Obviously I am back to work at this point.  It has been a challenge to my ability to keep my life and my brain together.  I think if I were able to just sit back and think about it, I would break down.  Still on my medication and at times I wish I weren't.  You know how sometimes, you wish you could just sit in a room, alone, and just have a good cry?  That's what I need, but no matter how hard I try when I do have a spare moment, the tears just won't come.

I'm ashamed to admit it, I am happy to be back at work.  I hate the new format of the office and the environment that the new office is in.  It has a lot of potential.  A lot of potential.  It just isn't operating to it's full extent.  Every morning I go into work to a full voice mail box.  I am usually able to return those calls by noon, go for lunch, have the box fill up again and as I'm returning those calls, the box fills up again...and so on and so on.  This is while juggling in person visits, the paper work that comes from the issues the visits and calls bring and don't forget emails!  I'm trying to go to the gym on my lunch hour, but often find myself working through just to try and get a head.  I'm not used to being inefficient and giving horrible customer service.  I'm trying my best, but unfortunately it just isn't good enough.

Near the end of my maternity leave though, I was ready to go back to work.  I would never cut it as a full time, stay at home mother.  I love my kids.  I really do.  They are my pride and the love of my life.  I just don't know what to do with them all day!  It would break my heart when I was trying to do something around the house like fold laundry or do the dishes and James would be trailing behind me "Mommy, will you play with me?".  I don't ever remember my parents playing with us as kids.  Not that that was a bad thing.  I want James to be able to amuse himself.  But it still kills me to think he may be lonely.

I haven't been able to lose any weight.  I'm still playing with the same 5 pounds lost since January.  I'm eating because I'm lonely.  I've been back to work almost 2 months now and I'm really lonely.  Yes, I have my kids, yes, I'm back to playing softball...but I"m lonely.  With Brad working shifts, and off every other weekend, we don't see each other much.  Not that I necessarily would want to see him anyway.  I'm still really pissed off and annoyed with him.  I"m not supposed to be living pay cheque to pay cheque.  This new job feels like it has been all for naught.  He's working lots of overtime and bringing in decent money for a change, but it all goes to his debt.  I'm constantly stressing over bills and money, making sure we have enough money to pay our regular bills on top of the line of credit, and he keeps spending it.  I'm making sacrifices, doing without and it is no skin off his back.  

I'm eating to fill the voids.  Eating to keep myself "happy".  However, it isn't making me happy, it is making things worse.  Much, much worse.  It just seems like nothing is ever going to get any better on any front and I just don't have the patience to stick any of it out.

Something has to give.  At work.  In my relationship.  In my own way of thinking.

Holy Crap...I Did it! Thoughts on my first 5K Run

Some things stick with you for life.  No matter how hard you try to overcome them, old thoughts and habits are always circulating around in the back of your mind.  Or, at least they are for me.  Elementary school was...shit...21 years ago, yet old feelings and personal ideals are still as fresh as they were then.  I will forever remember gym class, dreading the summer time when classes were taken outside and activities that involved running, cardio and stamina prevailed.  Trailing along behind the class for the 1k run.  Watching all the "athletic" kids who were able to run the entire course, wondering what it was like, wishing I could be like them.  Throwing temper tantrums in grade 5 because I didn't want to go to school because it was track and field day.  I didn't want to live through another day of utter humiliation of being the slow fat kid, coming in last.  Guess someone always had to be the loser.

For these reasons running a 5k race was once of the biggest accomplishments in my life.  I have been practising and training for this moment since September.  I've had a few set backs along the way.  The latest being the week before the race.  My kids have been passing a cold back and forth for the past month along with ear infections, taking me along for the ride.  I've also been sick for the past month, which of course got worse the week before with congestion, plugged sinuses, you know, the works.  I haven't had much time to take care of myself, let alone train in the past few weeks, so I went in not feeling totally confident of my capabilities, which, let's be honest here, aren't all that great to begin with.

The night before Piper was running a fever.  I tried to get to bed as early as I could, but with a sick baby, even with a husband who is willing to take over, it is hard to get rest when you're worrying about her.  I didn't drink any water the day before either, which in hindsight, hurt my ability to go as far running as I would have liked.

The day of, I was oddly calm.  I treated it like I was just going out for a run as I would any other day, except this time it would be with 500 of my closest friends.  I wanted Brad and James there to see me start, but due to some complications with the race, the school not being open, they went home instead to meet me at the finish line.

As the race started and everyone took off running, I felt good.  My congestion seemed like it was going to bother me as I first took off and was worried when I got the urge to start walking even before we got around the block.  However that feeling quickly passed.  The first 2k felt good.  I was able to keep a good pace, got passed, and passed others.  Things felt good.  We made it to a loop around and I walked for a little bit...no more than two minutes, like I had been training to do and started back along the way we had just come, to make the trip down the mountain.  I walked most of that way, I wanted to be able to say I ran across the finish line.  When I made it to the downhill portion, I ran the entire way.  It felt incredible on the decline, like I could continue at that pace forever.  All that kept going through my head was "Holy mother fucking shit, I am actually doing this!"  When I made it to the bottom I walked a little bit more, saving myself for the "big finish".  I rounded the corner and was able to see the finish, Trina, the most incredible fitness person I have ever met, was there to cheer on all of her people who crossed.  If it wasn't for her yelling at me to sprint at the finish, I would have continued on trotting my merry way.  What makes her different from anyone else who runs any of the classes I have ever taken, she actually does care. I am sad that I may not be able to continue on with her classes once I get back to work.

My time for the 5.56k run was 40 minutes 7 seconds.  Sure, not a great time.  In my head I was thinking I would be 45 minutes or more, so I did better than I anticipated.  There was an error in the race layout, so instead of it being a 5k race, it was a 5.56k.  The race organizers adjusted times to estimate what each person would have run if the race were an actual 5k even.  I would have had a time of 36 minutes, 7 seconds.  I finished in 403 place and was 40th in my age category.  Sure it bothers me that only 60 people finished after me, and 402 finished before me.  I have to remind myself this was my very first time ever having done this.  I had a sinus cold and chest congestion.  I was barely at 60% of my normal health and had next to no energy.  All I could think was, next time I'll do even better.  Wait.  Next time?  I'm already thinking about doing this again?  Yeah, you know it.  I'm hooked!

More important than any of the numbers and standings, any of that, was that James was able to be there and see Mommy cross the finish line.  I tried to explain simply to James that you don't know if you can do something unless you try.  I wanted him to see me do something I never ever thought I could do, or even would do.  I crossed that line and just wanted to cry.  Happy tears of joy, of accomplishment and maybe even of a little pain.

I did it.  Cross that one off my bucket list.  I did it.  It may not seem like a big deal, but right now, I feel pretty fucking awesome.

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I'm still behind the 8 ball when it comes to weight loss as of late. I can tell the 3 weeks away from physical activity really took a toll on my progress.  The size 12 jeans I had been wearing with ease. suddenly aren't so easy to get into any more.  This isn't muffin top, this is bunt cake top people!

I made it out for a run yesterday morning.  I went back only a day in my training and it wasn't so bad.  I also managed to find a website that allowed me to estimate the distance of my current route I take when I go out.  Unbelievably, I have managed to pick a route that is 5.01 km.  My walk to work is only 3 km.  I'm suddenly feeling a whole heck of a lot more confident about my upcoming 5k race.  I think I'll still have to walk more than run, but it is a starting point, since I have only finished about 75% of my Couch25k running program.  Plus, I am still battling this ongoing illness.  Every time I start to feel better, it just keeps coming back.  I refuse to see the doctor though.  Every time I end up giving in an going, it is nothing he can help with.  I'd rather try and a naturopathic way anyway.  I've come this far, why ruin a good thing.That, and my doctor is a tool.

In last week's meeting it was mentioned that journalling is one of the keys to successful weight loss.  Not just food tracking, that is pretty much a given.  Actually writing down your thoughts or just a word or two when you  have a good day or bad day.  I think that is good advice.  I personally seem to be able to stay on track better when I take the time to sit down and blog.  It gets my feelings in order.  Sometimes when I sit and consider why I just pigged out on something I shouldn't have, if I take the time to figure out why, it helps to prevent the issue from happening again.  The problem of course is, finding the time.  Today James is at preschool and since Piper is refusing to nap, she is happily playing with her toys and crawling all around the room (!) I have a moment...thank goodness for typing skills and a cordless keyboard to keep an eye on the Day Walker over there!!  Ironic that at night after the kids go to sleep I don't feel like blogging.  Often it is the only time of the day I've had to myself and just want to sit and turn off my brain and either watch tv while playing Bejeweled or crochet.  Even though it would be the perfect time to be alone with my thoughts...I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, if that makes any sense.

Today has gone pretty good.  I've been in control of my eating and portion sizes.  Breakfast was high fibre instant oatmeal and a banana.  Lunch was an egg white omelette with green peppers, onion, cheddar cheese, a slice of Ezekiel bread and sparkling cranberry juice.  Dinner  is going to be a spaghetti and meatball casserole that I haven't worked out the points for yet.  The recipe is in my clean living cookbook and I have 15 points left, so I should be okay...even with a glass of milk to drink!

Yikes!  Mommy duty calls!!!

PS...I find it ironic that the word "blog" is not recognized by spell check...on a blogging site.

Results Blog and Other Ramblings

Just as I suspected, I gained this week.  One whole pound.  This was not unexpected nor was it as bad as I anticipated.  I can make excuses for myself, but I'm not going to.  I know what is wrong.  The problem is, I just don't know how to fix it...and I don't know if I even can until I settle into my final life juggling a marriage, kids and a full time career.

Today is the first day I feel like I've got even an iota of my normal energy level back.  In previous posts I mentioned that I had a cold.  This cold as lasted 3 weeks and knocked me right out on my ass.  I missed 2 and a half weeks of my boot camp and running.  This past Wednesday was the first day I was able to even attempt any time of physical activity and I certainly wasn't up to my normal level of fitness.  Yes, I know it is possible to lose weight without the benefit of exercise.  My first time around with Weight Watchers, I lost 40 pounds without one day of actual activity, of course it took me quite a long time to get there, but I did it.  However, I wasn't eating right nor was I making proper food decisions for the past 3 weeks.  When Brad was on nights, I opted for quick and easy...not so wholesome and not so balanced meals.  Hell, one night James and I had Sloppy Joes with potato chips as a side.  True unadulterated comfort food.  Nothing good about it.  I enjoyed it at the time, but later that night, my body revolted against me.  Sorry for the graphic and unpleasant image, but I had things coming out of both ends of my body later in the night.  Even when I did try and attempt to build up the energy to cook an actual meal, I didn't stop at just one properly measured portion size.  Three helpings later...hey, don't judge, I made a wickedly awesome moist turkey breast, mashed potatoes and fresh green beans.  So what if I didn't have second and third helpings of the green beans, just the turkey and mashed potatoes (with a healthy serving of gravy).  It was what I needed a that moment in time.  Oh, I even made a pumpkin pie in there at one point.  Urgh.

Combine the illness and no activity with my complete and total denial of having to leave my kids for my job very soon, I've been an emotional mess.  I haven't been remembering to take my meds most days, and when I can't remember if I did or not, I just skip 'em just in case.  I am knowingly replacing my feelings and the eventuality of knowing that I do have to go back to work as of May 7th, with food to fill the emptiness I am already feeling in my soul (even if Gingers don't have souls ;) )  I will never have this time with my kids in my life again.  I know it isn't like I'm going away forever.  I know I will still see them everyday.  I just won't be spending all day, every day with them every again for this length of time.  That saddens me.  I feel like I"m shutting myself off and trying to draw away from them in order to soften the blow to me that will be taking place in two months.  Could be the reason I allowed Brad to talk me into enrolling James in pre-school two days a week. I've been keeping pretty busy too.  Monday, James goes to pre-school, Tuesday we have together all day, Wednesday is boot camp so James stays with my parents if Brad isn't off and Piper comes with me, Thursday is Weight Watchers so Piper and James stay with my parents and Friday we have all day together.  Of course the weekends are all us, sometimes with Brad, sometimes not.

My house has also been falling apart.  Haven't been cleaning like I should. But that is nether here nor there.

I'm really disappointed in myself that for the whole 6 weeks of official weight watchers, going to meetings rather than just doing it at home, I've lost only a pound.  Some of the women in my meeting have already hit 11!  Why in the hell can't I do this?  I really wanted to be at least in the 170's before returning to work, but that isn't going to happen.  I don't know why I feel that way, I just think everyone will look at me and think "tsk, she really let herself go after this baby" and "wow, look at how much weight she gained" blah blah blah.  Face it, we all think it when someone comes back.  It is either, "wow, they look fantastic" or "phew...man".  Maybe I put too much pressure on myself with a timeline.  This time at least I have no intention of getting pregnant again, and can't now...that I honestly really have all the time in the world to get back to where I was...and better.  Now if only my right brain could tell my left brain all will be good!

Results and Other Ramblings - Week 4

Stayed exactly the same to the ounce last week.  I have very low hopes for this week.

I'm still flat on my ass out with this cold.  It has been a very very long time since I have felt this absolutely horrible.  I haven't been keeping track of my points because I haven't had much of an appetite.  Normally that wouldn't be such a bad thing except for the fact that when I am hungry, I will just grab whatever is ready made an easily available.  I haven't been eating lunch since it is currently such a chore getting the kids fed.  Once that is done, I can't be bothered to make myself a spinach salad, omlette or other clean and healthy concoction.

I cannot wait for my energy and lung capacity to get back to where it should be.  I have gone almost 2 weeks now without the will or ability for any exercise.  I am finally beginning to get my energy back, I'm just waiting for my broncial infection to cure itself and go away.

In my at home monitoring of my weight, it appears I have gained 2 pounds so far.  I have every intention of getting it under control to no avail.

Taking care of two babies while sick sucks...Piper just woke up unhappy.  Excuse me while I go calm her down.

Official Week 3 Results Blog and Other Ramblings

Been a little remiss in blogging these past few weeks.  You'll have to forgive me.  Germs have once again over-ridden my homestead and waged battle against my own immune system and won.  The little bastards (which is what I will refer to the germs as hence forth) have invaded my body and kicked the crap out of my awesome super-hero strength immunities and sent my illness preventing white blood cells packing.  Okay, okay, I may be being a little over dramatic, but at this point, the germs of a three year old are kicking my ass.

I haven't been this sick in quite sometime.  Before I was overtaken by the little bastards, I was on quite the roll. I managed 5 straight days of exercise, be it my running or boot camp.  I could have made it 7 straight, but am taking the advice of all and any website I have read and giving my body some days in between to rest.  My points and clean eating were almost perfect to a "T".  I lost 1.8 pounds!  I was quite proud of myself too.  I set my week goal for a pound and a half, and I managed to surpass it by 0.3.  I was on fire.  I was on a roll.  Then as previously mentioned, I got sick.

I haven't been this beaten down by illness in a very long time.  I haven't got much energy.  I've missed 6 days of scheduled exercise, and will probably end up missing an entire week.  Just as I was about to hit the 20 minutes of straight running mark in my training, I came down with chest congestion from hell.  I obviously didn't want to attempt running with compromised lung capacity.  I missed Wednesdays and Sunday's boot camps and several training runs along the way.  I have been taking solace in comfort food in the form of pizza and wings, Big Macs and fries, lattes and dill pickle chips.  Even though I had planned on setting another mini goal of another pound a half this week, I fully expect to see a gain at the scale this week.

This has been quite the set back.  I am not normally this much of a baby when it comes to catching the little bastards.  The kids have both been sick as well.  I have found it extremely challenging to take care of two sick little children while feeling like utter shit myself.  I've had to push away my own health and taking care of myself in order to make sure they are comfortable and feeling as best as they can given the circumstances.  Of course, I realize that is all part of being a Mother and my duty to take care of the needs of them before my own.  Fortunately the worst of my cold came when Brad had an entire weekend off and was able to take care of the kids....and me...while being home.  I got frustrated though.  I would be up at 3:00 am when the NyQuil wore off, hacking up a lung.  I'd go downstairs and continue to sleep on the couch so I wouldn't wake up the rest of the household with my coughing.  Last night I was up at 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep until 6:00am.  I just wanted someone to take care of me like I'd taken care of the kids.  I wanted to be babied, and be told to go back to bed, or go have a bubble bath, or reminded to take some sinus meds.  I guess that part of my life is over.  A sad day.  Being an adult sucks.

I haven't taken my "happy pills" in 4 days.  I know it isn't good to just stop them cold turkey.  I did that back in high school and remember almost blacking out after climbing up to the top floor.  So it is a good thing I haven't felt much like exercise.  I don't plan on going off of them just yet.  I figure I will more than likely need their added support to get me through the transition of going back to work...which is coming up REAL soon.  I just figured right now cold medication in the form of cough syrup, NyQuil and sinus medication was much  more important to try and get better and fight off the little bastards invading my body than any else....and I didn't need any complications or to be flying high from the reaction of the "happy pills" along side the NyQuil.  Although...that would make for one HELL of a party.  RAISE THE ROOF!  WHAT!  WHAT!

No Weight Watchers points posting for you today...since I...er...haven't done it at all this week.  Shit.  GET OUT OF MY BODY YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, I WAS ON A ROLL!!!!!

Sick sick sick

Brad finally has a day off today.  Couldn't have come at a better time too.  After 7 straight days, I am ready to be able to sleep in and give some child care responsibility over to him.  James came down with a cold on Thursday, so he was unable to have his planned sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Piper is beginning to sound congested and I have a sore, thick throat.  Some one let the germs back into the house and I am most displeased.  As much as I would like to blame James going to day care, I can't.  It came on too quickly for it to have originated from a kid there.  I have my suspicions.  You know who you are.  Yes.  YOU. STAY AWAY.  Every single time my kid plays with your kid, mine gets sick.  NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Running has been going really well.  I'm actually considering signing up for a 5k run, 2 months ahead of my goal of doing the Around the Bay 5k race.  I'm not sure I can actually run the whole thing.  My time won't be pretty.  I'm fairly certain I will be the last person who will cross the finish line, but I am determined that I can and will do this.  Brad is off that day so I won't have to depend on my parents, once again, watching the kids for me while I do something for myself.

I am once again torn between being a Mommy and being Kim.  At times it seems impossible to consolidate both people into one person.  After I had James, the next summer I was able to go back to playing softball.  James was 7 months old at the beginning of the season and Brad and I were able to drop him off at my parents while we played.  That summer I was able to feel like I was Kim again for 3 hours of the week.  I was able to see my friends and let my dirty, dirty potty mouth out of its cage, tell adult jokes and not have to watch what I say constantly.  This summer, Piper was new born and the games were scheduled for much later in the evening.  Piper wouldn't have been a problem leaving at my parent's house, however James was almost 3 and we didn't want to pick him up from my parents at 11:00pm to bring home, totally disrupting his sleep.  I missed that opportunity this summer to feel like Kim again, and in the middle of really bad postpartum depression, it played a huge part in the downward spiral I experienced for the first 5 months of Piper's life.

I may be over compensating for that now.  I am torn between spending as much time with my children as I can before I have to go back to work, only 3 short months from now, and taking time for myself.  I feel extremely guilty for wanting and needing to do this.  I have three days a week now that I am off doing something that focuses on me.

Wednesdays are my Stroller Bootcamp.  That is Mommy and Piper time.  So at least Piper is with me.  It isn't like the Mother Goose song time I used to do with James.  Mother Goose was all at him, where as Stroller class is all about me, with 5 minutes of parachute and songs for Piper.  She does love watching Mommy bounce around in class and giggles at me when we're skipping.  But it just isn't the same.  On the hand, I have to rely, once again, on my parents to watch James for me if Brad doesn't have the Wednesday off.  I could technically take James with me to the class.  I tried to do that twice, but he is a handful.  I wasn't getting a good workout worrying about what he is doing and getting into.  Plus I think he was bored, always asking me what he could do.  Maybe I'll try brining him with me again just to see how it goes.

Thursdays are my Weight Watchers meetings.  James is in daycare that day so he isn't an issue.  Piper however....last week after I dropped James off at the centre, I went over to my parents and stayed there until it was time to leave for my meeting, leaving her there for my parents to watch.  Came back from the meeting and waited until it was time to pick James up from daycare.

And now Sundays.  I wanted to up my activity level and include another day of a high intensity workout.  I love Trina and Fit4Females so much I wanted to add another day of her awesome workouts.  So I am going to go on Sunday late morning now too...with some friends!  But again, that is another day away and another day I will have to rely on my parents to watch the kids for me if Brad doesn't have the day off.

I think more than anything what is bothering me is taking advantage of my parents by having them watch James and Piper so that I can go off and do my thing.  At the same time, taking care of myself and making time for myself will ultimately make me a better person and a better Mommy.  I have more energy and feel better about myself and am a happier person after a good workout or a good run.  I have been able to laugh and enjoy myself more as of late.  I love to dance with James and Piper in the kitchen on the days Brad works nights.  We crank the tunes, James plays air guitar and makes rock n' roll faces while Piper bops and giggles in my arms as we wash dishes and clean up after dinner.  These are the memories I will cherish always.  I just hope and pray that if my Mom and Dad do feel used or taken advantage of or are tired, they will tell me so.  Say "no".  Because, like me, they just can't say no when it comes to their kids or their grandkids.  Every time I leave either James or Piper at their house, it just feels like I am dumping them off so I can go be selfish.  Guilt.  How do you say thank you and I love you for all that you do for us?  Words are just words and can be twisted and taken advantage of.  I'm a master at getting what I want and manipulating people so that I can get what I want.  The sign of a truly selfish person.  I don't think that is what I'm doing to my parents.  If they were to tell me no, I'd find another way, someone else, or I just wouldn't do these things.   I don't think that is the case.  But what if it is?  At times like this I really do feel like such a horrible person.

It will all be ending soon anyway.  Don't know if I can continue my runs after I go back to work.  I obviously won't be able to continue my Stroller bootcamp and Sunday's I'll only be able to attend every other week, so what would the point of that be?  I won't be asking my parents to watch the kids that day because they'll have Piper through the week and James too.

When did life get so complicated?  Oh.  Right.  9 months ago.

Hey, good news at least.  I've been rocking the Weight Watchers thing this week.  Staying within my daily point range and only eating extra if I've earned activity points.  Haven't once had to go into my weekly point allowance.

The Results Blog and Other Ramblings

Thursday marked the official Weight Watchers weigh in day.  I gained 0.2 this week.  So this means the two week total, I have lost 0.4.  This is where I get so frustrated.  The weight doesn't come off as fast as I would like and I feel sorry for myself and I give up and eat bad things and make bad decisions.  Obviously this time around I cannot play the games like I did in the past.  This time, I cannot allow for liberal points allowances.  One little thing does count if it is in my mouth and portion sizes are going to play a huge part in my losses this time.

I am setting a short term goal for myself this week.  I'm always too busy trying to see the big picture.  Today I am setting a very short term goal for myself.  Next week, I want to see a loss of 1.5 or more.  Stay tuned to see if I can keep the promise to myself.

This week I haven't had much time to myself.  I've been busy doing the "Mommy thing".  James started pre-school and Piper has had three teeth break through virtually all on the same day, so needless to say she hasn't exactly been a happy camper.  Brad will have worked 7 days straight as of Sunday.  Five of those days will have been the day shift, so I haven't seen too much of him this week nor has he been around to help me out with preparing dinners and getting kids ready for their bedtimes.  It isn't like I can't do it myself, but after a straight week of it, I'm ready to pull my hair out!  Thank god for my parents being around to help.  I know I've said this before but I really am grateful for all they do for us.  They watched James and Piper on Wednesday for me so I could have an hour to go to my boot camp and again they watched Piper for me on Thursday so I could go to my Weight Watchers meeting.  Stupid leader changing the meeting day on me, screwing everything up!!!

James has also been quite the handful as of late.  Seems like every time I turn my back he's into something new.  One day he had three time outs in the time span of an hour and a half.  I think he's just testing me.  I know I have to start laying down the law, I just don't know how.  Is that odd?  I'm horrible at discipline.  It isn't that I don't want him to whine and cry, I just don't know where the lines are drawn as far as acceptable behaviour.  I know really bad behaviour when I see it...James just really isn't that bad...in my eyes.  So what do I let him get away with vs. what I shouldn't?  Hmmmmmm....

Piper also has been...a handful this week.  She's decided she's mobile!  Piper can now get around pretty much on her own.  Still not quite crawling yet, but she can move around like a ninja.  She'll be in one place one minute, you take your eyes off her for a second and she's in a different place entirely.  Last Tuesday I put her down in the middle of her bedroom floor and went into the next room to brush me teeth.  She started fussing and crying rather angrily.  I went to see what the problem was.  She had gotten herself stuck. wedged actually, under her crib.  It was a hard decision.  Do I help her right away, or, run for the camera?  Sadly, my better half got the best of me and I do not have a picture of that to show you.

Today was the first day in a week I was able to make it out for a run.  It felt wonderful!  I am now up to 18 minutes of running.  Today I started with 8 minutes of running, 2 minutes of walking and finishing with 10 minutes of running.  Close to the end of the 10 minutes I wanted to stop.  I didn't.  Apparently Trina joins me on my runs and yells motivation in my ears.  I managed it and was so proud of myself!  I'm getting there!  Never thought I could make it this far.  Still sceptical that I will actually be able to run a full 5k at one time.  I think I'll throw an accomplishment party for myself when I do.

I've got two new recipes for you today too.  Curried Butternut Squash and Apple Soup and a Taco Casserole.  DELICIOUSNESS!  James loved it until he discovered it had green peppers in it.  Whoops.

Curried Butternut Squash and Apple Soup
 It is to die for!  Only 7 ingredients and 5  easy steps to make!
 From The Best of Clean Eating

1 medium butternut squash
1 tbsp olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
4 c water
1 apple, peeled, cored and chopped

Preheat oven to 425 F.  Line baking sheet with foil

Cut squash in half lengthwise.  Scrape seeds and strings out from the centre.  Place squash, cut side down on baking sheet.  Roast for 35-45 minutes or until the squash is softened.  Remove from oven and let cool slightly.

When squash can be handled, scrape flesh into a bowl and discard the peel.

In a stockpot, heat oil over medium heat.  Add onions and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes.  Stir in curry powder and cinnamon; cook until fragrant.  Add water, squash and apple; cook for 10 minutes.  Remove from heat and let cool for 10-15 minutes.

Using a blender, puree soup until it's smooth.

2c serving

Calories 116
Total Fat 4g
Sat. Fat 0.3g
Carbs 22g
Fiber 4g
Protein 2g
Sugar 7g
Sodium 6mg
Cholesterol 0 mg

(*in typing out this recipe, I've discovered a serving is 2 cups NOT the one I've been eating...so YAY!  The points are even lower than I thought!)


Taco Casserole

1 lb ground skinless chicken breast (I used extra lean ground beef, ground turkey would work too)
1/2 c onions, chopped
1/2 c bell peppers, chopped
1 clove garlic
1 pkg taco seasoning mix
8 ozs taco sauce (I didn't know what this was, so it didn't go into the casserole I made)
1 c fat-free sour cream
1 c fat-free cottage cheese
1 c low-fat tortilla chips, whole or broken up (I used Multigrain Tostidos)
1 c low-fat cheddar cheese, shredded
3/4 c salsa

Directions:

Heat oven to 400. Spray cooking spray on bottom of a 2-quart casserole dish; set aside. In a skillet,
cook chicken, onion, peppers, and garlic clove until tender. Add seasoning mix and taco sauce;
set aside. In a medium bowl, combine sour cream and cottage cheese; set aside. Place half the
broken chips in the bottom of casserole dish. Add meat mixture to cover the chips, then cover the
meat with sour cream mixture. Sprinkle with cheese and remaining crushed chips. Bake,
uncovered, for 30 minutes or until cheese has melted. Top with 3/4 cup salsa if desired.

Makes 8 (1 Cup Servings)

Nutritional Info Per Serving:
287 Calories; 4g Fat; 25g Protein; 34g Carbs; 43mg Cholesterol; 2g Fiber; Points Plus+ 7

The 20% Day

I am learning a lot from Trina and Fit4Females Stroller Boot Camp.  The one nutrition seminar I was able to attend that Trina held she spoke about the 80/20 rule.  As long as you are good and stick with your proper eating habits 80% of the time, the other 20% of the time you aren't going to be such a saint and potentially still have weight loss results.  Today was that "other" 20% day.  Even then, my day was fantastic...up until after dinner and temptation was placed in front of me.

I had my usual breakfast of cereal and banana.  I can't help it.  I know it isn't the "cleanest" food, but I loves me my cereal.  I drive Brad nuts.  At any given time I will have 5 or more open boxes of cereal.  I like to rotate through them.  None of them are the sugary crap either.  I love a good Raisin Bran or Life or any variety of Cheerios or Shreddies.  MMmmmmm....Shreddies.  When I was pregnant with James and had the wicked bad  morning/noon/night sickness all I could keep down was Shreddies.  Unfortunately I no longer purchase Shreddies.  You just can't have a bowl of them without 2 inches of brown sugar coating the top.  Great.  Now I want Shreddies.  Since I've been learning a little more about nutrition I'm trying to get at least three food groups into each meal.  So I usually try to have a glass of milk and either a banana or blueberries in with my cereal.

Lunch today was Cream of Mushroom soup, 7 soda crackers and milk.  Dinner was chicken almondine and blanched green beans with lemon juice.

Then we went to my Mom and Dad's house.  I knew going in I had 4 points left in my day.  Good for me since it is Friday night tradition stemming back from when we used to visit my Grandmother on Friday nights that we have a "Friday Night Goodie".  Today's was doughnuts from Tim Horton's.  I really do not like doughnuts.  Knowing this, can someone please explain to me why the fuck did I have 3?  Yes.  Three.  Okay, okay, let me explain.  It really was like a strategic move in chess.  The first one I had I chose carefully and with much consideration.  I had 4 points.  I knew I still had earned exercise points to use and all of my 49 weekly "woo-hoo" points.  My selection was an old fashion chocolate dip.  Tasty and complimented my vanilla spiked black coffee.  James' selection was a filled sprinkle doughnut.  He ate about 2/3's of it and discovered, much to his dismay, it was filled with Strawberry Jam.  Before I knew it and without any rational thinking at all, it was in my mouth.  I am usually pretty good at not finishing food that James hasn't finished.  I don't like other people's spit...even if they are from my own gene pool.  From that point on it was like a wild beast took over my body and was playing mind control games in my head.  I then ate another doughnut that I picked out all on my own (a double chocolate old fashion) and scoffed that down.  Hey, I still had that coffee left.  I accidently asked for a large, forgetting Tim's changed their cup sizes and ended up with the old extra large cup. James' next selection was a Boston Cream, fortunately he ate the whole thing...but then the little bugger also took a plain chocolate dip...and it sat on his plate for a good 30 minutes.  So of course, after I changed Piper's bum, down on the floor, sitting next to that remaining 1/2 of the doughnut, again that wild beast took over and forced that damn thing down my throat. It wasn't me officer!  Honest!!!  It just jumped into my mouth.  I was holding it for someone else.  It isn't mine!

On the ride home I had time to ponder my actions and try and figure out where my head goes in these situations.  Brad and I had a discussion the previous night about drinking and alcoholics.  I forget how the conversation came up but he believes anyone who binge drinks is an alcoholic.  I know when I drink, I only do so to get drunk, which, now that I have kids, let me tell you, really isn't often.  At all...and remembering some of my hangovers, that isn't such a bad thing.  Relating that to food, I do the same thing.  If I'm going to be bad, I do it to be really bad.  If I go over my points or have a bad day food wise, I then will eat anything and everything that I shouldn't that I can find.  A perfect example of this was what I did at Christmas.  I ate all kinds of baked goods, cookies, chocolates, cakes, breads, candy and chips.  Anything I could find.  To the point I gained 7 pounds in a short 2-3 weeks.  I felt like a convict that had been in lock up for 25 years without knowing the pleasure of sex for that long....I needed it and as much of it as I could get because I didn't know when my next meal would be.  I binged on food like there was no tomorrow.  Which is what happened to me tonight with the doughnuts.  I binged.

Great.  I know this about myself now.  So now what?  First step?  Admit to it and take ownership of my mistake.  I was going to pretend this didn't happen.  I was not going to share this shame with you.  I wasn't even going to journal this horrible sin.  But I did, I am.  I want to be completely honest with you and in doing so...with myself.  "Hi, my name is Kim and I am a binge eater".

Here's the ugly, ugly truth.




PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Friday, January 27, 2012

Morning
Life Cereal - Quick-added food	3
1  large banana(s)	0
2  cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	3
Midday
1  cup(s) canned cream of mushroom soup, made with whole milk	6
1  serving(s) 7 Saltines Salted	2
1  oz Cheddar or colby cheese	3
8  medium uncooked baby carrots	0
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
Source Yogurt - Quick-added food	1
Subtotal	15
Evening
1  cup(s) cooked green beans	0
1  Chicken Almondine	8
Subtotal	8
Anytime
1/3 doughnut(s) Filled Donuts - Filled Donuts Strawberry (filled donut)	2
1/2 doughnut(s) Cake Donuts - Cake Donuts Chocolate Glazed (cake donut)	3
2  doughnut(s) Cake Donuts - Cake Donuts Old Fashion Plain (cake donut)	15
Subtotal	20
Food PointsPlus values total used	46
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0
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The Results Blog and Other Ramblings

Let's not beat around the bush.  Today was official Weight Watchers weigh in and I lost 0.6 and I hate their scale.  It weighs more than the one at home....plus I don't weigh in naked at the meeting...you're welcome for that image.  I don't want to tell you my weight.  I really don't.  I don't want anyone to know.  But I'm going to tell you.


*COUGH194.4COUGH*


I know I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed by this.  It is just a number after all.  A number I am not happy with none-the-less.  I grew up as the chunky, unpopular, ugly red-headed kid with the 'fro, lost the weight, was happy with the way I looked, even if I didn't want to admit it.  Now, I feel like I've come back full circle to that fat lonely kid again.

0.6 for first "official" Weight Watchers weigh in or not, I'm happy I rejoined.  Going to the meetings help to give that added sense of accountability...and someone to help share my successes and failures with.  I have always done better going to meetings than going it alone on line.  I think for the next 20 weeks I will finally break over my weight slump and finally have the losses I was hoping for and expecting all along.  I have an excellent handle on the program and have been getting in as much activity as I can, and am trying to find ways to include even more in my daily routines.  It is hard when Brad is working shifts and taking care of the kids by myself but if this is something I want bad enough, I will find a way.

Today I feel ... yucky ...for lack of a better descriptor.  I am feeling bloated and thought I had gone drastically over my points both yesterday and today so wasn't going to bother doing them, then realized those are exactly the behaviours that set me up for failure, so I went back and recorded it all.  And you know what?  Wasn't at all bad.  In fact, with my earned activity points from my high intensity boot camp yesterday, I still come out ahead.  I even still have one point leftover today.  Looking at my food journal today, I didn't do so well getting in any vegetables or fruits and had a lot of carbs, which would probably account for why I am feeling so bloated. I also didn't drink enough water today.  Only one crappy bottle of Dasani with lunch.  I have a problem getting started drinking water.  If I go for a run, I will drink it for the rest of the day.  When I don't, it is hard to get that first bottle down.  Without that first bottle I just can't be bothered. Will have a better plan for tomorrow.

At the meeting today I saw someone from my past.  A past I had all but forgotten about, but played a major role in leading me to my current path in life, finding myself and beginning my Weight Watchers journey.  I graduated college for something entirely different than what I am doing in my current career.  In fact, I don't think what I graduated from could be further from my current job...other than they both deal with the handling and spending of money I never actually see.  After graduation I got a job in my "chosen profession" and moved away from home at 23 to be closer to the city where the jobs where.  Though I moved in with my, then, boyfriend and another male room-mate and had a dream job, I was so desperately unhappy.  I didn't want to be so far away from my family and friends, I lost all three of my living grandmothers, and my dream job was a dream, just not my dream.  I was so unhappy that thought I couldn't change my career or the path my life was taking so instead, I sought out to change who I was.  My weight, at that time, had reached its all time high and when I joined Weight Watchers the first time, I was 182.2.  The weight was slow to come off back then too, but at that time I knew I could do it and had to do it for my own peace of mind and happiness.

Turns out losing the weight (40.2 of it to be exact!) did more for me than just made me look at feel better about myself.  It helped me to become more confident in who I was and in my decisions.  I made up my mind to go back to school, move back to Hamilton, and do what I wanted to do with my life.  Turns out, the contacts I made at the college I attended were solid and I made quite the impression on those I worked with.  I was only in my new program for 8 weeks.  I didn't even make it to mid-terms, before I found a "temporary" part-time job at the college.  I haven't looked back since and the rest...as they say...is history.

So maybe, just maybe, this is why I am struggling so hard to lose the remaining 44 pounds this time around. This is the third time I've joined the program and have had a significant amount of weight to lose.  This time around I am happy.  All my complaining and bitching aside, I am happy.  I have a loving husband, who I love (most of the time....give or take a few douchey moments of his), two beautiful children who I adore, a job I love (well...we'll see if that changes when I go back), a home that is our own and I get to make the decisions as to when I rip up a floor or two.  I'm running and attending the most incredible exercise class.  I have loving, concerned and supporting parents.  I am living the life.  Maybe my therapist was right.  Maybe I'm okay just the way I am.....

.........though I could always be better.

Sweet dreams.




PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Morning
1  large banana(s)	0
1  serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
2  cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
Weight Watchers Toasted Coconut Bar - Quick-added food	2
1  serving(s) 6" Turkey Sub Subway	7
Subtotal	9
Evening
1  cup(s) cooked quinoa	5
2/3 package(s) Instant, Mix-Ins Chocolate fudge instant pudding	2
1  serving(s) Mealtyme White Bread	4
3  Tbsp 95% fat free whipped topping	1
1  Kim's Homemade Chili	5
Subtotal	17
Anytime
7  nut(s) almonds	1
Subtotal	1
Food PointsPlus values total used	29
Food PointsPlus values remaining	1
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0
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And yesterday

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Morning
1  serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios	3
1  large banana(s)	0
Subtotal	3
Midday
1  serving(s) Quaker Maple instant Oatmeal	4
Hazelnut Flavour Shot Tim Hortons - Quick-added food	0
1  cup(s) black coffee	0
1  large fresh apple(s)	0
1  Kim's Homemade Chili	5
Subtotal	9
Evening
1/3 package(s) Instant, Mix-Ins Chocolate fudge instant pudding	1
4  slice(s) mixed-grain bread	7
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
2  Kim's Homemade Chili	9
Subtotal	20
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
Food PointsPlus values total used	32
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Exercise
Bootcamp - Activity I created	6
Activity PointsPlus values earned	6
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Amazball

Today was a day at rest.  Not from doing things around the house, just from actual activity.  Did not get out for my run.  The days I do not get out I feel like no matter what I eat, I won't lose weight and it is a day beyond redemption.  I know that isn't the case.  I write every little thing down that I eat, and now drink.  Looking at my points today I went over only by 1...and since I have both banked activity points AND my weekly allotted points remaining I know that, realistically, it is okay to be over by one.  So then why do I feel like I failed today?

I am a little bloated feeling.  I could probably attribute this to having a diet pepsi today.  It had been a while and it was delightful.  Not a habit I want to get back into though.

Lunch was amazballs.  I made chocolate banana whole wheat pancakes topped with apple slices.  To die for.  I usually don't like pancakes, but these were pretty damn good if I do say so myself!  Dinner was Turkey Chilli. I even managed to get James to eat half of his...including the zuchinni.  I make a mean chilli.

I've been enjoying trying new recipes each day.  Nice breaking out of the rut of the same old things that I know how to make.  I've never really been a very good cook.  I tend to prefer baking.  I like to know exactly what to do with meat and what to make along with it.  Since most of the things we've been trying have been turning out, my confidence in the kitchen is getting a little better to the point where I'm creating my own dishes.  The thought of returning to work with Brad working shifts has been terrifying me.  Some days I will have to hand the kids all by myself, from dropping them off at my parents (or school eeek!) in the morning then picking them up at night, getting home and making dinner.  It has been very reassuring knowing that some of the new things I've found in the Best of Clean Eating cook book have been easy to make with things that I have on hand and have taken a fairly short amount of both prep and cooking time.  Maybe I can do this after all.  See?  There it is.  I have to stop telling myself now that I can't do it and I won't be able to do it and that it will be hell on earth.  It will be doable.  Many women do it every day.  Many of them single moms who have to do it all day, every day.  Because of this, I am eternally grateful I have a husband who is willing to help out when needed and to have my parents who would do anything for me and the kids.  Honestly, without my parents, the first three months of Piper's life...I don't think I would have made it through without them.

Tomorrow morning is boot camp and unofficial weigh in at home for my on line weight watchers and the bet I have going with Brad.  Wish me luck!




PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Morning
1  serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios	3
1  large banana(s)	0
3  cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	3
Midday
Banana Chocolate Chip Whole Wheat pancakes - Quick-added food	7
1/2 large fresh apple(s)	0
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
Subtotal	10
Evening
1  cup(s) low-fat milk	3
5  slice(s) mixed-grain bread	8
1  Kim's Homemade Chili	5
Subtotal	16
Anytime
1  serving(s) 7 Saltines Salted	2
Subtotal	2
Food PointsPlus values total used	31
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0
Check off these important items daily:
Liquids        Milk & Milk Products     Fruit & Vegetables       Multivitamin/Mineral   Healthy Oil