Everything Zen (inside chaos)

I want to lose weight more than anything...I think.  Really I do.  So why do I keep screwing it up?  I become frustrated with the slowness of the process and one day of a whoopsie becomes five very quickly.  Is it that I am feeling sorry for myself?  Possibly.  Even though my weight isn't changing, my "dimensions" certainly are.  I took a peek a few days ago.  I will technically record the inches on November 18th.  But I am so far amazed with the results.  Not to give anything away, but I believe it has been more than 2" in a month!

Brad is still at the sabotage game.  He went to a football game with the guys on Sunday.  And of course, he had to pick up some snacks for the trip over to Buffalo.  Before he left for his shopping trip the Friday before, he asked if I wanted anything from he Bulk Barn.  Of course thoughts of Skor bars and chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter filled pretzels and chocolate covered espresso beans filled my thoughts, I said no thank you.  Even though I said no thank you, he came home with chocolate covered cappuccino bits.  After he was back from the game they had stopped at Taco Bell, he didn't eat his apple empanada, gave it to me to eat.  Discovered someone had put a bag of chips into his bag and gave that to me (thanks Andy...jerk!).  Of COURSE I know I didn't HAVE to eat them.  I know that.  Worse yet, I didn't really want to.  But I did.  Out of habit?  Thoughts that go through my head when doing it?  Not much actually.  I think, "well, one won't hurt"  "I'll have this now, since I don't know when the next time I"ll get to have chips will be" "Fuck it".  Honestly, that last one is the worst.  A simple "Fuck it" and I'm scoffing down Halloween candy like there is no tomorrow.  For this simple reason, I try not to allow these kinds of things into our home.  Yet somehow, junk always finds its way in through my door.  Right now, right above me on the computer desk is another one of Brad's gems.  A bag full of wine gums.  However, I don't like wine gums, and I am able to keep them out of my mouth and away from my thoughts.  Too bad potato chips taste like angels dancing on my tongue in an orgy of salty goodness.

I managed to get out for a "run" yesterday.  Since I haven't been able to make it out in a couple of weeks, I am starting over at day one.  I'm not sure how effective it is since it was a very slow jog.  Extremely slow.  I think power walkers could have passed me.  My knees hurt.  Amazing how quickly your body falls out of it and how long and hard it takes just to get it back.  I think what I need to do is schedule my runs on the kitchen calendar. Work it out with Brad's schedule and if it is written down, go on the day when scheduled.  When I was out actually doing it yesterday, it was nice to be alone with my thoughts.  It was a beautiful fall day, I wasn't at work, I was able to spend time with my beautiful children.  Hell, after my run was over I sat on a park bench in the lotus position meditating, allowing thoughts of absolutely nothing fill my head.  Just the sounds of the wind in the trees and birds chirping.  Life should be that calm and zen all the time.  Which reminds me...anyone know of any good, yet inexpensive, yoga classes in the area?  God, I miss yoga. 

Tomorrow I begin a "Biggest Loser" challenge run through the fitness class and instructor I have been going to.  I figure I need all the motivation I can muster.  Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need.  I am an extremely competitive person and hate to lose anything.  I do not expect to win, or even finish in the top 10.  I do however plan on giving it my best.


K