I hadn't intended on dressing up for Halloween, but since I am feeling and looking like a body from CSI that was just pulled out of a gully somewhere, I might as well take advantage right? Yeah. That's it. Perfectly terrifying. Little children can poke me with a stick to see if they can make me expel gas. DNA experts will have to determine if I am human or swine.
So, okay. I may be overly dramatic, it is just the way I have been feeling all week. I'll admit it. I haven't exactly followed program this week. The start of the week I journaled breakfast and lunch. Today I didn't even log on to the program. I have snacked non stop through out the day, and made the wrong food choices entirely. The good part? I have not been into the Halloween candy as of yet. However, that isn't saying much since Brad hid it on me as soon as it was brought home. I have a sneaking suspension it is in the hidden compartment in the trunk of my car, I'm just too fucking lazy to go and look.
Then there is Brad. He hasn't exactly been helpful this week. For his birthday he wanted ribs and chicken wings for dinner...along with potato wedges. Kim's kryptonite. No, no one held me at gun point, held my nose and waited for me to take a breath before shoving a wing down my throat. I enjoyed the deliciousness all on my own. When it comes to food pushing, my husband is second to none. It is so bad that he is not allowed to enter a grocery store on his own. Budget in place or not, I sent him out to buy milk and the man will come back with cinnamon rolls...because they were looking lonely. All alone on the reduced to sell rack. I can't blame him entirely. He is very close to 330 pounds. He was never taught or encouraged to eat a healthy balanced diet. Over indulgence was and is, his way of life and a few extra pounds was not seen as a problem. Unfortunately a few extra became a couple hundred. He was like that when I married him. I knew what I was getting into. Stupid me, thought I could change and help him. When he joined Weight Watchers with me once, he managed to lose 50 pounds and quickly. He even got to 280. I distinctly remember the conversation we had at our apartment in Toronto. I told him I had been getting ready to leave him for good as I was no longer attracted to him. I was so proud of him working so hard to lose the weight. When he did good, I did good. We were happy. He promised me that he would never ever get to be over 300 pounds again. Looking back on our relationship...there haven't been too many...if any...promises he's made to me that he's kept. Yet, I love the man. I must be fucking insane.
Today I was unable to get out and go for a run. I have been itching to get out and break the cycle. It seems if I"m able to get out alone for even half an hour and exercise, it will motivate me to do better and stay on track. Brad is on nights this weekend. Today he woke up and started moving a 2:45...he leaves for work at 3:45. Did not exactly leave me any time to do anything I wanted to get down, even something as simple as shower. So that means, I've had no help with the kids at all this weekend, I am going stir crazy and feeling really down on myself. All I am is a Mommy. Why should I care what I look like? After all, who am I trying to impress especially since I never leave the house. Hmmm...maybe that's it. Maybe he's doing this if even subconsciously, so I don't lose weight, go out have fun, find someone new...blah blah blah. I would suspect that is the case and why all the sabotage, if I wasn't smoking hot before I had kids and he's used to a super hot wife. LOL!
I'm just in a "poor me", self deprecating mood. Pardon my pity party. It just seems like such a long hard struggle. I'm impatient. I want me back now. I honestly don't feel like me right now. I do feel like just a Mother (which isn't an entirely bad thing) but I do miss Kim. I miss me. I miss my clothes. I hate this gut. I hate the way my gut hangs. I hate myself for allowing myself to get this way again...after doing so well my entire pregnancy, and then Piper was late, and I was so uncomfortable, I couldn't chase after James, I could only sit and wait...and eat.........and actually right now...I'd kill for a bag of ketchup chips and a beer.
K
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Well that didn't last long - I FOUND IT!
It was here last week. Has anyone seen it? If so, please return my motivation back to me, please. Why can I not stay on track for more than a week at a time? I have not gone out for a run at all since last week. Didn't yesterday because I was tired and still really sore from class. Today, I just wasn't feeling it. I can come up with every excuse in the book. I dread thinking what will happen come Monday. Halloween. Candy. It will be the ultimate challenge and test to my actual commitment to losing this weight.
I often wonder if I am still committed or if I've become placated to my new "Mom" body. Look, I"m under no false pretensions thinking my body will go back exactly the way it was before. I have already mourned and thrown a wake for my former breasts. They were fabulous previously. Now? Now they closely resemble deflated milk bags. Odd, especially since I didn't breast feed either of my children. These stretch marks are my war wounds which I will wear proudly for the rest of my life. My nipples oh my nipples...um...let us say not the small little cute pink nipples I once had (you are most welcome for that mental image!). And my belly button. Oh! For alas, my belly button. No more ring in it for you. Time to grow up. I may be growing up and getting older and more mature, but I will fight it tooth and nail the entire way to the grave. Which, would explain why at 32 years of age I finally said fuck it and got the tattoo of my necklace that I always wanted.
Maybe it is the change of the weather. Maybe I'm getting my period. Maybe I'm a little sad because my sweet little baby boy turned 3 last week. Who knows the cause. Who knows the reason. I'll get back on the wagon and start this vicious cycle all over again.
Until then, someone pass the chicken wings!
K
I often wonder if I am still committed or if I've become placated to my new "Mom" body. Look, I"m under no false pretensions thinking my body will go back exactly the way it was before. I have already mourned and thrown a wake for my former breasts. They were fabulous previously. Now? Now they closely resemble deflated milk bags. Odd, especially since I didn't breast feed either of my children. These stretch marks are my war wounds which I will wear proudly for the rest of my life. My nipples oh my nipples...um...let us say not the small little cute pink nipples I once had (you are most welcome for that mental image!). And my belly button. Oh! For alas, my belly button. No more ring in it for you. Time to grow up. I may be growing up and getting older and more mature, but I will fight it tooth and nail the entire way to the grave. Which, would explain why at 32 years of age I finally said fuck it and got the tattoo of my necklace that I always wanted.
Maybe it is the change of the weather. Maybe I'm getting my period. Maybe I'm a little sad because my sweet little baby boy turned 3 last week. Who knows the cause. Who knows the reason. I'll get back on the wagon and start this vicious cycle all over again.
Until then, someone pass the chicken wings!
K
BAH! SHIT!
I just lost a blog that I was working on!
It was pretty deep. I rambled some about how I've lost my motivation this past week, starting the cycle again. Pondered if I've accepted my new "Mom" body...blah blah blah...pass the bag of chips...blah blah blah. But I am tired and can't be bothered to rewrite it again.
So...good night. DAMMIT!
It was pretty deep. I rambled some about how I've lost my motivation this past week, starting the cycle again. Pondered if I've accepted my new "Mom" body...blah blah blah...pass the bag of chips...blah blah blah. But I am tired and can't be bothered to rewrite it again.
So...good night. DAMMIT!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
OUCHIE!
Bootcamp killed my glutes yesterday! Stupid bridges. Little sore today. Didn't go for a run today. Was busy making Halloween cookies for James to decorate and made my killer vegetable lasagna. Cottage cheese, spinach, zucchini, green and red peppers and mushrooms. Healthy, tastes good, a bitch to make, and James wouldn't even try it. Arugh! I keep trying new recipes try to incorporate vegetables and he is such a picky eater, I don't know why I even bother cooking. Oh well. Brad and I enjoyed it. I made two. One to eat now and one to freeze. Handy for when he's on nights.
Today's confession is an interesting one. I caved. I was so busy in the kitchen and when I'm cooking and banking there used to be nothing that I loved more than I frosty Diet Coke. So without thinking, I opened one. I had two sips and couldn't finish it. I just didn't like the taste. Gave it to Brad to finish. Honestly, it did not taste good. Huh. I amazed myself even.
Nothing else going on. Off to get my jammies on! Night all.
K
Today's confession is an interesting one. I caved. I was so busy in the kitchen and when I'm cooking and banking there used to be nothing that I loved more than I frosty Diet Coke. So without thinking, I opened one. I had two sips and couldn't finish it. I just didn't like the taste. Gave it to Brad to finish. Honestly, it did not taste good. Huh. I amazed myself even.
Nothing else going on. Off to get my jammies on! Night all.
K
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Results Blog
Drum roll please! I stayed exactly the same. Exactly. To the ounce. 194.8. Again. As determined as I am, I really don't think I can reach 20 pounds by December 21. As of right now, I am only 2.8 into that goal. I know that kind of thinking isn't going to help me out in the least. There is a lot to be said about the power of positive thinking. I know if I follow the Weight Watchers program to a "T" it is possible. However at the best of times I struggle being good. This week, while I did step up the activity level a LOT, there were some incidents that could have been avoided. Like the fry wagon (that I didn't blog about) on Saturday, the pumpkin pie cheese cake, 5 point cookie, banana bread. I aim to do better. I would like to lose at least a pound next week. Determination and stubborness will be my guide.
Tomorrow James and I will be decorating Halloween cookies. I love to bake. I love to try new recipes especially when it comes to baking...it is dangerous to have it around the house though. I know I can have anything in moderation, it is the moderation I'm still working on. As my daily points allowance gets less as I lose weight, there will be less room for these types of indulences so I might as well try and cut them out now. Thankfully the program has changed so that most fruits and vegetables are 0 points, so when hungry it really helps to have an apple or banana or carrots or brocolli. Smart thinking Weight Watchers! No one ever got fat eating salad!
Nothing new on the Mommy front. James is almost completly potty trained. He can go all through the night without any accidents. We're accident free for almost 2 weeks...peepee wise anyway. Poop is a whole 'nother story completely. Ugh. So far, the worst thing I've had to do (other than spork James' diaper for a poop sample) has been to clean out poopy underwear. I actually just threw out a pair entirely rather than have to figure how to get it out of a pair. It'll take some time. We'll be trying the sticker chart / reward system. People on facebook all seem to be in agreement this is the way to go. So we'll give it a try. At this point, I'll try anything!
K
Tomorrow James and I will be decorating Halloween cookies. I love to bake. I love to try new recipes especially when it comes to baking...it is dangerous to have it around the house though. I know I can have anything in moderation, it is the moderation I'm still working on. As my daily points allowance gets less as I lose weight, there will be less room for these types of indulences so I might as well try and cut them out now. Thankfully the program has changed so that most fruits and vegetables are 0 points, so when hungry it really helps to have an apple or banana or carrots or brocolli. Smart thinking Weight Watchers! No one ever got fat eating salad!
Nothing new on the Mommy front. James is almost completly potty trained. He can go all through the night without any accidents. We're accident free for almost 2 weeks...peepee wise anyway. Poop is a whole 'nother story completely. Ugh. So far, the worst thing I've had to do (other than spork James' diaper for a poop sample) has been to clean out poopy underwear. I actually just threw out a pair entirely rather than have to figure how to get it out of a pair. It'll take some time. We'll be trying the sticker chart / reward system. People on facebook all seem to be in agreement this is the way to go. So we'll give it a try. At this point, I'll try anything!
K
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Best Intentions...
I have a plan. Usually I am horrible at making them. I hate trying to think that much in advance. That usually means, when I don't have a dinner plan, we end up eating easy to prepare packaged food. Something I want to try to get away from. While I'm currently on maternity leave, it is easier for me to prepare an actual meal. Yesterday we got groceries and we purchased a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I had an idea of things I wanted to make this week:
Tonight we had the Eggplant Parmesan. Unfortunately we didn't have whole wheat pasta. So we made due with regular. James didn't eat the actual eggplant part...just the noodles. I managed to get in my servings of vegetables/fruit and milk today...and have had plenty of water. Still no Diet Coke. Almost a week has gone by without.
I'd also like to thank those of you who have taken the time to comment or send me a private message of encouragement. It means a lot to me knowing that people have taken an interest in my story. Weight has always been an issue in my life, a constant struggle and it is nice to know I am not alone and I have my cheer team standing behind me. And if I can help just one other person relate to what I am going through so they know they are not alone, I have done a good job.
K
Monday, October 24, 2011Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Meal Time Whole Wheat Bread 4
Deli Meat - Quick-added food 2
1 serving(s) strawberry banana juice 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) poppy seed dressing 1
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Subtotal 13
Evening
1 cup(s) cooked spaghetti 5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1/2 piece(s) pumpkin pie, prepared from recipe 4
1 Eggplant Parmigiana 3
Subtotal 15
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Foo PointsPlus values remaining 0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned 0
- Eggplant Parmesan
- Stuffed Green Peppers
- Homemade Spinach Lasagna
- Chili
Tonight we had the Eggplant Parmesan. Unfortunately we didn't have whole wheat pasta. So we made due with regular. James didn't eat the actual eggplant part...just the noodles. I managed to get in my servings of vegetables/fruit and milk today...and have had plenty of water. Still no Diet Coke. Almost a week has gone by without.
I'd also like to thank those of you who have taken the time to comment or send me a private message of encouragement. It means a lot to me knowing that people have taken an interest in my story. Weight has always been an issue in my life, a constant struggle and it is nice to know I am not alone and I have my cheer team standing behind me. And if I can help just one other person relate to what I am going through so they know they are not alone, I have done a good job.
K
Monday, October 24, 2011Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Meal Time Whole Wheat Bread 4
Deli Meat - Quick-added food 2
1 serving(s) strawberry banana juice 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) poppy seed dressing 1
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Subtotal 13
Evening
1 cup(s) cooked spaghetti 5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1/2 piece(s) pumpkin pie, prepared from recipe 4
1 Eggplant Parmigiana 3
Subtotal 15
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Foo PointsPlus values remaining 0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned 0
Sunday, October 23, 2011
....just don't bend over...
My closet is a virtual mall just for pants. I have sizes currently in there ranging from 14 down to 8. At one point I even had a pair of 18s and 16s from before I lost the weight from James. Sometimes it feels like I will never be able to wear some of my dress pants that are 8s, so when I am able to fit into a smaller size than I had been wearing, it feels like a small victory. Today, I was able to fit into a straight leg 12 (a "sweetheart" style jean from Old Navy). These were jeans that only 2 weeks ago, I was unable to get up past my thighs and over my butt. I attribute it to the Boot Camp classes I have been attending. I may have just attended only my third class, but it is working already! It isn't just the class alone either. It is the motivation that comes along with it. Money is really tight right now. So shelling out $155 for a fitness class was a big commitment. For that kind of money I'm not going to miss a class or not try my hardest while I am there sweating away (except when it comes to push ups. I cannot do a push up if my life depended on it). Taking this class also proved to me that I don't have to wait until I'm back down to a size 8 to start running again. I surprised myself on the very first class when I was bursting with energy and was able to run around the gym...pushing a stroller with a 15 pound baby and a 40 pound 3 year old no less. The very next day, I got my butt of the couch and went out for a jog and it felt AMAZING. So good that I ended that run with a flight of stairs down and up the escarpment. I even got the motivation to give up my diet coke. I am aspartame free for 6 days now and while I almost caved a little today, have not given in to the temptation. I am so glad I joined and look forward to seeing what else I can achieve that I never thought I would or could!
This weekend was a bust for any activity. Brad was off so it was a weekend to spend some quality family time. Got caught up on a lot of household chores. Still am doing laundry. Had planned on going for a run today but ran out of time after cleaning the main floor of the house. I don't feel comfortable going after dark. Brad is on days Monday and Tuesday, so looks like I won't be going until Wednesday. Ugh.
Night all!
K
This weekend was a bust for any activity. Brad was off so it was a weekend to spend some quality family time. Got caught up on a lot of household chores. Still am doing laundry. Had planned on going for a run today but ran out of time after cleaning the main floor of the house. I don't feel comfortable going after dark. Brad is on days Monday and Tuesday, so looks like I won't be going until Wednesday. Ugh.
Night all!
K
Friday, October 21, 2011
It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution - Oscar Wilde
The topic of today's discussion boys and girls is "guilt". There isn't a day in my life that I don't regret something I said or did. Hell...I am still embarrassed for actions from when I was 5!
What makes a good Mommy? What makes a good person? What makes a good wife? Sometimes what makes a person "good" in one category, makes them a poopy person in another. Motherhood the first time around came with guilt. The second time around? Forget it! If I were catholic, I'd probably never leave the confessional. Thank the powers that be, the only power I bow down to is myself. Because a) I am always right b) I am never wrong and c) I am all knowing and all powerful and let us not forget d) modest.
I feel guilt when I clean my house, leaving James to play quietly by himself in the basement or playing on the computer. I feel guilt when I am making dinner or doing the dishes after dinner, leaving James in the living room watching tv (I hear the collective gasps from the super moms out there...allowing a 3 year old to watch tv! The shame!) I feel guilt when I don't clean my house and instead opt to play with James building a ramp and raceway for his cars. The house isn't as clean as it once was. I try to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. Vacuum every other day or so. Screw washing the dust or the food off the walls in the kitchen. Or removing the layer of dust...no...at this point, the layer of fuzz off the ceiling fans. Honestly, who looks up anyway? I feel guilt when making a dinner of fish sticks and french fries or chicken nuggets when Brad is on nights. I feel guilt when Piper sleeps too much. I feel guilt when she when we go out (to my exercise class or the library) and she misses a nap. I could go on and on and on...
And of course, right now the ultimate guilt of trying to find the time to better myself by taking an hour or so to exercise. I know as a Mommy your have to sacrifice certain things. Like your identity. I no longer have an actual name. I shall be referred to from here on out as Mommy...until I get back to work...then it is usually..."that bitch". I missed out on playing softball this season because the games were scheduled too late at night. Brad still got to play. I don't get to listen to my music anymore. I do know all the words to all of the Wiggles songs and the Little People cds. I'm up on all the PBS kids shows and Sesame Street gossip. I'm trying to convince myself that a happy Mommy = happy kids. If I feel better about myself, I'll feel better about my capacity for being a Mother. While I'm no where close to perfect (yes, I admitted it...don't tell anyone) I'm not the worst out there either. I'm a fairly average, run of the mill, normal kind of girl.
Today didn't do any exercise. Planned on doing the MoM challenge, but didn't get around to it. I had a large Pumpkin Spice Skinny latte, a slice of pumpkin cheese cake and a Halloween cookie. Lesson learned. After a week of healthier living and avoiding that sort of thing, I feel yucky...and guilty.
Also, day four of an aspartame existence. It is easier now that Weight Watchers has removed the calorie factor from their point calculations. I no longer an attempting to find the lowest calorie value foods, which often means it is label "diet" and includes aspartame. I don't even miss my diet coke today. Huh.
K
What makes a good Mommy? What makes a good person? What makes a good wife? Sometimes what makes a person "good" in one category, makes them a poopy person in another. Motherhood the first time around came with guilt. The second time around? Forget it! If I were catholic, I'd probably never leave the confessional. Thank the powers that be, the only power I bow down to is myself. Because a) I am always right b) I am never wrong and c) I am all knowing and all powerful and let us not forget d) modest.
I feel guilt when I clean my house, leaving James to play quietly by himself in the basement or playing on the computer. I feel guilt when I am making dinner or doing the dishes after dinner, leaving James in the living room watching tv (I hear the collective gasps from the super moms out there...allowing a 3 year old to watch tv! The shame!) I feel guilt when I don't clean my house and instead opt to play with James building a ramp and raceway for his cars. The house isn't as clean as it once was. I try to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. Vacuum every other day or so. Screw washing the dust or the food off the walls in the kitchen. Or removing the layer of dust...no...at this point, the layer of fuzz off the ceiling fans. Honestly, who looks up anyway? I feel guilt when making a dinner of fish sticks and french fries or chicken nuggets when Brad is on nights. I feel guilt when Piper sleeps too much. I feel guilt when she when we go out (to my exercise class or the library) and she misses a nap. I could go on and on and on...
And of course, right now the ultimate guilt of trying to find the time to better myself by taking an hour or so to exercise. I know as a Mommy your have to sacrifice certain things. Like your identity. I no longer have an actual name. I shall be referred to from here on out as Mommy...until I get back to work...then it is usually..."that bitch". I missed out on playing softball this season because the games were scheduled too late at night. Brad still got to play. I don't get to listen to my music anymore. I do know all the words to all of the Wiggles songs and the Little People cds. I'm up on all the PBS kids shows and Sesame Street gossip. I'm trying to convince myself that a happy Mommy = happy kids. If I feel better about myself, I'll feel better about my capacity for being a Mother. While I'm no where close to perfect (yes, I admitted it...don't tell anyone) I'm not the worst out there either. I'm a fairly average, run of the mill, normal kind of girl.
Today didn't do any exercise. Planned on doing the MoM challenge, but didn't get around to it. I had a large Pumpkin Spice Skinny latte, a slice of pumpkin cheese cake and a Halloween cookie. Lesson learned. After a week of healthier living and avoiding that sort of thing, I feel yucky...and guilty.
Also, day four of an aspartame existence. It is easier now that Weight Watchers has removed the calorie factor from their point calculations. I no longer an attempting to find the lowest calorie value foods, which often means it is label "diet" and includes aspartame. I don't even miss my diet coke today. Huh.
K
Thursday, October 20, 2011
They Keep on Calling Me...
Shhhh....do you hear that? There it is again. No. It isn't the kids. They are both sound asleep in their beds. Nope. Not Brad either. He's on nights tonight and I'm pretty sure the cats haven't learned to say my name yet.
Just as I suspected. The banana cranberry loaf I baked yesterday has teamed up with the case of Diet Coke and they are singing their siren song to me. Trying to lure me in with promises of sweet nothings. Yes. Keep telling my self that. They are nothing but sweet nothings. I think day three of going Diet Coke (or diet anything for that matter) has made me delirious. They say aspartame is addictive and I'd have to agree. We're starting off easy. Kicking the Diet Cola habit...which will hopefully lead into kicking the caffeine addiction all together. It'll be a sad departing, but one long over due. I really don't like the taste of coffee. Nor do I like the lingering coffee breath. I do love the smell of it. Reminds me of my Grandma...who always had a pot brewing in the morning. Hmmm...somethings are worth it. As for the banana bread I baked? I love to bake...so shoot me. I have not yet succumb to devouring either. Teeth are brushed and bottle of water is in front of me. This will have to do.
This week has been about getting more active. Tuesday went for a training jog session. I can't really call it a run or an actual jog for that matter. The first three days involves a 5 minute walking warm up followed by 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking intervals for 20 minutes, ending with another 5 minutes of walking to cool down. This first day I was so filled with energy and it was such a beautiful fall day that I ended walking for a half hour additional and did 1/2 the Wentworth Stairs!
Yesterday was boot camp day. Aside from the fact that I am extremely shy in those kind of settings and do not know anyone in the class, I have been enjoying the variation to the workout and routine. I am just so afraid of holding someone else back or hurting someone (especially when it comes to the sparring!). I have been feeling awkward when we have to get into partners since I don't know anyone else and everyone has a friend...feels a little like elementary school all over again...especially when I have to pair up with Trina (the Instructor). She's really sweet though...at least when I'm partnered up with her, I am able to get the moves correctly since she's right there to correct me.
Today, regardless of the body aches (shins and legs from Tuesday and oddly arms from Wednesday) and the crappy weather, I got out and did another "run" this afternoon. This time it feels less like exercise and more like time alone by my self without constantly being asked why mommy why? That's good right?
So I have proved to myself even with Brad on nights, I can still find the time to make a date with myself. What happens when I go back to work? Let's us not dwell on unpleasantness shall we? Let us focus on the now and enjoy every single moment I have to spend with James and Piper because this opportunity will never present itself again.
A thought has occurred to me dear reader. I used to get so angry at my Mother and my brother for reading my diary as a teenager. That thing held my most personal thoughts, hopes, wishes and even fantasies. And now here I am. Laying it all out for you and inviting you into my diary. After all what good is a diary if it isn't for anyone to see?
Till tomorrow...a day to let the body rest.
K
Just as I suspected. The banana cranberry loaf I baked yesterday has teamed up with the case of Diet Coke and they are singing their siren song to me. Trying to lure me in with promises of sweet nothings. Yes. Keep telling my self that. They are nothing but sweet nothings. I think day three of going Diet Coke (or diet anything for that matter) has made me delirious. They say aspartame is addictive and I'd have to agree. We're starting off easy. Kicking the Diet Cola habit...which will hopefully lead into kicking the caffeine addiction all together. It'll be a sad departing, but one long over due. I really don't like the taste of coffee. Nor do I like the lingering coffee breath. I do love the smell of it. Reminds me of my Grandma...who always had a pot brewing in the morning. Hmmm...somethings are worth it. As for the banana bread I baked? I love to bake...so shoot me. I have not yet succumb to devouring either. Teeth are brushed and bottle of water is in front of me. This will have to do.
This week has been about getting more active. Tuesday went for a training jog session. I can't really call it a run or an actual jog for that matter. The first three days involves a 5 minute walking warm up followed by 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking intervals for 20 minutes, ending with another 5 minutes of walking to cool down. This first day I was so filled with energy and it was such a beautiful fall day that I ended walking for a half hour additional and did 1/2 the Wentworth Stairs!
Yesterday was boot camp day. Aside from the fact that I am extremely shy in those kind of settings and do not know anyone in the class, I have been enjoying the variation to the workout and routine. I am just so afraid of holding someone else back or hurting someone (especially when it comes to the sparring!). I have been feeling awkward when we have to get into partners since I don't know anyone else and everyone has a friend...feels a little like elementary school all over again...especially when I have to pair up with Trina (the Instructor). She's really sweet though...at least when I'm partnered up with her, I am able to get the moves correctly since she's right there to correct me.
Today, regardless of the body aches (shins and legs from Tuesday and oddly arms from Wednesday) and the crappy weather, I got out and did another "run" this afternoon. This time it feels less like exercise and more like time alone by my self without constantly being asked why mommy why? That's good right?
So I have proved to myself even with Brad on nights, I can still find the time to make a date with myself. What happens when I go back to work? Let's us not dwell on unpleasantness shall we? Let us focus on the now and enjoy every single moment I have to spend with James and Piper because this opportunity will never present itself again.
A thought has occurred to me dear reader. I used to get so angry at my Mother and my brother for reading my diary as a teenager. That thing held my most personal thoughts, hopes, wishes and even fantasies. And now here I am. Laying it all out for you and inviting you into my diary. After all what good is a diary if it isn't for anyone to see?
Till tomorrow...a day to let the body rest.
K
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
3rd Time Charmed?
Where to begin? How about at the end? I vow to lose 20 pounds by December 21st, 2011. I started this personal challenge 2 weeks ago and have lost 2.8 pounds so far.
Why am I starting all over again? I gained some weight. Er...72 pounds more to be exact...but, who is counting right?
In all fairness, I did have another baby. Piper Rose was born on May 12, 2011 and is beautiful and sweet and full of joy and smiles and is the light in the rocky chaos that has become my life. As is my 3 year old son James. They are the reason I live and get up each an every morning...and the reason I drink half a pot of coffee.
You see, a week before I gave birth (to an overdue Piper) Brad (the hubby) got a new job. The job is wonderful. It is everything he ever wanted and everything this family needed. The problem with it? 12 hour rotating shifts. It has been quite the adjustment for our young family. I have learned to be more independent and organized and gain more confident in myself and child rearing capabilities. The job is for considerably more money than his previous place of employment, with more perks than I can possibly mention...and even though it almost killed this marriage, I think it will in the end, be what saves it.
I found myself very angry with the world, with my house, my life, my self and everyone in it for the first four months of Piper's existence. While she wasn't exactly planned, she wasn't an accident either. I wasn't certain I could possible have enough love in my heart for two children. James is my little boy. I loved him with all my heart and I didn't want anyone, or anything to come in between us. She didn't. If anything, she made my heart open up and grow bigger. It is a different kind of love. My life was complete. So...why so angry? I think, no, I know...it was and continues to be postpartum depression. I had battled bouts of depression previously in my teendomhood so I recognized the feelings of hopeless and helpless. When my thoughts turned to suicide, I really scarred myself and made sure to share my feelings with my family doctor. Thankfully, thoughts of having my little boy find me and try to "wake Mommy" up, kept me alive and I was able to share my thoughts of that day with my doctor, and here I find myself mediated and will soon be going for counselling.
Today, I am doing much better. Now that I have my feelings and hormones under control, it is time to focus on me. In the early months, I would go days without showering or brushing my teeth, things I hid from the world and those closest to me. I have just recently started my 5k training program again and have signed up for a Baby and Me Boot Camp. Trying to be a good girl with my Weight Watchers program (which after 10 years of being on program, I am actually finding it hard to stick with) and am making sure to get out with the kidlets once a week to the library.
While the issues that caused my hatred and anger are still present and unresolved, I am able to possibly forgive and forget and maybe will one day soon be able to discuss those issues with the person (not naming any names *coughbradcough* who caused the emotions. I am also realizing that I can take some time for myself once in a while and still be a good Mommy. Just finding the time to do it will be the challenge.
Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my blog and lay it all out for you, my reader. I will be completely and brutally honest with you and myself...starting with this...My weight is currently 194.8 again after coming within 15 pounds of my goal weight after James. I am taking it little bits at a time. I am attempting to lose 20 by December 21, 2011.
To date I have lost 41.2....only 15.2 of it since starting Weight Watchers. I'm going it alone online this time without the benefits of the meetings due to Brad's shift work. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.
Why am I starting all over again? I gained some weight. Er...72 pounds more to be exact...but, who is counting right?
In all fairness, I did have another baby. Piper Rose was born on May 12, 2011 and is beautiful and sweet and full of joy and smiles and is the light in the rocky chaos that has become my life. As is my 3 year old son James. They are the reason I live and get up each an every morning...and the reason I drink half a pot of coffee.
You see, a week before I gave birth (to an overdue Piper) Brad (the hubby) got a new job. The job is wonderful. It is everything he ever wanted and everything this family needed. The problem with it? 12 hour rotating shifts. It has been quite the adjustment for our young family. I have learned to be more independent and organized and gain more confident in myself and child rearing capabilities. The job is for considerably more money than his previous place of employment, with more perks than I can possibly mention...and even though it almost killed this marriage, I think it will in the end, be what saves it.
I found myself very angry with the world, with my house, my life, my self and everyone in it for the first four months of Piper's existence. While she wasn't exactly planned, she wasn't an accident either. I wasn't certain I could possible have enough love in my heart for two children. James is my little boy. I loved him with all my heart and I didn't want anyone, or anything to come in between us. She didn't. If anything, she made my heart open up and grow bigger. It is a different kind of love. My life was complete. So...why so angry? I think, no, I know...it was and continues to be postpartum depression. I had battled bouts of depression previously in my teendomhood so I recognized the feelings of hopeless and helpless. When my thoughts turned to suicide, I really scarred myself and made sure to share my feelings with my family doctor. Thankfully, thoughts of having my little boy find me and try to "wake Mommy" up, kept me alive and I was able to share my thoughts of that day with my doctor, and here I find myself mediated and will soon be going for counselling.
Today, I am doing much better. Now that I have my feelings and hormones under control, it is time to focus on me. In the early months, I would go days without showering or brushing my teeth, things I hid from the world and those closest to me. I have just recently started my 5k training program again and have signed up for a Baby and Me Boot Camp. Trying to be a good girl with my Weight Watchers program (which after 10 years of being on program, I am actually finding it hard to stick with) and am making sure to get out with the kidlets once a week to the library.
While the issues that caused my hatred and anger are still present and unresolved, I am able to possibly forgive and forget and maybe will one day soon be able to discuss those issues with the person (not naming any names *coughbradcough* who caused the emotions. I am also realizing that I can take some time for myself once in a while and still be a good Mommy. Just finding the time to do it will be the challenge.
Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my blog and lay it all out for you, my reader. I will be completely and brutally honest with you and myself...starting with this...My weight is currently 194.8 again after coming within 15 pounds of my goal weight after James. I am taking it little bits at a time. I am attempting to lose 20 by December 21, 2011.
To date I have lost 41.2....only 15.2 of it since starting Weight Watchers. I'm going it alone online this time without the benefits of the meetings due to Brad's shift work. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.
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