Once you lose the momentum it picks up again, going downhill fast. Looking over my past few weeks worth of blogs, I should have seen it coming. At least once a week there has been a blog complaining about how I'm just not "feeling it" anymore. This has suddenly become difficult for me. I'm not up for the challenge. It almost feels like acceptance that I will stay this way for the rest of my life at which point I will have a miserable existance.
Maybe it is the winter finally getting to me. I spend my days looking at the same four walls and mess. I look out the window and wish there were leaves on the trees. I am sad and a little depressed everytime I think about having to go back to work. I do not want to leave James. I don't want some system and establishment raising my son. I feel that is part of the "problem" with society today. Too many children are raised by daycares. Picking up bad habits from other children and the caretakers in these places. Of course, I'm the product of a stay at home Mom as is Brad and I don't know what the other side is like so it is just speculation. Unfortunately we do not have the option of me staying home as I, much like many females in today's society am the principal earner in the marriage and with the industry Brad is in with no stability at all, living on pins and needles each and every week, waiting for the other foot to fall...it is scary.Then again, I'm anxious to get back to work and my routine of going to the gym at lunch. I don't think I'll be able to walk to work anymore, especially if I can't get James in to the daycare I would like to get him into (shit...I really have to make that call to get him on a wait list...I however am in denial). I look forward to getting back "to my old life" strict schedule. Breakfast, lunch, snack, gym, dinner. Just seems easier.I'm excited about the up-coming softball season, after not being allowed to play last year (for obvious reasons) I can't wait to get back on the bench this year. Again, I'm nervous about that. What about James? Sounds like most of the season will again be double headers...while there weren't many 9:00 games, what happens then? Will my parents be able to watch James for the games? Will my Dad be well enough to come to the games this year? Will my wrist ever get better? I've been putting off calling the doctor. I don't think he'll do anything this time either. The stuff he gave me was for arthritis, made my pain worse and gave me a rash. Of course he didn't even look at it last time...just asked how my drug plan was. The pain is now to the point where I have trouble writing, turning door knobs, knitting and even washing dishes. Any movement that requires turning hurts. Feels like a tendon is catching on bone yeah, real pleasant. Don't know what that means for holding a bat...or pitching underhand. Throwing over hand isn't going to happen.I've got a lot on my mind. I didn't end up going to aerobics last night. I knew my exercise buddy wasn't going even before she told me...and we were out of even the simpliest food staples at home...so we got groceries. At least now it'll be easier for me to stay on track during the day. I've got my carrots and pickles again. Picked up some fresh vegetables and fruit. Plan on making a salad. Will exercise today if it kills me. I haven't in four days. I had planned on at least yoga last night but was so tired (another clue that I may be slipping into depression). I just need to remind myself why I'm doing this...once I figure out why I am doing this!
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