I suck. I suck hard. I gained (as expected) 1.8 pounds. Welcome to my roller coaster. Yes I know why I gained. I didn't journal. I didn't care. I didn't move. I was sick. A lady at the meeting Saturday said sometimes you've just got to allow yourself to be sick. Nuh-uh. I used it as an excuse. I thought poor me. I'm going to gain anyway and I let it happen.
I'm starting to think I don't want this enough. I have become complacent and used to living and eating a certain way. I don't want to have to give up certain things. I want to reward myself or make myself feel better by eating and doing things my way. Why must weight always be at the forefront of my every waking thought? I've got enough other problems.
Today has been a day of reflection for me. I'm through being patient with aspects of my life. Why can't I have nice things now? Important to me are James, my family, my friends and my home. I take great pride in my home and I want it looking nice. I'm sick of it being just a place full of stuff. I'm sick of the gardens and grass being overgrown and weedy. I can't keep everything up and looking nice all on my own. Especially now that I have a baby. Last year when I was pregnant and just didn't give a shit about anyone or anything, nothing got done outside. The hedges didn't just trimmed, the grass cut, my flower beds weeded (during an especially non-morning sickness plagued month I did manage to plant flowers). The house didn't get cleaned...hell...I've done more now that I'm off on mat leave than I did all of last year. I'm especially pissed off that because I couldn't do it at 9 months (37 weeks) pregnant last fall my clay planters didn't get put in the garage. Every last one of them now must be thrown out because each and every one of them have cracked open. THOSE WERE BLOODY WEDDING GIFTS! I asked you to put them away for a reason!!!!
Which leaves me thinking about what is important to my significant other. I don't know what is important to him. I don't think he has the pride in ownership in his home. If he did...he'd help me more at least outside. I'm feeling overwhelmed in life again. I'm feeling like I've got two kids. I am the one responsible for making sure all the bills are paid and that we have money to pay the bills. I'm the one who cleans the bathroom, changes the sheets, does the laundry, sweeps and washes the kitchen floors, disinfects the kitchen counters, weeds the lawn (okay, had the unfortunate opportunity to plant forget-me-nots in a garden last year, they ran rampant and know they are in my lawn), rakes the leaves from the fall and spring out of the hedges, vacuums, dusts, bathes the baby, feeds the baby, does the laundry, makes dinner, brings home 70% of our income AND still finds the occasion to have a bath. Sorry if I'm feeling under appreciated and not like having sex tonight and if I want to have a shower and go right to bed once James is asleep...that's my right. I think my patience has finally come to a slow boil and I've had it. Try and find the xbox now.
With all these feelings of responsibility running wild in my head, it is no reason I want to rebel in some small way and say screw you to Weight Watchers. Yes, I want it bad enough however, I want other things in my life just as bad and maybe if I put my energy into these other things, I'll get it first? Who knows...I just want to shout and scream and cry but it feels like I'm shouting and screaming at a brick wall in an empty room and it doesn't matter to anyone but me.
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