Rebel Without a Cause

AHA!  I figured it out.  After some careful self evaluation and hard thinking, I believe I have figured out why I set myself up for self sabotage and can't control my mindless eating.

All my life I've had to answer to someone else, follow someone else's rules.  I struggled to find myself and become my own person while living within, what I felt, were strict rules.  I rebelled as a teenager the best I could.  It was hard to figure out who I was when I wasn't allowed to go far from home and didn't have many friends.

Now, I have no one to answer to.  I am my own person.  I have no rules and the decisions I make are my own.     The only one telling me what to do is myself, and as the cliché saying goes, "I follow nobody's rules, not even my own".  I suppose down deep I don't like people telling me what to do so much that I even rebel against myself.  Does that make sense?  I have no one else to say no to or disagree with other than myself.

Being aware of this unfortunately doesn't make it any better.  I can only try to be more mindful and aware of what I am eating and why.  The good feeling of being in control and having a positive self image is far, far better than the depressed, bloated, self hating feeling I get when I spiral out of control. I want that good feeling to last.  God, I am my own worst enemy.  How can I know what is right and what to do and then do the exact opposite?  I am a pro at this Weight Watchers thing.  I know it works.  I know that it works well.  Is it because I know that it does work I figure it'll still work if I only kinda sorta follow the program.  I think I over think things a little too much.

I've had a lot going through my head lately.  Brad and I have been discussing James and what is best for him in preparation of school in September.  He is a fairly well behaved, fairly polite little boy.  He plays well by himself.  I only want what is best for him.  Brad is strongly making an argument for placing him in pre-school two days a week (most centres won't allow for only one day).  I feel guilt either way.  I feel guilty for keeping him home, without interaction with other kids.  He is good at playing independently when I'm cleaning or cooking dinner.  He doesn't mind being alone. However he doesn't share well and doesn't get to play with other kids all that much.  I feel guilty for considering placing him in pre-school because I am home, I am able to take care of my own child.  I will never again have the opportunity to be home with my kids all day everyday again.  Once I go back to work that is it.  Given our current financial situation, we also don't really need an extra $78 a week.  Sure I'm good at the family budget and we can fit it in, especially since there is no more pizza and wings or eating out.  I also know that it will be met with disapproval from my parents.  And more than any thing else, I do not want to disappoint my parents.

I digress.  Hard life decisions.  My kids are my world and I only want what is best for them.  I had a fair lonely childhood and didn't make friends well...and as Brad loves to point out...I do not share my toys well.

I did well today with both food and activity.  Got my run on this afternoon after the ran stopped and the sun came out and used all but three points of food.  Considering a beer....hmmmm....................

Today's dinner was my own creation.  Quinoa with beef sirloin stir-fry.

Previous day's lunch was whole wheat pancakes with apple and banana slices

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PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, January 23, 2012

Morning
1  serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
1  large banana(s)	0
1  cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
1/2 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained	2
1  item(s) Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Grain Tortilla	4
1  tsp Dijon Mustard	0
1  gm dried chia seeds	0
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
1/3 oz Cheddar or colby cheese	1
2  oz Dill Pickle(s)	0
5  item(s) uncooked baby carrots	0
Subtotal	10
Evening
1/2 cup(s) cooked quinoa	3
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
1  Beef Teriyaki Stirfry	7
Subtotal	13
Anytime
10  nut(s) almonds	2
Subtotal	2
Food PointsPlus values total used	27
Food PointsPlus values remaining	3
Exercise
17 min jogging	4
30 min walking, brisk	3
Activity PointsPlus values earned	7
Check off these important items daily:
Liquids        Milk & Milk Products     Fruit & Vegetables       Multivitamin/Mineral   Healthy Oil

That One Day

Yesterday was *the* day.  You know that day.  The day where one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you find yourself on the couch with a large (skinny*snort*) vanilla bean latte, a bag of chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels, a slice of left over deep dish pizza from the previous night and a pity party in the making.  Never had that kind of day?  No?  Denial ain't just a river in Egypt for your then is it?

Yesterday started out typical.  It was Brad's day off.  I started my day out okay.  Had a play date at an indoor play ground with the kids, from there went to my Weight Watchers meeting, didn't have time for lunch.  James was rewarded for going poop in the potty by being allowed to go to the Bulk Barn to choose a candy reward and that's probably where it all went down hill.  I happened to notice a bin of Milk Chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels.  OF COURSE I had to try some.  I mean, creamy sweet milk chocolate.  Salty smooth peanut butter.  Salty crunchy pretzels.  Who in their right mind could pass up this once in a lifetime flavour experience?  Then because there was a mild snow storm and it was just across the street, I HAD to get a latte.

Sad part?  They pretzels gave me a tummy ache and I had maybe a quarter of my latte.  I don't know how many of the pretzels I actually had.  Yesterday I didn't bother doing my points at all.  I had planned on pretending like yesterday didn't happen and just go on about my business and beg ignorance come weigh in time.  Honest, I don't know WHY I gained this week.  I was a perfect angel.  What good would that be though?  Lying to myself and any blog readers I may actually have.  What is the point of this then?  Why pretend I'm perfect and my life is perfect?  It isn't.  So I did my points.  I looked up the nutritional info on line for my pretzels and it isn't pretty.  4.5 grams of saturated fat?  Seriously?

Nutrition Facts Pure Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter filled Pretzels
Serving Size: 40 g
Amount	% Daily Value
Calories 200
Total Fat 11g	17%
Saturated Fat 4.5g
Trans fat 0g
Total Fat Percentage	23%
Cholesterol 5mg	2%
Sodium 300mg	13%
Carbohydrates 21g	7%
Dietary Fibre 2g	8%
Sugars 9g
Proteins 5g
Vitamin A	0%
Vitamin C	0%
Calcium	4%
Iron I will be getting rid of the rest.  Honestly?  They were rather disappointing anyway.

The Music to Move You

On my run today I forgot to change the playlist from what the kids and I had been dancing to while cleaning up after dinner last night.  I ended up doing my entire run/walk/climb to NKOTBSB.  I'm not one for pop music.  There are certain Lady Gaga and Katy Perry little ditties that I can tolerate, mostly though my tastes are a little harder.  Usually the angrier or faster, the better.  The change to the "older" happy music of my childhood energized me and got me moving better than the "other stuff".

Music really does set the mood.  When I used to work out at the gym on my lunch hours at work, the harder the music the better for me.  I needed that type of music to fit my mood back then.  I have a job that, at times, is very fast paced, demanding and stressful.  I would go for an hour, do 25 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weights.  I needed something that would relieve my stress and help push my body to my limits.  Nothing like a little Disturbed, Drowning Pool or Rob Zombie to sweat to!  Trust me, these sessions saved some of my more needy clients a punch in the nose.

Now that I am off work I need something to be able to relax and reflect to.  To remind me of the simpler things in life.  A little bubble gum pop music may just be able to do it, in the form of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys.  I even found myself mouthing the words to songs at times.  Great, I'm getting soft in my old age.  I draw the line at Justin Bieber though.  These ears are still Bieber virgins.

It is too bad that Weight Watchers officially starts tomorrow and today was the very first weigh in to get the starting weight on the little side bet Brad and I have going again.  Compared to last week I lost 3.8 pounds!  See?  The program works when followed and followed correctly.  Add to that my attempts at clean eating (cleaning anyway), I had an awesome week.  I'm still 2 pounds above where I got down to prior to the Christmas season, but I will not and am not dwelling on it.  I actually felt so disgusted with myself and depressed beyond any level I had been since starting my medication that I am using that to motivate me and keep me motivated.  I do not want to feel that bloated and low on energy again. Weight this week: 190.6

Today's dinner was another recipe out of The Best of Clean Eating.  The picture makes it look quite naughty, however, under that cheese is a whole whack of vegetables and turkey sausage.  The home-made crust was whole wheat and nice and crispy.  A definite try again.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Morning
1  serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
1  large banana(s)	0
2  cup(s) black coffee	0
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
Subtotal	5
Midday
1  large egg(s)	2
2  item(s) egg white(s)	1
1  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1/2 cup(s) button mushrooms	0
1/2 oz Cheddar or colby cheese	2
1/2 item(s) Ezekiel 4:9	2
1  serving(s) Activia Peach/Prune Yogurt	3
Subtotal	10
Evening
1/2 cup(s) strawberries	0
3  Tbsp 95% fat free whipped topping	1
2  Windy City Pie	14
Subtotal	15
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
Food PointsPlus values total used	30
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Exercise
30 min jogging	7
10 min stairclimber, 36 steps per minute	2
30 min walking, brisk	3
Activity PointsPlus values earned	12
Check off these important items daily:
Liquids        Milk & Milk Products     Fruit & Vegetables       Multivitamin/Mineral   Healthy Oil

GAH and double GAH!!!

GAH!  Just when a plan comes into place and works out to make your life easier, someone goes and changes a tiny element of it, throwing everything out of whack!  DOUBLE GAH!

Yesterday I was so happy about the plan to be able to attend Weight Watchers meetings on Wednesday's after boot camp.  It was going to involve a lot of driving, but it was going to be okay, it was going to be alone time and as one of my readers pointed out, time to blast MY music for a change.  I even figured out where I was going to be able to park without having to pay for it AND get lunch to bring to the meetings.  Someone decided to change the day of the meeting to Thursday instead of Wednesday meaning two out of three meetings I will have to figure out what to do with the kids. Bright side?  I can still park at the mall and get Subway as planned. Down side?  I really don't want to bring James and Piper with me.  Yes, I'm sure if I asked my parents would watch them for me, how ever I hate always asking and I really don't want to drive them all the way into their house, back across the mountain to the meeting, back again to get them and then back again to take them home.  Two days in a row just isn't worth it.  Small change and big issue for me.  Dammit!'

Still motivated today.  Yesterday went well.  Went for a run and completed the Fit4Females M.O.M. challenge at home.  For dinner I made home made Sheppard's Pie.  It is a Weight Watchers recipe I learned when I first joined that I tweaked slightly to be clean.  The recipe calls for Instant mashed potatoes, which I actually prefer, but I used real mashed.  More of a pain in the ass to make, especially when Brad is on nights, as he was last night, but a better option.  I enjoy Sheppard's Pie, especially on cold winter days, however James is turning into quite the picky eater.  Lately anything I make is a "yucky dinner".  I'm not one for making him stay at the table until everything is done, I do insist however that he at least try it. It has been a struggle especially when Brad is working the night shift and I'm trying to get James to eat dinner while at the same time keeping Piper happy.  One of life's challenges with two kids and the husband's new job.

I've gotten into a routine.  Life just works right now (with the Weight Watchers meeting exception), I am terrified of going back to work, and the new challenges that will go along with it, and then again when James will start junior kindergarten in September.  We'll save the blog for another day, stay positive now and just roll with the punches that come my way now.

Today is a day of rest as far as running is concerned. I do plan on the challenge again later tonight after the kids are in bed.  Left over Sheppard's Pie again tonight wither James likes it or not.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, January 16, 2012

Morning
1  serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
1  large banana(s)	0
3  cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
1  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1  tsp olive oil	1
2  tsp balsamic vinegar	0
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
1  Chicken Almondine	8
Subtotal	12
Evening
shepard's pie - Quick-added food	8
4  slice(s) pumpernickel bread	8
Subtotal	16
Anytime
1  large fresh apple(s)	0
1  Tbsp flax seed(s)	1
Subtotal	1
Food PointsPlus values total used	31
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Exercise
60 min jogging	13
Activity PointsPlus values earned	13

Just got back from a run and a rather delightful yet chilly run.  It is funny.  When I'm out and actually doing "the deed" I'm nothing but positivity and rah rah I can do it. I suppose it is the fresh air and the time alone and quiet to clear my head without constant interruptions.  I planned my meals for most of the week and the lunch I was going to have when I got back home while I was on my run.

I'm not one to get "bored" of food, so when I find a meal I can fit into all of my requirements, I stick with it, especially if it tastes good.  I know that isn't a good thing to practice since your body does need a variety of nutrients and may get used to what you put into it if it is the same thing over and over.  Before I left, I had planned on another spinach and egg white omelet.  Had that yesterday, tasted good, easy to make, fail safe.  Instead I was able to think about what was in the house and planned lunch around that.  Ended up having a leftover chicken almondine breast on a bed of spinach, flax seed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar on it.  Delicious!

I found the Chicken Almondine recipe in a new cook book I got after the holidays.  "The Best of Clean Eating".  I really like some of the recipes in it.  They mostly use ingredients I already had around the house and are really simple to make....and are common sense.  When you think about it, most recipe books are "clean" since they mostly require fresh ingredients.  I do recommend this book to anyone who is thinking about eating a little bit healthier.

Here's the chicken recipe for anyone interested:

1/4c slivered unsalted almonds, toasted, divided (I didn't bother toasting, next time I'll give it a try)
1 tbsp whole wheat flour
1/4 tbsp Spanish paprika
Sea salt and Pepper to taste
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (1lb total) pounded to 1/2 inch thickness (which I didn't do)
Olive oil cooking spray
1 lb fresh green beans
Zest of 1 lemon (about 2 to 3 tsp)
Juice of 1/2 lemon (about 1 tbsp)

Grind half of the almonds to a powder.  In medium bowl, combine grounded almonds, flour and paprika. Season with salt and pepper.  Dredge chicken breast in almond-flour mixture and set aside.

Set large non-stick or cast-iron skillet over high heat for one minute.  Mist with cooking spray and heat for one minute more.  Reduce heat to medium-high and saute chicken for three minutes per side or until golden brown with no pink remaining.  Remove from heat.

Bring a medium pot of water to boil. Add beans and blanch for one minute.  Remove beans from water.  In large bowl toss beans with lemon zest and juice, season with salt and pepper.

To serve, sprinkle with remaining eight-cup of almonds over top of chicken, dividing evenly.  Serve each chicken breast with 3/4c of green beans.

Calories 220
Total Fat 6g
Sat Fat 0.75g
Carbs 12g
Fiber 5g
Sugars 2g
Protein 30g
Sodium 111mg
Cholesterol 66mg

New Strategy and Thinking

What is wrong with me?  Seriously what is wrong with me?  Why can't I do this?  Why am I having such a hard time doing what I've been doing for the past 12 years?

In councilling we've started working on my negative self image and my up coming return to work.  I always focus on the negative.  It doesn't matter if it is in regard to myself, my house, or my accomplishments.  Often if I can't do something "good enough" or be the BEST at it, I give up.  I have an "all or nothing" attitude.  If I can't be the best at something, I'd just rather not do it to avoid failure or losing.  What kind of life is that? If you set yourself up for failure, you will lose everytime.

I'm being taught to change my thinking from I'm not good enough or I'm not worth it to "I am good enough, I'm okay just the way I am and I am worth it". So hard when after 33 years you've told yourself "yes, but...".

I am trying hard to change my thinking. I'm trying hard not to just do what I know I am capable of and to push myself a little bit further.  If I do fail, I fail, I'll just keep at it until I am able to accomplish it...and then it'll feel like a success.  This is the case with my running.  I took the month of December off (which I regret).  I was able to come up with all kinds of excuses...the kids traded a bad cold back and forth since November 28th. I was sick with a mild sinus cold. December was crazy insane with family event after family event.  This lax attitude helped me to regain 7 of the 9 pounds I worked my ass off to lose the 3 months before.  I had a pitty party. I was in a very dark place again. So easy to slip back into old thinking and feelings.  My first run of the new year I went back a week in training.  It was difficult but I got out there.  Considering going out today once I'm done this post.

I have officially rejoined Weight Watchers meetings.  I have been following on line with some small success.  I always do better in the group meeting sessions.  I like have someone to compare myself with.  Horrible I know.  My place of employment is offering an "at work" 20 week session of meetings.  Wednesdays will be crazy busy with me driving across the city 4 times that day.  1 to drop James off at my parents then go to bootcamp, 2 to drop Piper off at my parents then drive into the college for meeting, 3 to drive back to my parents to pick up the kids and 4 to drive home once it is all over.  Sometimes though you have to do what you have to do to take time for yourself and make yourself happy.

Speaking of which, I need to make time for myself and keep my blog up.  I suppose I haven't been doing so because I didn't want anyone to know about my failures.  Failures though are what make us all human.  This is a struggle for me. When I don't do well, I get depressed.  Writing my feelings down in highschool in my diary used to help get the negative feelings out and refocus.  I recently shredded my old diaries.  I couldn't even re-read them. Some of the feelings in there were too painful to relive.  I honestly didn't have a bad life. I had a bad self preception which lead to years of misery and pain.

I don't want to live that kind of life and I certainly do not want to pass it on to my kids. I try my damnest not to obsess over my looks, say I'm fat, have negative self talk infront of them. When I am asked why I'm not having ice cream or cookies with the family or why I go to exercise class or out for a run, I simply say "to get healthy".

Because ultimately that's what this is all about. To get healthy. Both physically AND mentally.

Jealous much? The Results Blog

I lost 3.8 pounds this week and according to MY scale I am officially out of the 190's!  I weighed in at home at 189.8!  I am so excited!  I have been motivated.  I have been feeling good about myself.  I have been able to avoid temptation and say no to certain foods that have been offered to me.  I've added flax, almonds, more vegetables and cut out all processed foods and "white" foods.

Brad?  Well.  'Kay first, men lose easier.  Second, he has a lot more weight to lose than I do.  HE lost 12.8 pounds.  In a week.  Just by following the same diet I have been.  I'm proud of him.  I'm happy for him.  I am a sore loser though.  We have a side bet going on who can lose 20 pounds by December 21.  I was winning.  And then, he started taking it serious and I started cooking healthy.  So I take FULL credit for his loss.  I'm the one who got his ass off the couch for a walk.  I'm the one gently suggesting what not to eat and what to eat.  What habits that should stop.  Pointing out to him his unconsious eating. 

Yea, I'm a sore loser, however it certainly doesn't help when he is over my shoulder as I type this gloating and teasing about his great job.

I do jest though.  He's done a great job.  To start eating healthy like this takes a lot of disipline and you do have to come to terms with it and be ready.  I'm proud of him for doing this with me.  This is the support I so despereately needed in my life and this is the change in his that he needed.

Together, we will be unstoppable! ( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)

K

( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)