It is raining. Supposed to rain all week. I feel gross though. I got sun burnt yesterday while I was tossing shit angrily around in my garage. I tripped on a board that had a rusty nail sticking out of it while trying to get at my gardening tools. Damn good thing my tentus shot is only three years old. You thought the basement was full of crap? That is nothing. You should see my garage!
I'm not one to complain and complain though. No, let me rephrase that. I am one to bitch and bitch and bitch and then I turn passive aggressive. If I'm not happy with something, I'll change it. I should post the pictures of what the basement looks like now. I took a friend's advice (thanks Karyn!) and made piles. Toss, Donate and Sell. The furnace room is cleaned out. Everything is organized. My toss pile will be going out into the mess that is the garage so that all I have to do is call Got Junk and have 'em haul it and my bad mood away. I'm quite proud of all that I have accomplished in the short spans of time I have while James is asleep. I think I'm doing good in the regard of balance in that way. James doesn't want for attention. We play, we dance, we bounce, we walk and we sing. And in little increments I get organized. Maybe the house isn't as clean as it once was but I do okay. I'm afraid though of burning out and the crash is going to be hard.
So why then, can't I put this determination and energy into my weight loss and exercise? Last night at aerobics it took everything I had left in me out. We did some punching routines and it just drained me emotionally. I have a lot of pent up aggression and releasing just a little bit of it opened the flood gates and after class I found myself embarrassingly crying in the parking lot spilling my heart out to my friends. We had a good talk. Now if only I can have that talk with Brad. I'm afraid he is going to have a heart attack before he is 40 if he doesn't wake up and change his way of life. I did it. I hid the xbox and I must have done it in a fit of rage because today I can't remember where I hid it. Happy Easter! When I was at work I'd go to the gym on my lunch hour. I'd hit the cardio machines sometimes weights for 25 minutes and go back to work refreshed, feeling like I was just starting the day regardless of what argument I'd had at 10:00am with a client. I was at the peak fitness level of my life. I wasn't super thin but I was healthy. I had the best cardio health I've ever had. I was able to jog on the treadmill for 20 minutes straight without stopping at a steady fast pace. It was my outlet. It was my stress relief. It was my salvation. I'm pissed off at my self that now I can't even keep up at aerobics. And I'd feel guilty if I joined say...Curves and left everyday for and hour or so leaving Brad alone with James. Then again...I'm alone with him for 10 hours every day so why should I feel guilty? I have so many conflicting emotions in my that I can't figure out which emotion to run with and make feel better!
Trying my hardest to journal this week. I have my journal and a pencil in my back pocket and before I even take my first bite of food, I am journalling it. James' next nap I'll be surfing for dinner recipes. I have to put this aggression into weight loss. I need an outlet. Have I mentioned that?
POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, April 27, 2009
Morning
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
2/3 cup(s) The Original Shredded Wheat 'n Bran, spoon-size 1.5
Mini Chocolate Min Bar 1
Subtotal 2.5
Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1/4 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained 1.5
Chocolate Caramel Bar 2
Subtotal 5.5
Evening
4 oz cooked chicken fillet 3.5
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 2
Subtotal 7.5
Anytime
1 serving(s) Sugar Free Peach Iced Tea Mix 0
2 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1.5
2 slices Cinnomon Toast 6
1 tsp margarine 1
Subtotal 8.5
Food POINTS values total used 24
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise
45 min aerobics, high-intensity 7
10 min aerobics, low-impact 1
Activity POINTS values earned 8
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