Didn't journal. Didn't exercise (other than aerobics last week). Didn't even attend a meeting this weekend. I'm faltering again.
Don't know how much of it is my sadness of the passing of time. James is growing and developing in leaps and bounds right now. As soon as he hit that 9 month mark last week, he's learning a lot of new things. He has 5 teeth and can sit up all on his own. Crawl like a fiend. He's so close to walking on his own it is scary. I just sit and watch him thinking how quickly the time goes. I'm afraid I've wasted my time and his time and I haven't taught him all I should. Silly I know. But as I get closer and closer to having to leave him, I get sadder and sadder and I just want to hold him (which of course he is NOT interested in. He wants to squirm and walk and play). He plays independently now for long stretches of time. He is still as happy as can be. Loves books and flipping through the pages. He'll crawl over to his books and pull them all out and look at each one for half an hour.
Door....SWEET! I just got invited to a "How Can You Survive The End of the World" convention. Unless there are Zombies involved...SO NOT interested in learning about Jehovah.
Where was I? Oh yes, speaking of Zombies, the nightmares I was plagued with just after James was born are back. Worse this time. This time the Zombies actually got me. I woke up just in time to avoid being eaten alive. I slept under the blankets for the rest of the night. It is ridiculous really. A grown 30 year old woman being terrified of her nightmares to the point where she is convinced the world has ended outside her window. The world was disturbingly quiet however. Quieter than it should have been at 4:30 in the morning. Usually I can begin to hear the birds at that time. Even with the sun up, my unease hasn't left me. I guess it is my sub-conscious mind again, beginning to mourn my new life that I have come to know and love. It will all be over as of October 27th. I am not looking forward to the juggling it is going to have to take to live my new-new life. I have no model to go by. No example to follow. My Mom stayed at home with the kids. I feel like I will be robbing James by going back to work. But sadly, there is no other option. Unfortunately raising children as I am learning makes you so unsure of yourself to the point of tears. Am I feeding him right, am I doing the right thing by not putting him in daycare and letting my parents watch him? Am I taking advantage of my parents in asking them to take on this huge responsibility?
I've got so much going on in life and in my head. So much that still needs to be done around the house. August is going to be crazy nuts busy. The mortgage will be renewed and our refinanced money will be in. We'll be getting a new desperately needed roof, new windows, digging out the driveway and patio in back. All hopefully done by the time I have to go back. So much happening that eating right and watching my points has taken a back seat.
This week all I can hope for is to start small. Journal everything. I've put away my 3 month Journal for a while and will be using the weekly paper journal. Easier to carry around and remember to track.
Last week was my official break from it all. We ate out a lot. There were pizza and wings. McDonald's twice (okay, okay, I DID have salad both times for only 7 points), Taco Bell, Kelseys' with my Mom. A busy week. This week is going to be busier since this weekend there is two family BBQs (on the same day), a wedding shower, I'm looking forward to having all my friends over for lunch tomorrow...everyone who is currently on Maternity Leave and lunch with a friend Friday. Busy week. Thank goodness no baseball this week. I don't need that mental game on top of it all. Wish me luck...and sweeter dreams.
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