The topic of today's discussion boys and girls is "guilt". There isn't a day in my life that I don't regret something I said or did. Hell...I am still embarrassed for actions from when I was 5!
What makes a good Mommy? What makes a good person? What makes a good wife? Sometimes what makes a person "good" in one category, makes them a poopy person in another. Motherhood the first time around came with guilt. The second time around? Forget it! If I were catholic, I'd probably never leave the confessional. Thank the powers that be, the only power I bow down to is myself. Because a) I am always right b) I am never wrong and c) I am all knowing and all powerful and let us not forget d) modest.
I feel guilt when I clean my house, leaving James to play quietly by himself in the basement or playing on the computer. I feel guilt when I am making dinner or doing the dishes after dinner, leaving James in the living room watching tv (I hear the collective gasps from the super moms out there...allowing a 3 year old to watch tv! The shame!) I feel guilt when I don't clean my house and instead opt to play with James building a ramp and raceway for his cars. The house isn't as clean as it once was. I try to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. Vacuum every other day or so. Screw washing the dust or the food off the walls in the kitchen. Or removing the layer of dust...no...at this point, the layer of fuzz off the ceiling fans. Honestly, who looks up anyway? I feel guilt when making a dinner of fish sticks and french fries or chicken nuggets when Brad is on nights. I feel guilt when Piper sleeps too much. I feel guilt when she when we go out (to my exercise class or the library) and she misses a nap. I could go on and on and on...
And of course, right now the ultimate guilt of trying to find the time to better myself by taking an hour or so to exercise. I know as a Mommy your have to sacrifice certain things. Like your identity. I no longer have an actual name. I shall be referred to from here on out as Mommy...until I get back to work...then it is usually..."that bitch". I missed out on playing softball this season because the games were scheduled too late at night. Brad still got to play. I don't get to listen to my music anymore. I do know all the words to all of the Wiggles songs and the Little People cds. I'm up on all the PBS kids shows and Sesame Street gossip. I'm trying to convince myself that a happy Mommy = happy kids. If I feel better about myself, I'll feel better about my capacity for being a Mother. While I'm no where close to perfect (yes, I admitted it...don't tell anyone) I'm not the worst out there either. I'm a fairly average, run of the mill, normal kind of girl.
Today didn't do any exercise. Planned on doing the MoM challenge, but didn't get around to it. I had a large Pumpkin Spice Skinny latte, a slice of pumpkin cheese cake and a Halloween cookie. Lesson learned. After a week of healthier living and avoiding that sort of thing, I feel yucky...and guilty.
Also, day four of an aspartame existence. It is easier now that Weight Watchers has removed the calorie factor from their point calculations. I no longer an attempting to find the lowest calorie value foods, which often means it is label "diet" and includes aspartame. I don't even miss my diet coke today. Huh.
K
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