The Struggle Within: Rebel Without a Cause

AHA! I figured it out. After some careful self evaluation and hard thinking, I believe I have figured out why I set myself up for self sabotage and can't control my mindless eating.

All my life I've had to answer to someone else, follow someone else's rules. I struggled to find myself and become my own person while living within, what I felt, were strict rules. I rebelled as a teenager the best I could. It was hard to figure out who I was when I wasn't allowed to go far from home and didn't have many friends.

Now, I have no one to answer to. I am my own person. I have no rules and the decisions I make are my own. The only one telling me what to do is myself, and as the cliché saying goes, "I follow nobody's rules, not even my own". I suppose down deep I don't like people telling me what to do so much that I even rebel against myself. Does that make sense? I have no one else to say no to or disagree with other than myself.

Being aware of this unfortunately doesn't make it any better. I can only try to be more mindful and aware of what I am eating and why. The good feeling of being in control and having a positive self image is far, far better than the depressed, bloated, self hating feeling I get when I spiral out of control. I want that good feeling to last. God, I am my own worst enemy. How can I know what is right and what to do and then do the exact opposite? I am a pro at this Weight Watchers thing. I know it works. I know that it works well. Is it because I know that it does work I figure it'll still work if I only kinda sorta follow the program. I think I over think things a little too much.

I've had a lot going through my head lately. Brad and I have been discussing James and what is best for him in preparation of school in September. He is a fairly well behaved, fairly polite little boy. He plays well by himself. I only want what is best for him. Brad is strongly making an argument for placing him in pre-school two days a week (most centres won't allow for only one day). I feel guilt either way. I feel guilty for keeping him home, without interaction with other kids. He is good at playing independently when I'm cleaning or cooking dinner. He doesn't mind being alone. However he doesn't share well and doesn't get to play with other kids all that much. I feel guilty for considering placing him in pre-school because I am home, I am able to take care of my own child. I will never again have the opportunity to be home with my kids all day everyday again. Once I go back to work that is it. Given our current financial situation, we also don't really need an extra $78 a week. Sure I'm good at the family budget and we can fit it in, especially since there is no more pizza and wings or eating out. I also know that it will be met with disapproval from my parents. And more than any thing else, I do not want to disappoint my parents.

I digress. Hard life decisions. My kids are my world and I only want what is best for them. I had a fair lonely childhood and didn't make friends well...and as Brad loves to point out...I do not share my toys well.

I did well today with both food and activity. Got my run on this afternoon after the ran stopped and the sun came out and used all but three points of food. Considering a beer....hmmmm....................

Today's dinner was my own creation. Quinoa with beef sirloin stir-fry.