Obviously I am back to work at this point.  It has been a challenge to my ability to keep my life and my brain together.  I think if I were able to just sit back and think about it, I would break down.  Still on my medication and at times I wish I weren't.  You know how sometimes, you wish you could just sit in a room, alone, and just have a good cry?  That's what I need, but no matter how hard I try when I do have a spare moment, the tears just won't come.

I'm ashamed to admit it, I am happy to be back at work.  I hate the new format of the office and the environment that the new office is in.  It has a lot of potential.  A lot of potential.  It just isn't operating to it's full extent.  Every morning I go into work to a full voice mail box.  I am usually able to return those calls by noon, go for lunch, have the box fill up again and as I'm returning those calls, the box fills up again...and so on and so on.  This is while juggling in person visits, the paper work that comes from the issues the visits and calls bring and don't forget emails!  I'm trying to go to the gym on my lunch hour, but often find myself working through just to try and get a head.  I'm not used to being inefficient and giving horrible customer service.  I'm trying my best, but unfortunately it just isn't good enough.

Near the end of my maternity leave though, I was ready to go back to work.  I would never cut it as a full time, stay at home mother.  I love my kids.  I really do.  They are my pride and the love of my life.  I just don't know what to do with them all day!  It would break my heart when I was trying to do something around the house like fold laundry or do the dishes and James would be trailing behind me "Mommy, will you play with me?".  I don't ever remember my parents playing with us as kids.  Not that that was a bad thing.  I want James to be able to amuse himself.  But it still kills me to think he may be lonely.

I haven't been able to lose any weight.  I'm still playing with the same 5 pounds lost since January.  I'm eating because I'm lonely.  I've been back to work almost 2 months now and I'm really lonely.  Yes, I have my kids, yes, I'm back to playing softball...but I"m lonely.  With Brad working shifts, and off every other weekend, we don't see each other much.  Not that I necessarily would want to see him anyway.  I'm still really pissed off and annoyed with him.  I"m not supposed to be living pay cheque to pay cheque.  This new job feels like it has been all for naught.  He's working lots of overtime and bringing in decent money for a change, but it all goes to his debt.  I'm constantly stressing over bills and money, making sure we have enough money to pay our regular bills on top of the line of credit, and he keeps spending it.  I'm making sacrifices, doing without and it is no skin off his back.  

I'm eating to fill the voids.  Eating to keep myself "happy".  However, it isn't making me happy, it is making things worse.  Much, much worse.  It just seems like nothing is ever going to get any better on any front and I just don't have the patience to stick any of it out.

Something has to give.  At work.  In my relationship.  In my own way of thinking.

Holy Crap...I Did it! Thoughts on my first 5K Run

Some things stick with you for life.  No matter how hard you try to overcome them, old thoughts and habits are always circulating around in the back of your mind.  Or, at least they are for me.  Elementary school was...shit...21 years ago, yet old feelings and personal ideals are still as fresh as they were then.  I will forever remember gym class, dreading the summer time when classes were taken outside and activities that involved running, cardio and stamina prevailed.  Trailing along behind the class for the 1k run.  Watching all the "athletic" kids who were able to run the entire course, wondering what it was like, wishing I could be like them.  Throwing temper tantrums in grade 5 because I didn't want to go to school because it was track and field day.  I didn't want to live through another day of utter humiliation of being the slow fat kid, coming in last.  Guess someone always had to be the loser.

For these reasons running a 5k race was once of the biggest accomplishments in my life.  I have been practising and training for this moment since September.  I've had a few set backs along the way.  The latest being the week before the race.  My kids have been passing a cold back and forth for the past month along with ear infections, taking me along for the ride.  I've also been sick for the past month, which of course got worse the week before with congestion, plugged sinuses, you know, the works.  I haven't had much time to take care of myself, let alone train in the past few weeks, so I went in not feeling totally confident of my capabilities, which, let's be honest here, aren't all that great to begin with.

The night before Piper was running a fever.  I tried to get to bed as early as I could, but with a sick baby, even with a husband who is willing to take over, it is hard to get rest when you're worrying about her.  I didn't drink any water the day before either, which in hindsight, hurt my ability to go as far running as I would have liked.

The day of, I was oddly calm.  I treated it like I was just going out for a run as I would any other day, except this time it would be with 500 of my closest friends.  I wanted Brad and James there to see me start, but due to some complications with the race, the school not being open, they went home instead to meet me at the finish line.

As the race started and everyone took off running, I felt good.  My congestion seemed like it was going to bother me as I first took off and was worried when I got the urge to start walking even before we got around the block.  However that feeling quickly passed.  The first 2k felt good.  I was able to keep a good pace, got passed, and passed others.  Things felt good.  We made it to a loop around and I walked for a little bit...no more than two minutes, like I had been training to do and started back along the way we had just come, to make the trip down the mountain.  I walked most of that way, I wanted to be able to say I ran across the finish line.  When I made it to the downhill portion, I ran the entire way.  It felt incredible on the decline, like I could continue at that pace forever.  All that kept going through my head was "Holy mother fucking shit, I am actually doing this!"  When I made it to the bottom I walked a little bit more, saving myself for the "big finish".  I rounded the corner and was able to see the finish, Trina, the most incredible fitness person I have ever met, was there to cheer on all of her people who crossed.  If it wasn't for her yelling at me to sprint at the finish, I would have continued on trotting my merry way.  What makes her different from anyone else who runs any of the classes I have ever taken, she actually does care. I am sad that I may not be able to continue on with her classes once I get back to work.

My time for the 5.56k run was 40 minutes 7 seconds.  Sure, not a great time.  In my head I was thinking I would be 45 minutes or more, so I did better than I anticipated.  There was an error in the race layout, so instead of it being a 5k race, it was a 5.56k.  The race organizers adjusted times to estimate what each person would have run if the race were an actual 5k even.  I would have had a time of 36 minutes, 7 seconds.  I finished in 403 place and was 40th in my age category.  Sure it bothers me that only 60 people finished after me, and 402 finished before me.  I have to remind myself this was my very first time ever having done this.  I had a sinus cold and chest congestion.  I was barely at 60% of my normal health and had next to no energy.  All I could think was, next time I'll do even better.  Wait.  Next time?  I'm already thinking about doing this again?  Yeah, you know it.  I'm hooked!

More important than any of the numbers and standings, any of that, was that James was able to be there and see Mommy cross the finish line.  I tried to explain simply to James that you don't know if you can do something unless you try.  I wanted him to see me do something I never ever thought I could do, or even would do.  I crossed that line and just wanted to cry.  Happy tears of joy, of accomplishment and maybe even of a little pain.

I did it.  Cross that one off my bucket list.  I did it.  It may not seem like a big deal, but right now, I feel pretty fucking awesome.

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I'm still behind the 8 ball when it comes to weight loss as of late. I can tell the 3 weeks away from physical activity really took a toll on my progress.  The size 12 jeans I had been wearing with ease. suddenly aren't so easy to get into any more.  This isn't muffin top, this is bunt cake top people!

I made it out for a run yesterday morning.  I went back only a day in my training and it wasn't so bad.  I also managed to find a website that allowed me to estimate the distance of my current route I take when I go out.  Unbelievably, I have managed to pick a route that is 5.01 km.  My walk to work is only 3 km.  I'm suddenly feeling a whole heck of a lot more confident about my upcoming 5k race.  I think I'll still have to walk more than run, but it is a starting point, since I have only finished about 75% of my Couch25k running program.  Plus, I am still battling this ongoing illness.  Every time I start to feel better, it just keeps coming back.  I refuse to see the doctor though.  Every time I end up giving in an going, it is nothing he can help with.  I'd rather try and a naturopathic way anyway.  I've come this far, why ruin a good thing.That, and my doctor is a tool.

In last week's meeting it was mentioned that journalling is one of the keys to successful weight loss.  Not just food tracking, that is pretty much a given.  Actually writing down your thoughts or just a word or two when you  have a good day or bad day.  I think that is good advice.  I personally seem to be able to stay on track better when I take the time to sit down and blog.  It gets my feelings in order.  Sometimes when I sit and consider why I just pigged out on something I shouldn't have, if I take the time to figure out why, it helps to prevent the issue from happening again.  The problem of course is, finding the time.  Today James is at preschool and since Piper is refusing to nap, she is happily playing with her toys and crawling all around the room (!) I have a moment...thank goodness for typing skills and a cordless keyboard to keep an eye on the Day Walker over there!!  Ironic that at night after the kids go to sleep I don't feel like blogging.  Often it is the only time of the day I've had to myself and just want to sit and turn off my brain and either watch tv while playing Bejeweled or crochet.  Even though it would be the perfect time to be alone with my thoughts...I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, if that makes any sense.

Today has gone pretty good.  I've been in control of my eating and portion sizes.  Breakfast was high fibre instant oatmeal and a banana.  Lunch was an egg white omelette with green peppers, onion, cheddar cheese, a slice of Ezekiel bread and sparkling cranberry juice.  Dinner  is going to be a spaghetti and meatball casserole that I haven't worked out the points for yet.  The recipe is in my clean living cookbook and I have 15 points left, so I should be okay...even with a glass of milk to drink!

Yikes!  Mommy duty calls!!!

PS...I find it ironic that the word "blog" is not recognized by spell check...on a blogging site.

Results Blog and Other Ramblings

Just as I suspected, I gained this week.  One whole pound.  This was not unexpected nor was it as bad as I anticipated.  I can make excuses for myself, but I'm not going to.  I know what is wrong.  The problem is, I just don't know how to fix it...and I don't know if I even can until I settle into my final life juggling a marriage, kids and a full time career.

Today is the first day I feel like I've got even an iota of my normal energy level back.  In previous posts I mentioned that I had a cold.  This cold as lasted 3 weeks and knocked me right out on my ass.  I missed 2 and a half weeks of my boot camp and running.  This past Wednesday was the first day I was able to even attempt any time of physical activity and I certainly wasn't up to my normal level of fitness.  Yes, I know it is possible to lose weight without the benefit of exercise.  My first time around with Weight Watchers, I lost 40 pounds without one day of actual activity, of course it took me quite a long time to get there, but I did it.  However, I wasn't eating right nor was I making proper food decisions for the past 3 weeks.  When Brad was on nights, I opted for quick and easy...not so wholesome and not so balanced meals.  Hell, one night James and I had Sloppy Joes with potato chips as a side.  True unadulterated comfort food.  Nothing good about it.  I enjoyed it at the time, but later that night, my body revolted against me.  Sorry for the graphic and unpleasant image, but I had things coming out of both ends of my body later in the night.  Even when I did try and attempt to build up the energy to cook an actual meal, I didn't stop at just one properly measured portion size.  Three helpings later...hey, don't judge, I made a wickedly awesome moist turkey breast, mashed potatoes and fresh green beans.  So what if I didn't have second and third helpings of the green beans, just the turkey and mashed potatoes (with a healthy serving of gravy).  It was what I needed a that moment in time.  Oh, I even made a pumpkin pie in there at one point.  Urgh.

Combine the illness and no activity with my complete and total denial of having to leave my kids for my job very soon, I've been an emotional mess.  I haven't been remembering to take my meds most days, and when I can't remember if I did or not, I just skip 'em just in case.  I am knowingly replacing my feelings and the eventuality of knowing that I do have to go back to work as of May 7th, with food to fill the emptiness I am already feeling in my soul (even if Gingers don't have souls ;) )  I will never have this time with my kids in my life again.  I know it isn't like I'm going away forever.  I know I will still see them everyday.  I just won't be spending all day, every day with them every again for this length of time.  That saddens me.  I feel like I"m shutting myself off and trying to draw away from them in order to soften the blow to me that will be taking place in two months.  Could be the reason I allowed Brad to talk me into enrolling James in pre-school two days a week. I've been keeping pretty busy too.  Monday, James goes to pre-school, Tuesday we have together all day, Wednesday is boot camp so James stays with my parents if Brad isn't off and Piper comes with me, Thursday is Weight Watchers so Piper and James stay with my parents and Friday we have all day together.  Of course the weekends are all us, sometimes with Brad, sometimes not.

My house has also been falling apart.  Haven't been cleaning like I should. But that is nether here nor there.

I'm really disappointed in myself that for the whole 6 weeks of official weight watchers, going to meetings rather than just doing it at home, I've lost only a pound.  Some of the women in my meeting have already hit 11!  Why in the hell can't I do this?  I really wanted to be at least in the 170's before returning to work, but that isn't going to happen.  I don't know why I feel that way, I just think everyone will look at me and think "tsk, she really let herself go after this baby" and "wow, look at how much weight she gained" blah blah blah.  Face it, we all think it when someone comes back.  It is either, "wow, they look fantastic" or "phew...man".  Maybe I put too much pressure on myself with a timeline.  This time at least I have no intention of getting pregnant again, and can't now...that I honestly really have all the time in the world to get back to where I was...and better.  Now if only my right brain could tell my left brain all will be good!

Results and Other Ramblings - Week 4

Stayed exactly the same to the ounce last week.  I have very low hopes for this week.

I'm still flat on my ass out with this cold.  It has been a very very long time since I have felt this absolutely horrible.  I haven't been keeping track of my points because I haven't had much of an appetite.  Normally that wouldn't be such a bad thing except for the fact that when I am hungry, I will just grab whatever is ready made an easily available.  I haven't been eating lunch since it is currently such a chore getting the kids fed.  Once that is done, I can't be bothered to make myself a spinach salad, omlette or other clean and healthy concoction.

I cannot wait for my energy and lung capacity to get back to where it should be.  I have gone almost 2 weeks now without the will or ability for any exercise.  I am finally beginning to get my energy back, I'm just waiting for my broncial infection to cure itself and go away.

In my at home monitoring of my weight, it appears I have gained 2 pounds so far.  I have every intention of getting it under control to no avail.

Taking care of two babies while sick sucks...Piper just woke up unhappy.  Excuse me while I go calm her down.

Official Week 3 Results Blog and Other Ramblings

Been a little remiss in blogging these past few weeks.  You'll have to forgive me.  Germs have once again over-ridden my homestead and waged battle against my own immune system and won.  The little bastards (which is what I will refer to the germs as hence forth) have invaded my body and kicked the crap out of my awesome super-hero strength immunities and sent my illness preventing white blood cells packing.  Okay, okay, I may be being a little over dramatic, but at this point, the germs of a three year old are kicking my ass.

I haven't been this sick in quite sometime.  Before I was overtaken by the little bastards, I was on quite the roll. I managed 5 straight days of exercise, be it my running or boot camp.  I could have made it 7 straight, but am taking the advice of all and any website I have read and giving my body some days in between to rest.  My points and clean eating were almost perfect to a "T".  I lost 1.8 pounds!  I was quite proud of myself too.  I set my week goal for a pound and a half, and I managed to surpass it by 0.3.  I was on fire.  I was on a roll.  Then as previously mentioned, I got sick.

I haven't been this beaten down by illness in a very long time.  I haven't got much energy.  I've missed 6 days of scheduled exercise, and will probably end up missing an entire week.  Just as I was about to hit the 20 minutes of straight running mark in my training, I came down with chest congestion from hell.  I obviously didn't want to attempt running with compromised lung capacity.  I missed Wednesdays and Sunday's boot camps and several training runs along the way.  I have been taking solace in comfort food in the form of pizza and wings, Big Macs and fries, lattes and dill pickle chips.  Even though I had planned on setting another mini goal of another pound a half this week, I fully expect to see a gain at the scale this week.

This has been quite the set back.  I am not normally this much of a baby when it comes to catching the little bastards.  The kids have both been sick as well.  I have found it extremely challenging to take care of two sick little children while feeling like utter shit myself.  I've had to push away my own health and taking care of myself in order to make sure they are comfortable and feeling as best as they can given the circumstances.  Of course, I realize that is all part of being a Mother and my duty to take care of the needs of them before my own.  Fortunately the worst of my cold came when Brad had an entire weekend off and was able to take care of the kids....and me...while being home.  I got frustrated though.  I would be up at 3:00 am when the NyQuil wore off, hacking up a lung.  I'd go downstairs and continue to sleep on the couch so I wouldn't wake up the rest of the household with my coughing.  Last night I was up at 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep until 6:00am.  I just wanted someone to take care of me like I'd taken care of the kids.  I wanted to be babied, and be told to go back to bed, or go have a bubble bath, or reminded to take some sinus meds.  I guess that part of my life is over.  A sad day.  Being an adult sucks.

I haven't taken my "happy pills" in 4 days.  I know it isn't good to just stop them cold turkey.  I did that back in high school and remember almost blacking out after climbing up to the top floor.  So it is a good thing I haven't felt much like exercise.  I don't plan on going off of them just yet.  I figure I will more than likely need their added support to get me through the transition of going back to work...which is coming up REAL soon.  I just figured right now cold medication in the form of cough syrup, NyQuil and sinus medication was much  more important to try and get better and fight off the little bastards invading my body than any else....and I didn't need any complications or to be flying high from the reaction of the "happy pills" along side the NyQuil.  Although...that would make for one HELL of a party.  RAISE THE ROOF!  WHAT!  WHAT!

No Weight Watchers points posting for you today...since I...er...haven't done it at all this week.  Shit.  GET OUT OF MY BODY YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, I WAS ON A ROLL!!!!!

Sick sick sick

Brad finally has a day off today.  Couldn't have come at a better time too.  After 7 straight days, I am ready to be able to sleep in and give some child care responsibility over to him.  James came down with a cold on Thursday, so he was unable to have his planned sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Piper is beginning to sound congested and I have a sore, thick throat.  Some one let the germs back into the house and I am most displeased.  As much as I would like to blame James going to day care, I can't.  It came on too quickly for it to have originated from a kid there.  I have my suspicions.  You know who you are.  Yes.  YOU. STAY AWAY.  Every single time my kid plays with your kid, mine gets sick.  NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Running has been going really well.  I'm actually considering signing up for a 5k run, 2 months ahead of my goal of doing the Around the Bay 5k race.  I'm not sure I can actually run the whole thing.  My time won't be pretty.  I'm fairly certain I will be the last person who will cross the finish line, but I am determined that I can and will do this.  Brad is off that day so I won't have to depend on my parents, once again, watching the kids for me while I do something for myself.

I am once again torn between being a Mommy and being Kim.  At times it seems impossible to consolidate both people into one person.  After I had James, the next summer I was able to go back to playing softball.  James was 7 months old at the beginning of the season and Brad and I were able to drop him off at my parents while we played.  That summer I was able to feel like I was Kim again for 3 hours of the week.  I was able to see my friends and let my dirty, dirty potty mouth out of its cage, tell adult jokes and not have to watch what I say constantly.  This summer, Piper was new born and the games were scheduled for much later in the evening.  Piper wouldn't have been a problem leaving at my parent's house, however James was almost 3 and we didn't want to pick him up from my parents at 11:00pm to bring home, totally disrupting his sleep.  I missed that opportunity this summer to feel like Kim again, and in the middle of really bad postpartum depression, it played a huge part in the downward spiral I experienced for the first 5 months of Piper's life.

I may be over compensating for that now.  I am torn between spending as much time with my children as I can before I have to go back to work, only 3 short months from now, and taking time for myself.  I feel extremely guilty for wanting and needing to do this.  I have three days a week now that I am off doing something that focuses on me.

Wednesdays are my Stroller Bootcamp.  That is Mommy and Piper time.  So at least Piper is with me.  It isn't like the Mother Goose song time I used to do with James.  Mother Goose was all at him, where as Stroller class is all about me, with 5 minutes of parachute and songs for Piper.  She does love watching Mommy bounce around in class and giggles at me when we're skipping.  But it just isn't the same.  On the hand, I have to rely, once again, on my parents to watch James for me if Brad doesn't have the Wednesday off.  I could technically take James with me to the class.  I tried to do that twice, but he is a handful.  I wasn't getting a good workout worrying about what he is doing and getting into.  Plus I think he was bored, always asking me what he could do.  Maybe I'll try brining him with me again just to see how it goes.

Thursdays are my Weight Watchers meetings.  James is in daycare that day so he isn't an issue.  Piper however....last week after I dropped James off at the centre, I went over to my parents and stayed there until it was time to leave for my meeting, leaving her there for my parents to watch.  Came back from the meeting and waited until it was time to pick James up from daycare.

And now Sundays.  I wanted to up my activity level and include another day of a high intensity workout.  I love Trina and Fit4Females so much I wanted to add another day of her awesome workouts.  So I am going to go on Sunday late morning now too...with some friends!  But again, that is another day away and another day I will have to rely on my parents to watch the kids for me if Brad doesn't have the day off.

I think more than anything what is bothering me is taking advantage of my parents by having them watch James and Piper so that I can go off and do my thing.  At the same time, taking care of myself and making time for myself will ultimately make me a better person and a better Mommy.  I have more energy and feel better about myself and am a happier person after a good workout or a good run.  I have been able to laugh and enjoy myself more as of late.  I love to dance with James and Piper in the kitchen on the days Brad works nights.  We crank the tunes, James plays air guitar and makes rock n' roll faces while Piper bops and giggles in my arms as we wash dishes and clean up after dinner.  These are the memories I will cherish always.  I just hope and pray that if my Mom and Dad do feel used or taken advantage of or are tired, they will tell me so.  Say "no".  Because, like me, they just can't say no when it comes to their kids or their grandkids.  Every time I leave either James or Piper at their house, it just feels like I am dumping them off so I can go be selfish.  Guilt.  How do you say thank you and I love you for all that you do for us?  Words are just words and can be twisted and taken advantage of.  I'm a master at getting what I want and manipulating people so that I can get what I want.  The sign of a truly selfish person.  I don't think that is what I'm doing to my parents.  If they were to tell me no, I'd find another way, someone else, or I just wouldn't do these things.   I don't think that is the case.  But what if it is?  At times like this I really do feel like such a horrible person.

It will all be ending soon anyway.  Don't know if I can continue my runs after I go back to work.  I obviously won't be able to continue my Stroller bootcamp and Sunday's I'll only be able to attend every other week, so what would the point of that be?  I won't be asking my parents to watch the kids that day because they'll have Piper through the week and James too.

When did life get so complicated?  Oh.  Right.  9 months ago.

Hey, good news at least.  I've been rocking the Weight Watchers thing this week.  Staying within my daily point range and only eating extra if I've earned activity points.  Haven't once had to go into my weekly point allowance.