3rd Time Charmed?

Where to begin? How about at the end? I vow to lose 20 pounds by December 21st, 2011. I started this personal challenge 2 weeks ago and have lost 2.8 pounds so far.

Why am I starting all over again? I gained some weight. Er...72 pounds more to be exact...but, who is counting right?

In all fairness, I did have another baby. Piper Rose was born on May 12, 2011 and is beautiful and sweet and full of joy and smiles and is the light in the rocky chaos that has become my life. As is my 3 year old son James. They are the reason I live and get up each an every morning...and the reason I drink half a pot of coffee.

You see, a week before I gave birth (to an overdue Piper) Brad (the hubby) got a new job. The job is wonderful. It is everything he ever wanted and everything this family needed. The problem with it? 12 hour rotating shifts. It has been quite the adjustment for our young family. I have learned to be more independent and organized and gain more confident in myself and child rearing capabilities. The job is for considerably more money than his previous place of employment, with more perks than I can possibly mention...and even though it almost killed this marriage, I think it will in the end, be what saves it.

I found myself very angry with the world, with my house, my life, my self and everyone in it for the first four months of Piper's existence. While she wasn't exactly planned, she wasn't an accident either. I wasn't certain I could possible have enough love in my heart for two children. James is my little boy. I loved him with all my heart and I didn't want anyone, or anything to come in between us. She didn't. If anything, she made my heart open up and grow bigger. It is a different kind of love. My life was complete. So...why so angry? I think, no, I know...it was and continues to be postpartum depression. I had battled bouts of depression previously in my teendomhood so I recognized the feelings of hopeless and helpless. When my thoughts turned to suicide, I really scarred myself and made sure to share my feelings with my family doctor. Thankfully, thoughts of having my little boy find me and try to "wake Mommy" up, kept me alive and I was able to share my thoughts of that day with my doctor, and here I find myself mediated and will soon be going for counselling.

Today, I am doing much better. Now that I have my feelings and hormones under control, it is time to focus on me. In the early months, I would go days without showering or brushing my teeth, things I hid from the world and those closest to me. I have just recently started my 5k training program again and have signed up for a Baby and Me Boot Camp. Trying to be a good girl with my Weight Watchers program (which after 10 years of being on program, I am actually finding it hard to stick with) and am making sure to get out with the kidlets once a week to the library.

While the issues that caused my hatred and anger are still present and unresolved, I am able to possibly forgive and forget and maybe will one day soon be able to discuss those issues with the person (not naming any names *coughbradcough* who caused the emotions. I am also realizing that I can take some time for myself once in a while and still be a good Mommy. Just finding the time to do it will be the challenge.

Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my blog and lay it all out for you, my reader. I will be completely and brutally honest with you and myself...starting with this...My weight is currently 194.8 again after coming within 15 pounds of my goal weight after James. I am taking it little bits at a time. I am attempting to lose 20 by December 21, 2011.

To date I have lost 41.2....only 15.2 of it since starting Weight Watchers. I'm going it alone online this time without the benefits of the meetings due to Brad's shift work. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.