I hadn't intended on dressing up for Halloween, but since I am feeling and looking like a body from CSI that was just pulled out of a gully somewhere, I might as well take advantage right? Yeah. That's it. Perfectly terrifying. Little children can poke me with a stick to see if they can make me expel gas. DNA experts will have to determine if I am human or swine.
So, okay. I may be overly dramatic, it is just the way I have been feeling all week. I'll admit it. I haven't exactly followed program this week. The start of the week I journaled breakfast and lunch. Today I didn't even log on to the program. I have snacked non stop through out the day, and made the wrong food choices entirely. The good part? I have not been into the Halloween candy as of yet. However, that isn't saying much since Brad hid it on me as soon as it was brought home. I have a sneaking suspension it is in the hidden compartment in the trunk of my car, I'm just too fucking lazy to go and look.
Then there is Brad. He hasn't exactly been helpful this week. For his birthday he wanted ribs and chicken wings for dinner...along with potato wedges. Kim's kryptonite. No, no one held me at gun point, held my nose and waited for me to take a breath before shoving a wing down my throat. I enjoyed the deliciousness all on my own. When it comes to food pushing, my husband is second to none. It is so bad that he is not allowed to enter a grocery store on his own. Budget in place or not, I sent him out to buy milk and the man will come back with cinnamon rolls...because they were looking lonely. All alone on the reduced to sell rack. I can't blame him entirely. He is very close to 330 pounds. He was never taught or encouraged to eat a healthy balanced diet. Over indulgence was and is, his way of life and a few extra pounds was not seen as a problem. Unfortunately a few extra became a couple hundred. He was like that when I married him. I knew what I was getting into. Stupid me, thought I could change and help him. When he joined Weight Watchers with me once, he managed to lose 50 pounds and quickly. He even got to 280. I distinctly remember the conversation we had at our apartment in Toronto. I told him I had been getting ready to leave him for good as I was no longer attracted to him. I was so proud of him working so hard to lose the weight. When he did good, I did good. We were happy. He promised me that he would never ever get to be over 300 pounds again. Looking back on our relationship...there haven't been too many...if any...promises he's made to me that he's kept. Yet, I love the man. I must be fucking insane.
Today I was unable to get out and go for a run. I have been itching to get out and break the cycle. It seems if I"m able to get out alone for even half an hour and exercise, it will motivate me to do better and stay on track. Brad is on nights this weekend. Today he woke up and started moving a 2:45...he leaves for work at 3:45. Did not exactly leave me any time to do anything I wanted to get down, even something as simple as shower. So that means, I've had no help with the kids at all this weekend, I am going stir crazy and feeling really down on myself. All I am is a Mommy. Why should I care what I look like? After all, who am I trying to impress especially since I never leave the house. Hmmm...maybe that's it. Maybe he's doing this if even subconsciously, so I don't lose weight, go out have fun, find someone new...blah blah blah. I would suspect that is the case and why all the sabotage, if I wasn't smoking hot before I had kids and he's used to a super hot wife. LOL!
I'm just in a "poor me", self deprecating mood. Pardon my pity party. It just seems like such a long hard struggle. I'm impatient. I want me back now. I honestly don't feel like me right now. I do feel like just a Mother (which isn't an entirely bad thing) but I do miss Kim. I miss me. I miss my clothes. I hate this gut. I hate the way my gut hangs. I hate myself for allowing myself to get this way again...after doing so well my entire pregnancy, and then Piper was late, and I was so uncomfortable, I couldn't chase after James, I could only sit and wait...and eat.........and actually right now...I'd kill for a bag of ketchup chips and a beer.
K
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