I'm really honestly and truly shy. I don't do small talk well. I'm not good at jumping into conversations. I get nervous and just start talking, talking over others a lot. I know it is rude when I'm doing it but yet I can't seem to stop myself. Verbal diaherra just starts and bluch...out comes something stupid leaving me feeling more anxious than normal. It takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people...sometimes even with the friends I have I get this way. I am stressing over the weekend this time for different reasons.
I have two challenges coming up for this weekend. One more difficult than the other and surprisingly the more challenging one has nothing to do with food. I am going to a party. A wine tasting party. Yes, there will be food and people I don't know...the party thrown by someone I'm just starting to get to know. The hostess is sweet. Actually asked if there was anything food wise she could do for me! I really don't think that is going to be a problem. I don't like eating in front of new people.I am finding my second challenge will be more difficult. I do not like meeting new people at the best of times. And now that I am 50 pounds over weight, it'll be even more difficult for me. I can't very well say..."Hi, I'm Kim. I'm not really fat honestly. I'm hoping this appearance is just temporary while I get my shit together and try desperately to lose 50 pounds. Here, look! Here's the proof...here's a picture of me in a two piece bathing suit taken just two years ago...here's a picutre of me two days after I found out I was pregnant...see...not fat..." Would people believe me? More over than that...would they even care? Probably not. I'm so worried about my image and what others think of me. I've never really thought that much about myself. In highschool I was invisable. I'm astounded when people actually remember who I was...probably more for my stomach growling in french class as some asshole laughs and calls me Animal and I turn red and try to ignore the comments...yeah...I knew what was going on behind my back...it made it all the worse. College, I made all of 4 friends (of course in college I gained the freshman 50 originally). 2 of those friends didn't make it past the first year and the other 2...were just class friends...one of which I maintained a relationship while I was working in Toronto and we'd go out for dinner on occasion. This is why I value the friends I have. Many...no...most of them are long term friends. Fiona I've known since grade nine and with her, the others came along. Kristen, Lisa, Donna...my cousin Jenny and now Ali, their friendship isn't based on apperances. I could look like a whale and they'd still be my friend. They know my struggle. They know how I feel about myself and accept me for me no matter what stupid thing I say or do. New people..? First impressions? I'll be too nervous to eat! What have I gotten myself into? So tomorrow is results day. While I still don't think I've broken out of the 190's...I don't think I'll have gained THANK GOD. After this past weekend...ouch. I'm working hard...headache that is threatening to become a migraine or not. Work through it.
Breakfast
1c Multigrain Cheerios
Source Yogurt
1c 1% Milk (yay me!)
Black Coffee
Lunch
2 slices Whole Wheat Bread
1 lrg Egg
100 Calorie Snack Pack of Doritos
Water
Snack
Apple
Dinner
Um............uh-oh. Here we go. I'll tell you what it WON'T be. Stupid frozen pizza before a weigh in day. I'll figure something out.Wish me luck for tomorrow!
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