New Strategy and Thinking

What is wrong with me?  Seriously what is wrong with me?  Why can't I do this?  Why am I having such a hard time doing what I've been doing for the past 12 years?

In councilling we've started working on my negative self image and my up coming return to work.  I always focus on the negative.  It doesn't matter if it is in regard to myself, my house, or my accomplishments.  Often if I can't do something "good enough" or be the BEST at it, I give up.  I have an "all or nothing" attitude.  If I can't be the best at something, I'd just rather not do it to avoid failure or losing.  What kind of life is that? If you set yourself up for failure, you will lose everytime.

I'm being taught to change my thinking from I'm not good enough or I'm not worth it to "I am good enough, I'm okay just the way I am and I am worth it". So hard when after 33 years you've told yourself "yes, but...".

I am trying hard to change my thinking. I'm trying hard not to just do what I know I am capable of and to push myself a little bit further.  If I do fail, I fail, I'll just keep at it until I am able to accomplish it...and then it'll feel like a success.  This is the case with my running.  I took the month of December off (which I regret).  I was able to come up with all kinds of excuses...the kids traded a bad cold back and forth since November 28th. I was sick with a mild sinus cold. December was crazy insane with family event after family event.  This lax attitude helped me to regain 7 of the 9 pounds I worked my ass off to lose the 3 months before.  I had a pitty party. I was in a very dark place again. So easy to slip back into old thinking and feelings.  My first run of the new year I went back a week in training.  It was difficult but I got out there.  Considering going out today once I'm done this post.

I have officially rejoined Weight Watchers meetings.  I have been following on line with some small success.  I always do better in the group meeting sessions.  I like have someone to compare myself with.  Horrible I know.  My place of employment is offering an "at work" 20 week session of meetings.  Wednesdays will be crazy busy with me driving across the city 4 times that day.  1 to drop James off at my parents then go to bootcamp, 2 to drop Piper off at my parents then drive into the college for meeting, 3 to drive back to my parents to pick up the kids and 4 to drive home once it is all over.  Sometimes though you have to do what you have to do to take time for yourself and make yourself happy.

Speaking of which, I need to make time for myself and keep my blog up.  I suppose I haven't been doing so because I didn't want anyone to know about my failures.  Failures though are what make us all human.  This is a struggle for me. When I don't do well, I get depressed.  Writing my feelings down in highschool in my diary used to help get the negative feelings out and refocus.  I recently shredded my old diaries.  I couldn't even re-read them. Some of the feelings in there were too painful to relive.  I honestly didn't have a bad life. I had a bad self preception which lead to years of misery and pain.

I don't want to live that kind of life and I certainly do not want to pass it on to my kids. I try my damnest not to obsess over my looks, say I'm fat, have negative self talk infront of them. When I am asked why I'm not having ice cream or cookies with the family or why I go to exercise class or out for a run, I simply say "to get healthy".

Because ultimately that's what this is all about. To get healthy. Both physically AND mentally.