To make my life easier...let's go with whatever week I'm in officiall with Weight Watchers and since I'm too lazy to look that up right now...I don't give a poop.
Let's see what is new this week? Trying to get back on track. After my last blog I got a really encouraging message on facebook from one of my professors from college. I now work in the same college by a turn of the fates. I saw my return to work there as one of my biggest failures in my life. I graduated from a program, lasted two years in the advertising industry and came running back home. It was there that I got one of the best compliments from one of my newspaper sales reps. She told me I was "too sweet" to make it but insisted on giving me a letter of reference. For the longest time I saw my new career as a failure. Now thanks to your message Cathy, I am able to see it for what it is; one of my biggests successes of my life. I am happy in my job. I love working at the college. It had been a part of my life for going on 25 years (my father worked there too) and I am happy to be giving back in some small way. I'm trying to be more easy going, giving into chaos. Who cares if things aren't as I planned (even though I am anal to the point of OCD...I even make phone scripts for some calls)...I'll get to where I want and be happy...eventually. Sometimes you forget that. I will get back to the gym and maybe I won't look like I once did but I'll be happy.
Had only one day of "oopsy" this week. Went out for lunch with Mom and even though we went to Swiss Chalet and I ordered the chicken on a kaiser and salad, said no to dessert....later in the day I allowed my Mom to buy me a chocolate bar. In my defence...do you know how long it has been since I've had a Wunderbar?!? I said no later to an iced coffee. Baby steps.
Speaking of baby steps. Getting my exercise in chasing James everywhere. He's walking around the perimiter of rooms. He's crawling across them and giving me heart attacks everywhere we go. I'm in trouble in the future I think. What does it mean when you say "No-no James" and in return you get a look over the shoulder with a grin? Oh crap.
Here's yesterday's journal. I may have missed some BLT's (bites, licks and tastes of James's snacks) here and there working on dropping those out of my daily eating.
POINTS® Tracker entries
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Morning
1 serving(s) Shreddies 3
1 cup(s) fresh blueberries 1
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 4
Midday
2 cup(s) green cabbage 0
2 tbsp Kraft Free Coleslaw Dressing - Quick-added food 1
Subtotal 1
Evening
2 slices Dr. Okter Spinach Thin Crust Pizza - Quick-added food 10
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 10
Anytime
2 serving(s) Silhouette 0+_Yogurt 1.5
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
2 tbsp reduced-fat peanut butter 4.5
2 serving(s) Mr. Christie Arrowroot Cookie 1.5
Subtotal 9.5
Food POINTS values total used 24.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise
90 min softball 5
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Week 23 - Giving up?
I have no motivation. I am bloated this week by three pounds. Scale at home is showing my weight at 177. Not fun. I am trying not to let it get me down but of course it is. I am convinced I am destined to have a "Mom Body" the rest of my life and will be relegated to "Mom Jeans" with the nice pouch in the front and the junk in the trunk. Well...okay, I like the junk in the trunk...but only when it stops doing jumping jacks within 15 seconds of me doing jumping jacks. Oh hell...who am I kidding?? I don't do jumping jacks!
I tried jumping jacks at aerobics on Monday and let us just say the bladder control isn't exactly up to par. Glad to share with you.
I'm trying to look within myself and determine if I have indeed given up. At least temporarily. I see my return to work in a few short months as another new beginning. The plan (HA! *) is to start right back up at the gym for three days a week on my lunch hour for the first month and then get back up to five days like I was before. I stopped going to the gym early on in my pregnancy unfortunately due to horrible morning sickness that lasted into my 6 month of being pregnant and by that time I was too fat to care.
* I say HA because so far any and all of my plans since becoming pregnant and having James haven't exactly panned out. The only thing I managed to do was continue to walk to work (for the most part) until I was 7 months. I planned on going to the gym throughout...didn't happen. I planned on walking daily with James while on Maternity leave. Clearly didn't happen. Why should this final plan go was I expect? And it is with THAT attitude I am setting myself up for failure.
Why is this so important to me? Why am I sabotaging myself when it is bringing me down and clearly the focus of my entire time off and sometimes gets in the way of enjoying my baby? Vanity. Selfishness. Conceitedness (is that a word?). At the risk of losing "friends" on Facebook (ha ha ha!) how do I word this? Facebook pushed me to work hard at my body before I got pregnant. In highschool I was a non-person. I honestly do not think people noticed me or knew who I was. I of course (like many girls 15-19) thought I was hideously overweight (looking back at pictures I wasn't). I wanted to at least maintain and tone my body so as each new friend I gained on Facebook from highschool would see me and think, damn, she looks good. It was for some reason important to me that I didn't have a Mom Body (at that point of course I didn't, I didn't have a child!) when so many of the others had (IMO...) "let themselves go". Now I am in that category. Then again, in college I was fat...which prompted me to join Weight Watchers in the first place. I was an odd kind of person in college. Didn't really want to be there. Wasn't allowed to go to the college or program I wanted and just sort of fell into where I was. My weight soared then too. When I am unhappy in my situation in life, I let things get away from me then I struggle back.
I tried jumping jacks at aerobics on Monday and let us just say the bladder control isn't exactly up to par. Glad to share with you.
I'm trying to look within myself and determine if I have indeed given up. At least temporarily. I see my return to work in a few short months as another new beginning. The plan (HA! *) is to start right back up at the gym for three days a week on my lunch hour for the first month and then get back up to five days like I was before. I stopped going to the gym early on in my pregnancy unfortunately due to horrible morning sickness that lasted into my 6 month of being pregnant and by that time I was too fat to care.
* I say HA because so far any and all of my plans since becoming pregnant and having James haven't exactly panned out. The only thing I managed to do was continue to walk to work (for the most part) until I was 7 months. I planned on going to the gym throughout...didn't happen. I planned on walking daily with James while on Maternity leave. Clearly didn't happen. Why should this final plan go was I expect? And it is with THAT attitude I am setting myself up for failure.
Why is this so important to me? Why am I sabotaging myself when it is bringing me down and clearly the focus of my entire time off and sometimes gets in the way of enjoying my baby? Vanity. Selfishness. Conceitedness (is that a word?). At the risk of losing "friends" on Facebook (ha ha ha!) how do I word this? Facebook pushed me to work hard at my body before I got pregnant. In highschool I was a non-person. I honestly do not think people noticed me or knew who I was. I of course (like many girls 15-19) thought I was hideously overweight (looking back at pictures I wasn't). I wanted to at least maintain and tone my body so as each new friend I gained on Facebook from highschool would see me and think, damn, she looks good. It was for some reason important to me that I didn't have a Mom Body (at that point of course I didn't, I didn't have a child!) when so many of the others had (IMO...) "let themselves go". Now I am in that category. Then again, in college I was fat...which prompted me to join Weight Watchers in the first place. I was an odd kind of person in college. Didn't really want to be there. Wasn't allowed to go to the college or program I wanted and just sort of fell into where I was. My weight soared then too. When I am unhappy in my situation in life, I let things get away from me then I struggle back.
I am living vicariously through two year old pictures of me on my profile and online photo albums. I am living a lie on line. I'm like a creepy on line dater who posts pictures of models to pass off as myself. I could post current pictures...I just don't have any. I haven't allowed many pictures of me with James. So if any of my close friends do have some or of me while pregnant, please send them my way. I would like to see them...if only to know that I have come a long way and really don't have far to go...it is just this elephant skin on my midsection that is going to be a bitch to tame.
Vanity be thy name.
Here's James and I now...self portraits...no body shots ;)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Week 23 - Damned if you do...
Riddle me this...
How is it that I can feel guilty that I haven't taken James out for as many walks as I intended yet when I do take him for a walk I feel guilty that he's spent that much time in the stroller?
That is time he could be playing and learning. I intentionally took him during his nap time thinking (like when he was little) he'd fall asleep on our walk. No dice. He was alert and looking all around. Talking and cooing. He finished off his juice (it was a heck of a lot hotter than I thought it was outside). We stopped at a park and played on the swings which, he loved. It was a nice long 90 minute walk. Good for us both I suppose. Now I just have to stop feeling guilty about every little thing I do with him!!
Part of my insecurity and stress comes with feeding him. And oddly, I think it has a lot to do with my self image and eating issues. I know that if I'm not careful, my weight will get way out of control. That is the reason I joined Weight Watchers the first time at 21. I saw my weight sky rocketing and I wanted to put a stop to it and reverse it before it got too bad. Even now. As lackadaisical (is that how you spell it?) as I am following the program, at least my weight isn't getting worse than it is. With that in mind and all the studies pointing to obese children, I do not want that for my son. I've got weight issues, his Father is a big man, I want James to be a happy, confident healthy little boy. Isn't that what all Mothers want for their babies? But...how do I do that? I'm still feeding James baby foods...we seem stuck at foods for 6 month olds. He won't eat the junior food. I've read somewhere that babies don't like tasting too many things at once and they are better off eating people food separately. I would like to move away from the baby food and jars (it is getting darn expensive) but Brad and I don't exactly eat the healthiest. To feed James properly and to lay good food and healthy foundations in him, Brad and I are going to have to change our lifestyle. I'm already trying to get away from processed food and too many carbs and foods out of boxes. This means I am at a loss when it comes to eating and feeding my baby.
It means I am going to have to plan meals in advance...have food (fresh foods) in the house and available to eat and cook with. I've never been very good at planning meals in advance. They recommend it for Weight Watchers and I know it'll help me to lose weight quicker...I just can't seem to get my head around it all. So instead of figuring out dinner and doing the right thing, I get frustrated, give up and we end up eating out of a box. ARUGH!
I have fed James a few things here and there. When he isn't napping, which usually falls around our dinner time, I give him what I think are "healthy" things for him to eat...homemade baked french fries, chicken, roast beef, vegetables.
It is a struggle and just one more thing I'm going to have to figure out for the health of my family, myself and most importantly my baby. This is when it matters most. Teaching him skills that he will use for the rest of his life and it scares me shitless.
How is it that I can feel guilty that I haven't taken James out for as many walks as I intended yet when I do take him for a walk I feel guilty that he's spent that much time in the stroller?
That is time he could be playing and learning. I intentionally took him during his nap time thinking (like when he was little) he'd fall asleep on our walk. No dice. He was alert and looking all around. Talking and cooing. He finished off his juice (it was a heck of a lot hotter than I thought it was outside). We stopped at a park and played on the swings which, he loved. It was a nice long 90 minute walk. Good for us both I suppose. Now I just have to stop feeling guilty about every little thing I do with him!!
Part of my insecurity and stress comes with feeding him. And oddly, I think it has a lot to do with my self image and eating issues. I know that if I'm not careful, my weight will get way out of control. That is the reason I joined Weight Watchers the first time at 21. I saw my weight sky rocketing and I wanted to put a stop to it and reverse it before it got too bad. Even now. As lackadaisical (is that how you spell it?) as I am following the program, at least my weight isn't getting worse than it is. With that in mind and all the studies pointing to obese children, I do not want that for my son. I've got weight issues, his Father is a big man, I want James to be a happy, confident healthy little boy. Isn't that what all Mothers want for their babies? But...how do I do that? I'm still feeding James baby foods...we seem stuck at foods for 6 month olds. He won't eat the junior food. I've read somewhere that babies don't like tasting too many things at once and they are better off eating people food separately. I would like to move away from the baby food and jars (it is getting darn expensive) but Brad and I don't exactly eat the healthiest. To feed James properly and to lay good food and healthy foundations in him, Brad and I are going to have to change our lifestyle. I'm already trying to get away from processed food and too many carbs and foods out of boxes. This means I am at a loss when it comes to eating and feeding my baby.
It means I am going to have to plan meals in advance...have food (fresh foods) in the house and available to eat and cook with. I've never been very good at planning meals in advance. They recommend it for Weight Watchers and I know it'll help me to lose weight quicker...I just can't seem to get my head around it all. So instead of figuring out dinner and doing the right thing, I get frustrated, give up and we end up eating out of a box. ARUGH!
I have fed James a few things here and there. When he isn't napping, which usually falls around our dinner time, I give him what I think are "healthy" things for him to eat...homemade baked french fries, chicken, roast beef, vegetables.
It is a struggle and just one more thing I'm going to have to figure out for the health of my family, myself and most importantly my baby. This is when it matters most. Teaching him skills that he will use for the rest of his life and it scares me shitless.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Week 23 - Vacation from it all
Didn't journal. Didn't exercise (other than aerobics last week). Didn't even attend a meeting this weekend. I'm faltering again.
Don't know how much of it is my sadness of the passing of time. James is growing and developing in leaps and bounds right now. As soon as he hit that 9 month mark last week, he's learning a lot of new things. He has 5 teeth and can sit up all on his own. Crawl like a fiend. He's so close to walking on his own it is scary. I just sit and watch him thinking how quickly the time goes. I'm afraid I've wasted my time and his time and I haven't taught him all I should. Silly I know. But as I get closer and closer to having to leave him, I get sadder and sadder and I just want to hold him (which of course he is NOT interested in. He wants to squirm and walk and play). He plays independently now for long stretches of time. He is still as happy as can be. Loves books and flipping through the pages. He'll crawl over to his books and pull them all out and look at each one for half an hour.
Door....SWEET! I just got invited to a "How Can You Survive The End of the World" convention. Unless there are Zombies involved...SO NOT interested in learning about Jehovah.
Where was I? Oh yes, speaking of Zombies, the nightmares I was plagued with just after James was born are back. Worse this time. This time the Zombies actually got me. I woke up just in time to avoid being eaten alive. I slept under the blankets for the rest of the night. It is ridiculous really. A grown 30 year old woman being terrified of her nightmares to the point where she is convinced the world has ended outside her window. The world was disturbingly quiet however. Quieter than it should have been at 4:30 in the morning. Usually I can begin to hear the birds at that time. Even with the sun up, my unease hasn't left me. I guess it is my sub-conscious mind again, beginning to mourn my new life that I have come to know and love. It will all be over as of October 27th. I am not looking forward to the juggling it is going to have to take to live my new-new life. I have no model to go by. No example to follow. My Mom stayed at home with the kids. I feel like I will be robbing James by going back to work. But sadly, there is no other option. Unfortunately raising children as I am learning makes you so unsure of yourself to the point of tears. Am I feeding him right, am I doing the right thing by not putting him in daycare and letting my parents watch him? Am I taking advantage of my parents in asking them to take on this huge responsibility?
I've got so much going on in life and in my head. So much that still needs to be done around the house. August is going to be crazy nuts busy. The mortgage will be renewed and our refinanced money will be in. We'll be getting a new desperately needed roof, new windows, digging out the driveway and patio in back. All hopefully done by the time I have to go back. So much happening that eating right and watching my points has taken a back seat.
This week all I can hope for is to start small. Journal everything. I've put away my 3 month Journal for a while and will be using the weekly paper journal. Easier to carry around and remember to track.
Last week was my official break from it all. We ate out a lot. There were pizza and wings. McDonald's twice (okay, okay, I DID have salad both times for only 7 points), Taco Bell, Kelseys' with my Mom. A busy week. This week is going to be busier since this weekend there is two family BBQs (on the same day), a wedding shower, I'm looking forward to having all my friends over for lunch tomorrow...everyone who is currently on Maternity Leave and lunch with a friend Friday. Busy week. Thank goodness no baseball this week. I don't need that mental game on top of it all. Wish me luck...and sweeter dreams.
Don't know how much of it is my sadness of the passing of time. James is growing and developing in leaps and bounds right now. As soon as he hit that 9 month mark last week, he's learning a lot of new things. He has 5 teeth and can sit up all on his own. Crawl like a fiend. He's so close to walking on his own it is scary. I just sit and watch him thinking how quickly the time goes. I'm afraid I've wasted my time and his time and I haven't taught him all I should. Silly I know. But as I get closer and closer to having to leave him, I get sadder and sadder and I just want to hold him (which of course he is NOT interested in. He wants to squirm and walk and play). He plays independently now for long stretches of time. He is still as happy as can be. Loves books and flipping through the pages. He'll crawl over to his books and pull them all out and look at each one for half an hour.
Door....SWEET! I just got invited to a "How Can You Survive The End of the World" convention. Unless there are Zombies involved...SO NOT interested in learning about Jehovah.
Where was I? Oh yes, speaking of Zombies, the nightmares I was plagued with just after James was born are back. Worse this time. This time the Zombies actually got me. I woke up just in time to avoid being eaten alive. I slept under the blankets for the rest of the night. It is ridiculous really. A grown 30 year old woman being terrified of her nightmares to the point where she is convinced the world has ended outside her window. The world was disturbingly quiet however. Quieter than it should have been at 4:30 in the morning. Usually I can begin to hear the birds at that time. Even with the sun up, my unease hasn't left me. I guess it is my sub-conscious mind again, beginning to mourn my new life that I have come to know and love. It will all be over as of October 27th. I am not looking forward to the juggling it is going to have to take to live my new-new life. I have no model to go by. No example to follow. My Mom stayed at home with the kids. I feel like I will be robbing James by going back to work. But sadly, there is no other option. Unfortunately raising children as I am learning makes you so unsure of yourself to the point of tears. Am I feeding him right, am I doing the right thing by not putting him in daycare and letting my parents watch him? Am I taking advantage of my parents in asking them to take on this huge responsibility?
I've got so much going on in life and in my head. So much that still needs to be done around the house. August is going to be crazy nuts busy. The mortgage will be renewed and our refinanced money will be in. We'll be getting a new desperately needed roof, new windows, digging out the driveway and patio in back. All hopefully done by the time I have to go back. So much happening that eating right and watching my points has taken a back seat.
This week all I can hope for is to start small. Journal everything. I've put away my 3 month Journal for a while and will be using the weekly paper journal. Easier to carry around and remember to track.
Last week was my official break from it all. We ate out a lot. There were pizza and wings. McDonald's twice (okay, okay, I DID have salad both times for only 7 points), Taco Bell, Kelseys' with my Mom. A busy week. This week is going to be busier since this weekend there is two family BBQs (on the same day), a wedding shower, I'm looking forward to having all my friends over for lunch tomorrow...everyone who is currently on Maternity Leave and lunch with a friend Friday. Busy week. Thank goodness no baseball this week. I don't need that mental game on top of it all. Wish me luck...and sweeter dreams.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Week 22 - SUCCESS!
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I REALLY REALLY DID IT!
I have a new key chain on my ring now. I've gotten rid of my old key chain with my goal and life time charms on it and replaced it with my BRAND NEW 10% Goal keyring. I'm so ecstatic! I finally got to 10% of my initial starting weight. I've now lost 19.4 pounds with Weight Watchers. 63 gone in total. 10% may not seem like a lot to people who haven't had the privilege of following the program. But for us in the cult of WWers...it means a lot.
I lost 1 pound last week after three weeks of chasing my first official goal with Weight Watchers. There was a horrible storm raging outside and just as I was about to be presented with my keyring, the power went out. As they finished with me, the power came back on. I was totally okay with that. The early Saturday morning meetings are full. Over 100 people on a good day. With the power off, the lights were out and no one could look at me. However, even in the dark the leader could tell I was getting emotional and even commented on it. How could I not? I had convinced myself that after a baby, that is the end of the body and weight you once had. I had enough people tell me that as well. To all of them I say, "Screw you...I'm doing it".
As I sit here writing this blog, waiting for James to wake up, I'm wearing one of my older size 7 skirts. I can't get too excited about it though. I probably shouldn't be. We are going to a memorial service today and I can't very well wear any of the clothes I have gotten over the past few months. They are all casual and I'd feel very disrespectful wearing them. So I've squeezed into a size 7 jean skirt...thank god for stretch fit and longer shirts. I can sit (comfortably!!!) in it so it'll do for now. I do feel a little bad for wearing denim to something like this...but have I mentioned...it is a 7?!?!?!?!
The weekend was all mine. Pizza and wings. A MooLatte from Dairy Queen. Pancakes for breakfast Sunday. Time to get back on the horse today and start journalling again.
Baseball is tomorrow. Haven't decided what I'm going to do yet as far as playing since I'm scared SHITLESS the more I think about it, the worse it gets. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Need to get over this fear or I'll never play again.
Aerobics tonight. Hopefully the ankle will be okay for bouncing and jumping around on it. Busy week ahead.
The weekend was all mine. Pizza and wings. A MooLatte from Dairy Queen. Pancakes for breakfast Sunday. Time to get back on the horse today and start journalling again.
Baseball is tomorrow. Haven't decided what I'm going to do yet as far as playing since I'm scared SHITLESS the more I think about it, the worse it gets. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Need to get over this fear or I'll never play again.
Aerobics tonight. Hopefully the ankle will be okay for bouncing and jumping around on it. Busy week ahead.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Week 22 - The Date
October 27th. That is my day to count down to. Back to work. I have mix emotions about going back. I've grown accustomed to my current new life. Fairly routine. James is an easy going, happy-go-lucky baby. When I go back to work, life will become hectic and more stressful and busy. I'm not looking forward to the aspect of leaving my baby for the majority of the day.
I am looking forward to a more structured day. No pantry at my beck and call. No arrowroots handy and ready. I'm especially looking forward to getting back to the gym at lunch.
This week has gone okay. I've been tracking everything again. I may not be right within my daily point range but I am writing it all down. We've had two softball games this week. I only played one and a half. I got hit again at the Wednesday's game. Left leg, above my ankle. This time it throbs worse than the last time. I'm now scared poopless. I've mentioned before that I enjoy playing baseball. It is the only activity I do currently that makes me relax and feel like my old self again. When I'm playing, I'm not Brad's wife, I'm not James' Mommy. I'm just another player on the field. I enjoy pitching. I enjoy the stress and the pressure. All I have to do is concentrate on the ball hitting the board. I enjoy friendly banter with the other team's batters and joking with my own teammates. I love getting up to bat. I love the concentration it takes on hitting the ball and trying to out run the throw to first. I'm free when I play. Now I am terrified. I am happy to take a ball off the knee like the first time or the leg like this time. It stings at first, then throbs then the best part, turns purple and blue and brown and yellow. I'll proudly wear my bruises like badges. I'm not a girly-girl by any definition of the word. However...once I get hit on the leg, in my head, every other ball hit after that is coming straight for my head. I'm terrified of getting hit in the eye socket. Very specific I know. I was able to pitch a few innings after getting hit. Even take my turn at bat. By the second game of the double header Wednesday night, the anxiety had built up so big in my head that I finally broke down and cried. I can't not play. That isn't an option. However, where else can I play? Part of the problem was I had a massively bad headache before the game and all day before playing. I took migraine relief pills followed by an energy drink trying to get rid of the pain. My reflexes probably weren't what they should have been normally. It wasn't an especially fast line drive. I should have gotten the leather on it or been able to dodge it. Too slow pokey joe.
I got to get over my fears. As it is I'm going to get shin pads. What can I wear on my head that won't get in the way of fielding but will protect me in case my reflexes aren't there?
Tomorrow is weigh in. Wish me luck for that elusive 10%!
I am looking forward to a more structured day. No pantry at my beck and call. No arrowroots handy and ready. I'm especially looking forward to getting back to the gym at lunch.
This week has gone okay. I've been tracking everything again. I may not be right within my daily point range but I am writing it all down. We've had two softball games this week. I only played one and a half. I got hit again at the Wednesday's game. Left leg, above my ankle. This time it throbs worse than the last time. I'm now scared poopless. I've mentioned before that I enjoy playing baseball. It is the only activity I do currently that makes me relax and feel like my old self again. When I'm playing, I'm not Brad's wife, I'm not James' Mommy. I'm just another player on the field. I enjoy pitching. I enjoy the stress and the pressure. All I have to do is concentrate on the ball hitting the board. I enjoy friendly banter with the other team's batters and joking with my own teammates. I love getting up to bat. I love the concentration it takes on hitting the ball and trying to out run the throw to first. I'm free when I play. Now I am terrified. I am happy to take a ball off the knee like the first time or the leg like this time. It stings at first, then throbs then the best part, turns purple and blue and brown and yellow. I'll proudly wear my bruises like badges. I'm not a girly-girl by any definition of the word. However...once I get hit on the leg, in my head, every other ball hit after that is coming straight for my head. I'm terrified of getting hit in the eye socket. Very specific I know. I was able to pitch a few innings after getting hit. Even take my turn at bat. By the second game of the double header Wednesday night, the anxiety had built up so big in my head that I finally broke down and cried. I can't not play. That isn't an option. However, where else can I play? Part of the problem was I had a massively bad headache before the game and all day before playing. I took migraine relief pills followed by an energy drink trying to get rid of the pain. My reflexes probably weren't what they should have been normally. It wasn't an especially fast line drive. I should have gotten the leather on it or been able to dodge it. Too slow pokey joe.
I got to get over my fears. As it is I'm going to get shin pads. What can I wear on my head that won't get in the way of fielding but will protect me in case my reflexes aren't there?
Tomorrow is weigh in. Wish me luck for that elusive 10%!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Week 22 (?) - Update Blog
Where to begin?
Let us start with Saturday's weigh in. I lost 1.2 this week. But it doesn't count. Previous week I gained 1.0 so TECHNICALLY I lost 0.2 this week. This upcoming Saturday's weigh in will be week number 3 that I am hoping to achieve Weight Watcher's first main goal of reaching my 10%. I was only 0.8 away from getting a new key chain...this week I'm going to do it. That will make an official 19.2 pounds lost at meetings. I don't *think* I can. I *KNOW* I can.
It has been a busy week so far and it is only Tuesday. Brad had a fire lit under his ass of which I am grateful. He's worked on the basement, started working on the bricks for around his garden (which have been sitting on my patio for a month), helped me take out my evergreen stumps in my front garden. We even managed to go down to the "It's Your Festival" at Gage Park. We made it to Babies R Us to pick up some baby gates (can someone please show me how to use these mother flarkers?) AND got groceries. This is not lazy. This is what I like. Keeping busy. Idle hands are the work of the devil you know.
Yesterday I had a lot of coffee, diet cola, crystal light and an iced coffee thrown in the mix. I was a little high strung and flying. I got so much done though. I think as I get closer and closer to work I get more and more anxious and nervous and worried. I don't want to leave James even if it is just going to be with my parents. I feel guilty now for asking them to watch them. They could have said no...but what if they felt they couldn't? They've already raised to kids. They are retired. This is a big responsibility. Crap, I look at my day and routine, it is busy I hardly ever sit down. When I'm not playing with James I'm either feeding him or walking him around the house. When he is napping I clean like a woman possessed. Yesterday for example I:
Let us start with Saturday's weigh in. I lost 1.2 this week. But it doesn't count. Previous week I gained 1.0 so TECHNICALLY I lost 0.2 this week. This upcoming Saturday's weigh in will be week number 3 that I am hoping to achieve Weight Watcher's first main goal of reaching my 10%. I was only 0.8 away from getting a new key chain...this week I'm going to do it. That will make an official 19.2 pounds lost at meetings. I don't *think* I can. I *KNOW* I can.
It has been a busy week so far and it is only Tuesday. Brad had a fire lit under his ass of which I am grateful. He's worked on the basement, started working on the bricks for around his garden (which have been sitting on my patio for a month), helped me take out my evergreen stumps in my front garden. We even managed to go down to the "It's Your Festival" at Gage Park. We made it to Babies R Us to pick up some baby gates (can someone please show me how to use these mother flarkers?) AND got groceries. This is not lazy. This is what I like. Keeping busy. Idle hands are the work of the devil you know.
Yesterday I had a lot of coffee, diet cola, crystal light and an iced coffee thrown in the mix. I was a little high strung and flying. I got so much done though. I think as I get closer and closer to work I get more and more anxious and nervous and worried. I don't want to leave James even if it is just going to be with my parents. I feel guilty now for asking them to watch them. They could have said no...but what if they felt they couldn't? They've already raised to kids. They are retired. This is a big responsibility. Crap, I look at my day and routine, it is busy I hardly ever sit down. When I'm not playing with James I'm either feeding him or walking him around the house. When he is napping I clean like a woman possessed. Yesterday for example I:
- stripped our bed completely
- washed - the mattress cover, all the pillows, the blanket (which I hung outside to dry for that oh so clean outdoor freshness) and the sheets
- dusted our bedroom - which would include the ceiling fan and pictures on the wall, removing any and all knickknacks from all dressers and surfaces for individual dusting)
- dusted the living room (again, removing any and all knickknacks from surfaces, taking a damp cloth to the couches for cat hair removal, ceiling fan)
- cleaned outside picture window, window in stairwell and side screen door
- cleaned windows in front storm door including gross dirty screen itself
- took down front ugly drapes to wash them and am debating the need to put them back up
- made bottles
- vacuumed everything and everywhere
Oh and to add to my 6 hours of cleaning yesterday (a possible 15 activity points) we had two softball games last night. I pitched every inning and made base every time but once. My quads are completely healed (Thank GOD) so I was able to give it my all in running the bases, sadly I am still slow as all hell...but then again, I was the last season I played and in shape. So I got a LOT of exercise last night. A possible 7 activity points for 2 hours of baseball.
Today I'm feeling it. I'm tired and groggy and my parents are coming over to help me with the floor. There is another game tomorrow. If I don't get my 10% this week there is seriously something wrong with me and I should just give it the fuck it.
Stay busy folks!
POINTS® Tracker entries
Monday, July 06, 2009
Morning
1 serving(s) Shreddies 3
1/2 small banana(s) 0.5
3 cup(s) black coffee 0.5
Subtotal 4
Midday
2 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 2
4 slice(s) turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2 square) 2
1 tsp Honey mustard 0
1 slice(s) Mozzarella 1
32 fl oz Sugar Free Raspberry Ice 0.5
Subtotal 5.5
Evening
2 slickes Pizza Funghi - Quick-added food 10
Subtotal 10
Anytime
Tim Horton's Iced Coffee w/milk - Quick-added food 4
2 cup(s) Honey Bunches Of Oats 6
Subtotal 10
Food POINTS values total used 29.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Exercise
120 min softball 7
360 min cleaning 15
Activity POINTS values earned 22
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Week 23 - Quick Update
Last week at weigh in I gained 1 lb. So I'm back up to 177. Haven't been tracking as much as I should. I don't know if it is the summer block or just the emotions getting the better of me.
I've been feeling trapped and overwhelmed as of late. Doesn't help that I am left at home with a half done house, a cave for a laundry room (dark and extremely dirty) and left NO FRIGGING CAR SEAT. What if there is an emergency? My husband is too goddamn lazy to either switch the cars in the morning or put the car seat back in mine. Whoops...and there is the problem. There is a stain still in the marriage. I've eluded to it in the past. In me it is getting worse and worse the closer I get to work. The closer my return to work date gets (and to this point, I really don't know when exactly that will be, I have an inquiry into that at HR) the more stressed and overwhelmed I get. Things aren't getting done. I've finally given up on nagging and have taken to some of the projects myself. I'm currently in the process of removing some evergreens from the front of our house. I'm just waiting for the perfect weekend where I'm not doing anything to remove the stumps I created two weeks ago. With the help of my Father I am ceramic tiling my front entry way. I've ripped up the old damaged hardwood myself, gotten help to lay some plywood...next week we're tiling and I'm so excited for it. This was a project that we bought all the materials for three...four years ago. I manage to get a lot done as James sleeps. I do find it a little frustrating doing things in hour and a half stints though. I'm the kind of person who will sit for hours doing something...I don't like leaving things half done. Must do things start to finish with maybe a day in between. See? This bothers me. I am able to tile a frigging floor in a total of two weeks start to finish while my husband was laid off for four months and GOT NOTHING DONE. What the fuck? The more I think about it all, the angrier I get and I don't know how to talk to him without my temper getting in the way.
So once again, I am sidetracked from what I really want the most. I haven't been exercising...aerobics starts up again next week thank god...I haven't been watching what I should be eating. I'm just a ball of rage and emotion. Up until now I think I've been pretty patient and understanding. I've run out of patience and understanding. It wouldn't be so bad if he were helpful around the house. Picking up after himself. Putting his lunch bag in the closet after work, not on the kitchen table. Maybe do the laundry twice a week so I don't have to go down into the cave and see the mess that my lower house has become...a source of constant embarrassment. It wouldn't be so bad if he were to do the yard work. Best I see it, I do all the housework, yard work, baby stuff while he does the dishes and makes the bottles every other night. This is why I'm stressing about going back to work. Where in the hell am I going to find time to do everything if I'm working? Most of it I do during the day now. I don't want to do it on the weekend...I want to spend time with James as well.
I'm stuck between guilt of expecting more out of him even though he works, and pissed off because I know more will be expected out of me. I married a lazy, lazy man...who wasn't this lazy when we got married. I don't know what I did or when he stopped caring but I can't live like this. Something has got to give. Add to that my unhappiness with my body and weight...I'm a mess with no escape in sight. Yes...this would be my cry for help. I'm hurting inside and am trying to appear strong on the outside so that no ones knows anything is wrong but I'm not made of stone. I'm about to crack.
I've been feeling trapped and overwhelmed as of late. Doesn't help that I am left at home with a half done house, a cave for a laundry room (dark and extremely dirty) and left NO FRIGGING CAR SEAT. What if there is an emergency? My husband is too goddamn lazy to either switch the cars in the morning or put the car seat back in mine. Whoops...and there is the problem. There is a stain still in the marriage. I've eluded to it in the past. In me it is getting worse and worse the closer I get to work. The closer my return to work date gets (and to this point, I really don't know when exactly that will be, I have an inquiry into that at HR) the more stressed and overwhelmed I get. Things aren't getting done. I've finally given up on nagging and have taken to some of the projects myself. I'm currently in the process of removing some evergreens from the front of our house. I'm just waiting for the perfect weekend where I'm not doing anything to remove the stumps I created two weeks ago. With the help of my Father I am ceramic tiling my front entry way. I've ripped up the old damaged hardwood myself, gotten help to lay some plywood...next week we're tiling and I'm so excited for it. This was a project that we bought all the materials for three...four years ago. I manage to get a lot done as James sleeps. I do find it a little frustrating doing things in hour and a half stints though. I'm the kind of person who will sit for hours doing something...I don't like leaving things half done. Must do things start to finish with maybe a day in between. See? This bothers me. I am able to tile a frigging floor in a total of two weeks start to finish while my husband was laid off for four months and GOT NOTHING DONE. What the fuck? The more I think about it all, the angrier I get and I don't know how to talk to him without my temper getting in the way.
So once again, I am sidetracked from what I really want the most. I haven't been exercising...aerobics starts up again next week thank god...I haven't been watching what I should be eating. I'm just a ball of rage and emotion. Up until now I think I've been pretty patient and understanding. I've run out of patience and understanding. It wouldn't be so bad if he were helpful around the house. Picking up after himself. Putting his lunch bag in the closet after work, not on the kitchen table. Maybe do the laundry twice a week so I don't have to go down into the cave and see the mess that my lower house has become...a source of constant embarrassment. It wouldn't be so bad if he were to do the yard work. Best I see it, I do all the housework, yard work, baby stuff while he does the dishes and makes the bottles every other night. This is why I'm stressing about going back to work. Where in the hell am I going to find time to do everything if I'm working? Most of it I do during the day now. I don't want to do it on the weekend...I want to spend time with James as well.
I'm stuck between guilt of expecting more out of him even though he works, and pissed off because I know more will be expected out of me. I married a lazy, lazy man...who wasn't this lazy when we got married. I don't know what I did or when he stopped caring but I can't live like this. Something has got to give. Add to that my unhappiness with my body and weight...I'm a mess with no escape in sight. Yes...this would be my cry for help. I'm hurting inside and am trying to appear strong on the outside so that no ones knows anything is wrong but I'm not made of stone. I'm about to crack.
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