Brad finally has a day off today. Couldn't have come at a better time too. After 7 straight days, I am ready to be able to sleep in and give some child care responsibility over to him. James came down with a cold on Thursday, so he was unable to have his planned sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Piper is beginning to sound congested and I have a sore, thick throat. Some one let the germs back into the house and I am most displeased. As much as I would like to blame James going to day care, I can't. It came on too quickly for it to have originated from a kid there. I have my suspicions. You know who you are. Yes. YOU. STAY AWAY. Every single time my kid plays with your kid, mine gets sick. NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Running has been going really well. I'm actually considering signing up for a 5k run, 2 months ahead of my goal of doing the Around the Bay 5k race. I'm not sure I can actually run the whole thing. My time won't be pretty. I'm fairly certain I will be the last person who will cross the finish line, but I am determined that I can and will do this. Brad is off that day so I won't have to depend on my parents, once again, watching the kids for me while I do something for myself.
I am once again torn between being a Mommy and being Kim. At times it seems impossible to consolidate both people into one person. After I had James, the next summer I was able to go back to playing softball. James was 7 months old at the beginning of the season and Brad and I were able to drop him off at my parents while we played. That summer I was able to feel like I was Kim again for 3 hours of the week. I was able to see my friends and let my dirty, dirty potty mouth out of its cage, tell adult jokes and not have to watch what I say constantly. This summer, Piper was new born and the games were scheduled for much later in the evening. Piper wouldn't have been a problem leaving at my parent's house, however James was almost 3 and we didn't want to pick him up from my parents at 11:00pm to bring home, totally disrupting his sleep. I missed that opportunity this summer to feel like Kim again, and in the middle of really bad postpartum depression, it played a huge part in the downward spiral I experienced for the first 5 months of Piper's life.
I may be over compensating for that now. I am torn between spending as much time with my children as I can before I have to go back to work, only 3 short months from now, and taking time for myself. I feel extremely guilty for wanting and needing to do this. I have three days a week now that I am off doing something that focuses on me.
Wednesdays are my Stroller Bootcamp. That is Mommy and Piper time. So at least Piper is with me. It isn't like the Mother Goose song time I used to do with James. Mother Goose was all at him, where as Stroller class is all about me, with 5 minutes of parachute and songs for Piper. She does love watching Mommy bounce around in class and giggles at me when we're skipping. But it just isn't the same. On the hand, I have to rely, once again, on my parents to watch James for me if Brad doesn't have the Wednesday off. I could technically take James with me to the class. I tried to do that twice, but he is a handful. I wasn't getting a good workout worrying about what he is doing and getting into. Plus I think he was bored, always asking me what he could do. Maybe I'll try brining him with me again just to see how it goes.
Thursdays are my Weight Watchers meetings. James is in daycare that day so he isn't an issue. Piper however....last week after I dropped James off at the centre, I went over to my parents and stayed there until it was time to leave for my meeting, leaving her there for my parents to watch. Came back from the meeting and waited until it was time to pick James up from daycare.
And now Sundays. I wanted to up my activity level and include another day of a high intensity workout. I love Trina and Fit4Females so much I wanted to add another day of her awesome workouts. So I am going to go on Sunday late morning now too...with some friends! But again, that is another day away and another day I will have to rely on my parents to watch the kids for me if Brad doesn't have the day off.
I think more than anything what is bothering me is taking advantage of my parents by having them watch James and Piper so that I can go off and do my thing. At the same time, taking care of myself and making time for myself will ultimately make me a better person and a better Mommy. I have more energy and feel better about myself and am a happier person after a good workout or a good run. I have been able to laugh and enjoy myself more as of late. I love to dance with James and Piper in the kitchen on the days Brad works nights. We crank the tunes, James plays air guitar and makes rock n' roll faces while Piper bops and giggles in my arms as we wash dishes and clean up after dinner. These are the memories I will cherish always. I just hope and pray that if my Mom and Dad do feel used or taken advantage of or are tired, they will tell me so. Say "no". Because, like me, they just can't say no when it comes to their kids or their grandkids. Every time I leave either James or Piper at their house, it just feels like I am dumping them off so I can go be selfish. Guilt. How do you say thank you and I love you for all that you do for us? Words are just words and can be twisted and taken advantage of. I'm a master at getting what I want and manipulating people so that I can get what I want. The sign of a truly selfish person. I don't think that is what I'm doing to my parents. If they were to tell me no, I'd find another way, someone else, or I just wouldn't do these things. I don't think that is the case. But what if it is? At times like this I really do feel like such a horrible person.
It will all be ending soon anyway. Don't know if I can continue my runs after I go back to work. I obviously won't be able to continue my Stroller bootcamp and Sunday's I'll only be able to attend every other week, so what would the point of that be? I won't be asking my parents to watch the kids that day because they'll have Piper through the week and James too.
When did life get so complicated? Oh. Right. 9 months ago.
Hey, good news at least. I've been rocking the Weight Watchers thing this week. Staying within my daily point range and only eating extra if I've earned activity points. Haven't once had to go into my weekly point allowance.
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