I lost 3.8 pounds this week and according to MY scale I am officially out of the 190's! I weighed in at home at 189.8! I am so excited! I have been motivated. I have been feeling good about myself. I have been able to avoid temptation and say no to certain foods that have been offered to me. I've added flax, almonds, more vegetables and cut out all processed foods and "white" foods.
Brad? Well. 'Kay first, men lose easier. Second, he has a lot more weight to lose than I do. HE lost 12.8 pounds. In a week. Just by following the same diet I have been. I'm proud of him. I'm happy for him. I am a sore loser though. We have a side bet going on who can lose 20 pounds by December 21. I was winning. And then, he started taking it serious and I started cooking healthy. So I take FULL credit for his loss. I'm the one who got his ass off the couch for a walk. I'm the one gently suggesting what not to eat and what to eat. What habits that should stop. Pointing out to him his unconsious eating.
Yea, I'm a sore loser, however it certainly doesn't help when he is over my shoulder as I type this gloating and teasing about his great job.
I do jest though. He's done a great job. To start eating healthy like this takes a lot of disipline and you do have to come to terms with it and be ready. I'm proud of him for doing this with me. This is the support I so despereately needed in my life and this is the change in his that he needed.
Together, we will be unstoppable! ( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)
K
( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
I feel amazing. I am trying new things that before I didn't think I would like or would be too hard to maintain. Now that we have the proper groceries in the house and have replaced certain items with a healthier or better option, eating "cleaner" is a whole hell of a lot easier.
I am enjoying my lunches of spinach, tuna and eggs. I started throwing a quarter cup of tuna on my spinach salad along with a couple tea spoons of flax seeds, pair it up with a hard boiled egg, a cup of milk and Greek yogurt (another teaspoon of flax) and your GOLDEN! Tonight's dinner was one of my best yet. I made a stir fry creation of my very own! I'm usually pretty unwilling to concoct something in the kitchen on my own in fear that it won't taste good and no one will end up eating dinner. However, I made my own stir fry marinade. A couple shakes of soy sauce, a couple shakes of worshetershire a teaspoon of olive oil, a table spoon of honey, garlic and pepper. Sauteed a cut of sirloin beef, measured 3oz per portion, onion, green and red pepper and zucchini and a side of brown rice. DELICIOUS! James even ate and liked it. Yeah, the sodium content could have been better, but it was a start.
There have been some misses too. Take today's lunch for example. I took two hard boiled eggs, mashed them up and filled a whole grain tortilla along with spinach and some cheddar cheese. It definitely needed something...else. Something tangy. I'm not one for egg salad, so mayonnaise it out. Maybe some dill pickle spears for crunch and tang. Might be willing to give it another try.
My attempts at a total lifestyle change are having an impact on both James and Brad. James and I had a good discussion about what is and is not healthy and why healthy is good for you. Brad has been eating better and making a conscious effort to lose weight. He is even allowing me to coach him a little bit and be a bit of a drill sergeant when I see something he shouldn't do or could do better. Like, finishing off James' food, especially if it is something bad. He's even joined the YMCA so he will be able to use their gym facilities. Yes, baby steps are being made all around and I am proud of us all.
I haven't been able to get in much activity this week other than housework unfortunately. The weekend was busy with family stuff and with the loss of my itouch and running program, I was unable to get out for a run. I'm not happy about that but I am not going to beat myself up about it like I normally would. I'm not sure how well boot camp and possible runs will go this week as I've had a minor physical set back. This morning at 6:00am I began my day by falling down the stairs. All 8 of them, from the very top to the very bottom. I've twisted my knee and ankle pretty badly and have wicked bruises on my elbow and bicep. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, however I am eternally grateful that I was not carrying Piper at the time.
I'm off to have a nice hot bath now. It has been a long day, I am sore and sleepy. Tonight? I'm going to bed happy.
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Monday, November 21, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
2 tsp flax seed(s) 1
Subtotal 4
Midday
2 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 serving(s) Ezekiel Whole Grain Pita 4
1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 oz Cheddar or colby cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) PC Hummus 2
7 item(s) uncooked baby carrots 0
Subtotal 12
Evening
3 oz cooked lean and trimmed beef sirloin 4
1/2 cup(s) uncooked instant brown rice 5
1 Tbsp soy sauce 0
1 Tbsp honey 2
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet green pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet red pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked onion(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14
Anytime
10 Almonds 2
Subtotal 2
Food PointsPlus values total used 34
I am enjoying my lunches of spinach, tuna and eggs. I started throwing a quarter cup of tuna on my spinach salad along with a couple tea spoons of flax seeds, pair it up with a hard boiled egg, a cup of milk and Greek yogurt (another teaspoon of flax) and your GOLDEN! Tonight's dinner was one of my best yet. I made a stir fry creation of my very own! I'm usually pretty unwilling to concoct something in the kitchen on my own in fear that it won't taste good and no one will end up eating dinner. However, I made my own stir fry marinade. A couple shakes of soy sauce, a couple shakes of worshetershire a teaspoon of olive oil, a table spoon of honey, garlic and pepper. Sauteed a cut of sirloin beef, measured 3oz per portion, onion, green and red pepper and zucchini and a side of brown rice. DELICIOUS! James even ate and liked it. Yeah, the sodium content could have been better, but it was a start.
There have been some misses too. Take today's lunch for example. I took two hard boiled eggs, mashed them up and filled a whole grain tortilla along with spinach and some cheddar cheese. It definitely needed something...else. Something tangy. I'm not one for egg salad, so mayonnaise it out. Maybe some dill pickle spears for crunch and tang. Might be willing to give it another try.
My attempts at a total lifestyle change are having an impact on both James and Brad. James and I had a good discussion about what is and is not healthy and why healthy is good for you. Brad has been eating better and making a conscious effort to lose weight. He is even allowing me to coach him a little bit and be a bit of a drill sergeant when I see something he shouldn't do or could do better. Like, finishing off James' food, especially if it is something bad. He's even joined the YMCA so he will be able to use their gym facilities. Yes, baby steps are being made all around and I am proud of us all.
I haven't been able to get in much activity this week other than housework unfortunately. The weekend was busy with family stuff and with the loss of my itouch and running program, I was unable to get out for a run. I'm not happy about that but I am not going to beat myself up about it like I normally would. I'm not sure how well boot camp and possible runs will go this week as I've had a minor physical set back. This morning at 6:00am I began my day by falling down the stairs. All 8 of them, from the very top to the very bottom. I've twisted my knee and ankle pretty badly and have wicked bruises on my elbow and bicep. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, however I am eternally grateful that I was not carrying Piper at the time.
I'm off to have a nice hot bath now. It has been a long day, I am sore and sleepy. Tonight? I'm going to bed happy.
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Monday, November 21, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
2 tsp flax seed(s) 1
Subtotal 4
Midday
2 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 serving(s) Ezekiel Whole Grain Pita 4
1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 oz Cheddar or colby cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) PC Hummus 2
7 item(s) uncooked baby carrots 0
Subtotal 12
Evening
3 oz cooked lean and trimmed beef sirloin 4
1/2 cup(s) uncooked instant brown rice 5
1 Tbsp soy sauce 0
1 Tbsp honey 2
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet green pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet red pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked onion(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14
Anytime
10 Almonds 2
Subtotal 2
Food PointsPlus values total used 34
Friday, November 18, 2011
The day the lights went out
We had big plans for today. James and I cleaned the living room while Piper watched and Brad slept in the morning, in preparation for decorating for Christmas. At some point in the morning I placed my iPod on our Rubbermaid set of plastic drawers (the ones I keep all the soothers and bibs in) along with my mug of coffee. As I happened to look over, I saw Coffee (our cat) hop onto the drawers and prepare to jump over to the half wall that separates the entrance from the dining room. I act a second too slowly and the drawers, coffee (the tasty beverage) and ipod go every which direction. DEVASTATION! The coffee (again the tasty beverage) can be refilled. The ipod? $170 to fix or $180 for a new 8 gig. Coffee (the cat) is in the dog house.
I did not realize just how attached I have become to that handy little device until the lights went out on it. It has become my source of socialization while on maternity leave. I hate the telephone, even as a teenager. I'd rather text or email, facebook or tweet. More importantly than anything else, this time around with the baby, that little device (which I had named Harvey II) is my key to weight loss. My running program is on it as is my mobile weight watchers tracking. I find I will track my points much more easily and readily since it is right there. I'm not required to look points up for anything as it is all in my database. All points are kept track with no math work for me to do. I automatically know what my daily, weekly and activity points are at a glance. I can also keep track of my water intake and how many servings of each food group I have consumed. Tomorrow we have to take it back to the Apple Store and I will be without for a while. I'm actually panicking. I was doing so well and I don't know how I can keep my motivation up without it. Especially with the running. The helpful timer and beeping ensured I was learning to run correctly by slowly building up my endurance. Oh please people at Apple, be gentle. Harvey is worth an additional $170 to me because he is my life! Reason I opted to get Harvey fixed rather than replaced? Mine is a 32 gig. The Replacement would only be 8 gig and I enjoy having my entire cd collection and then some in my pocket, ;P
So despite my best intentions of grocery shopping and going for a run, I did neither as we ventured to the Apple Store for NOTHING. We have to go back tomorrow to drop it off (long story). Hopefully I can get one more run in before I have to give it up. Harvey is still operational, just no longer back lit, so very hard to see.
Food wise I did very good. While I did have a sub for dinner, we didn't take the easier way out of burger and fries or any other fast alternative since we didn't get out of Apple until 5:30.
Today was a crappy, frustrating day. It is now over. Tomorrow will be better. I know it will.
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Friday, November 18, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp red wine vinegar 0
1 oz Cheddar cheese 3
1/4 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained 1
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
Subtotal 10
Evening
Roast Beef Sub on Whole Wheat, no cheese - 12
Subtotal 12
Anytime
Date loaf - Quick-added food 4
Subtotal 4
Food PointsPlus values total used 29
Food PointsPlus values remaining 1
I did not realize just how attached I have become to that handy little device until the lights went out on it. It has become my source of socialization while on maternity leave. I hate the telephone, even as a teenager. I'd rather text or email, facebook or tweet. More importantly than anything else, this time around with the baby, that little device (which I had named Harvey II) is my key to weight loss. My running program is on it as is my mobile weight watchers tracking. I find I will track my points much more easily and readily since it is right there. I'm not required to look points up for anything as it is all in my database. All points are kept track with no math work for me to do. I automatically know what my daily, weekly and activity points are at a glance. I can also keep track of my water intake and how many servings of each food group I have consumed. Tomorrow we have to take it back to the Apple Store and I will be without for a while. I'm actually panicking. I was doing so well and I don't know how I can keep my motivation up without it. Especially with the running. The helpful timer and beeping ensured I was learning to run correctly by slowly building up my endurance. Oh please people at Apple, be gentle. Harvey is worth an additional $170 to me because he is my life! Reason I opted to get Harvey fixed rather than replaced? Mine is a 32 gig. The Replacement would only be 8 gig and I enjoy having my entire cd collection and then some in my pocket, ;P
So despite my best intentions of grocery shopping and going for a run, I did neither as we ventured to the Apple Store for NOTHING. We have to go back tomorrow to drop it off (long story). Hopefully I can get one more run in before I have to give it up. Harvey is still operational, just no longer back lit, so very hard to see.
Food wise I did very good. While I did have a sub for dinner, we didn't take the easier way out of burger and fries or any other fast alternative since we didn't get out of Apple until 5:30.
Today was a crappy, frustrating day. It is now over. Tomorrow will be better. I know it will.
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Friday, November 18, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp red wine vinegar 0
1 oz Cheddar cheese 3
1/4 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained 1
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
Subtotal 10
Evening
Roast Beef Sub on Whole Wheat, no cheese - 12
Subtotal 12
Anytime
Date loaf - Quick-added food 4
Subtotal 4
Food PointsPlus values total used 29
Food PointsPlus values remaining 1
Thursday, November 17, 2011
You are what you eat
Today I am proud of James and I. I made a healthy dinner, and he ate it. Without being prompted! Tonight I made Wild Salmon brushed with a tsp of olive oil and two tsps of balsamic vinegar, broiled for 12 minutes, a side of brown rice with zucchini quickly sauteed in a little bit of soy sauce, and a baby spinach salad for me.
James ate his entire salmon fillet without any problem at all, and even commented that it was "really good Mommy!". I had to encourage him to try the rice, and he did, said it was good even. Then he tried one of the cucumbers in it (zucchini, but did nothing to discourage him calling it that at the time since he loves cucumber).
Eating healthy and a positive self image is something I am very concerned about with my kids. Today James asked me why I go to an exercise class. I was very careful not to say it was to lose weight or to get thin. I made a point of saying it was to get and stay healthy. I try really had that no matter how badly I am feeling about myself on any given day, I do not project those feelings of doubt and self hatred. Having low self esteem and a low self image is a horrible thing to have and I certainly do not want either James or Piper to have these feelings that I am plagued with almost every day. I make sure to call James handsome and Piper beautiful. I tell both my children I love them and that to me they are special. I want my children to have the self confidence I pretend to have while inside I doubt in myself everything. You can especially tell when I'm attempting to be confident at work and I start stuttering and tripping over my words. The worst is when I know I'm doing it and am aware of it, just makes it all come out worse. The only problem I hope I don't encounter is creating little monsters who think they are the only ones in the world with giant huge egos. Must find the balance to create well rounded creative thinking individuals.
I did not make it out for a run today. Instead I had a play date for James. It was bloody cold out anyway. I will go tomorrow and have rescheduled my run for Saturday (I had planned on resting on the weekend anyway). This works out better anyway. I had three days straight of activity, time to give the body a day of rest and get back into it tomorrow. I was quite pleased with my eating today. I think I ate as clean as I could get with what I had on hand. Given a properly stocked pantry, it wouldn't be as hard as I had always assumed it to be. Still can't quit the coffee though. Almost fell asleep this morning while giving Piper her bottle. So we'll just have to cut it down to two cups a day and go from there.
Tomorrow is measurement day! Let us hope for good things. Fingers crossed!
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3
1 large banana(s) 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 oz cheddar cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 7
Evening
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
1 serving(s) Salmon Fillet 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Renee's Lemon Poppy Seed 1
Subtotal 13
Anytime
1/2 slice(s) date-nut bread 3
Subtotal 3
Food PointsPlus values total used 26
Food PointsPlus values remaining 4
James ate his entire salmon fillet without any problem at all, and even commented that it was "really good Mommy!". I had to encourage him to try the rice, and he did, said it was good even. Then he tried one of the cucumbers in it (zucchini, but did nothing to discourage him calling it that at the time since he loves cucumber).
Eating healthy and a positive self image is something I am very concerned about with my kids. Today James asked me why I go to an exercise class. I was very careful not to say it was to lose weight or to get thin. I made a point of saying it was to get and stay healthy. I try really had that no matter how badly I am feeling about myself on any given day, I do not project those feelings of doubt and self hatred. Having low self esteem and a low self image is a horrible thing to have and I certainly do not want either James or Piper to have these feelings that I am plagued with almost every day. I make sure to call James handsome and Piper beautiful. I tell both my children I love them and that to me they are special. I want my children to have the self confidence I pretend to have while inside I doubt in myself everything. You can especially tell when I'm attempting to be confident at work and I start stuttering and tripping over my words. The worst is when I know I'm doing it and am aware of it, just makes it all come out worse. The only problem I hope I don't encounter is creating little monsters who think they are the only ones in the world with giant huge egos. Must find the balance to create well rounded creative thinking individuals.
I did not make it out for a run today. Instead I had a play date for James. It was bloody cold out anyway. I will go tomorrow and have rescheduled my run for Saturday (I had planned on resting on the weekend anyway). This works out better anyway. I had three days straight of activity, time to give the body a day of rest and get back into it tomorrow. I was quite pleased with my eating today. I think I ate as clean as I could get with what I had on hand. Given a properly stocked pantry, it wouldn't be as hard as I had always assumed it to be. Still can't quit the coffee though. Almost fell asleep this morning while giving Piper her bottle. So we'll just have to cut it down to two cups a day and go from there.
Tomorrow is measurement day! Let us hope for good things. Fingers crossed!
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3
1 large banana(s) 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 oz cheddar cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 7
Evening
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
1 serving(s) Salmon Fillet 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Renee's Lemon Poppy Seed 1
Subtotal 13
Anytime
1/2 slice(s) date-nut bread 3
Subtotal 3
Food PointsPlus values total used 26
Food PointsPlus values remaining 4
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Dr Seuss Knows Best
Breathe in. Breathe out. Now silently scream inside your head. Scream even though you knew what the out come would be. Scream and criticize yourself because there was probably something else you could have done. Should have done. Lied to yourself about somewhere along the way. Didn't push yourself hard enough. Took the easy way out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now...let. It. Go. Poof.
Negative thoughts. Always negative thoughts first. Today was weigh in day for both Weight Watchers and for the Biggest Loser Challenge. I got to watch my weight rise and feel like a big loser! Wooo! This week I thought I did pretty well. I made some food choices I normally wouldn't make. Tried to think outside the box and make the best of what I had on hand in the house already to make due until grocery day (and payday) Friday. I made sure that every day I had scheduled a little red "R" on my calendar, I got my ass out the door. Sure I had some slip ups along the way, but as far as Weight Watchers was concerned, I wrote down everything I ate. Everything.
So what happened? How did I manage to gain 0.6 pounds this week? I don't know. It is a mystery. “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr, Seuss. In other words. Shit happens, learn from it and move on. Sure, I"m taking it out of context, but for my purposes, it fits. Maybe it should read more like: "Don't cry, because it is over. Smile because it happened". Yeah, I gained. I was really hoping to do well my first week of this challenge. But to quote another create "creator" "You can't always get what you want"...but I may just get what I need...in this case, the kick in the ass and the extra motivation I need to make me even more determined, more stubborn and more on target than last week. Ha. That is me. Taking a negative and turning it into a positive.
Trina was great though. I think she really knew how hard the gain hit me even though I (think) I maintained a brave exterior and didn't show how badly it effected me. She gave me the pep talk I needed to hear. Sometimes I get caught up trying to be the best I can be and if I don't see the results, I pretty much give up. I am hard on myself. Extremely hard on myself. I hate to fail and I hate not seeing results and giving anything less than my best. Because of which, I think I often underestimate myself. Must stop that. I will do better. I will get through this. And, more importantly I think, once I get there, I WILL be happy with myself and what I have achieved. I will quit trying to reach for perfection, because that is the one sure way to ensure a failure.
However, as much of a perfectionist as I am, I am still looking for that one thing that I can be happy with, be proud of and flaunt. And it ain't NEVER going to be my butt or thighs...sorry Trina!
“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3 - can't give up my cereal. Too quick and easy in the morning and I LOVE cereal. Will try to find a better kind of cereal though.
1 large banana(s) 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Tim Horton's Chicken Ranch Wrap 5 - it was a whole wheat tortilla. My parents bought it for me and I couldn't say no. They had it ready and waiting for me when I picked up James after bootcamp.
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5
Evening
4 oz cooked pork loin, lean and fat 7 - will break out the food scale again for exact portion sizes.
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1/2 zucchini 0
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Sub dried tomato dressing 1 - am out of olive oil, could not make my own. Measured out actual serving size as per packaging.
Subtotal 13
Anytime
10 item(s) baby carrots 0
1 large banana(s) 0
Homemade Date Loaf - 3 - I love to bake...and I needed the date loaf to help out until I am able to get to grocery store and purchase chia and flax seeds. Don't ask. ;)
Subtotal 3
Food PointsPlus values total used 24
Food PointsPlus values remaining 6
Exercise
Bootcamp - 4
Activity PointsPlus values earned 4
Negative thoughts. Always negative thoughts first. Today was weigh in day for both Weight Watchers and for the Biggest Loser Challenge. I got to watch my weight rise and feel like a big loser! Wooo! This week I thought I did pretty well. I made some food choices I normally wouldn't make. Tried to think outside the box and make the best of what I had on hand in the house already to make due until grocery day (and payday) Friday. I made sure that every day I had scheduled a little red "R" on my calendar, I got my ass out the door. Sure I had some slip ups along the way, but as far as Weight Watchers was concerned, I wrote down everything I ate. Everything.
So what happened? How did I manage to gain 0.6 pounds this week? I don't know. It is a mystery. “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr, Seuss. In other words. Shit happens, learn from it and move on. Sure, I"m taking it out of context, but for my purposes, it fits. Maybe it should read more like: "Don't cry, because it is over. Smile because it happened". Yeah, I gained. I was really hoping to do well my first week of this challenge. But to quote another create "creator" "You can't always get what you want"...but I may just get what I need...in this case, the kick in the ass and the extra motivation I need to make me even more determined, more stubborn and more on target than last week. Ha. That is me. Taking a negative and turning it into a positive.
Trina was great though. I think she really knew how hard the gain hit me even though I (think) I maintained a brave exterior and didn't show how badly it effected me. She gave me the pep talk I needed to hear. Sometimes I get caught up trying to be the best I can be and if I don't see the results, I pretty much give up. I am hard on myself. Extremely hard on myself. I hate to fail and I hate not seeing results and giving anything less than my best. Because of which, I think I often underestimate myself. Must stop that. I will do better. I will get through this. And, more importantly I think, once I get there, I WILL be happy with myself and what I have achieved. I will quit trying to reach for perfection, because that is the one sure way to ensure a failure.
However, as much of a perfectionist as I am, I am still looking for that one thing that I can be happy with, be proud of and flaunt. And it ain't NEVER going to be my butt or thighs...sorry Trina!
“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”
K
PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3 - can't give up my cereal. Too quick and easy in the morning and I LOVE cereal. Will try to find a better kind of cereal though.
1 large banana(s) 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Tim Horton's Chicken Ranch Wrap 5 - it was a whole wheat tortilla. My parents bought it for me and I couldn't say no. They had it ready and waiting for me when I picked up James after bootcamp.
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5
Evening
4 oz cooked pork loin, lean and fat 7 - will break out the food scale again for exact portion sizes.
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1/2 zucchini 0
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Sub dried tomato dressing 1 - am out of olive oil, could not make my own. Measured out actual serving size as per packaging.
Subtotal 13
Anytime
10 item(s) baby carrots 0
1 large banana(s) 0
Homemade Date Loaf - 3 - I love to bake...and I needed the date loaf to help out until I am able to get to grocery store and purchase chia and flax seeds. Don't ask. ;)
Subtotal 3
Food PointsPlus values total used 24
Food PointsPlus values remaining 6
Exercise
Bootcamp - 4
Activity PointsPlus values earned 4
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Reflections
We're back to being motivated and I'm pretty proud of myself today and yesterday. Especially today. Last night I attended a seminar for nutrition and learned a few things. I have entered a "Biggest Loser" challenge through the trainer I have been taking my boot camp with. I figured I could use all the motivation I can get. Since I'm a competitive person, I need others to know what I am accomplishing and doing.
I'm glad I went. I think it was the kick in the ass I needed. Today I made the best decisions food wise that I could given what we had in the house and got active. For lunch I actually had two hard boiled eggs, roman lettuce, homemade balsamic vinaigrette and strawberries. I didn't think I would be full, but it actually filled me up and kept me satisfied until dinner.
The problem with eating clean and healthy, to me, is that it seems like a lot of work. It is so easy, especially when Brad is on nights, to open up a box of some premade food to feed the kids rather than cook a chicken breast. And not eating sugar or white flour seems next to impossible. So in that respect, when and where I can avoid these types of foods, I will. Otherwise I will watch my portions and give it my all. Combine that with Weight Watchers, I should be golden. Maybe not winning golden, but maybe a nice bright amber.
I have been feeling good this week, which helps. Piper has been cranky as all hell. A tooth broke through tonight so that explains her surliness for the past 4 days. Today I had a fitness high. I made it out for a training run. I love being able to run through the park, there is a beautiful view of the city, it is quiet and everyone you pass smiles and says hello. After my 30 minute training session, I continued on for a walk along the trail. At the end I was able to pause again on the park bench, with a beautiful view of the city and bay, and just meditate. Clear my mind of all thoughts. I didn't care if anyone walked by and saw me sitting there, lotus position, eyes closed, just breathing. Figured, if they did see me, they'd just be jealous anyway. I love being off on maternity leave. There will never be another time in my life that I am able to actually raise my own kids. To watch them grow and enjoy their childhood. It makes me sad thinking that my time with them is half over and this will eventually have to come to an end. I do not want it to end. I am trying to enjoy my time to the fullest. I am sad that I wasted my first 5 months being sad and depressed. I am grateful that I was able to ask my doctor for help and get the help I needed when I did. I couldn't have taken wasting another minute of my time.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Morning
1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) Maple Oatmeal Squares 5
Subtotal 8
Midday
1 cup(s) romaine lettuce 0
3 medium strawberries 0
2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar 1
2 medium whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 Tbsp olive oil 4
Subtotal 9
Evening
1 serving(s) Fettuccine Alfredo Sidekick 3
2 slice(s) cooked lean ham 4
1 cup(s) cooked corn kernels 4
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14
Anytime
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Food PointsPlus values remaining 0
Exercise
Run - Activity I created 5
Activity PointsPlus values earned 5
K
I'm glad I went. I think it was the kick in the ass I needed. Today I made the best decisions food wise that I could given what we had in the house and got active. For lunch I actually had two hard boiled eggs, roman lettuce, homemade balsamic vinaigrette and strawberries. I didn't think I would be full, but it actually filled me up and kept me satisfied until dinner.
The problem with eating clean and healthy, to me, is that it seems like a lot of work. It is so easy, especially when Brad is on nights, to open up a box of some premade food to feed the kids rather than cook a chicken breast. And not eating sugar or white flour seems next to impossible. So in that respect, when and where I can avoid these types of foods, I will. Otherwise I will watch my portions and give it my all. Combine that with Weight Watchers, I should be golden. Maybe not winning golden, but maybe a nice bright amber.
I have been feeling good this week, which helps. Piper has been cranky as all hell. A tooth broke through tonight so that explains her surliness for the past 4 days. Today I had a fitness high. I made it out for a training run. I love being able to run through the park, there is a beautiful view of the city, it is quiet and everyone you pass smiles and says hello. After my 30 minute training session, I continued on for a walk along the trail. At the end I was able to pause again on the park bench, with a beautiful view of the city and bay, and just meditate. Clear my mind of all thoughts. I didn't care if anyone walked by and saw me sitting there, lotus position, eyes closed, just breathing. Figured, if they did see me, they'd just be jealous anyway. I love being off on maternity leave. There will never be another time in my life that I am able to actually raise my own kids. To watch them grow and enjoy their childhood. It makes me sad thinking that my time with them is half over and this will eventually have to come to an end. I do not want it to end. I am trying to enjoy my time to the fullest. I am sad that I wasted my first 5 months being sad and depressed. I am grateful that I was able to ask my doctor for help and get the help I needed when I did. I couldn't have taken wasting another minute of my time.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Morning
1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) Maple Oatmeal Squares 5
Subtotal 8
Midday
1 cup(s) romaine lettuce 0
3 medium strawberries 0
2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar 1
2 medium whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 Tbsp olive oil 4
Subtotal 9
Evening
1 serving(s) Fettuccine Alfredo Sidekick 3
2 slice(s) cooked lean ham 4
1 cup(s) cooked corn kernels 4
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14
Anytime
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Food PointsPlus values remaining 0
Exercise
Run - Activity I created 5
Activity PointsPlus values earned 5
K
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Everything Zen (inside chaos)
I want to lose weight more than anything...I think. Really I do. So why do I keep screwing it up? I become frustrated with the slowness of the process and one day of a whoopsie becomes five very quickly. Is it that I am feeling sorry for myself? Possibly. Even though my weight isn't changing, my "dimensions" certainly are. I took a peek a few days ago. I will technically record the inches on November 18th. But I am so far amazed with the results. Not to give anything away, but I believe it has been more than 2" in a month!
Brad is still at the sabotage game. He went to a football game with the guys on Sunday. And of course, he had to pick up some snacks for the trip over to Buffalo. Before he left for his shopping trip the Friday before, he asked if I wanted anything from he Bulk Barn. Of course thoughts of Skor bars and chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter filled pretzels and chocolate covered espresso beans filled my thoughts, I said no thank you. Even though I said no thank you, he came home with chocolate covered cappuccino bits. After he was back from the game they had stopped at Taco Bell, he didn't eat his apple empanada, gave it to me to eat. Discovered someone had put a bag of chips into his bag and gave that to me (thanks Andy...jerk!). Of COURSE I know I didn't HAVE to eat them. I know that. Worse yet, I didn't really want to. But I did. Out of habit? Thoughts that go through my head when doing it? Not much actually. I think, "well, one won't hurt" "I'll have this now, since I don't know when the next time I"ll get to have chips will be" "Fuck it". Honestly, that last one is the worst. A simple "Fuck it" and I'm scoffing down Halloween candy like there is no tomorrow. For this simple reason, I try not to allow these kinds of things into our home. Yet somehow, junk always finds its way in through my door. Right now, right above me on the computer desk is another one of Brad's gems. A bag full of wine gums. However, I don't like wine gums, and I am able to keep them out of my mouth and away from my thoughts. Too bad potato chips taste like angels dancing on my tongue in an orgy of salty goodness.
I managed to get out for a "run" yesterday. Since I haven't been able to make it out in a couple of weeks, I am starting over at day one. I'm not sure how effective it is since it was a very slow jog. Extremely slow. I think power walkers could have passed me. My knees hurt. Amazing how quickly your body falls out of it and how long and hard it takes just to get it back. I think what I need to do is schedule my runs on the kitchen calendar. Work it out with Brad's schedule and if it is written down, go on the day when scheduled. When I was out actually doing it yesterday, it was nice to be alone with my thoughts. It was a beautiful fall day, I wasn't at work, I was able to spend time with my beautiful children. Hell, after my run was over I sat on a park bench in the lotus position meditating, allowing thoughts of absolutely nothing fill my head. Just the sounds of the wind in the trees and birds chirping. Life should be that calm and zen all the time. Which reminds me...anyone know of any good, yet inexpensive, yoga classes in the area? God, I miss yoga.
Tomorrow I begin a "Biggest Loser" challenge run through the fitness class and instructor I have been going to. I figure I need all the motivation I can muster. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need. I am an extremely competitive person and hate to lose anything. I do not expect to win, or even finish in the top 10. I do however plan on giving it my best.
K
Brad is still at the sabotage game. He went to a football game with the guys on Sunday. And of course, he had to pick up some snacks for the trip over to Buffalo. Before he left for his shopping trip the Friday before, he asked if I wanted anything from he Bulk Barn. Of course thoughts of Skor bars and chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter filled pretzels and chocolate covered espresso beans filled my thoughts, I said no thank you. Even though I said no thank you, he came home with chocolate covered cappuccino bits. After he was back from the game they had stopped at Taco Bell, he didn't eat his apple empanada, gave it to me to eat. Discovered someone had put a bag of chips into his bag and gave that to me (thanks Andy...jerk!). Of COURSE I know I didn't HAVE to eat them. I know that. Worse yet, I didn't really want to. But I did. Out of habit? Thoughts that go through my head when doing it? Not much actually. I think, "well, one won't hurt" "I'll have this now, since I don't know when the next time I"ll get to have chips will be" "Fuck it". Honestly, that last one is the worst. A simple "Fuck it" and I'm scoffing down Halloween candy like there is no tomorrow. For this simple reason, I try not to allow these kinds of things into our home. Yet somehow, junk always finds its way in through my door. Right now, right above me on the computer desk is another one of Brad's gems. A bag full of wine gums. However, I don't like wine gums, and I am able to keep them out of my mouth and away from my thoughts. Too bad potato chips taste like angels dancing on my tongue in an orgy of salty goodness.
I managed to get out for a "run" yesterday. Since I haven't been able to make it out in a couple of weeks, I am starting over at day one. I'm not sure how effective it is since it was a very slow jog. Extremely slow. I think power walkers could have passed me. My knees hurt. Amazing how quickly your body falls out of it and how long and hard it takes just to get it back. I think what I need to do is schedule my runs on the kitchen calendar. Work it out with Brad's schedule and if it is written down, go on the day when scheduled. When I was out actually doing it yesterday, it was nice to be alone with my thoughts. It was a beautiful fall day, I wasn't at work, I was able to spend time with my beautiful children. Hell, after my run was over I sat on a park bench in the lotus position meditating, allowing thoughts of absolutely nothing fill my head. Just the sounds of the wind in the trees and birds chirping. Life should be that calm and zen all the time. Which reminds me...anyone know of any good, yet inexpensive, yoga classes in the area? God, I miss yoga.
Tomorrow I begin a "Biggest Loser" challenge run through the fitness class and instructor I have been going to. I figure I need all the motivation I can muster. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need. I am an extremely competitive person and hate to lose anything. I do not expect to win, or even finish in the top 10. I do however plan on giving it my best.
K
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Result Blog - And other stuff
I have been remiss in blogging. Weigh in day was on Wednesday. Much to my disappointment and frustration I gained 0.2 pounds. This means for the ENTIRE month of October I only lost 2.6 pounds. I know I haven't been following the program as good as I should. I go days without journalling my food. I don't know what it is going to take to get me to be totally committed to this. I want this more than anything. Because of that, I get easily frustrated and eat because I'm frustrated.
I've moved my kitchen around to make it harder to get into our fridge. You actually have to move a chair and table to be able to gain access to it, just too much work for a snack. Of course, it is healthier to snack from the fridge than the pantry. Maybe a lock on the pantry would be more effective.
Still have yet to get out to do another round of the Couch to 5K. It isn't like I've just been sitting on my butt doing nothing though. I have been cleaning the house. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, cupboards, appliances, walls and floors with warm water and a bucket of soap. House smells better at least. Next to tackle, upstairs.
And on that note, I better log what I ate today. The only one who can make this effort is me.
K
I've moved my kitchen around to make it harder to get into our fridge. You actually have to move a chair and table to be able to gain access to it, just too much work for a snack. Of course, it is healthier to snack from the fridge than the pantry. Maybe a lock on the pantry would be more effective.
Still have yet to get out to do another round of the Couch to 5K. It isn't like I've just been sitting on my butt doing nothing though. I have been cleaning the house. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, cupboards, appliances, walls and floors with warm water and a bucket of soap. House smells better at least. Next to tackle, upstairs.
And on that note, I better log what I ate today. The only one who can make this effort is me.
K
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Bloated Fat Carcus - The Halloween Post
I hadn't intended on dressing up for Halloween, but since I am feeling and looking like a body from CSI that was just pulled out of a gully somewhere, I might as well take advantage right? Yeah. That's it. Perfectly terrifying. Little children can poke me with a stick to see if they can make me expel gas. DNA experts will have to determine if I am human or swine.
So, okay. I may be overly dramatic, it is just the way I have been feeling all week. I'll admit it. I haven't exactly followed program this week. The start of the week I journaled breakfast and lunch. Today I didn't even log on to the program. I have snacked non stop through out the day, and made the wrong food choices entirely. The good part? I have not been into the Halloween candy as of yet. However, that isn't saying much since Brad hid it on me as soon as it was brought home. I have a sneaking suspension it is in the hidden compartment in the trunk of my car, I'm just too fucking lazy to go and look.
Then there is Brad. He hasn't exactly been helpful this week. For his birthday he wanted ribs and chicken wings for dinner...along with potato wedges. Kim's kryptonite. No, no one held me at gun point, held my nose and waited for me to take a breath before shoving a wing down my throat. I enjoyed the deliciousness all on my own. When it comes to food pushing, my husband is second to none. It is so bad that he is not allowed to enter a grocery store on his own. Budget in place or not, I sent him out to buy milk and the man will come back with cinnamon rolls...because they were looking lonely. All alone on the reduced to sell rack. I can't blame him entirely. He is very close to 330 pounds. He was never taught or encouraged to eat a healthy balanced diet. Over indulgence was and is, his way of life and a few extra pounds was not seen as a problem. Unfortunately a few extra became a couple hundred. He was like that when I married him. I knew what I was getting into. Stupid me, thought I could change and help him. When he joined Weight Watchers with me once, he managed to lose 50 pounds and quickly. He even got to 280. I distinctly remember the conversation we had at our apartment in Toronto. I told him I had been getting ready to leave him for good as I was no longer attracted to him. I was so proud of him working so hard to lose the weight. When he did good, I did good. We were happy. He promised me that he would never ever get to be over 300 pounds again. Looking back on our relationship...there haven't been too many...if any...promises he's made to me that he's kept. Yet, I love the man. I must be fucking insane.
Today I was unable to get out and go for a run. I have been itching to get out and break the cycle. It seems if I"m able to get out alone for even half an hour and exercise, it will motivate me to do better and stay on track. Brad is on nights this weekend. Today he woke up and started moving a 2:45...he leaves for work at 3:45. Did not exactly leave me any time to do anything I wanted to get down, even something as simple as shower. So that means, I've had no help with the kids at all this weekend, I am going stir crazy and feeling really down on myself. All I am is a Mommy. Why should I care what I look like? After all, who am I trying to impress especially since I never leave the house. Hmmm...maybe that's it. Maybe he's doing this if even subconsciously, so I don't lose weight, go out have fun, find someone new...blah blah blah. I would suspect that is the case and why all the sabotage, if I wasn't smoking hot before I had kids and he's used to a super hot wife. LOL!
I'm just in a "poor me", self deprecating mood. Pardon my pity party. It just seems like such a long hard struggle. I'm impatient. I want me back now. I honestly don't feel like me right now. I do feel like just a Mother (which isn't an entirely bad thing) but I do miss Kim. I miss me. I miss my clothes. I hate this gut. I hate the way my gut hangs. I hate myself for allowing myself to get this way again...after doing so well my entire pregnancy, and then Piper was late, and I was so uncomfortable, I couldn't chase after James, I could only sit and wait...and eat.........and actually right now...I'd kill for a bag of ketchup chips and a beer.
K
So, okay. I may be overly dramatic, it is just the way I have been feeling all week. I'll admit it. I haven't exactly followed program this week. The start of the week I journaled breakfast and lunch. Today I didn't even log on to the program. I have snacked non stop through out the day, and made the wrong food choices entirely. The good part? I have not been into the Halloween candy as of yet. However, that isn't saying much since Brad hid it on me as soon as it was brought home. I have a sneaking suspension it is in the hidden compartment in the trunk of my car, I'm just too fucking lazy to go and look.
Then there is Brad. He hasn't exactly been helpful this week. For his birthday he wanted ribs and chicken wings for dinner...along with potato wedges. Kim's kryptonite. No, no one held me at gun point, held my nose and waited for me to take a breath before shoving a wing down my throat. I enjoyed the deliciousness all on my own. When it comes to food pushing, my husband is second to none. It is so bad that he is not allowed to enter a grocery store on his own. Budget in place or not, I sent him out to buy milk and the man will come back with cinnamon rolls...because they were looking lonely. All alone on the reduced to sell rack. I can't blame him entirely. He is very close to 330 pounds. He was never taught or encouraged to eat a healthy balanced diet. Over indulgence was and is, his way of life and a few extra pounds was not seen as a problem. Unfortunately a few extra became a couple hundred. He was like that when I married him. I knew what I was getting into. Stupid me, thought I could change and help him. When he joined Weight Watchers with me once, he managed to lose 50 pounds and quickly. He even got to 280. I distinctly remember the conversation we had at our apartment in Toronto. I told him I had been getting ready to leave him for good as I was no longer attracted to him. I was so proud of him working so hard to lose the weight. When he did good, I did good. We were happy. He promised me that he would never ever get to be over 300 pounds again. Looking back on our relationship...there haven't been too many...if any...promises he's made to me that he's kept. Yet, I love the man. I must be fucking insane.
Today I was unable to get out and go for a run. I have been itching to get out and break the cycle. It seems if I"m able to get out alone for even half an hour and exercise, it will motivate me to do better and stay on track. Brad is on nights this weekend. Today he woke up and started moving a 2:45...he leaves for work at 3:45. Did not exactly leave me any time to do anything I wanted to get down, even something as simple as shower. So that means, I've had no help with the kids at all this weekend, I am going stir crazy and feeling really down on myself. All I am is a Mommy. Why should I care what I look like? After all, who am I trying to impress especially since I never leave the house. Hmmm...maybe that's it. Maybe he's doing this if even subconsciously, so I don't lose weight, go out have fun, find someone new...blah blah blah. I would suspect that is the case and why all the sabotage, if I wasn't smoking hot before I had kids and he's used to a super hot wife. LOL!
I'm just in a "poor me", self deprecating mood. Pardon my pity party. It just seems like such a long hard struggle. I'm impatient. I want me back now. I honestly don't feel like me right now. I do feel like just a Mother (which isn't an entirely bad thing) but I do miss Kim. I miss me. I miss my clothes. I hate this gut. I hate the way my gut hangs. I hate myself for allowing myself to get this way again...after doing so well my entire pregnancy, and then Piper was late, and I was so uncomfortable, I couldn't chase after James, I could only sit and wait...and eat.........and actually right now...I'd kill for a bag of ketchup chips and a beer.
K
Friday, October 28, 2011
Well that didn't last long - I FOUND IT!
It was here last week. Has anyone seen it? If so, please return my motivation back to me, please. Why can I not stay on track for more than a week at a time? I have not gone out for a run at all since last week. Didn't yesterday because I was tired and still really sore from class. Today, I just wasn't feeling it. I can come up with every excuse in the book. I dread thinking what will happen come Monday. Halloween. Candy. It will be the ultimate challenge and test to my actual commitment to losing this weight.
I often wonder if I am still committed or if I've become placated to my new "Mom" body. Look, I"m under no false pretensions thinking my body will go back exactly the way it was before. I have already mourned and thrown a wake for my former breasts. They were fabulous previously. Now? Now they closely resemble deflated milk bags. Odd, especially since I didn't breast feed either of my children. These stretch marks are my war wounds which I will wear proudly for the rest of my life. My nipples oh my nipples...um...let us say not the small little cute pink nipples I once had (you are most welcome for that mental image!). And my belly button. Oh! For alas, my belly button. No more ring in it for you. Time to grow up. I may be growing up and getting older and more mature, but I will fight it tooth and nail the entire way to the grave. Which, would explain why at 32 years of age I finally said fuck it and got the tattoo of my necklace that I always wanted.
Maybe it is the change of the weather. Maybe I'm getting my period. Maybe I'm a little sad because my sweet little baby boy turned 3 last week. Who knows the cause. Who knows the reason. I'll get back on the wagon and start this vicious cycle all over again.
Until then, someone pass the chicken wings!
K
I often wonder if I am still committed or if I've become placated to my new "Mom" body. Look, I"m under no false pretensions thinking my body will go back exactly the way it was before. I have already mourned and thrown a wake for my former breasts. They were fabulous previously. Now? Now they closely resemble deflated milk bags. Odd, especially since I didn't breast feed either of my children. These stretch marks are my war wounds which I will wear proudly for the rest of my life. My nipples oh my nipples...um...let us say not the small little cute pink nipples I once had (you are most welcome for that mental image!). And my belly button. Oh! For alas, my belly button. No more ring in it for you. Time to grow up. I may be growing up and getting older and more mature, but I will fight it tooth and nail the entire way to the grave. Which, would explain why at 32 years of age I finally said fuck it and got the tattoo of my necklace that I always wanted.
Maybe it is the change of the weather. Maybe I'm getting my period. Maybe I'm a little sad because my sweet little baby boy turned 3 last week. Who knows the cause. Who knows the reason. I'll get back on the wagon and start this vicious cycle all over again.
Until then, someone pass the chicken wings!
K
BAH! SHIT!
I just lost a blog that I was working on!
It was pretty deep. I rambled some about how I've lost my motivation this past week, starting the cycle again. Pondered if I've accepted my new "Mom" body...blah blah blah...pass the bag of chips...blah blah blah. But I am tired and can't be bothered to rewrite it again.
So...good night. DAMMIT!
It was pretty deep. I rambled some about how I've lost my motivation this past week, starting the cycle again. Pondered if I've accepted my new "Mom" body...blah blah blah...pass the bag of chips...blah blah blah. But I am tired and can't be bothered to rewrite it again.
So...good night. DAMMIT!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
OUCHIE!
Bootcamp killed my glutes yesterday! Stupid bridges. Little sore today. Didn't go for a run today. Was busy making Halloween cookies for James to decorate and made my killer vegetable lasagna. Cottage cheese, spinach, zucchini, green and red peppers and mushrooms. Healthy, tastes good, a bitch to make, and James wouldn't even try it. Arugh! I keep trying new recipes try to incorporate vegetables and he is such a picky eater, I don't know why I even bother cooking. Oh well. Brad and I enjoyed it. I made two. One to eat now and one to freeze. Handy for when he's on nights.
Today's confession is an interesting one. I caved. I was so busy in the kitchen and when I'm cooking and banking there used to be nothing that I loved more than I frosty Diet Coke. So without thinking, I opened one. I had two sips and couldn't finish it. I just didn't like the taste. Gave it to Brad to finish. Honestly, it did not taste good. Huh. I amazed myself even.
Nothing else going on. Off to get my jammies on! Night all.
K
Today's confession is an interesting one. I caved. I was so busy in the kitchen and when I'm cooking and banking there used to be nothing that I loved more than I frosty Diet Coke. So without thinking, I opened one. I had two sips and couldn't finish it. I just didn't like the taste. Gave it to Brad to finish. Honestly, it did not taste good. Huh. I amazed myself even.
Nothing else going on. Off to get my jammies on! Night all.
K
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Results Blog
Drum roll please! I stayed exactly the same. Exactly. To the ounce. 194.8. Again. As determined as I am, I really don't think I can reach 20 pounds by December 21. As of right now, I am only 2.8 into that goal. I know that kind of thinking isn't going to help me out in the least. There is a lot to be said about the power of positive thinking. I know if I follow the Weight Watchers program to a "T" it is possible. However at the best of times I struggle being good. This week, while I did step up the activity level a LOT, there were some incidents that could have been avoided. Like the fry wagon (that I didn't blog about) on Saturday, the pumpkin pie cheese cake, 5 point cookie, banana bread. I aim to do better. I would like to lose at least a pound next week. Determination and stubborness will be my guide.
Tomorrow James and I will be decorating Halloween cookies. I love to bake. I love to try new recipes especially when it comes to baking...it is dangerous to have it around the house though. I know I can have anything in moderation, it is the moderation I'm still working on. As my daily points allowance gets less as I lose weight, there will be less room for these types of indulences so I might as well try and cut them out now. Thankfully the program has changed so that most fruits and vegetables are 0 points, so when hungry it really helps to have an apple or banana or carrots or brocolli. Smart thinking Weight Watchers! No one ever got fat eating salad!
Nothing new on the Mommy front. James is almost completly potty trained. He can go all through the night without any accidents. We're accident free for almost 2 weeks...peepee wise anyway. Poop is a whole 'nother story completely. Ugh. So far, the worst thing I've had to do (other than spork James' diaper for a poop sample) has been to clean out poopy underwear. I actually just threw out a pair entirely rather than have to figure how to get it out of a pair. It'll take some time. We'll be trying the sticker chart / reward system. People on facebook all seem to be in agreement this is the way to go. So we'll give it a try. At this point, I'll try anything!
K
Tomorrow James and I will be decorating Halloween cookies. I love to bake. I love to try new recipes especially when it comes to baking...it is dangerous to have it around the house though. I know I can have anything in moderation, it is the moderation I'm still working on. As my daily points allowance gets less as I lose weight, there will be less room for these types of indulences so I might as well try and cut them out now. Thankfully the program has changed so that most fruits and vegetables are 0 points, so when hungry it really helps to have an apple or banana or carrots or brocolli. Smart thinking Weight Watchers! No one ever got fat eating salad!
Nothing new on the Mommy front. James is almost completly potty trained. He can go all through the night without any accidents. We're accident free for almost 2 weeks...peepee wise anyway. Poop is a whole 'nother story completely. Ugh. So far, the worst thing I've had to do (other than spork James' diaper for a poop sample) has been to clean out poopy underwear. I actually just threw out a pair entirely rather than have to figure how to get it out of a pair. It'll take some time. We'll be trying the sticker chart / reward system. People on facebook all seem to be in agreement this is the way to go. So we'll give it a try. At this point, I'll try anything!
K
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Best Intentions...
I have a plan. Usually I am horrible at making them. I hate trying to think that much in advance. That usually means, when I don't have a dinner plan, we end up eating easy to prepare packaged food. Something I want to try to get away from. While I'm currently on maternity leave, it is easier for me to prepare an actual meal. Yesterday we got groceries and we purchased a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I had an idea of things I wanted to make this week:
Tonight we had the Eggplant Parmesan. Unfortunately we didn't have whole wheat pasta. So we made due with regular. James didn't eat the actual eggplant part...just the noodles. I managed to get in my servings of vegetables/fruit and milk today...and have had plenty of water. Still no Diet Coke. Almost a week has gone by without.
I'd also like to thank those of you who have taken the time to comment or send me a private message of encouragement. It means a lot to me knowing that people have taken an interest in my story. Weight has always been an issue in my life, a constant struggle and it is nice to know I am not alone and I have my cheer team standing behind me. And if I can help just one other person relate to what I am going through so they know they are not alone, I have done a good job.
K
Monday, October 24, 2011Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Meal Time Whole Wheat Bread 4
Deli Meat - Quick-added food 2
1 serving(s) strawberry banana juice 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) poppy seed dressing 1
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Subtotal 13
Evening
1 cup(s) cooked spaghetti 5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1/2 piece(s) pumpkin pie, prepared from recipe 4
1 Eggplant Parmigiana 3
Subtotal 15
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Foo PointsPlus values remaining 0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned 0
- Eggplant Parmesan
- Stuffed Green Peppers
- Homemade Spinach Lasagna
- Chili
Tonight we had the Eggplant Parmesan. Unfortunately we didn't have whole wheat pasta. So we made due with regular. James didn't eat the actual eggplant part...just the noodles. I managed to get in my servings of vegetables/fruit and milk today...and have had plenty of water. Still no Diet Coke. Almost a week has gone by without.
I'd also like to thank those of you who have taken the time to comment or send me a private message of encouragement. It means a lot to me knowing that people have taken an interest in my story. Weight has always been an issue in my life, a constant struggle and it is nice to know I am not alone and I have my cheer team standing behind me. And if I can help just one other person relate to what I am going through so they know they are not alone, I have done a good job.
K
Monday, October 24, 2011Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Meal Time Whole Wheat Bread 4
Deli Meat - Quick-added food 2
1 serving(s) strawberry banana juice 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) poppy seed dressing 1
1 cup(s) spinach 0
Subtotal 13
Evening
1 cup(s) cooked spaghetti 5
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1/2 piece(s) pumpkin pie, prepared from recipe 4
1 Eggplant Parmigiana 3
Subtotal 15
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Foo PointsPlus values remaining 0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
Activity PointsPlus values earned 0
Sunday, October 23, 2011
....just don't bend over...
My closet is a virtual mall just for pants. I have sizes currently in there ranging from 14 down to 8. At one point I even had a pair of 18s and 16s from before I lost the weight from James. Sometimes it feels like I will never be able to wear some of my dress pants that are 8s, so when I am able to fit into a smaller size than I had been wearing, it feels like a small victory. Today, I was able to fit into a straight leg 12 (a "sweetheart" style jean from Old Navy). These were jeans that only 2 weeks ago, I was unable to get up past my thighs and over my butt. I attribute it to the Boot Camp classes I have been attending. I may have just attended only my third class, but it is working already! It isn't just the class alone either. It is the motivation that comes along with it. Money is really tight right now. So shelling out $155 for a fitness class was a big commitment. For that kind of money I'm not going to miss a class or not try my hardest while I am there sweating away (except when it comes to push ups. I cannot do a push up if my life depended on it). Taking this class also proved to me that I don't have to wait until I'm back down to a size 8 to start running again. I surprised myself on the very first class when I was bursting with energy and was able to run around the gym...pushing a stroller with a 15 pound baby and a 40 pound 3 year old no less. The very next day, I got my butt of the couch and went out for a jog and it felt AMAZING. So good that I ended that run with a flight of stairs down and up the escarpment. I even got the motivation to give up my diet coke. I am aspartame free for 6 days now and while I almost caved a little today, have not given in to the temptation. I am so glad I joined and look forward to seeing what else I can achieve that I never thought I would or could!
This weekend was a bust for any activity. Brad was off so it was a weekend to spend some quality family time. Got caught up on a lot of household chores. Still am doing laundry. Had planned on going for a run today but ran out of time after cleaning the main floor of the house. I don't feel comfortable going after dark. Brad is on days Monday and Tuesday, so looks like I won't be going until Wednesday. Ugh.
Night all!
K
This weekend was a bust for any activity. Brad was off so it was a weekend to spend some quality family time. Got caught up on a lot of household chores. Still am doing laundry. Had planned on going for a run today but ran out of time after cleaning the main floor of the house. I don't feel comfortable going after dark. Brad is on days Monday and Tuesday, so looks like I won't be going until Wednesday. Ugh.
Night all!
K
Friday, October 21, 2011
It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution - Oscar Wilde
The topic of today's discussion boys and girls is "guilt". There isn't a day in my life that I don't regret something I said or did. Hell...I am still embarrassed for actions from when I was 5!
What makes a good Mommy? What makes a good person? What makes a good wife? Sometimes what makes a person "good" in one category, makes them a poopy person in another. Motherhood the first time around came with guilt. The second time around? Forget it! If I were catholic, I'd probably never leave the confessional. Thank the powers that be, the only power I bow down to is myself. Because a) I am always right b) I am never wrong and c) I am all knowing and all powerful and let us not forget d) modest.
I feel guilt when I clean my house, leaving James to play quietly by himself in the basement or playing on the computer. I feel guilt when I am making dinner or doing the dishes after dinner, leaving James in the living room watching tv (I hear the collective gasps from the super moms out there...allowing a 3 year old to watch tv! The shame!) I feel guilt when I don't clean my house and instead opt to play with James building a ramp and raceway for his cars. The house isn't as clean as it once was. I try to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. Vacuum every other day or so. Screw washing the dust or the food off the walls in the kitchen. Or removing the layer of dust...no...at this point, the layer of fuzz off the ceiling fans. Honestly, who looks up anyway? I feel guilt when making a dinner of fish sticks and french fries or chicken nuggets when Brad is on nights. I feel guilt when Piper sleeps too much. I feel guilt when she when we go out (to my exercise class or the library) and she misses a nap. I could go on and on and on...
And of course, right now the ultimate guilt of trying to find the time to better myself by taking an hour or so to exercise. I know as a Mommy your have to sacrifice certain things. Like your identity. I no longer have an actual name. I shall be referred to from here on out as Mommy...until I get back to work...then it is usually..."that bitch". I missed out on playing softball this season because the games were scheduled too late at night. Brad still got to play. I don't get to listen to my music anymore. I do know all the words to all of the Wiggles songs and the Little People cds. I'm up on all the PBS kids shows and Sesame Street gossip. I'm trying to convince myself that a happy Mommy = happy kids. If I feel better about myself, I'll feel better about my capacity for being a Mother. While I'm no where close to perfect (yes, I admitted it...don't tell anyone) I'm not the worst out there either. I'm a fairly average, run of the mill, normal kind of girl.
Today didn't do any exercise. Planned on doing the MoM challenge, but didn't get around to it. I had a large Pumpkin Spice Skinny latte, a slice of pumpkin cheese cake and a Halloween cookie. Lesson learned. After a week of healthier living and avoiding that sort of thing, I feel yucky...and guilty.
Also, day four of an aspartame existence. It is easier now that Weight Watchers has removed the calorie factor from their point calculations. I no longer an attempting to find the lowest calorie value foods, which often means it is label "diet" and includes aspartame. I don't even miss my diet coke today. Huh.
K
What makes a good Mommy? What makes a good person? What makes a good wife? Sometimes what makes a person "good" in one category, makes them a poopy person in another. Motherhood the first time around came with guilt. The second time around? Forget it! If I were catholic, I'd probably never leave the confessional. Thank the powers that be, the only power I bow down to is myself. Because a) I am always right b) I am never wrong and c) I am all knowing and all powerful and let us not forget d) modest.
I feel guilt when I clean my house, leaving James to play quietly by himself in the basement or playing on the computer. I feel guilt when I am making dinner or doing the dishes after dinner, leaving James in the living room watching tv (I hear the collective gasps from the super moms out there...allowing a 3 year old to watch tv! The shame!) I feel guilt when I don't clean my house and instead opt to play with James building a ramp and raceway for his cars. The house isn't as clean as it once was. I try to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean. Vacuum every other day or so. Screw washing the dust or the food off the walls in the kitchen. Or removing the layer of dust...no...at this point, the layer of fuzz off the ceiling fans. Honestly, who looks up anyway? I feel guilt when making a dinner of fish sticks and french fries or chicken nuggets when Brad is on nights. I feel guilt when Piper sleeps too much. I feel guilt when she when we go out (to my exercise class or the library) and she misses a nap. I could go on and on and on...
And of course, right now the ultimate guilt of trying to find the time to better myself by taking an hour or so to exercise. I know as a Mommy your have to sacrifice certain things. Like your identity. I no longer have an actual name. I shall be referred to from here on out as Mommy...until I get back to work...then it is usually..."that bitch". I missed out on playing softball this season because the games were scheduled too late at night. Brad still got to play. I don't get to listen to my music anymore. I do know all the words to all of the Wiggles songs and the Little People cds. I'm up on all the PBS kids shows and Sesame Street gossip. I'm trying to convince myself that a happy Mommy = happy kids. If I feel better about myself, I'll feel better about my capacity for being a Mother. While I'm no where close to perfect (yes, I admitted it...don't tell anyone) I'm not the worst out there either. I'm a fairly average, run of the mill, normal kind of girl.
Today didn't do any exercise. Planned on doing the MoM challenge, but didn't get around to it. I had a large Pumpkin Spice Skinny latte, a slice of pumpkin cheese cake and a Halloween cookie. Lesson learned. After a week of healthier living and avoiding that sort of thing, I feel yucky...and guilty.
Also, day four of an aspartame existence. It is easier now that Weight Watchers has removed the calorie factor from their point calculations. I no longer an attempting to find the lowest calorie value foods, which often means it is label "diet" and includes aspartame. I don't even miss my diet coke today. Huh.
K
Thursday, October 20, 2011
They Keep on Calling Me...
Shhhh....do you hear that? There it is again. No. It isn't the kids. They are both sound asleep in their beds. Nope. Not Brad either. He's on nights tonight and I'm pretty sure the cats haven't learned to say my name yet.
Just as I suspected. The banana cranberry loaf I baked yesterday has teamed up with the case of Diet Coke and they are singing their siren song to me. Trying to lure me in with promises of sweet nothings. Yes. Keep telling my self that. They are nothing but sweet nothings. I think day three of going Diet Coke (or diet anything for that matter) has made me delirious. They say aspartame is addictive and I'd have to agree. We're starting off easy. Kicking the Diet Cola habit...which will hopefully lead into kicking the caffeine addiction all together. It'll be a sad departing, but one long over due. I really don't like the taste of coffee. Nor do I like the lingering coffee breath. I do love the smell of it. Reminds me of my Grandma...who always had a pot brewing in the morning. Hmmm...somethings are worth it. As for the banana bread I baked? I love to bake...so shoot me. I have not yet succumb to devouring either. Teeth are brushed and bottle of water is in front of me. This will have to do.
This week has been about getting more active. Tuesday went for a training jog session. I can't really call it a run or an actual jog for that matter. The first three days involves a 5 minute walking warm up followed by 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking intervals for 20 minutes, ending with another 5 minutes of walking to cool down. This first day I was so filled with energy and it was such a beautiful fall day that I ended walking for a half hour additional and did 1/2 the Wentworth Stairs!
Yesterday was boot camp day. Aside from the fact that I am extremely shy in those kind of settings and do not know anyone in the class, I have been enjoying the variation to the workout and routine. I am just so afraid of holding someone else back or hurting someone (especially when it comes to the sparring!). I have been feeling awkward when we have to get into partners since I don't know anyone else and everyone has a friend...feels a little like elementary school all over again...especially when I have to pair up with Trina (the Instructor). She's really sweet though...at least when I'm partnered up with her, I am able to get the moves correctly since she's right there to correct me.
Today, regardless of the body aches (shins and legs from Tuesday and oddly arms from Wednesday) and the crappy weather, I got out and did another "run" this afternoon. This time it feels less like exercise and more like time alone by my self without constantly being asked why mommy why? That's good right?
So I have proved to myself even with Brad on nights, I can still find the time to make a date with myself. What happens when I go back to work? Let's us not dwell on unpleasantness shall we? Let us focus on the now and enjoy every single moment I have to spend with James and Piper because this opportunity will never present itself again.
A thought has occurred to me dear reader. I used to get so angry at my Mother and my brother for reading my diary as a teenager. That thing held my most personal thoughts, hopes, wishes and even fantasies. And now here I am. Laying it all out for you and inviting you into my diary. After all what good is a diary if it isn't for anyone to see?
Till tomorrow...a day to let the body rest.
K
Just as I suspected. The banana cranberry loaf I baked yesterday has teamed up with the case of Diet Coke and they are singing their siren song to me. Trying to lure me in with promises of sweet nothings. Yes. Keep telling my self that. They are nothing but sweet nothings. I think day three of going Diet Coke (or diet anything for that matter) has made me delirious. They say aspartame is addictive and I'd have to agree. We're starting off easy. Kicking the Diet Cola habit...which will hopefully lead into kicking the caffeine addiction all together. It'll be a sad departing, but one long over due. I really don't like the taste of coffee. Nor do I like the lingering coffee breath. I do love the smell of it. Reminds me of my Grandma...who always had a pot brewing in the morning. Hmmm...somethings are worth it. As for the banana bread I baked? I love to bake...so shoot me. I have not yet succumb to devouring either. Teeth are brushed and bottle of water is in front of me. This will have to do.
This week has been about getting more active. Tuesday went for a training jog session. I can't really call it a run or an actual jog for that matter. The first three days involves a 5 minute walking warm up followed by 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking intervals for 20 minutes, ending with another 5 minutes of walking to cool down. This first day I was so filled with energy and it was such a beautiful fall day that I ended walking for a half hour additional and did 1/2 the Wentworth Stairs!
Yesterday was boot camp day. Aside from the fact that I am extremely shy in those kind of settings and do not know anyone in the class, I have been enjoying the variation to the workout and routine. I am just so afraid of holding someone else back or hurting someone (especially when it comes to the sparring!). I have been feeling awkward when we have to get into partners since I don't know anyone else and everyone has a friend...feels a little like elementary school all over again...especially when I have to pair up with Trina (the Instructor). She's really sweet though...at least when I'm partnered up with her, I am able to get the moves correctly since she's right there to correct me.
Today, regardless of the body aches (shins and legs from Tuesday and oddly arms from Wednesday) and the crappy weather, I got out and did another "run" this afternoon. This time it feels less like exercise and more like time alone by my self without constantly being asked why mommy why? That's good right?
So I have proved to myself even with Brad on nights, I can still find the time to make a date with myself. What happens when I go back to work? Let's us not dwell on unpleasantness shall we? Let us focus on the now and enjoy every single moment I have to spend with James and Piper because this opportunity will never present itself again.
A thought has occurred to me dear reader. I used to get so angry at my Mother and my brother for reading my diary as a teenager. That thing held my most personal thoughts, hopes, wishes and even fantasies. And now here I am. Laying it all out for you and inviting you into my diary. After all what good is a diary if it isn't for anyone to see?
Till tomorrow...a day to let the body rest.
K
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
3rd Time Charmed?
Where to begin? How about at the end? I vow to lose 20 pounds by December 21st, 2011. I started this personal challenge 2 weeks ago and have lost 2.8 pounds so far.
Why am I starting all over again? I gained some weight. Er...72 pounds more to be exact...but, who is counting right?
In all fairness, I did have another baby. Piper Rose was born on May 12, 2011 and is beautiful and sweet and full of joy and smiles and is the light in the rocky chaos that has become my life. As is my 3 year old son James. They are the reason I live and get up each an every morning...and the reason I drink half a pot of coffee.
You see, a week before I gave birth (to an overdue Piper) Brad (the hubby) got a new job. The job is wonderful. It is everything he ever wanted and everything this family needed. The problem with it? 12 hour rotating shifts. It has been quite the adjustment for our young family. I have learned to be more independent and organized and gain more confident in myself and child rearing capabilities. The job is for considerably more money than his previous place of employment, with more perks than I can possibly mention...and even though it almost killed this marriage, I think it will in the end, be what saves it.
I found myself very angry with the world, with my house, my life, my self and everyone in it for the first four months of Piper's existence. While she wasn't exactly planned, she wasn't an accident either. I wasn't certain I could possible have enough love in my heart for two children. James is my little boy. I loved him with all my heart and I didn't want anyone, or anything to come in between us. She didn't. If anything, she made my heart open up and grow bigger. It is a different kind of love. My life was complete. So...why so angry? I think, no, I know...it was and continues to be postpartum depression. I had battled bouts of depression previously in my teendomhood so I recognized the feelings of hopeless and helpless. When my thoughts turned to suicide, I really scarred myself and made sure to share my feelings with my family doctor. Thankfully, thoughts of having my little boy find me and try to "wake Mommy" up, kept me alive and I was able to share my thoughts of that day with my doctor, and here I find myself mediated and will soon be going for counselling.
Today, I am doing much better. Now that I have my feelings and hormones under control, it is time to focus on me. In the early months, I would go days without showering or brushing my teeth, things I hid from the world and those closest to me. I have just recently started my 5k training program again and have signed up for a Baby and Me Boot Camp. Trying to be a good girl with my Weight Watchers program (which after 10 years of being on program, I am actually finding it hard to stick with) and am making sure to get out with the kidlets once a week to the library.
While the issues that caused my hatred and anger are still present and unresolved, I am able to possibly forgive and forget and maybe will one day soon be able to discuss those issues with the person (not naming any names *coughbradcough* who caused the emotions. I am also realizing that I can take some time for myself once in a while and still be a good Mommy. Just finding the time to do it will be the challenge.
Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my blog and lay it all out for you, my reader. I will be completely and brutally honest with you and myself...starting with this...My weight is currently 194.8 again after coming within 15 pounds of my goal weight after James. I am taking it little bits at a time. I am attempting to lose 20 by December 21, 2011.
To date I have lost 41.2....only 15.2 of it since starting Weight Watchers. I'm going it alone online this time without the benefits of the meetings due to Brad's shift work. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.
Why am I starting all over again? I gained some weight. Er...72 pounds more to be exact...but, who is counting right?
In all fairness, I did have another baby. Piper Rose was born on May 12, 2011 and is beautiful and sweet and full of joy and smiles and is the light in the rocky chaos that has become my life. As is my 3 year old son James. They are the reason I live and get up each an every morning...and the reason I drink half a pot of coffee.
You see, a week before I gave birth (to an overdue Piper) Brad (the hubby) got a new job. The job is wonderful. It is everything he ever wanted and everything this family needed. The problem with it? 12 hour rotating shifts. It has been quite the adjustment for our young family. I have learned to be more independent and organized and gain more confident in myself and child rearing capabilities. The job is for considerably more money than his previous place of employment, with more perks than I can possibly mention...and even though it almost killed this marriage, I think it will in the end, be what saves it.
I found myself very angry with the world, with my house, my life, my self and everyone in it for the first four months of Piper's existence. While she wasn't exactly planned, she wasn't an accident either. I wasn't certain I could possible have enough love in my heart for two children. James is my little boy. I loved him with all my heart and I didn't want anyone, or anything to come in between us. She didn't. If anything, she made my heart open up and grow bigger. It is a different kind of love. My life was complete. So...why so angry? I think, no, I know...it was and continues to be postpartum depression. I had battled bouts of depression previously in my teendomhood so I recognized the feelings of hopeless and helpless. When my thoughts turned to suicide, I really scarred myself and made sure to share my feelings with my family doctor. Thankfully, thoughts of having my little boy find me and try to "wake Mommy" up, kept me alive and I was able to share my thoughts of that day with my doctor, and here I find myself mediated and will soon be going for counselling.
Today, I am doing much better. Now that I have my feelings and hormones under control, it is time to focus on me. In the early months, I would go days without showering or brushing my teeth, things I hid from the world and those closest to me. I have just recently started my 5k training program again and have signed up for a Baby and Me Boot Camp. Trying to be a good girl with my Weight Watchers program (which after 10 years of being on program, I am actually finding it hard to stick with) and am making sure to get out with the kidlets once a week to the library.
While the issues that caused my hatred and anger are still present and unresolved, I am able to possibly forgive and forget and maybe will one day soon be able to discuss those issues with the person (not naming any names *coughbradcough* who caused the emotions. I am also realizing that I can take some time for myself once in a while and still be a good Mommy. Just finding the time to do it will be the challenge.
Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my blog and lay it all out for you, my reader. I will be completely and brutally honest with you and myself...starting with this...My weight is currently 194.8 again after coming within 15 pounds of my goal weight after James. I am taking it little bits at a time. I am attempting to lose 20 by December 21, 2011.
To date I have lost 41.2....only 15.2 of it since starting Weight Watchers. I'm going it alone online this time without the benefits of the meetings due to Brad's shift work. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.
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