help. I get bored of my hair and dye it maybe once a year. I last dyed it just before I found out I was pregnant and hated the colour I used then...picked up the same colour again forgetting it was what I used the last time. So now I have a hair "style" (for lack of a better word) I hate and a colour that is so the other side of natural looking it is a good thing I love hats.
In my previous life in the summer time I like wearing tight clothes. I liked to tell myself not tight in a way that people grimaced but tight in a way to show off the figure. Now they are tight in a "WHOA she should not be wearing that" sort of way. I have no clue how to dress this new me. Usually I'm pretty confident in my personal life now I'm hiding in a house while it is beautiful outside. I just want to hide from the entire world but the world keeps finding me.
On the good side, the baseball season has started again and it is EXACTLY what I need right now in my life. Not for the socialization. Actually I stayed away from most of my friends at the last game...trying to get my head in it. I felt the most like me at that first game than I had since February 2008. Sure I can't wear my cute little short jean shorts to play anymore (no one needs to see that) sure I tried to kill the ball and didn't have a good two games at bat but I was ME. For two hours I wasn't a Mommy (um guilty feelings much?) I wasn't on maternity leave no one was judging me on my parenting skills. I was just a pitcher for the Angry Scotsmen. I was having fun. I'm so excited for this week. It is going to be extremely busy but we've got games three days in a row! A regular season game on Thursday and a tournament Friday, Saturday and possibly Sunday. I hope my parents will be able to come and watch was play. They'll be watch James and I'd like him to see Mommy and Daddy playing. But Dad isn't well. And the park we play at isn't really ideal for his illness. I think that is weighing heavily in the back of my mind too...hoping Dad will get better so that he can enjoy doing things with his grandson. I had a close relationship with my Grandma and a baby needs that in their lives.
Anyway...I'm tearing up so time to sign off. I'm heading to the mall to give in and buy some summer clothes...I have to start feeling attractive or nothing will get better.
Here are my journals for the weekend. I'm trying. I'm trying hard this week.
POINTS® Tracker entries
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 large banana(s) 2
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3.5
Midday
2 slices Wonder Wheat Bread - Quick-added food 3
4 slice(s) tomato(es) 0
1 tsp margarine 1
1 cup(s) cucumber(s) 0
1 small apple(s) 1
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Subtotal 5
Evening
2 cup(s) potato gnocchi 8.5
1 serving(s) Healthy Choice Sauce - Chunky Lovers 1
Homemade Herb Bread - Quick-added food 4
Cheese - Quick-added food 4
1 tsp margarine 1
2 cup(s) low-fat milk 4.5
Subtotal 23
Anytime
1 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1
Subtotal 1
Food POINTS values total used 32.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise 60 min walking, leisure 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3
POINTS® Tracker entries
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Morning
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat, spoon-size 1.5
1 large banana(s) 2
Subtotal 3.5
Midday
Wonder Wheat Bread - Quick-added food 3
4 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2
1 tsp Classic yellow mustard 0
Subtotal 5
Evening
1 item(s) cooked chicken drumstick with skin and bone 2
1 item(s) cooked chicken thigh with skin and bone 4
1 oz cooked chicken fillet 1
2 serving(s) Straight Cut French Fried Potatoes 5
Subtotal 12
Anytime
2 slices pineapple 1
1 large banana(s) 2
8 fl oz Diet coke 0
Fudgecicle - Quick-added food 2
100 cal Icecream Cup - Quick-added food 2
Subtotal 7
Food POINTS values total used 27.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise No entries for exercise.
Activity POINTS values earned 0
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