Last week at weigh in I gained 1 lb. So I'm back up to 177. Haven't been tracking as much as I should. I don't know if it is the summer block or just the emotions getting the better of me.
I've been feeling trapped and overwhelmed as of late. Doesn't help that I am left at home with a half done house, a cave for a laundry room (dark and extremely dirty) and left NO FRIGGING CAR SEAT. What if there is an emergency? My husband is too goddamn lazy to either switch the cars in the morning or put the car seat back in mine. Whoops...and there is the problem. There is a stain still in the marriage. I've eluded to it in the past. In me it is getting worse and worse the closer I get to work. The closer my return to work date gets (and to this point, I really don't know when exactly that will be, I have an inquiry into that at HR) the more stressed and overwhelmed I get. Things aren't getting done. I've finally given up on nagging and have taken to some of the projects myself. I'm currently in the process of removing some evergreens from the front of our house. I'm just waiting for the perfect weekend where I'm not doing anything to remove the stumps I created two weeks ago. With the help of my Father I am ceramic tiling my front entry way. I've ripped up the old damaged hardwood myself, gotten help to lay some plywood...next week we're tiling and I'm so excited for it. This was a project that we bought all the materials for three...four years ago. I manage to get a lot done as James sleeps. I do find it a little frustrating doing things in hour and a half stints though. I'm the kind of person who will sit for hours doing something...I don't like leaving things half done. Must do things start to finish with maybe a day in between. See? This bothers me. I am able to tile a frigging floor in a total of two weeks start to finish while my husband was laid off for four months and GOT NOTHING DONE. What the fuck? The more I think about it all, the angrier I get and I don't know how to talk to him without my temper getting in the way.
So once again, I am sidetracked from what I really want the most. I haven't been exercising...aerobics starts up again next week thank god...I haven't been watching what I should be eating. I'm just a ball of rage and emotion. Up until now I think I've been pretty patient and understanding. I've run out of patience and understanding. It wouldn't be so bad if he were helpful around the house. Picking up after himself. Putting his lunch bag in the closet after work, not on the kitchen table. Maybe do the laundry twice a week so I don't have to go down into the cave and see the mess that my lower house has become...a source of constant embarrassment. It wouldn't be so bad if he were to do the yard work. Best I see it, I do all the housework, yard work, baby stuff while he does the dishes and makes the bottles every other night. This is why I'm stressing about going back to work. Where in the hell am I going to find time to do everything if I'm working? Most of it I do during the day now. I don't want to do it on the weekend...I want to spend time with James as well.
I'm stuck between guilt of expecting more out of him even though he works, and pissed off because I know more will be expected out of me. I married a lazy, lazy man...who wasn't this lazy when we got married. I don't know what I did or when he stopped caring but I can't live like this. Something has got to give. Add to that my unhappiness with my body and weight...I'm a mess with no escape in sight. Yes...this would be my cry for help. I'm hurting inside and am trying to appear strong on the outside so that no ones knows anything is wrong but I'm not made of stone. I'm about to crack.
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