Just as I suspected, I gained this week. One whole pound. This was not unexpected nor was it as bad as I anticipated. I can make excuses for myself, but I'm not going to. I know what is wrong. The problem is, I just don't know how to fix it...and I don't know if I even can until I settle into my final life juggling a marriage, kids and a full time career.
Today is the first day I feel like I've got even an iota of my normal energy level back. In previous posts I mentioned that I had a cold. This cold as lasted 3 weeks and knocked me right out on my ass. I missed 2 and a half weeks of my boot camp and running. This past Wednesday was the first day I was able to even attempt any time of physical activity and I certainly wasn't up to my normal level of fitness. Yes, I know it is possible to lose weight without the benefit of exercise. My first time around with Weight Watchers, I lost 40 pounds without one day of actual activity, of course it took me quite a long time to get there, but I did it. However, I wasn't eating right nor was I making proper food decisions for the past 3 weeks. When Brad was on nights, I opted for quick and easy...not so wholesome and not so balanced meals. Hell, one night James and I had Sloppy Joes with potato chips as a side. True unadulterated comfort food. Nothing good about it. I enjoyed it at the time, but later that night, my body revolted against me. Sorry for the graphic and unpleasant image, but I had things coming out of both ends of my body later in the night. Even when I did try and attempt to build up the energy to cook an actual meal, I didn't stop at just one properly measured portion size. Three helpings later...hey, don't judge, I made a wickedly awesome moist turkey breast, mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. So what if I didn't have second and third helpings of the green beans, just the turkey and mashed potatoes (with a healthy serving of gravy). It was what I needed a that moment in time. Oh, I even made a pumpkin pie in there at one point. Urgh.
Combine the illness and no activity with my complete and total denial of having to leave my kids for my job very soon, I've been an emotional mess. I haven't been remembering to take my meds most days, and when I can't remember if I did or not, I just skip 'em just in case. I am knowingly replacing my feelings and the eventuality of knowing that I do have to go back to work as of May 7th, with food to fill the emptiness I am already feeling in my soul (even if Gingers don't have souls ;) ) I will never have this time with my kids in my life again. I know it isn't like I'm going away forever. I know I will still see them everyday. I just won't be spending all day, every day with them every again for this length of time. That saddens me. I feel like I"m shutting myself off and trying to draw away from them in order to soften the blow to me that will be taking place in two months. Could be the reason I allowed Brad to talk me into enrolling James in pre-school two days a week. I've been keeping pretty busy too. Monday, James goes to pre-school, Tuesday we have together all day, Wednesday is boot camp so James stays with my parents if Brad isn't off and Piper comes with me, Thursday is Weight Watchers so Piper and James stay with my parents and Friday we have all day together. Of course the weekends are all us, sometimes with Brad, sometimes not.
My house has also been falling apart. Haven't been cleaning like I should. But that is nether here nor there.
I'm really disappointed in myself that for the whole 6 weeks of official weight watchers, going to meetings rather than just doing it at home, I've lost only a pound. Some of the women in my meeting have already hit 11! Why in the hell can't I do this? I really wanted to be at least in the 170's before returning to work, but that isn't going to happen. I don't know why I feel that way, I just think everyone will look at me and think "tsk, she really let herself go after this baby" and "wow, look at how much weight she gained" blah blah blah. Face it, we all think it when someone comes back. It is either, "wow, they look fantastic" or "phew...man". Maybe I put too much pressure on myself with a timeline. This time at least I have no intention of getting pregnant again, and can't now...that I honestly really have all the time in the world to get back to where I was...and better. Now if only my right brain could tell my left brain all will be good!
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